So this will be just something I need to get off my chest. My current therapist isn't a gender therapist so we don't talk about my gender much. Also I'm still not use to therapy so I really just go to rant about stuff. Nothing really gets resolved or anything. So I'm just gonna talk about two things here I need to get off my chest.
1. My friend may have pushed me closer to figuring out if I'm trans or non binary:
So my friend who knows I may be trans and knows I'm getting ftm top surgery (everyone else just thinks it's normal breast reduction) asked me last Friday if it bothered me if people called me a guy and I told him pronouns didn't bother me. He proceeded to tell me how he felt people were stupid for thinking I was a guy and how I clearly look like a girl. I told him I didn't care and it didn't bother me and that it seems to bother him more than it did me. We laughed it off and proceeded to go to our movie. Later as we are going home we pass by some female residents and one thanks me for... Well I'm not sure if it was for holding the door open or for saying I wasn't going to mention anything about her friend bringing a box of cereal with her as their heading out. Anyways she gives me a hug and thanks me saying "thank you sir you're so kind" my friend heard and once again started his little rant. This time it actually bothered me but I figured I'd get over it like normal until one day at work I saw myself in the mirror. His words echoed in my head and I got upset. I feel like I look like a dude but you can also see that I'm a girl. I don't for some reason him saying its obvious that I'm a girl and you must be stupid to think otherwise really upset me! I don't suffer through wearing a binder to help with dysphoria and go through all of this trouble to try and get top surgery for nothing. I didn't think not being seen as a guy would upset me so much but it has. Every time I see my reflection now and I think I look like a guy it just bothers me like I'm the only one who actually sees this man.
2. My stupid feelings for me best friend won't go away!
So I developed feelings for my best friend (calling her L) last summer. I thought they were just because she's the first person I have ever been so close to other than my mother and at the time she was closer to me than my mom. Also it didn't help that people would think we were dating all the time whenever we were out and my friend who I confided my confused feelings to said that she believed that L whether she liked me or not definitely had strong feelings for me that was more than what a normal friend would or should have. But I pushed the thought away after me and L talked about it and we moved on. Our relationship didn't change because of it (it did later change after she started dating someone) which is what I was so concerned about so I was happy but then I just couldn't get the idea of us being together out of my head and it only got worse when I started to think of myself as a dude. Now I can't stop thinking about how we will be after I transition. We work for the same company and we will be transferred to new properties soon so I won't see her for who knows how long. So by then I'll be more of the man I've always seen myself as and I can't stop hoping that she will finally like me the same way once I transition.
I hate it though for many reasons but the main ones are
1. I know how unrealistic that is
2. I don't even want to date her because she has a lot of unresolved daddy issues that affect her relationships with everyone and
3. Why would I want to be with someone who can't accept my original self?
But I'm weak for her and know darn well I'd give her everything if she wanted it. I'd hate myself but I'd love knowing she's my girl. She really drives me nuts man Like today we were talking about one new resident and I said he's not hard to find he's kind of short for a guy and she quickly said "so? not all guys are tall" it made me crazily happy because I'm only 5'2 and she's slightly shorter than so I'm not tall but she fits perfectly in my arms when I hug her. So for her to say not all guys are tall made me happy even if she's just saying it because her old boyfriend is only 5'4-5'6 and she's trying to get back with him.
I really hope this distance will break me of her spell because I don't want to never be able to form good relationships because I'm stuck on her. I hate how much she affects me and how I can't stop myself from caring about her so deeply and just want to see her smile. She's just the most beautiful person I've ever seen flaws and all. I'm so annoyed with myself and these stupid feelings!
Okay I feel so much better getting this out! Sorry if this was long and you read all of it and thank you for reading it all lol
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