Random Arg

[Edge]

I have to get up in five and a half hours and write an exam.
My son is having trouble falling asleep. No, whatever someone is going to suggest does not work and I know because I already tried.
He has an autism spectrum disorder. We learned this a couple weeks ago when the various useless appointments he went to culminated in a day long ordeal where they told us... he has a label. Great. Now can someone start telling me what I can do about it? (Note: the appointments were useless because they pretty much only told me what his problems are which I already knew since they were why I took him to the appointments.)
And the thing about being a parent is that people are so judgemental even other parents and there is no way to please them. I remember once someone even said they would be "mortified" if their kid played in a designated children's play area like a regular child. (Strangely, this same person was confused on why their now older child dislikes them.)
People with the same weird head crap as me are being annoying. One repeated the same question they had already asked and that I already answered in the same conversation. I would understand if they told me they didn't understand my explanation, but no. They asked the same question all over again with no sign that they even acknowledged that I had already answered it. Another one insinuated that my weird head crap was fake while their same weird head crap was real which pisses me off. I mean, I know I'm nuts. But I don't put up with that.
My dysphoria has been really bad lately. I have wide hips and it wouldn't be so bad if they were just wide from fat. Don't get me wrong. I know I need to lose weight. However, I can feel where the bones are and I know that, no matter how much weight I lose, there is nothing I can do about the bones. I also can't do anything about my height. I've been debating growing my hair out or cutting it short again. I want to grow my hair out and be all metalhead and stuff, but I already have a hard enough time passing (aka I don't). I wouldn't have to worry about this crap if I was cis. I can't stand the fact that I look like a woman. I want to look like a regular guy. I know I might eventually because of the T and, eventually, surgery, but I'm impatient. I hate the fact that I have boobs. I wish I had a flat, normal chest and could take my shirt off and see a normal, male chest.
My voice started randomly squeaking (something like that anyway) which I guess means it's changing. Hurray! The problem is I ran out of my prescription and now need to make an appointment with the endocrinologist. I called twice during the past week and I haven't heard back.
On a good note though, I previously thought that my dysphoria got worse when I realized I was trans and, in a way, it did. However, I have come to realize that I felt dysphoria just as bad before I realized this. I just didn't know what was causing it. Now that I do, it's more focused on what the problem is rather than things just generally sucking and being unable to imagine my future.
My son is finally asleep. Off to bed I go.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs to you, Edge. Please remember you are doing one of the hardest things possible - raise a child pretty much on your own. Couple that with your school responsibilities, and you've taken on far more than anyone else I know. That you're keeping on is a testament to your stamina and strength.

Now add to that a diagnosis that on the face of it has little meaning. Autism is such a wide spectrum and i's definition seems so changeable that anything a judgmental person tells you is bound to be either wrong or such a generality as not to be helpful.

Your son is the same unique, interesting, precious boy you've always known him to be. Your only two responsibilities as a parent are to love him and to give him the things your heart tells you he needs, right? I admire the fact that you have high expectations for yourself, but no one, not even you, will have all the answers all the time.

The answers will come.

As for your hips: You've lived a lot of your life as a woman and so you're use to being stared at and having your looks dissected.

People generally don't do that to men. No one notices or comments on what a man looks like. The only people that will look at his hips are girls that might want to date him, and even a few of those are checking out the bulge where his wallet is.

Good luck, Edge. Please give yourself credit for your own strength and ability to care.

[Edge]

Thanks, Suzi. I just needed to vent my frustrations. I'm good.
Yeah, that's pretty much my opinion. He's the same kid regardless and has the same problems he did before. I'm just frustrated that, instead of spending that time figuring out how we can help him with his problems, they spent it thinking about what to call them.

and even a few of those are checking out the bulge where his wallet is.

That made me laugh.