How you wish you had come out to your parents...

[Arch]

My situation is a little different from other guys'--I haven't talked to my family in years, I've already transitioned, and I have contact with only one parent at this point. I'm trying to write my coming out letter, and I am looking for some advice from FTMs specifically--especially if you came out in a letter/e-mail, but also if you came out over the phone or in person.

1) What did you do that worked well?
2) What was a mistake?
3) What do you wish you had said/done?
4) Besides losing their "little girl," what did your parents get particularly hung up on?

[Devlyn]

Arch, I love you and I don't mean this badly, I don't. But:

My situation is a little different from other guys'--I haven't talked to my family in years , I've already transitioned, and I have contact with only one parent at this point. I'm trying to write my coming out letter, and I am looking for some advice from FTMs specifically--especially if you came out in a letter/e-mail, but also if you came out over the phone or in person.

1) What did you do that worked well?
2) What was a mistake?
3) What do you wish you had said/done?
4) Besides losing their "little girl," what did your parents get particularly hung up on?

If you don't just get this done, you may never talk to them. Time is running out, my friend.  Elderly parents don't stick around, hon, they drop dead when you least expect it. So you should expect it. I know it's difficult for you, why don't you just limit yourself to one paragraph to them with just the basics and mail it? You're torturing yourself over this, and it hurts me to watch. Please just do this with no further delay.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Joe.]

Hey man, I came out to my parents in a letter. I'm happy to share it and chat about it with you but I don't feel comfortable posting it publicly but you can PM me if you like 

[Lauren5]

I wish I hadn't done it now, I wish I was aware of what else they were going though.

[sneakersjay]

I came out with a standard letter similar to those you see all over the net, just personalized to my situation.

In retrospect I wouldn't have changed a thing.  But then, I came out before I transitioned.  I would just do that and tell them that you have already transitioned.

The biggest thing Mom got hung up on was that God had made me just the way I was and I shouldn't mess with that.


Jay

[Declan.]

My parents guessed when they found out I got bloodwork prior to going on testosterone. They know how I feel about needles and that I have a history of not dealing with them even if something serious could be wrong with me. I'm still not sure how they figured that out with so little information, but they did. If they hadn't guessed, I was planning on letting them find out on their own as I changed physically after being on testosterone for awhile. Knowing them, letting them find something out on their own is a little easier than telling them something formally, lol.

[Arch]

Well, this is pretty weird. I had half of a letter that I hated, and I was so frustrated that I started this thread. I worked on my dissertation for a couple of hours, came back and read the replies, and then wrote the letter in one sitting, almost from scratch. I have always been a percolator--need to let things rattle around in my brain for a while--so I guess I simply reached critical mass.

Thanks for the replies, though, all of them. They let me know that I'm not alone.

[Arch]

Just realized something--I don't celebrate Christmas, so it hadn't occurred to me--if I mail this thing tomorrow, my father will get it around Christmas Eve. I don't want to interfere with his Christmas; should I hold off for a couple of days?

[Declan.]

Just realized something--I don't celebrate Christmas, so it hadn't occurred to me--if I mail this thing tomorrow, my father will get it around Christmas Eve. I don't want to interfere with his Christmas; should I hold off for a couple of days?

My personal advice... I'd wait until the new year. Send it then so it arrives on January 1st and explain that it was your new year's resolution to come out. That way nobody can say it was "out of left field" or whatever, it would make sense to send it then.

[bethany]

Arch, I too would wait till after Christmas. But over think things between now and then. Coming out to your dad just might open up the lines of communication. And I hope it does.

[verkatzt]

My father and I aren't really on speaking terms (and haven't been for almost 25 years).  I love him, but he's a bigoted racist sexist homophobic ->-bleeped-<- and I don't need that in my life.  A couple of months ago my half-sister and I were planning to meet up.  Sis asked me to come out to Dad so she wouldn't have to explain whom my niece meant when she referred to me by my real name.  So my email was "Hi, I'm genderqueer, it means ___, I'm telling you out of courtesy but I don't expect to hear back from you because you're a bigot.  I love you very much.  Have a nice day."  It was a bit aggressive of me, but he deserved it.  He hasn't replied or called.  I am not surprised by this.  I would be lying if I said I didn't care a little, because I do.  But he's not a good person, and I don't need that in my life.

[Simon]

I would wait after the Holidays to send your letter. If I were you I'd drive to the post office the day I was going to send it and put it in their mailbox where you can't retrieve it. I could see you going to the regular mailbox, putting it in, putting up the flag, going inside to sit down, and then running back to the mailbox to take it out again, lol.

As to the original question, I told both of my parents on the phone separately (they were in the midst of a divorce when I left home). I told mine on a whim really and I didn't care what their reaction was so much. I had a very cold "love me or don't but I'm doing this regardless" attitude about it. What can I say, I was a young country boy from NC who just moved to the outskirts of NYC to find himself. At that point I felt invisible. I wish I would have been more gentle about it, more forgiving towards their reactions, more mature, and understanding. Yet again, I was a kid then. I'm certain your way will have more tact. 

[big kim]

I didn't come out,Mum guessed.I had hardly any facial hair and long dyed red permed hair and plucked eyebrows and clear nail polish.She told my Dad and sister for me

[Arch]

I would wait after the Holidays to send your letter. If I were you I'd drive to the post office the day I was going to send it and put it in their mailbox where you can't retrieve it. I could see you going to the regular mailbox, putting it in, putting up the flag, going inside to sit down, and then running back to the mailbox to take it out again, lol.

No worries there. I'm dying to get rid of the thing and get this whole coming out business over with. I'm not looking forward to the results, but I have absolutely nothing to lose and one or two things to gain. For some reason, I simply have to tell my father who I really am. There are theories that boys can't comfortably become men until they gain the acceptance of their father...maybe it's something like that. But whether he accepts me or not, this is something I must do so that I can start truly confronting my past and coming to terms with my present. I've buried this for too long, and sending the letter can only free me. It might open up a whole new can of worms, but at least I can finally deal with the old one.

[LordKAT]

You are right that hiding from the problems won't resolve them. Stressful as it will be and is, hopefully there can be some peace of mind after.

[Arch]

I figure that I'll pop the letter in a mailbox on my way out on Christmas. The letter has a couple of spots where I could transition more gracefully, but I'm not really worried about them. I covered everything that matters to me, and I'm pretty happy with the result.

The only thing is...I'm itching to send it NOW. When I've made up my mind to do something, I'm no good at waiting. But maybe a part of me is also worried that I will chicken out if I wait, haha.

Another day and a half, and this thing will be winging its way to my father. The last time I saw him, he was my age. Now, that's weird.

[LordKAT]

That is weird. Maybe he will have mellowed with age. My dad seemed to.

[Arch]

Based on limited evidence, I suspect that my father's political views are more conservative than before. I've never really known where he stands on religion, though. My mother I would classify as a fanatic, but that was nearly thirty years ago. However, my brother implied that they haven't changed much, and he feels that they will both blow a gasket when they find out about me. He's so sure of their reaction that he doesn't want to have anything to do with the whole affair, and he says he'll deny any knowledge of my trans status if my parents ask him. I told him to take that option if he wants to, but I'm still a bit hurt that he's actually doing it. Still, I guess I can't blame him.

I hope he's wrong about my father, anyway.

I never intended to post about this on the publicly accessible threads. Wish I had started this thread in Just for Us, but not everyone who has posted here has access to that set of forums.

[LordKAT]

Some people aren't strong enough to stand up to others, especially family. Your brother sounds like one of them. I wish he could be more supportive during this antsy time for you.

It may still work out OK. If not, maybe your parents will now know about you and start to educate themselves. We can hope.

The access to the private boards is the one downfall of needing money to get access. Some people just don't have it.


PS, Can someone update my status since I resubscribed?

[Sir Wafflinton]

Hi Arch, I came out to my parents in person and I think my whole situation is so massively different there isn't really much point in elaborating.

One suggestion is that you put a photo in with the letter. Whether or not they want or deserve it, I guess I'd want to show my folks the man that I have become and make my transition something they can't deny.

Good luck, it is awesome you're doing this after all this time. I hope it gives you the closure you want