My internal peace vs. external conflict of my family

[kellizgirl]

As I sat around with my family this holiday season it became painfully aware to me that the transition I so desperately want to bring internal peace to me will be the source of great external conflict with in my family. I am no a little scared to be honest of moving forward any further in my transition. My wife and I had a long talk and she is starting to understand the hell I am living in, but she is by no means attracted to Kelli, so even thought she promised she would never leave me it will put a definite strain on our marriage. Plus my kids and the torment they will receive in this small rural town in Ohio. So, when does the peace internally out weigh the pain I will inflict on my family? I am really more confused now and hate myself even more. I just don't know.

[Lauren5]

Oh Kelli, you poor thing.
I wish I could help, but can only relate. I feel like I'm cutting the final strings in my parents relationship and subjecting my sister to the torment that is created in the delicate yet crude balances of the social aspects of high school. I just wish it was easier, to explain that we are still the same people, only different in gender expression and name. We are still sons and daughters, husbands and wives, mothers and dads, just the opposite of what we were percieved to be.

I wish that there was more I could do to help.

[Shards]

I don't think you should hate yourself. There's too much hate in the world already. My hope is that your kids and mine will learn from these struggles and will grow up to be loving people who are accepting of diversity. To do that, they need to see us accept ourselves.

We live in a small town, too, and that is one of my biggest worries about my spouse's transition. I worry, for example, that some closed-minded people will not let their kids come for a play date with my son once they know that his dad is MtF. Of course that would be very unreasonable of them in countless ways, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a possible outcome. I wish that I could protect my family from intolerance, but I don't think it's possible.

One other thing to think about is that you're not actually the one causing your family pain. Rather, the people who bring about the pain are those who believe that transitioning is somehow shameful. I think that if we can avoid the shame trap, then there's nothing to compete with or weigh down that internal peace we all strive for. (This is easier said than done, but I do believe it.) I think that's a good lesson for our kids, too.

I  hope that the new year brings you the inner strength and peace that you need.

[kathyk]

Before I continue I have to say thank you to Peregrine.  And I'll post my comment separately to yours.
-----

Kelli:

I'm sorry if this sounds negative, cold, or insensitive. 

In transition we loose so much, as it's weighed against our personal gain.  I told my wife about my gender issues 20 years ago when she suspected something very different was wrong.  And afterwards I buried my gender deep inside, and fought off every desire or need that surfaced for the sake of my wife and children.  I could have lost everything then, but JoAnn and I both decided to stay as a family for the children.  So I guess that was our joint sacrifice.  And even though we kept our family together the love and tenderness was gone, and we lived in a sterile but loving friendship.  I survived by bathing myself in work, but at least our sons had a father and complete family for those years. 

I still don't know if staying with JoAnn was the right decision.  And in three weeks when I fly to Michigan everything that we salvaged for more than 20 years will disappear anyway.  I now have to leave our marriage behind or I'll die inside, or worse.

I wish I could tell you that your marriage and family will remain pristine, and the two of you will have the same touch, kiss, and tenderness you've had since you met.  But that most likely changed for you, as it did for me.  Our losses can be delayed, but for most us it's only a delay.  It's your decision whether make a sacrifice to keep a full family. 

I don't know what's right for either of you.  So I offered what I know about my life as an example.

Hugs and peace.  K

[kathyk]

I don't think you should hate yourself. There's too much hate in the world already. My hope is that your kids and mine will learn from these struggles and will grow up to be loving people who are accepting of diversity. To do that, they need to see us accept ourselves.

We live in a small town, too, and that is one of my biggest worries about my spouse's transition. I worry, for example, that some closed-minded people will not let their kids come for a play date with my son once they know that his dad is MtF. Of course that would be very unreasonable of them in countless ways, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a possible outcome. I wish that I could protect my family from intolerance, but I don't think it's possible.

One other thing to think about is that you're not actually the one causing your family pain. Rather, the people who bring about the pain are those who believe that transitioning is somehow shameful. I think that if we can avoid the shame trap, then there's nothing to compete with or weigh down that internal peace we all strive for. (This is easier said than done, but I do believe it.) I think that's a good lesson for our kids, too.

I  hope that the new year brings you the inner strength and peace that you need.

Peregrine:

I'm immensely happy you took the time to post for us, and show us how much you care about and understand what can hurt everyone in your life.  JoAnn told me that when I came out she knew our lives would take a different path someday.  She'd worked with transgender and transsexual women in her job as an RN doing home healthcare, and her perspective guided what she envisioned for us.  She knew I'd one day transition, yet prayed it would never happen. 

JoAnn also told me she can never live with a woman as a partner, and  since I began my transition 18 months ago she's been letting go of the life we had.  I do wish she had been more open to who I was, but I deliberately hid a part of my life when we married because I falsely believed it was a stupid fetish, sexual deviance, or passing fantasy.  But it wasn't any of those, and I felt for years as if I lied to JoAnn, and she felt deceived, manipulated and abandoned.  It made our lives a living abyss of darkness as we closed each other out.  But as our last three weeks together pass, we have opened up more than we have in 20 years.  We cry together. 

I'm packing some of my personal items, giving my sons the things they should have, and I'll sell, or let JoAnn sell the rest.  Everything in our lives has changed, and sometimes I still hate myself for who I am, and what I've done.  But life goes on, and my wife and I will both survive ... separately.

Katherine

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry for your pain. I've only know my own pain of being wrong in my body. In one sense I've been lucky because I've never married , so what I do doesn't affect anyone but me. But, I do Know what hell is like.

[LizMarie]

Every single trans individual's experience is different, but often there are similarities.

My own situation mirrored Kathy's to a great degree, with the exception that I never expressly told her. She simply knew something was wrong by my frequent failures at trying to function as a male. And now she knows, so we're on the road to being done.

And yet, looking back, I ultimately had to come out and face myself, and in facing myself choose to begin transition. I've lost my spouse, both of my sons, their spouses, their children, and one brother. I've kept my daughter, two brothers, and a sister. When I evaluate my own peace of mind, it has been worth it to me.

Only you can decide what losses are acceptable or not acceptable, but I would warn you, that continuing to lie to yourself is ultimately destructive. Whatever you choose, at least choose truth for yourself. My lies almost destroyed me. Never again.