A minority within a minority

[Katelyn]

Sometimes I feel bitter and resented, that I end up feeling like a minority within a minority.

Being transgender is a minority in itself.  Most transgender people are either crossdressers or transsexuals.  And there is an even smaller community of genderqueer people.

However, I end up feeling like I don't even fit in all of this, and that there's not really anyone out there like me.

I don't fit in with crossdressers because I don't identify as male, and I am not content with my birth sex (at least not always.) 

I don't fit in with transsexuals because I don't feel female all the time.  In fact I don't even always desire transitioning (especially when I feel like I'll never be a woman and after a bad experience.)

I don't fit in with genderqueer people because genderqueer people don't desire modifying their body, don't desire being one sex, and don't reject the gender binary.

I sooo feel like a minority. 

I'm complicated!  And I don't like being so!

I don't identify as male because I don't want to be seen as male, and I am emotionally and sexually not male (though I'm attracted to women the majority of the time.) 

I desire to identify as female but am unable to identify as female because of my feeling masculine at times / unable to feel female all the time as well as feeling distant from other women in terms of attraction to guys (though this changes as I'm sexually fluid) and certain other things.

Sometimes I feel like a female wannabe.  Sometimes I feel like I hate being born male.  Sometimes I feel that this is just an inverted attraction to women.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud if I'm with transwomen and I'm feeling male rather than female.

Sometimes I feel like a bi-gendered person, sometimes I feel like identifying as genderqueer  (when I can't help but feel "male") and sometimes I feel like I'm a crossdresser that just wanted to go TOOO far. 

And yet I get stunned at times just how feminine I act without effort as well as feel female, as well as how great I feel when I get to talk and see myself as female (euphoria!)   I also soooo badly remember when I used to fantasize INDULGING in femininity, and all the wonderful feminine feelings I felt when I both dressed as a woman, and when I desired being a VERY FEMININE girly girl in my fantasies.  I used to go to clubs in 2007 - 2008 and imagine myself as a GG and even though the fantasy eventually wore off as my mind reminded me of "who I am", I for awhile would get to feel myself very happy as a GG.  I even had a passable feminine voice that was especially passable when I felt female.

But I can't deny that at times (especially after having negative feelings after being critical about my looks or "not being feminine enough" or being just bitter about not being able to transition, I go back to feeling "male" moreso than normal (enough to have a beer with the guys and talk and be like a straight guy.)   I then start to doubt myself as to why I believed that I could transition.  And then after a few days, this "maleness" eventually wears off and I start the cycle again (about wanting to be female.)

I feel sometimes like this dream is so distant, the dream of being female.  It has gotten more distant in the past few years even though it remains a motivation for me.  I can't be content with myself for letting this dream slip past me.  I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself, even though I've forgotten a lot of the feelings that used to motivate me before.  I see women at times and get jealous of them being able to be so feminine, or to wear feminine clothing.  It saddens me many times that I'm so distant from being a girl. 

I feel like its not just about clothing, not just about having a female body, its about me possessing a female identity, and being accepted as one of the girls.

Yet I feel at times like me following transsexuals has hurt me in a way because I often don't feel like I'm like them in their story because I feel very male at times and minimally male many other times.  I've wanted to allow myself to feel female but allowing myself to feel female brings out feminine gestures and talking that would "out" me if I'm not dressed.  And if I'm dressed and in public recently, I'm EXTREMELY self conscious, fear of not passing or "being female", which doesn't allow my natural female self to come or stay out. 

However, I'm with even transwomen that are very feminine and I start feeling "unfeminine" and start to feel male (and perhaps even feel attracted to them) and I feel SOOO guilty.  I am not sure if this is because I have OCD (which is all about unwanted thoughts and feelings) but It kills my self confidence and my confidence that I could be a woman.

In addition, at times I feel like my "masculinity" is, reluctantly, an asset because of its ability to get things done, to survive in unpredictable and overwhelming situations, and in competing and in doing very high quality work. 

When I'm in trips for instance, when I feel like I'm more in survival mode, my "maleness" tends to take over.  I feel more able to feel female in safe environments.

Lately, I've been feeling like I should just do this in solitude and make friends with crossdressers and genderqueer people just for the lower expectations.  Maybe I should underrepresent myself.

I feel SOOOO stuck soo many times, its like I'll forever be stuck in between the genders and I'm just spiritually deteriorating more and more as the years go by.  I feel like a minority within a minority and the alienation that goes with it.

[Jamie D]

Katelyn -

Some of the stuff you perceive just isn't the case.  We have a number of non-binary members here who have had all sorts of body modifications from ffs to top surgery to SRS to bottom surgery.

I'm not sure where you got your statistics for who make up "most" transgender persons.

You sound like a bigendered person, maybe even polygendered.

But, I guess, rather than saying how you feel you don't fit, tell me what you like about yourself, and what situations in which you feel comfortable.  Those are clues to your gender, as well as your sexuality (which you seem to conflate).

[Katelyn]

Katelyn -

Some of the stuff you perceive just isn't the case.  We have a number of non-binary members here who have had all sorts of body modifications from ffs to top surgery to SRS to bottom surgery.

I'm not sure where you got your statistics for who make up "most" transgender persons.

I've gone to transgender support groups and gatherings.  Most transgendered people there are TS's.  I know that crossdressers are the largest of the umbrella "transgender" term.  Genderqueer people get very little representation, and from my experience tend to be nonconforming genetic females.

Yes there are probably some that have done body modifications.  However I don't know how they get through the hurdles especially since the impression I get is that the service providers only want to deal with the "typical" transsexuals, probably in part for fear of liability issues.

You sound like a bigendered person, maybe even polygendered.

I have a few issues with that.  #1 is that my fantasy was never to be bi-gendered, but to be female (or at least majority female), #2:  I feel like my "male side" inhibits my female self.  #3 is that there's no understanding in society of a person with more than one identity, so I would face much more misunderstanding (and hostility) than a typical transsexual, which could quash any chances I have of some of my other desires to do things in life.  #4  I want to be accepted by females, and my feeling is that women won't accept me as female because I'd be considered not to be truly female (ok, much more so than TS women.)  #5:  I don't feel like I'd even be accepted by trans people, as many trans people still exhibit a tendency to judge other trans people (as I have personally witnessed.)

[LordKAT]

You might be surprised that you aren't alone at all. Check out the androgyne forest and you will find plenty like you.

[Katelyn]

it's much more useful to think in terms of what you want to DO

I can answer that:

I want to look at myself as a woman in the mirror, body and all
I want to have a physical female identity
I want to see myself as a woman
I want to unleash and develop my femininity to the full extent possible
I want my feminine feelings to be fully unleashed and possess me and be accepted as a part of me
I want to be "one of the girls" and be accepted within female circles
I want to be in an environment where my femininity is complemented and seen positively by others
I want to be allowed to feel female and bring out my full female personality (which can be pretty girlish and even bubbly.)


Well, I've wanted hormones for the longest time, as well as even SRS.  If going fulltime isn't possible, I'd settle for size B breasts and hiding everything.

[JoanneB]

I can answer that:

I want to look at myself as a woman in the mirror, body and all
I want to have a physical female identity
I want to see myself as a woman
I want to unleash and develop my femininity to the full extent possible
I want my feminine feelings to be fully unleashed and possess me and be accepted as a part of me
I want to be "one of the girls" and be accepted within female circles
I want to be in an environment where my femininity is complemented and seen positively by others
I want to be allowed to feel female and bring out my full female personality (which can be pretty girlish and even bubbly.)

Sounds just like limbo me. Maybe I am a glass half full person after all, because I realized a few years ago that the problem was really all my own. Your list is pretty much identical to what mine would be if I made one. About 3/4 of it comes down to how you allow yourself to feel and act.

I realized five years ago that decades of my avoidance of fully engaging with the question of "OK you are trans, Now What?" led to an empty shell of a life. Like a Holly stage setting I created this facade of a male. A role that I needed to act. Constantly reinforced all that I saw and was taught growing up what men are like. This other, very real and very large aspect was in conflict with that. Taught that they were shameful. Guilty that I had them.

After a lot of hard self work, gallons of tears, actually reaching out for help (something I NEVER did), finding a fantastic TG group which literally changed my life, finding a new family and friends, I lost a good amount to all of the shame. Still some guilt, especially when it comes to how all this is affecting my wife.

Yes, not having this all encompassing "Goal" of full-time transition is a bit out of what is typical. I also consider myself blessed that I don't since about every transitioned TS I know hit the wall. It was either transition, or die.

Maybe my having parts of being me, as I was, bringing me joy keeps me from hitting that wall? Transitioning to full-time, while more real and likely then ever before in my life (including the 2 experiments at it in my 20's), it is also becoming a far more difficult decision thanks to self acceptance I gained. Conflicted since I have also been able to achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

[suzifrommd]

I don't fit in with transsexuals because I don't feel female all the time.  In fact I don't even always desire transitioning (especially when I feel like I'll never be a woman and after a bad experience.)

Hang in there, girl. There are a lot more of us that feel this way than you think.

[svaso]

It's sometimes hard to look at myself as a woman when I have to present as a male at work.  Or when my family doesn't want me to dress as myself when the nephews are around.  I'm also the only single person in my TG group. It  makes me feel alien a little bit.  I believe time and persistence will change all that.  I like how I look and feel.

This might be different than you, but I never met someone exactly like me before, either.  I just like how I am, and admire other peoples differences.

[Ms Grace]

This might be different than you, but I never met someone exactly like me before, either.  I just like how I am, and admire other peoples differences.

Exactly, I love this. I did once feel like "the only weirdo in the village" but now I really embrace my personal quirks and uniqueness. And katelyn, I might identify as trans* but that doesn't mean I identify with every other trans person, far from it. 

[ErinM]

Reading this I can safely say that I could have written 90% of this a couple years ago. I've just passed the 100 day mark on living full time as a female.

One thing that I've come to accept is that there will be times that are times where I still "feel male". This only seems natural considering I spent most of my life convincing myself that it's true. That part if me always fought back when I considered transition and it hadn't gone down quietly. 

[Antonia J]

First,  don't trade one stereotype for another. Just be the best you that you can be, regardless of whether or not there is a tidy box to fit into. Be proud of you.

I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. My closet is 50/50 male/female clothes.  Some days are femme and some are male. Some days I really like dressing as a guy and other days I can feel overcome with dysphoria. Often times I will blend fashion from both sides of the closet. 

I am on a lower dose of estrogen with no testosterone blocker and the effects to my skin, libido, aggression, emotions, and appearance in my face are awesome. I probably look androgynous and I know my coworkers are confused.  However, I realized awhile ago with the help of a good gender therapist that all I really need to figure out is what is right for me.

Btw, I also am attracted to women. I don't know if that makes me a closet lesbian, because some days I do like being a guy, but see myself more female in my mind's eye. I just know where I am is right for me. There is no right path, just your path.