do you just get to the point and say I can't do this any more

[Tessa James]

I really fear shopping for clothes. I fear I will become addicted. Also no telling how much my sizes will change. Panties only for now... I feel a bra coming on soon.

Clothes were part of it for me.  I had done years of limited cross dressing but not until this time last year did i allow myself to do the whole outfit.  They fit too well and felt so right and that was one of my "can't go back anymore" moments.

Perhaps like our Tori i feared shopping for several reasons and literally needed my hand held at the thrift store.  OMG now i love shopping and have easily spent more on clothes in the last year than in my entire life.  Yes, do fear the addiction, it's real and contagious!

[stephaniec]

Clothes were part of it for me.  I had done years of limited cross dressing but not until this time last year did i allow myself to do the whole outfit.  They fit too well and felt so right and that was one of my "can't go back anymore" moments.

Perhaps like our Tori i feared shopping for several reasons and literally needed my hand held at the thrift store.  OMG now i love shopping and have easily spent more on clothes in the last year than in my entire life.  Yes, do fear the addiction, it's real and contagious!

that would be quite interesting being let loose in a mall will a credit card that magically refilled itself

[Tessa James]

that would be quite interesting being let loose in a mall will a credit card that magically refilled itself

Now if we only had a nickel for every time "magic" was used on this site Susan wouldn't need subscribers or donators

[Tori]

I would gladly use someone else's cc, if they'd let me.

Heh, I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a wardrobe today.

[Lauren5]

If I had money I'd do it and repay.
Darn being poor.

[Tori]

Being female is difficult, time consuming expensive and painful.

It cracks me up, what cis women go through to look the way they do... and they are the fairer sex!

Sometimes I just go, "WTF was I thinking?". But each baby step is SO much fun!

[stephaniec]

Being female is difficult, time consuming expensive and painful.

It cracks me up, what cis women go through to look the way they do... and they are the fairer sex!

Sometimes I just go, "WTF was I thinking?". But each baby step is SO much fun!

yea I agree Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd get here. For one thing I didn't know how. Then things all of a sudden happened and I'm here.

[Stella Stanhope]

I just recently had a lightning bolt epiphany. It's not like out of the blue, I was struggling with for years. I was always uncomfortable as a man but now that I'm more sure it has become unbearable. I am acting more and more feminine in life but like falseprincess i hate how people just perceive me as an effeminate male or gay (in a cis male sense)

That's very similar to myself, as is this...

I dunno I just constantly feel this need to present as female , like I'm on a point that I just don't find any reason to continue present as a guy , it just hurts me too much...I'd rather present as a not that beautiful girl than a weird feminine looking guy/boy I dunno...

I generally have had incidents of expressing femininity, as well as having feminine attributes and traits since I was around 10. These were isolated and seemingly insignificant at first, but have grown over the decades until they suddenly became noticeable and  I had to address them. Soon as I started accepting and addressing the crossdressing, I then began exploring the other aspects, which led to further revelations and discoveries about myself.

I feel like my femininity has been like a rust which has slowly gathered under my masculinity until it suddenly breaks through the surface layer of paint - consciousness - and has revealed the corroded-through male identity which is full of holes and very fragile. I wasn't aware of the rusting until I started paying attention to who I was and wanted/needed to be.

The final push from within which seems to have caused a collapse in my male identity and embracing of a more female one, was when I realised that everything that I am as male - I hate (except for being attracted to girls and having a high metabolism :p ).

These were the major stress points that acted as a hammer to the fragile piece of rusted metal that was and is my male identity:

I received shirts for my birthday instead of prettier items I wanted and realised that this would continue for the rest of my life unless I actively told people that I didn't want male clothes. The shirts symbolised what I feel is the crushing conformity of presenting as male and why it just isn't me. Nor is looking like a long-stringy haired bohemian guy or a short-haired effeminate looking guy who people might mistake as gay. Neither are me, and not the look I am going for.

I saw a video of myself taken by a friend, and how I look is completely different to how I feel I should look. I saw a gawky awkward looking thin yet well-toned man with receding hair wearing men's clothes that don't fit, developing horrible rough skin and ugly male fat distribution. It felt and feels humiliating just to look like an average but slim and fit 28 year old guy. It just feels very weird and sad, despite the fact that I'm actually in good condition for my age.

And finally, I realised that I feel angsty and angry when in relationships with straight women as they never let me be anything other than a plain, standard-issue male. And to play that part I also have the privilege of paying for their pretty things. I'm fed up with having to be the one to dole out the the attention, the money and the energy to relationships with women when in return they expect me to be content with a bit of half-hearted intimacy, some bland shirts, the odd cuddle and their assumptions that I'm a dumb male animal. I don't approach sex like a guy, I approach it like a woman my girlfriends have told me. This another aspect to me that just isn't like other guys.

So all in all, I realised that I'm labouring under a gender that A: I've never really understood or properly felt part of and B: doesn't work for me anyway.

That's when the penny dropped for me and I thought "Ohhhh bugger, this has never worked being a guy, so why are we still here as one..."

:p Just incase that all got a bit heavy.... here is a video of a baby chinchilla in a toy shopping trolley. Happy New-New Year's Eve!

[delyth ann]

I am feeling really worn down about trying to act male. I ve been trying to work so hard at being male but its getting harder. My desire to be female and act feminine is getting stronger. I am scared and feel a failure in some respects. A coward as well. Ashamed of myself.
I wonder if I could ever be perceived and accepted as female. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I have had a horrid year which saw me off work for two weeks, on antidepressants for a few months and referred to a psychologist who I saw a few times.
I built up a good trust with the psychologist and but I just couldnt bring myself that to open up and tell her that I feel female on the inside. So scared of opening a pandora's box.

[MadelineB]

One word of advice: don't wait to buy clothes that feel right just because you intend to lose weight. Remember: except for transitioning women, EVERY woman's wardrobe is 100% used most of the time, except when they add a couple of new items. So do yourself a favor and pick up a full wardrobe that fits from thrift and second hand shops, then add an item at a time as your body and style changes. It's what you'll be doing the rest of your life, because women's bodies and styles are always changing.

[Janae]

Ever since I put my foot down and said it's either now or never, I've been feeling the same. Being on HRT for the past 15 mos has made me anxious to toss all my boy clothes in the trash. I'd do it to but until I've had electrolysis and full body laser I just can't. If that wasn't my road block I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm at a point where I can't do it anymore. But I know that I have to be patient and do what's best and makes me the most comfortable proceeding forward.

The things we have to give just to be us....Sigh

[Caitlyn]

Yes, definitely! I tried to deny who I really was for the better part of the last decade, but then I came to accept myself for who I am a few years ago. Then, within the past few months, I got to the point where I couldn't stand to wait around doing nothing any longer, so I started coming out to people who I knew would be accepting, and began wearing more feminine clothing. First just in my room of my shared apartment, then as I became bolder I began to go out dressed somewhat femininely, or at least in gender neutral clothing. Now I'm at the point where I really want to tell my family and the rest of my friends about myself. Unfortunately though, I can't yet, but I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the day when I will come out to them.

[stephaniec]

I am feeling really worn down about trying to act male. I ve been trying to work so hard at being male but its getting harder. My desire to be female and act feminine is getting stronger. I am scared and feel a failure in some respects. A coward as well. Ashamed of myself.
I wonder if I could ever be perceived and accepted as female. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.
I have had a horrid year which saw me off work for two weeks, on antidepressants for a few months and referred to a psychologist who I saw a few times.
I built up a good trust with the psychologist and but I just couldnt bring myself that to open up and tell her that I feel female on the inside. So scared of opening a pandora's box.

that's exactly how I was for so long . but once that lid comes off it's so much better

[stephaniec]

One word of advice: don't wait to buy clothes that feel right just because you intend to lose weight. Remember: except for transitioning women, EVERY woman's wardrobe is 100% used most of the time, except when they add a couple of new items. So do yourself a favor and pick up a full wardrobe that fits from thrift and second hand shops, then add an item at a time as your body and style changes. It's what you'll be doing the rest of your life, because women's bodies and styles are always changing.

yea, good idea, it will give me some thing fun to do and definitely push me over the edge.

[livinit]

That's what happened to me.

The breaking moment? It was two years of carefully 'getting out' and self examination (and other 'ignored' indicators of my life which were blocked out for years, and uncovered in therapy), visiting the TS discussion group my therapist ran, and finally realizing that this is 'not going away, and is very real". Tortured and engaged by the new path sitting right in front of me..one night it had built to an angry head. I took a two o'clock walk in the morning through my 'hood. All I could remember myself saying was: "I gotta do this..I have to do this...I have to get through this" I cried like hell on that walk. I was totally frustrated..did not know how the hell I was going to accomplish this feat, but I came home resolved. I'll never forget that walk. At two am..I wrote my closest friend in England.

My little brother was next. I said to him..'hey..I'm going through a sex change'..to which he replied..'wow, okay..well, uhh..good luck with that. He has worked to guard over and protect me ever since.

I began working outward from there, secretly building my support circle one person at a time, starting with the ones I knew would not reject me (my father threatened to move of the home he built..to Canada!). I saved all the known a-holes who would be difficult toward me (for months or a year later), for after several protective circles were ringed about me.

HRT was next. I nervously started hormones, wondering how I'd ever pay for all this. I then freaked out when I got a lucrative job on a very popular national tv show..hired as male..(with quickly developing breast buds). Were it not that I had to wear a kevlar vest whenever working, I would have been outed and fired ASAP. Lucky for me, I was able to find a ladies medium vest in the production office (lol, trim and sexy, and never used by anyone, or sweated in by dudes!)..and hide in my hotel room for the ten weeks. I was never to be seen without the protective covering of that damn vest. That part was really tense. I scored the cash to move onward. I got the hell out of there.

I got offered (as a male) a full time job (salary/benes) at a very protective place. I finally saw the way. I was now an unbridled fire about to burn like magnesium. I was in the catbird's seat ~ in charge of my transition and my identity, finally. I had my three-piece pressed for the last time in my life. I wore that damn thing for the interview, jokingly told them to get a good look (amongst quizzical responses)..and took the job.

Very soon, my boobs were plainly showing. I had already donned their trimmer and sexier female styled work shirts, six months earlier (I had keyed access to the uniform cabinet!). I subsequently got told by my workmates I had the female shirt on..(who began wondering/gossiping and candidly asking my lesbian friends for my alternate name) to which I readily replied, "I know, it really fits and feels great!". They just laughed rolled their eyes.

Then my name change got approval from the courts. The new task was instructing my employers on how they are to handle this, and then staying the hell out of the way while every one absorbed this news. I felt that they were relieved, because everyone was already wondering for a year..what my issues actually were.

But yes, sorry about the life story (I love to type)  ..but that walk was surely a break over point. It was a pinnacle, and decisive moment.

[KabitTarah]

Dysphoria broke me. It got strong at a time when I wanted something my problem was preventing (to lose weight and be healthy again). That coupled with the strongest dysphoria I've had while ITC and fat, tore down my wall. Those walls don't just go back up. I thought I could be a man with walled off femininity (and lots of feminine activities - I could "do" feminine 'cause I don't see gender roles in things like cooking and cake making). It just didn't last. It's not something that can last if you're transgender, IMO. That just doesn't work... at least not for me.

I'm sure there's a breaking point curve... dysphoria vs. tolerance (of the dysphoria). My dysphoria went up at the same time that my tolerance went down and my wall shattered. August 5th... the emotions came back (yay) and the stiff backed facade fled (yay)... and I've been dealing with the aftermath since (awww).

[stephaniec]

That's what happened to me.

The breaking moment? It was two years of carefully 'getting out' and self examination (and other 'ignored' indicators of my life which were blocked out for years, and uncovered in therapy), visiting the TS discussion group my therapist ran, and finally realizing that this is 'not going away, and is very real". Tortured and engaged by the new path sitting right in front of me..one night it had built to an angry head. I took a two o'clock walk in the morning through my 'hood. All I could remember myself saying was: "I gotta do this..I have to do this...I have to get through this" I cried like hell on that walk. I was totally frustrated..did not know how the hell I was going to accomplish this feat, but I came home resolved. I'll never forget that walk. At two am..I wrote my closest friend in England.

My little brother was next. I said to him..'hey..I'm going through a sex change'..to which he replied..'wow, okay..well, uhh..good luck with that. He has worked to guard over and protect me ever since.

I began working outward from there, secretly building my support circle one person at a time, starting with the ones I knew would not reject me (my father threatened to move of the home he built..to Canada!). I saved all the known a-holes who would be difficult toward me (for months or a year later), for after several protective circles were ringed about me.

HRT was next. I nervously started hormones, wondering how I'd ever pay for all this. I then freaked out when I got a lucrative job on a very popular national tv show..hired as male..(with quickly developing breast buds). Were it not that I had to wear a kevlar vest whenever working, I would have been outed and fired ASAP. Lucky for me, I was able to find a ladies medium vest in the production office (lol, trim and sexy, and never used by anyone, or sweated in by dudes!)..and hide in my hotel room for the ten weeks. I was never to be seen without the protective covering of that damn vest. That part was really tense. I scored the cash to move onward. I got the hell out of there.

I got offered (as a male) a full time job (salary/benes) at a very protective place. I finally saw the way. I was now an unbridled fire about to burn like magnesium. I was in the catbird's seat ~ in charge of my transition and my identity, finally. I had my three-piece pressed for the last time in my life. I wore that damn thing for the interview, jokingly told them to get a good look (amongst quizzical responses)..and took the job.

Very soon, my boobs were plainly showing. I had already donned their trimmer and sexier female styled work shirts, six months earlier (I had keyed access to the uniform cabinet!). I subsequently got told by my workmates I had the female shirt on..(who began wondering/gossiping and candidly asking my lesbian friends for my alternate name) to which I readily replied, "I know, it really fits and feels great!". They just laughed rolled their eyes.

Then my name change got approval from the courts. The new task was instructing my employers on how they are to handle this, and then staying the hell out of the way while every one absorbed this news. I felt that they were relieved, because everyone was already wondering for a year..what my issues actually were.

But yes, sorry about the life story (I love to type)  ..but that walk was surely a break over point. It was a pinnacle, and decisive moment.

that's a great story congratulations

[stephaniec]

That's very similar to myself, as is this...

I generally have had incidents of expressing femininity, as well as having feminine attributes and traits since I was around 10. These were isolated and seemingly insignificant at first, but have grown over the decades until they suddenly became noticeable and  I had to address them. Soon as I started accepting and addressing the crossdressing, I then began exploring the other aspects, which led to further revelations and discoveries about myself.

I feel like my femininity has been like a rust which has slowly gathered under my masculinity until it suddenly breaks through the surface layer of paint - consciousness - and has revealed the corroded-through male identity which is full of holes and very fragile. I wasn't aware of the rusting until I started paying attention to who I was and wanted/needed to be.

The final push from within which seems to have caused a collapse in my male identity and embracing of a more female one, was when I realised that everything that I am as male - I hate (except for being attracted to girls and having a high metabolism :p ).

These were the major stress points that acted as a hammer to the fragile piece of rusted metal that was and is my male identity:

I received shirts for my birthday instead of prettier items I wanted and realised that this would continue for the rest of my life unless I actively told people that I didn't want male clothes. The shirts symbolised what I feel is the crushing conformity of presenting as male and why it just isn't me. Nor is looking like a long-stringy haired bohemian guy or a short-haired effeminate looking guy who people might mistake as gay. Neither are me, and not the look I am going for.

I saw a video of myself taken by a friend, and how I look is completely different to how I feel I should look. I saw a gawky awkward looking thin yet well-toned man with receding hair wearing men's clothes that don't fit, developing horrible rough skin and ugly male fat distribution. It felt and feels humiliating just to look like an average but slim and fit 28 year old guy. It just feels very weird and sad, despite the fact that I'm actually in good condition for my age.

And finally, I realised that I feel angsty and angry when in relationships with straight women as they never let me be anything other than a plain, standard-issue male. And to play that part I also have the privilege of paying for their pretty things. I'm fed up with having to be the one to dole out the the attention, the money and the energy to relationships with women when in return they expect me to be content with a bit of half-hearted intimacy, some bland shirts, the odd cuddle and their assumptions that I'm a dumb male animal. I don't approach sex like a guy, I approach it like a woman my girlfriends have told me. This another aspect to me that just isn't like other guys.

So all in all, I realised that I'm labouring under a gender that A: I've never really understood or properly felt part of and B: doesn't work for me anyway.

That's when the penny dropped for me and I thought "Ohhhh bugger, this has never worked being a guy, so why are we still here as one..."

:p Just incase that all got a bit heavy.... here is a video of a baby chinchilla in a toy shopping trolley. Happy New-New Year's Eve!

the parent and the kids look like they got up pretty early in the morning to go shpping