explaining the difference between sexuality and gender to people?

[latoya fox]

i'm currently in a relationship with a guy, we've been seeing eachother over 2 monthes, i told him before hand that i was trans and he was fine with it, our relationship is  what i consider a hetero relationship as i live my life as a woman, he treats me like a woman, uses female pronouns, everything, what gets to me though is when i have to explain my relationship to people regarding sexuality, for example from my grandmother " oh i thought your boyfriend was gay" no grammy, brandon is straight, why would a guy guy want me? he looks and sees me as a woman, not a man, so they have no attraction to me, nor i to them, am i the only one who gets annoyed by this comparisson? maybe i'm overreacting but i just find it so annoying to explain -.-

[livinit]

I meet a lot of the general public who seem confused by all of this. It maybe oversimplified, but I think this works okay to help people separate public identity from sexual identity. I keep it over simplified for the 'beginners' to grasp a good basic idea of separation.

I tell them:

I have a lot of trans friends.

Some are gay.

Some are bi.

Some are hetero and married to natal born women (or men) they've lived with their whole lives..

I then point out that "this makes trans a public identity, and gay/bi/lesbian, is more of a private identity. A sexual identity, if you will. A woman or a man is just how people want to be seen as in public and should not be confused with sexual identity. Sexual identity? That's their business".

Hope this helps.

[Tori]

It is often easier to categorize and explain the different groups of trans people than it is to categorize and explain our SO's. I identify as a lesbian but I don't think my wife does.

[Ms Grace]

A few months ago I saw an absolutely gorgeous trans woman in my endo's waiting room. I have no idea what her sexual orientation was, even if she was attracted to women I didn't think for a second we stood a chance together but it didn't stop me daydreaming about it. However it did confuse me for a few days... I really didn't know how to understand it. Sure, there are cases of two trans people hooking up but the only ones I've heard of are those from opposite genders - m2f & f2m. I suppose there have been m2f couples or f2m couples, certainly there I was daydreaming about the possibility myself. Gosh, she was gorgeous!

[kelly_aus]

Gender is who you go to bed as.. Sexuality is who you go to bed with..

[Lesley_Roberta]

Gender is who you go to bed as.. Sexuality is who you go to bed with..

Hard to say that more efficiently.

[Anna++]

Gender is who you go to bed as.. Sexuality is who you go to bed with..

I was going to say "Sexuality is who you like.   Gender is who you are", but I like kelly_aus' phrasing better

[DrBobbi]

Just ask a guy if he'd have sex with a transwomen and invariably they'll say "No, I'm not gay." Unless, of course, they're a real man and secure with their own sexuality.

[stephaniec]

A few months ago I saw an absolutely gorgeous trans woman in my endo's waiting room. I have no idea what her sexual orientation was, even if she was attracted to women I didn't think for a second we stood a chance together but it didn't stop me daydreaming about it. However it did confuse me for a few days... I really didn't know how to understand it. Sure, there are cases of two trans people hooking up but the only ones I've heard of are those from opposite genders - m2f & f2m. I suppose there have been m2f couples or f2m couples, certainly there I was daydreaming about the possibility myself. Gosh, she was gorgeous!

nothing wrong with day dreaming

[latoya fox]

i agree with all of you, i was talking to one person the other night who said he would not date a transsexual but what made me pissed was that he was talking about them being gay men, lol i was like sweetheart, being gay and trans are not the same at all, i never felt gay, even though i knew from an early age i liked boys, but i saw things from the female aspect, i've only been with straight men, NEVER gay. and people are always like to me, oh well they must be confused guys lol. ugh

[Thylacin]

I then point out that "this makes trans a public identity, and gay/bi/lesbian, is more of a private identity. A sexual identity, if you will. A woman or a man is just how people want to be seen as in public and should not be confused with sexual identity. Sexual identity? That's their business".

I disagree. Heterosexual relationships are public, and same-sex relationships are just as much. People have romantic relationships and marriages that are part of their public life. Gender identity is as private and public as who one is attracted to. IMO, your way of explaining it is inaccurate and creates more confusion.


A person who is attracted to people who are of the same gender as them is homosexual. A male/female identified person who is attracted to female/male (respectively) people is heterosexual, a person who is attracted to people of either male or female gender is bisexual, and a person who is attracted to people of any gender identity is pansexual.

[livinit]

I disagree. Heterosexual relationships are public, and same-sex relationships are just as much. People have romantic relationships and marriages that are part of their public life. Gender identity is as private and public as who one is attracted to. IMO, your way of explaining it is inaccurate and creates more confusion.


A person who is attracted to people who are of the same gender as them is homosexual. A male/female identified person who is attracted to female/male (respectively) people is heterosexual, a person who is attracted to people of either male or female gender is bisexual, and a person who is attracted to people of any gender identity is pansexual.

I'm sure everyone has their own special way to help people understand the difference between a gay person and a TS.

Considering my usual audience, I think it's important for me to keep things simple, basic, and clear.

Others might need it phrased a different way. If someone won't understand it this way, it's nice that here on this thread, we have so many ways to pick from.

I really like the one liner Kelly Aus employs ~ That's REALLY simplified. Nice one! I always like to oversimplify at first..then layer on information as it's called for in the conversation.

[Thylacin]

I'm sure everyone has their own special way to help people understand the difference between a gay person and a TS.

Considering my usual audience, I think it's important for me to keep things simple, basic, and clear.

Others might need it phrased a different way. If someone won't understand it this way, it's nice that here on this thread, we have so many ways to pick from.

I really like the one liner Kelly Aus employs ~ That's REALLY simplified. Nice one! I always like to oversimplify at first..then layer on information as it's called for in the conversation.

But it's not simple, nor clear, and it promotes misconceptions. Isn't that the opposite of what you would want to do if you were attempting to explain sexual orientation?

Kelly_aus's is also problematic and reduces gender identity to a private/sexual thing.

There are ways to put things into simple language without saying things that are so simplistic as to be counter-productive.

[nonameyet]

honestly i think you are overreacting. but i reallt have NO room to talk in that regard.

think about it from their perspective. aside from the fact that it doesnt seem like anyones trying to be insensitive about it there are a lot of reasons for it to be confusing. theres gay and trans and cross dressing and bi and just the fact that technically a trans woman who is into men only  pre op is for all intents and purposes gay. ( please dont hang me for that one its just a biological thing and my opinion) and if youre mtf youre a trans woman not a trans man. which in and of itself is confusing.

theres just so many different combinations and identities that  a person can be. try explaining bisexual transwoman tomboy.

just sayin. its really confusing for people who arent familiarized with the terms and culture.
and really its kinda cute in that puppy dog way when people dont get it.

[livinit]

True there. I think the task was to help the OP's grandmother (and others) separate trans from gay. I agree with all the orientation categories, but why bomb poor grandmother with all that? She just needs to know trans and gay aren't the same thing, and a simple reason why. Consider the target audience.

[Janae]

From vile things I've read online from ignorant people to understanding one's like my mother people either don't know or don't care.

The main thing is people simply can't get past what we were born. Whenever I've tried to break down everything to my mother she seems to get it somewhat, but then she'll do or say something that makes me feel like my educating her was pointless.

Most people assume because we're born male and a man is with us he's automatically gay. I've literally heard it all. From people thinking "Transgender Male or Man" means a MTF, to people no understanding that trans-people can be gay, lesbian, and yes straight.

It's frustrating but it is what it is.

I know at one point I was unaware of all these things myself. So I try to be patient, but it's almost 2014 we do have Google for these things. But then again you have to want to be educated to even go there. I'm at a point were I pick and choose who I'll educate and who's not worth the hassle. All that matters is what we think. But it is sad that more people don't know the differences. It's not like these things are taught in middle school during health class when sex & gender is being explained. I think if it was more widely known it would make life easier for those of us who live in the gray area of life. But then again when your "normal" and enjoying cis-privilege why concern yourself with those who aren't.

[latoya fox]

thank you ladies for your responses, i agree with all of you

[boddi]

I find having to constantly explain this as TERRIBLY frustrating, irritating and a reality check on just how ignorant people really are.  It infuriates me.  People ALWAYS assume that a MTF will ALWAYS like men sexually.  I am SICK of having to say that NO, actually, there are many MTF LESBIANS.  Ok, sorry guys, rant over....

[Adam (birkin)]

I usually just tell people that there are trans people who used to like the "opposite sex" (like that some trans men go from straight "female" to gay male, because liking guys didn't stop them from feeling like a guy). Or that many people go MTF but they are married to women and still want to be. That usually clears it up.

When it comes to SO's, I have two approaches. Some people are satisfied with "she likes men. I'm a man, so she likes me." Others need to be reminded that while I may not have a proper penis, I am hairy as all get out, I have a deep voice, I look like a guy, smell like a guy, etc. So I say "tell me, how many lesbians would be into that? Sure, a guy could have a vagina, but he's still a guy and lesbians want women. Straight women want men." 

[Ashey]

Just ask a guy if he'd have sex with a transwomen and invariably they'll say "No, I'm not gay." Unless, of course, they're a real man and secure with their own sexuality.

Asked a guy last night, and he said something like 'Transsexual women are women, aren't they?'

I was quite pleased with this answer.