Resistance to name change

[Ms Grace]

As we go through transition, changing our name, or at the very least using a different name when presenting as our preferred gender, is probably a near universal experience. I've already done it twice...during my first go at transition I was going to be Julie Anne, and used Julie every time I presented as a woman in public or amongst friends. When things went pear shaped and I chose to remain male I still legally changed my name - to Julian. I lived by that name for three years before changing it back to my original birth name. So anyway, my point is that in both instances the name changes were not related to gender at all - male name to male name to male name - and people got it wrong, and continued to get it wrong for quite some time. Those who knew me by my original name struggled with Julian, and just as they got used to it...I changed it back (poor suffering things!). Those who knew me only as Julian, and there were many, found it difficult when I went back to my original name. So yeah, people struggle when someone changes there name. I have cousin who changed her name (not her gender), although the first letter remained the same (K)...do you think anyone would do the right thing and use her new name when talking about her behind her back? Nope. Some eight years later my mother still refers to her by her original name. There just seems to be an inbuilt resistance to people changing their name, especially amongst relatives it would seem!

I wonder if the best remedy for it isn't having people who know the former name mix socially with people who only know the new name, that will probably give them practice in using it and getting used to it!

Guess I'm looking at another go in six months...the third time I will have changed my name.

[Lauren5]

In my opinion, I think a simultaneous gender change along with a name change would be beneficial. It would be just silly to call a girl Julian. You might get a feminized version of your male name sometimes (Dad wants me to go by Rhyanna, I'm not a drag queen, dad) but I don't think you'll have too much problem.
You'll just have to wait and see, everyone is different. Some may pick up quick. Some may struggle.

[Joules]

Grace is a cool name!  So is Julie for that matter, it's what I would have been called if my body were born female.  I haven't settled on it yet but it's what I've gone by in my own mind for a very long time (or at least, as much as I allowed myself to know of it "back then").  It is fun to try on different female names. 

I know exactly what you mean about expecting others to learn a new name.  I had a good friend who shortened his name from "Randy" to "Rand" because his sisters thought the former was inappropriate for it's meaning in other cultures.  I kind of lost connection with him about that time, in part due to the name change, in part due to other things, but the name change sure didn't help.  I just didn't know anyone named "Rand", my old friend was gone!

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Hhhhm I think that it actually depends on the person...

for example I was out as a girl with my best friend who I know for 13 years , anyways he always talks to me the way he would talk to any other guy but that day was different he knew that , anyway at one point he says to me (in greek , but this is how it would be in english) "yo bro tomorrow we goin there,you diggin?" and I swear to god there was a guy standing near by who gave me the wierdest look ever :/
anyway the point is that no matter what I do that guy doesnt seem to even care about how to talk with me ,,,

but on the other hand Ι have that other friend , when I came out to him he asked me if im feeling tortured every time they call me philip (blah),I said yes , and anyway after that he never called me like that again even when im boy mode he calls me phil...

so I think if the person is willing to understand you then there really isnt an issue they will call you right,,,
buuut most  are simply inconsiderate people who dont undestand how you feel,,,so yeah...
in some cases time is required...

[Rachel85]

I think that there are a few things happening there Grace and I think you pretty much nailed it.
Some people accept change and other people's choices, others will resist it and dig in. I guess old habits are hard to break too.

I've been really aware that despite my Dad being very supportive of me transitioning, seeing me dressed in either andro or femme clothes only (but not in a dress or make up yet though) and him actively speaking to people about my transition ie parents support groups and PFLAG etc. he is still always referring to me as he always would, as a male. I cringe every time he calls me "Mate" "Son" and "Where is he?" for instance and I don't think that will change anytime soon. Which really sucks.

To be fair it has been a long time that he has called me by all those names and pronouns but that isn't an excuse for the long term. When I legally change my name to Rachel I will insist. I will be very insistent about it! Particularly at work too. I will give people a little bit of a "honeymoon" period but I will be right all over them if it gets beyond reasonable time.

Just on another note Grace, we are both looking at a very similar timetable! I'm planning on being FT by mid year to early second half 2014! And both of us in Sydney too!

[bethany]

As it was explained to me some people who knew you a long time; just out of habit will call you by your old name. They are not doing it to be disresepctful its just old habits die hard.

My dad will still call me by my birth name and use the male pronouns at times. I just pray that it don't happen in public.

[tgchar21]

Grace, good thing you don't live in North Carolina - there you would've faced obstacles with legally changing your name multiple times. Under a state law you're allowed only one non-marriage-related name change in your whole adult life (other than to restore a former name). I once heard of a trans* person who faced that obstacle (she had previously changed her name for religious reasons while still living as a male), and the only easy way around it is to move to another state where you can do a name change without that restriction.

[Jayne]

It's tricky to get people to accept/remember a name change, i've been known my Xbox live friends for up to 6 yrs now, at first they tried to use my new name & then I had to endure 6 months away from a broadband connection & when I returned they reverted to using my old name, in the end I changed my gamertag to my new name & within a couple of months my old name has almost been forgotten by them. . . . .if only I could use this trick on my mum

[lilacwoman]

I changed my name and got an R initial pendant so the proof is right there round my neck for anyone to see and be reminded that now I'm R...

[Gina Taylor]

Reading through most of these posts, I can relate with a lot of them, even though I haven't yet legally changed my name, but I do find that it is easier to tell a stranger my feminine name and it's alot easier to accept than it is to tell a relative my name and they're very hesitant to adapt to it. My mom is very resistant to change for one. She's told me that she'll never call me by the name Gina, because she gave birth to a son and not a daughter and so she'll still remain to call me by my birth name. 

BTW, has anyone heard of the actor Julian Sands?

[Ms Grace]

In my opinion, I think a simultaneous gender change along with a name change would be beneficial.

Yes, a gender change certainly "authenticates" the name change.

It would be just silly to call a girl Julian. You might get a feminized version of your male name sometimes...

oh, "Julian" was kind of the consolation male name prize, since I wasn't going to be female (or be Julie Anne) I needed at least to have something that helped ease the pain, so to speak. And I did have a few people think my name was Julie when I was introduced.

Grace is a cool name!  So is Julie for that matter, it's what I would have been called if my body were born female.  I haven't settled on it yet but it's what I've gone by in my own mind for a very long time (or at least, as much as I allowed myself to know of it "back then").  It is fun to try on different female names. 

Grace is the name that came to me when I was trying to think of a feminised version of my unfeminisable middle name (Grant). I'm really glad it did, I like Grace a lot! I decided I couldn't go back to "Julie" because it kind of has a few bad memories and history for me... even so, when I'm feeling down I actually find myself unintentionally referring to myself as "poor, Julie". Weird, huh? If I'd been born a girl I would have been Judith... which was ultimately my sister's name. Love my sister, but I'm kind of glad I didn't get called Judith!

I know exactly what you mean about expecting others to learn a new name.  I had a good friend who shortened his name from "Randy" to "Rand" ... I just didn't know anyone named "Rand", my old friend was gone!

Yeah, I think that's a large part of it. When you think of them in a past tense you remember them by the old name because that is your memory. And it's probably why people struggle so much initially with a name (or gender) change, their memory of the person doesn't match up with the present version. Others cope better of course.

Hhhhm I think that it actually depends on the person... I think if the person is willing to understand you then there really isnt an issue they will call you right... buuut most  are simply inconsiderate people who dont undestand how you feel...so yeah...in some cases time is required...

Yes, totally agree. My mother isn't willing to respect my cousin's (her niece's) name change. She calls her the new name to her face, but doesn't use it when she's not around. In part it was because the reason for the name change was never explained, not that it matters - but my mother needs to "understand" those kind of things.

To be fair it has been a long time that he has called me by all those names and pronouns but that isn't an excuse for the long term. When I legally change my name to Rachel I will insist. I will be very insistent about it! Particularly at work too. I will give people a little bit of a "honeymoon" period but I will be right all over them if it gets beyond reasonable time.

People slip up, that's for sure. As time goes on they'll get the hang of it, it's all about building new neural pathways in the brain. They have to think about it at first and then it gets easier and easier. But if they're not on the ball they can still slip up. Someone I met as Julian slipped up after about ten years! Probably she'd been talking to someone who didn't know me by the name I'd gone back to and that re-triggered the old name.

Just on another note Grace, we are both looking at a very similar timetable! I'm planning on being FT by mid year to early second half 2014! And both of us in Sydney too!

That is so cool. There's another girl on the forum in Sydney planning on transitioning to full time next year too.

Grace, good thing you don't live in North Carolina - there you would've faced obstacles with legally changing your name multiple times. Under a state law you're allowed only one non-marriage-related name change in your whole adult life...

Yowch, I don't think that's the case in my state but I'd better check. They actually let you change your birth certificate and registered gender once you have surgery so I hope I haven't messed that one up!

It's tricky to get people to accept/remember a name change, i've been known my Xbox live friends for up to 6 yrs now, at first they tried to use my new name & then I had to endure 6 months away from a broadband connection & when I returned they reverted to using my old name, in the end I changed my gamertag to my new name & within a couple of months my old name has almost been forgotten by them. . .

Yeah I'm changing my online moniker too. Even though the old one and new one are non-gendered people associate the old one with my male identity.

I changed my name and got an R initial pendant so the proof is right there round my neck for anyone to see and be reminded that now I'm R...

That is such a great idea. I might even go with a name pendant. Might come in handy for folk who forget my name, especially in those moments when they're about to introduce me to someone!

My mom is very resistant to change for one. She's told me that she'll never call me by the name Gina, because she gave birth to a son and not a daughter and so she'll still remain to call me by my birth name. 

Hopefully she'll come around but it might take some time... 

[tgchar21]

Yowch, I don't think that's the case in my state but I'd better check. They actually let you change your birth certificate and registered gender once you have surgery so I hope I haven't messed that one up!

I think you'd be fine anywhere else in the country - I don't think any other states have a "lifetime" limit on changing your name besides NC.

[Gina Taylor]

Hopefully she'll come around but it might take some time... 

That's what everyone has been telling me, but while I suffer I'm supposed to give her time to adjust to me. I've actually become limited in being able to be my true self, but I'm really hoping on finding a room for rent very soon so that I'll be able to start living full time without her knowing about it. It'll be the only way that I can live comfortably. But as for changing my name, there's too much involved, so I'll be avoiding that. And so many people have told me that they like the name Gina, so I really don't know why my mom doesn't like it, unless it's simply because she didn't pick it for me.   

[Shana-chan]

That's what everyone has been telling me, but while I suffer I'm supposed to give her time to adjust to me. I've actually become limited in being able to be my true self, but I'm really hoping on finding a room for rent very soon so that I'll be able to start living full time without her knowing about it. It'll be the only way that I can live comfortably. But as for changing my name, there's too much involved, so I'll be avoiding that. And so many people have told me that they like the name Gina, so I really don't know why my mom doesn't like it, unless it's simply because she didn't pick it for me.   

Well, the bolded I want to say, yes it IS making us suffer having to give people who can't simply accept things and so on time, however, most people NEED time in order to adjust, not to mention to process knowing we're transgender etc. In our mind we just want to be called/referred/seen etc. as our true gender and want people to see etc. that as well but, we need to stop and think about how hard this is for the others involved, especially a parent. It will take time HOWEVER! If the person isn't open minded, isn't listening and refuses to do as you've asked them then they could have an entire life time and eternity and never do as you want them too. My best advice is to try and reason with them, tell them how it's disrespectful to call someone something they don't wish to be called, especially if it is hurting you. Doesn't matter their belief/religion etc., theirs doesn't go over your feelings and further more, let them know just because they are being respectful and calling you by whatever you wish to be called doesn't mean they're "giving in" and saying "oh, if I call them this then that means I'm giving in and saying I agree with them/believe them etc." because no that doesn't mean that. It ONLY MEANS they are being kind, respectful and thoughtful of you, your safety etc. Nothing more.

I think that there are a few things happening there Grace and I think you pretty much nailed it.
Some people accept change and other people's choices, others will resist it and dig in. I guess old habits are hard to break too.

I've been really aware that despite my Dad being very supportive of me transitioning, seeing me dressed in either andro or femme clothes only (but not in a dress or make up yet though) and him actively speaking to people about my transition ie parents support groups and PFLAG etc. he is still always referring to me as he always would, as a male. I cringe every time he calls me "Mate" "Son" and "Where is he?" for instance and I don't think that will change anytime soon. Which really sucks.

To be fair it has been a long time that he has called me by all those names and pronouns but that isn't an excuse for the long term. When I legally change my name to Rachel I will insist. I will be very insistent about it! Particularly at work too. I will give people a little bit of a "honeymoon" period but I will be right all over them if it gets beyond reasonable time.

Just on another note Grace, we are both looking at a very similar timetable! I'm planning on being FT by mid year to early second half 2014! And both of us in Sydney too!

At the bolded, I feel for you and know how you feel. Unlike you though my Dad is being less supportive of who I am, at this point in time he's got it so I don't wear dresses, skirts and makeup around him and is being close to a brick wall to get him to accept facts/the reality here.  My step mom is more open, she doesn't care what I wear around her, but usually if I see her I see my Dad too soo, yeah... Anyway, I am being VERY persistent in re-correcting them, especially my Dad (As he's being a LOT harder to get him to stop calling me by male titles etc.) whenever they call me by male titles. At this point I understand they need time, will slip up (Thus the re-correcting further helps them get used to calling me by the right titles etc.) and so on and I'm letting them call me by gender neutral terms but until then, until they finally get to a point at which they're calling me fully by female titles etc., I refuse to eat out with them or be seen in public with them where there's people out of fear they might slip up and blow my cover. -_- Anyway, my advice here is to have talks with them, give examples of how it makes you feel when they call you by stuff you don't wish to be called etc. and to also start re-correcting them whenever they do make a mistake. I believe it'd help if you started now vs. later since the early bird gets the worm as they say and since he's being supportive, it sounds like he'd be willing to try calling you by whatever you wish to be called but the longer you wait, the harder it'll be for him to adjust to calling you by your new name etc. Btw, Rachel is a very lovely name.

[Gina Taylor]

Well, the bolded I want to say, yes it IS making us suffer having to give people who can't simply accept things and so on time, however, most people NEED time in order to adjust, not to mention to process knowing we're transgender etc. In our mind we just want to be called/referred/seen etc. as our true gender and want people to see etc. that as well but, we need to stop and think about how hard this is for the others involved, especially a parent. It will take time HOWEVER! If the person isn't open minded, isn't listening and refuses to do as you've asked them then they could have an entire life time and eternity and never do as you want them too. My best advice is to try and reason with them, tell them how it's disrespectful to call someone something they don't wish to be called, especially if it is hurting you. Doesn't matter their belief/religion etc., theirs doesn't go over your feelings and further more, let them know just because they are being respectful and calling you by whatever you wish to be called doesn't mean they're "giving in" and saying "oh, if I call them this then that means I'm giving in and saying I agree with them/believe them etc." because no that doesn't mean that. It ONLY MEANS they are being kind, respectful and thoughtful of you, your safety etc. Nothing more.

Y'know that makes a lot of sense, and it's an angle that I haven't thought of trying, but I think I'll talk with my therapist first and see what he thinks about it first and then I'll see how it works on my parents. 'Cos like you said, all I want is there respect as much as I want to respect them. And my mom can't really use the entire population of our towns on me to stop me from being my true self. Now what I mean by that is that she's trying to convince me that people are going to recognize me, even though I am dressed as a woman and she has customers from four different towns that she has established over 18 years that she feels I'm going to ruin because she feels that they're going to see me and recognize me and feel weird about doing business with a company that has a son who dresses as a woman.

She wants me to go to places where no one knows me, because she feels that I'd have a better chance on being passable. But she doesn't understand that I've had people tell me that I am passable in my home town, so why should I have to go elsewhere?

[Shana-chan]

Y'know that makes a lot of sense, and it's an angle that I haven't thought of trying, but I think I'll talk with my therapist first and see what he thinks about it first and then I'll see how it works on my parents. 'Cos like you said, all I want is there respect as much as I want to respect them. And my mom can't really use the entire population of our towns on me to stop me from being my true self. Now what I mean by that is that she's trying to convince me that people are going to recognize me, even though I am dressed as a woman and she has customers from four different towns that she has established over 18 years that she feels I'm going to ruin because she feels that they're going to see me and recognize me and feel weird about doing business with a company that has a son who dresses as a woman.

She wants me to go to places where no one knows me, because she feels that I'd have a better chance on being passable. But she doesn't understand that I've had people tell me that I am passable in my home town, so why should I have to go elsewhere?

Getting advice from others is a good thing.

Well, the answer is you shouldn't have to. lol The thing your mom doesn't understand is you aren't a man dressing as a woman. I cannot speak for business/customers on what is the right thing here but imo people shouldn't stop doing business with someone just because they're different from others. Besides, last I checked we're ALL different. Perhaps you should try telling her how she's making you feel, ask her how SHE'D FEEL if all of a sudden, for whatever reason someone told her she needs to start going else where far away because of who she is, see what she says to that? (Obviously don't use your example or any, just as what I said) Still if people don't recognize you then that'll help you get through to her but my advice is try and get her to come to some of your therapy sessions. Might help.