how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[Ellesmira the Duck]

((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

[stephaniec]

I don't remember a specific age, but I was very young.  I'm sure I was younger than 6.  I always wanted to hang out with girls, but as I had a sister close in age, I was often prevented from playing with 'her' friends.  I would often 'borrow' her clothes, I remember vividly this BodyGlove bathing suit, lol.  It was like having cookies without milk though.  Conservative parents don't generally want their perceived sons running around in two pieces acting like girls.  So, I usually ran around in two pieces under my clothes, and a thin shell of observed "dude-like" demeanor masking my obvious and inherent feminine mannerisms and desires.

I remember the heavy weight of dysphoria pressing on my back at puberty.  Up until that point, I just knew that my prayers would be answered.  I knew I would become a woman.  Though, I think my problem was that I prayed to too many gods.   

puberty was a killer, I remember vividly an embroidered blouse of my sisters I couldn't stay away from.

[big kim]

The first time I dressed I was 13.Mum gave me a big bag of old clothes that she was throwing out,there were some of my sisters as well.I was supposed to take them to the Church jumble sale.I took a slightly smaller bag of old clothes to the jumble sale!

[stephaniec]

((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

I just started transition. I think I was just afraid to acknowledge I was actually transgender. This has been a continuous thing with me since 4. I knew I always wanted to be female in the worst way. The actual acknowledging of being transgender happened only last year. A therapist finally lead  me to accepting it.

[innainka]

6-7 however, as a very small child, all throughout, I kept away and was quite antisocial because of the uneasy feeling I felt within, now, after finality of deceit, my truth shines in an all encompassing love for connections. I simply love to socialize

[stephaniec]

((First time posting here after ghosting the forums for awhile now, also first day in "mostly female mode" just around the house. *Kind of really excited about that*))

It seems like a lot of people knew by 3 or 4...I recently found out when I was that little I apparently tried to wear a dress and got told by my mom that boys don't wear dresses, to which I stubbornly replied "In some places they do!", but after being explained that where we lived boys got beat up for that, I guess that was the last time I really showed any major signs. The first time I can really remember feeling different was about 13 years old, i just became obsessed with the being physically female but never told anyone and rarely acted on it. (I did occasionally try clothes on when no one was home or if they were left in the bathroom hamper ...). Even then, knowing what I wanted, I didn't even think of myself as transgender until about a month ago. I'm not sure what it was...but it just didn't sink in. Things have gone great since I have though. But like some of the other people who didn't know until later in life, I thought not knowing from a young age meant I didn't fit the bill. I'm happy that I've finally started to explore this more openly now.

I've always wanted to be a woman ,but it wasn't until recently I admitted to my self the need to do HRT

[Tessa James]

Is it just coincidence of perceived frequency on my part?  Or is there a disproportionate number of trans women in this thread who report the first transgender thoughts in terms of girl's or women's clothing?

Being as how, for me, it was body-centric, not clothes.

Just curious.

I appreciate and share your perspective that our first thoughts were body centric.  I was sure i was or would be a girl and then a mom who would breast feed her babies.  It was that "body centric" feminine shadow that followed me through life until now finally realized in transition.  Still, clothing related events are real and not invalidated by another perspective.  I love to now dress femininely but the biggest change remains between my ears.

[sprouts]

as a child, this seems like the most obvious expression of gender in my opinion.  to me, it seems strange that a child would have a very strong dysphoric sense of their body.  dysphoria associated with newly learned gender norms seems like it would be more of a trigger, again just MHO

i looked exactly like my sister when i was younger.  we even had similar hairstyles, lol.  i was a girl in my mind so i expressed that in the most obvious way, or at least what must have seemed obvious to me as a ~6 year old.

that being said, this has just been my experience and for those of us who had these feelings earlier in life, i would think it's quite common.

<edited> -Juni

[Sheala]

thats a very hard question for me to answer. for a few reasons.......
1.  i dont have many memories before the age of 12
2. well on 1 reason.....

however at the 5 or so i had a cabage patch doll i would dress and change its diaper. i guess that would have been my first clue. but at 12 i started thinking and fatisizing being taken from my family and returned a girl. but even that wasnt good enough for me to realise.last year at 31 i finialy realised that i am difforent. after years of hideing and strugeling to be the "man"

[JRD]

I found some old pics of me in the slides we have from Alaska when I was three wearing my older sister's boots and coat in the house. I know when I was 5, I bugged my grandmother until I was allowed to wear a nightgown to bed regularly. And dressed up from then until... 

I knew about trans women from watching talk shows with my grandmother in my teens. Even she said that I shouldn't have married the first time, that I should just finish college, get a good job and save enough money to do what I needed, but I didn't listen, I wanted to try and be normal like everyone else.  I also snuck birth control pills when I was a teen as well, but didn't take enough for a long enough time to do anything.

[big kim]

My Grandmother worked on a market stall part time and often bought girls books for my sister and me.I can still remember one of my favourite books she bought me,Tubby of Maryland Manor.Maybe Grandmothers can see something in kids that kids can't?

[Sarah Rose]

Jr. high would be when the thoughts became daily and after I graduated high school the thoughts just never stopped.

I was jealous of the girls around me and I wanted to be like them (still do.. only came out 3 days ago).
The earliest thing I can remember was sometime in elementary school, our neighbors had a pool and one of the guys had a lot of armpit hair.

I asked my Mother about it and she said I would have hair like that one day.... I ran into the house crying, it really bothered me.. I'm just now realizing how far back all this goes.
While it really set in during puberty (and I'm only accepting it at 22.. almost 23). I have started to recall things like this from my young childhood.

[antiquatedFuturist]

For me, I always "knew" that I was different. However, I never really quite understood why. Throughout the entirety of my childhood, I was always greatly perturbed when it came to gender. I remember that one of the things that I hated the most was being separated in class when I was little, yet, I didn't quite know why I hated it. I always felt like I didn't belong there, sitting with all of the other boys who I couldn't relate with in the least. However, I also didn't particularly feel as if I should've been with the girls, either, and it was like that for the rest of my childhood: a constant state of in-between.

Then, I got to middle school, and a whole host of things changed for me. I started dressing differently, acting differently, and over all, I changed the entirety of who I was. My first "best friends" when I got to middle school were girls, and I didn't even have any real male individuals for awhile. It doesn't hurt to mention that I lived and still live in a very tolerant household, with my biological single parent, who is also gay (long story). For a long time, instead of asking the question of why I thought and felt that way, I just did, and it never occurred to me, at least definitively, that I was in the wrong body. (Mostly my behavior during this time was classified as "gay" by prepubescent boys. I mostly just acted out of the norm, and was just a very strange and kid for my age.)

By the time I reached High School, I had finally recessed back into a very introverted state, mostly keeping only some of the friends that I managed to make. I did, however, find my girlfriend, who I've now been dating for nearly two years. During this time, I was introduced to internet culture, and was greatly changed by its influence on my life. I began to find more and more that I wasn't comfortable in my own body, and that I felt as if I should've been born as the other gender. This of course explained to me how I've always felt, and why I was the way I was.

In short, I didn't truly find out until mid-adolescence (around 13-14), when gender dysphoria came to my door with a battering ram.

[stephaniec]

I don't remember a specific age, but I was very young.  I'm sure I was younger than 6.  I always wanted to hang out with girls, but as I had a sister close in age, I was often prevented from playing with 'her' friends.  I would often 'borrow' her clothes, I remember vividly this BodyGlove bathing suit, lol.  It was like having cookies without milk though.  Conservative parents don't generally want their perceived sons running around in two pieces acting like girls.  So, I usually ran around in two pieces under my clothes, and a thin shell of observed "dude-like" demeanor masking my obvious and inherent feminine mannerisms and desires.

I remember the heavy weight of dysphoria pressing on my back at puberty.  Up until that point, I just knew that my prayers would be answered.  I knew I would become a woman.  Though, I think my problem was that I prayed to too many gods.   

the dysphoria  at puberty seems to be a critical point in a lot of those who transition on Susan's

[big kim]

Puberty was hell,I turned from a shy timid kid into a monster.I saw my dream of living as a woman slip further away each day,hair sprouted where I didn't want it,my voice broke.I coped by drinking,cutting,skipping meals and not giving a rat's ass about anything or anyone even myself.My schoolwork went to hell,I dropped 20 places,got into a ton of fights.I didn't care if I lost,the pain of an ass kicking took the edge off. My Dad offered me £5 if I could manage a week without getting into a fight knowing he wouldn't have to pay(quite a sum in 1972).I've mentioned this before but 1 incident still stays with me,it was near  Easter 1972 and I was 14,one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of my few friends on a BSA motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wished he was the boy on the BSA,I wished I was the girl with long blonde hair streaming behind,arms round his waist.There was one glimmer of hope in the following summer of 1973.
I'd got sacked from my summer job(there were so many jobs back then kids could easily get summer jobs) and was idling the day away when I saw there was an old Pathe news short film of life in the 1950s.I waited for the programme to come on and it was about a car race,a glamourous blonde lady was driving one of the cars,she was Roberta Cowell,formerly Robert Cowell a Spitfire pilot.At last I knew it was possible and could be done,there were others like me.

[stephaniec]

Puberty was hell,I turned from a shy timid kid into a monster.I saw my dream of living as a woman slip further away each day,hair sprouted where I didn't want it,my voice broke.I coped by drinking,cutting,skipping meals and not giving a rat's ass about anything or anyone even myself.My schoolwork went to hell,I dropped 20 places,got into a ton of fights.I didn't care if I lost,the pain of an ass kicking took the edge off. My Dad offered me £5 if I could manage a week without getting into a fight knowing he wouldn't have to pay(quite a sum in 1972).I've mentioned this before but 1 incident still stays with me,it was near  Easter 1972 and I was 14,one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of my few friends on a BSA motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wished he was the boy on the BSA,I wished I was the girl with long blonde hair streaming behind,arms round his waist.There was one glimmer of hope in the following summer of 1973.
I'd got sacked from my summer job(there were so many jobs back then kids could easily get summer jobs) and was idling the day away when I saw there was an old Pathe news short film of life in the 1950s.I waited for the programme to come on and it was about a car race,a glamourous blonde lady was driving one of the cars,she was Roberta Cowell,formerly Robert Cowell a Spitfire pilot.At last I knew it was possible and could be done,there were others like me.

I felt exactly the same about the Jorgensten story. That feeling of isolation and weirdness  of being the only one.

[anjaq]

Of course puberty is where it really hits hard. Its the time when things really diverge, where its not about playing games with girls or not or about cute clothes or some genital discrepancy anymore, but the whole body mutates. Horrible

[stephaniec]

Of course puberty is where it really hits hard. Its the time when things really diverge, where its not about playing games with girls or not or about cute clothes or some genital discrepancy anymore, but the whole body mutates. Horrible

good description, mutates horrible

[anjaq]

I totally am close to crying everytime I think of this. Back then it was in slow motion so it was really bad and horrible but it was in some way bearable as it was just some small mutation everyday. Looking back nowadays automatically makes me remember it in fast forward and it is like the freaking "incredible Hulk" or something. Good that at least I was not turning green
But really - I described my whole ordeal with the body dysphoria to a friend of mine who is somehow trans as well (well transitioned and detransitioned) but mostly dealt with social dysphoria. He replied "then puberty must have been to you like every day saying 'oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t'" - that totally nailed it and I think I cried for half an hour after that. What a effing nightmare... puberty. The dysphoria before that? About not being able to play with the girls and being laughed at by the boys for liking ponys and wanting long hair and creating friendship albums like the other girls - nothing compared to puberty... Just father coming by and giving me an electric razor telling me I will need it soon and grinning - it was like in some evil sadistic movie. Like a threat. And he meant it of course as a positive thing. If only he had known.

[freddie]

When I was 4/6 I'd pretend to be a boy whenever I played with little kids I didn't know. Looking back I now realised why those are my happiest memories.