I was talking to someone in the British trans community the other day about the whole 'stealth' thing, trying to work out how public and out there I should be.
She said, the main thing is to be honest, both with yourself and the world in general. So, yes, you're a woman. But there are lots of types of women: single women, mothers, executive women, women of colour, gay women - tons and tons of different combinations of characteristics. We just happen to be trans-women ... or rather, 'trans' is just one of the adjectives that can be applied to us as women. And it's really healthy to acknowledge that and accept that and own that.
You don't have to go round shouting about it, she said. But you don't want to deny it - to yourself or anyone else - either. And then she told me a story about the dangers of going stealth.
An MTF she used to know had been a successful businessman: intelligent, affluent, and expert at planning and executing important projects. So when she transitioned, she did it really well. She had the best surgery, the best medical help, lovely new clothes - the works. And she came out the other end a beautiful, confident, totally passable woman.
She went totally stealth. Moved house, got a new job ... and fell in love with a great guy, who loved her too. She never told the guy about being trans. Why should she? So far as the world was concerned, she was a "real" woman. When they started living together, she took her stealth to such an extent, she even worked out a menstrual cycle, told him when she was having her period and bought tampons.
The relationship went brilliantly. The guy loved her and she loved him back. In fact, the guy loved her so much, he proposed to her. It was the ultimate trans dream (well, one possible trans dream, anyway - others are available!) - to walk down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress and become the wife of a wonderful, handsome man.
Except she couldn't do it. She couldn't marry a man without letting him know the truth. It just seemed fundamentally dishonest. But how could she tell him now, after all this time, without making him feel that he'd been lied to and deceived?
Answer: she couldn't. She wracked her brain trying to find the right way to do it, but couldn't come up with an answer. She was stressed, anxious, hyper-tense ... In the end she had a complete nervous breakdown.
She lost her man. She lost her work. She lost it all. And the irony of it all was, if she'd told her guy the truth, when their relationship first became serious, he might very well have accepted her. After all, he loved her.
And that, sisters, is why a little openness, and a lot of pride are a male-to-female transsexual's best friend!
Or so I'm told, anyway ...
