how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[janis]

        I remember about 4 or 5, but it really was bad in my teens and
     early 20s
, I was doing a lot of drinking then, until I joined AA. but  it saved my life.

    janis
     

[LordKAT]

3 when it became distinctly known. A photograph brought it to light.

[Ashey]

Probably knew at 5, but it didn't become a major problem until I was 9 or 10.. :/

[svaso]

I was 5yrs and my family and I went to see Annie on Broadway.  I totally adored Annie, so when we got home, the first thing I did was run upstairs into my sister's closet.  I found the closest outfit in there to match Annie's outfit, and I was instantly hooked!  Maybe I should have named myself Annie .  Thats the first moment I remember.

Next thing I recall was 2nd grade and our class was in PE.  The PE teacher had everyone hold hands in a circle Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl.  I would have nothing to do with it!  I felt that if I was holding hands with a girl on each side then that would make me a boy....uh uh..wasn't happening!  I got in trouble and my Mom was called up to school because I would not follow the instructions . 

**Stacy

[Jenny07]

Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

I hated it and withdrew completely as I knew I was wrong and became very introverted. I told my mum, but she died before I was 10.
Things went bad, very bad after this and it surfaced again in mid teens and has never really left.
Struggled to burry it for many years living in fear but no longer.

Very happy now and should have opened up years ago.

J

[Miyuki]

More or less stable memories starts when I was at age 5-6. I guess that my dear mother always wanted a girl first, and she dressed me very neatly and kind of girlishly. I remember that I often was taken for a girl by women-strangers, who usually exclaimed to my parents "What a cutie girl you have!" It made me blush, and I was just mumbling "I am not a girl, I am a boy!", though I was enjoying inside and wanting to say "Yes, I am!".

That's almost exactly the way it was for me too. When I was three and had long curly blond hair, I would constantly get mistaken for a girl. People would always tell me mom what a beautiful little girl I was, and while I would always feel a little embarrassed and correct them that I was in fact a boy, I secretly felt very flattered by it. The funny thing is, whenever anyone would pay me a similar compliment as a boy, saying I was handsome or something like that, I would always feel resentful about it, even though I didn't understand exactly why. So yea, I guess at around three was the first time I felt like I really wanted to be a girl. But I was always too embarrassed to act out on those feelings, and whenever I got caught doing something girly (usually because I didn't realize it was girly at the time), I would always deny it and make up excuses. So I don't really have any stories about wearing dresses at a young age, or anything like that. At the time, I accepted that I was male, and I tried to fit that identity as best I could. It wasn't until I hit puberty when the real dysphoria started.

[kelly_aus]

I didn't work it out until I was 12.. But I always knew that I was different to my male 'peers' before that,, Looking back, I had a fairly gender neutral childhood, so that might be why it took a while.

Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

As I mentioned, I had a fairly gender neutral childhood. I was never forced in to any particular role.. My best friend for the first 4 years of school was a girl.. And even after I moved and went to a new school, I was always welcomed by both the boys and girls. Early high school was a preview of hell..

[Rachel]

I wore my sister cloths and mom's makeup when I told my mom at 5 and defiantly felt female before 5.

[Ltl89]

It depends on what you mean.  I knew something was different with me for all of my life, but I didn't come to the realization that I was meant to be a girl until I turned 10.  My younger childhood allowed me more freedom to experiment and gender bend.  Growing up with two older sisters and female friends gave me more room to have fun and boy/female didn't enter my mind.  Once I turned 10 and childhood was ending, I realized I wasn't supposed to be in a boys body. 

[evecrook]

Like so many I can remember knowing something was wrong from about 4.
This was when gender is forced upon children in preschool and you must fit in.
It caused many tears and confusion at an early age.

I hated it and withdrew completely as I knew I was wrong and became very introverted. I told my mum, but she died before I was 10.
Things went bad, very bad after this and it surfaced again in mid teens and has never really left.
Struggled to burry it for many years living in fear but no longer.         

Very happy now and should have opened up years ago.

J

same thing with me . my mom knew about me dressing up. she died when I was 9

[Eva Marie]

Different? When I started 1st grade at age 5 and I began to catch he... well, a rough existence. I did not fit in then, and it continued all through school. I knew something was different between me and the other boys, but had no clue what it might be. It was the late 60's and we didn't have the internet or any knowledge of transgender, so it remained a mystery for years. I had no clues like playing with dolls or crossdressing to help me figure it out. I just thought that I was a guy that wasn't quite like the other guys LOL..... little did I know!

Wrong? When I was 50 and I was drinking myself to death. In desperation I went to see a therapist and we eventually worked around to the fact that I am a transsexual. I remember sitting on her couch absolutely stunned with disbelief. I also knew with a sense of dread what was going to happen with my life then, and ever since then I've been sadly watching it unfold piece by piece by piece; the bad and the good; like a tragic play.

[Batty/Nattie]

  something I remember doing every time I actually swam and I hated to swim up till well... ya'all know.. was when I did swim I wouldn't go swimming without wearing a shirt. I felt so wrong if I didn't wear something to cover me up.

I can relate :/

[Batty/Nattie]

I remember  when I was 9, my cousin jaynie and I were playing with dolls and makeup, while our brothers were running around doing whatever it is that little boys do. that's when I first really knew that I wasn't the same.

[Carrie Liz]

Guess I'm in the minority. I never had any real differences whatsoever as a kid. In fact, I actually hated super-girly stuff. (And super-boyish stuff too, but I digress.) I did get picked on for being a whiner and being a lousy athlete, but I didn't think that was anything too unusual. But then puberty hit, and all hell broke loose. I started hating EVERYTHING about my body and about how my mind was starting to work, and I got gender dysphoria REALLY bad. So I may not have been very girlish until I had the impetus of gender dysphoria to guide me toward it, but my body and my mind definitely did not like testosterone one bit, and said "what the hell is this crap?" when it was flooded with T instead of E. That's really when I noticed that something was wrong.

[Northern Jane]

I didn't get clued in that there was a problem until I was 5 and started school - gendered washrooms were a problem! - and by 8 I understood just how bad the problem was. Of course adults in my life knew there was trouble long before I did because I had always identified as a girl and kept correcting them. By puberty I was in full rebellion against my assigned gender and that got progressively worse through my teens until I finally found a surgeon I could afford at age 24. That was a LONG time ago and I hope it is better for the youngsters these days - it would seem to be based on the media stories I hear about transsexual children getting help!

[Miyuki]

Guess I'm in the minority. I never had any real differences whatsoever as a kid. In fact, I actually hated super-girly stuff. (And super-boyish stuff too, but I digress.) I did get picked on for being a whiner and being a lousy athlete, but I didn't think that was anything too unusual. But then puberty hit, and all hell broke loose. I started hating EVERYTHING about my body and about how my mind was starting to work, and I got gender dysphoria REALLY bad. So I may not have been very girlish until I had the impetus of gender dysphoria to guide me toward it, but my body and my mind definitely did not like testosterone one bit, and said "what the hell is this crap?" when it was flooded with T instead of E. That's really when I noticed that something was wrong.

I don't think you're in that small of a minority. While there were definitely differences between me and an average boy my age, I wasn't super girly or anything. More like extremely not masculine. I didn't start feeling strong dysphoria until I was teenager either, and even then I just tried to cover it up and deny it existed.

[JulieBlair]

Wrong? When I was 50 and I was drinking myself to death. In desperation I went to see a therapist and we eventually worked around to the fact that I am a transsexual. I remember sitting on her couch absolutely stunned with disbelief. I also knew with a sense of dread what was going to happen with my life then, and ever since then I've been sadly watching it unfold piece by piece by piece; the bad and the good; like a tragic play.

Eva,
The tough part about drinking yourself to death is that sometimes you don't die.  I found the steps 25 years ago and haven't had to drink or drug since, but life continued to be chaotic until I was finally able to openly admit to myself a couple of years ago the truth that I have pretty much always known.  Then it took me a while to begin HRT, and even longer to find my way to therapy. 

So now what? My life is mine to celebrate or mourn as I choose.  Now that I know who I am (more or less) it is up to me to become a woman who I would like to know.  This isn't tragic, it is life.  The price of transition pales to the cost of remaining a shadow.  I do not know where or how this will end but sixteen months into becoming me there are more doors to open, and no need to regret the ones that must close.

I am not victimized by life, nor am I a victimizor.  When I am willing to participate in life, life participates back.  When I'm not it gets very dark.  I hope you choose the light.

Love

[Eva Marie]

Julie-

I know that the hard/unpleasant stuff comes before the good stuff and that's what I was talking about when I said that I knew what was coming. My 25 year marriage to my sweetheart is now on the skids and I miss her terribly, the coming out process is happening slowly, and coming out at work is the next big hurdle.

I have seen some glimpses of the life to come and that keeps me going through the hard stuff.

Getting off the alcohol is still a project and some days are better than others. It's been 34 years of abusing it and when bad things happen it tempts me. To be honest sometimes I win that battle and sometimes I don't. Still, if I hadn't accepted that I'm trans I'd still be down at the bottom of that bottle and not able to even think about crawling out.

[JulieBlair]

Eva,
My marriage is also disappearing and so I sometimes cry.  I can't blame her, she is a normal heterosexual woman and can neither imagine nor desires being with someone like me.  But as with alcohol, you don't have to do this alone.  I could not sober up until I accepted that I was alcoholic, I could not become authentic until I accepted my femininity.  I can do neither solo, and the process is not and I do not expect it to ever be complete.  I spent 58 years feeling lonely, angry, different and afraid.  Those feelings are still waiting for me if I pick up a drink or deny who I am. 

I'm still only out at work to a select few who truly care.  The rest will meet Julie once the face fuzz gets a bit thinner come spring.  Transitioning is costing me my life partner, at least in any intimate way, and several hundred thousand dollars in community property.  But that is a good value, since the alternative is depression and death.  Just my take, everyone has to find their own way.  There is nothing about being in the wrong body that is fair.  There is nothing about being dependent of alcohol that is fair.  Neither is a choice, and neither contains fault.  It is all I can do to live my life as well and as honestly as I can willingly do.  I stumble with honesty often.  I am unsure most of the time.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Blessings

[NatalieT]

It's amazing hearing other's experiences as they are all so similar to what I've personally experienced.

I remember from a young age being totally embarrassed about going swimming without a t-shirt on, I thought it was just weird.

I remember playing video games with my cousin as a child and always picking the girls, I would always make up some random excuse about why I did it as I was aware that it was not typically behaviour - even as a young child.

I was always ultra sensitive and would cry uncontrollably if I was ever told off, and would never be able to fight or argue with anyone as it left me feeling shaken up and traumatised.

I have always been incredibly affectionate towards other human beings and also animals, and I have heaps of sympathy for people.

I guess when puberty started I had a feeling that something bad was coming and told myself to "enjoy life now" as I could almost sense something terrible knocking at the door. Body and facial hair started growing and I remember my parents kept suggesting getting me an electric shaver as a Christmas present, after having refused lessons from my dad on wet shaving (I was so embarrassed about talking about it, let alone doing it). I was so upset by this suggestion of a present and felt so ashamed at having to remove hair from my face. I started going on antidepressants at age 14, despite my doctor's reluctance due to my young age, I assured him that I was really on the edge and needed some stability fast. So I'm 18 now and am still on antidepressants, but have finally come to terms with my transsexualism. I guess it was at 15 that I finally realised what was wrong with me after searching my feelings on Google and browsing through forums and sites. It has been a pretty dire 5-6 years but I'm hoping now I can find some peace and get the help I had refused myself for so long due to embarrassment  shame and self loathing.

Edit: I started using Second Life in my early teens, I used my debit card at age 14 for age verification and it somehow let me pass as an 18 year old? Anyway, I used to spend any pocket money I earned on buying pretty clothes for my avatar, probably spending up to about £150 over the course of 2 years. It helped me get through my feelings by having this release, being able to put my feminine personality into this beautifully constructed avatar. But it also made me feel very depressed when I stopped playing it and realised I had to go back into boy mode. The funny thing is, even though I was using this program, I didn't actually realise for ages that I was trans, I thought it meant I was just gay or something - even though I had attraction towards both men and women.