Any advice on getting family to come around?

[Ltl89]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to ask our more experienced transitioners a few questions on how to improve familial issues.  In particular, I'm looking to learn about how you handled your mother, father, sisters and/or brothers.

- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation?  Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
-  If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?

I'm still having difficulties with my family and had a big fight with my family the day after Christmas.  My mother noticed I was wearing a bra and flipped out.  While I wasn't doing anything wrong, it led to a major fight and the words such as disappointing, odd and out there came flying out.  Then I was told I'm selfish and that Im putting everyone's life at risk, this was after I was told things like no one will like you, everyone will be against you (bringing up my past bullying problems as justification for why I should suppress my feelings).   When I came to my sister for some help, she eluded that she felt my mother was right and later on told me (in a very passionate angry way) that she doesn't want me to do this.  Apparently, there is nothing wrong with being trans or gay in her eyes, but as a Catholic she doesn't want it in her own family.  Then she said she would be there for me and try to support everything, but I'll always be just a gay guy to her.  Since then, my mother and I have made up, but it's still like a powder keg just waiting to be lit again (it was ended with her telling me she is going to fight this with everything she has). For those who know me, I'm really trying to work with my family and be understanding of their issues with my transition.  Everyone found out in June (I think) right before I started hormones and I've been going slowly with my transition to help everyone adjust.  Nonetheless, it's getting very tiresome and after all this time I would hope there would be some improvements.  As of now, my mother and one of my sisters are very against my transiton.  Even worse is the fact that we live together which causes emotions to flare up.   I really want to make this work and have been trying to fix our problems; however, whenever I move forward it comes barrelling back.  This causes problems because I really need to start making more progress.  The thing is they just get so emotional and aggressive that it's too much to handle.  Every time it happens, I start to feel like a terrible person and like some giant loser.  They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general.  So, I really want to do what I can to prevent this and make progress at home.  It's been improving to some degree because fighting isn't as frequent and there is no longer threats of kicking me out being made.  I really have faith it can work because I love my family and they are good people with huge hearts.  They are bound to be reached at some point.  I just don't know how to do it.  And please, don't make suggestions about me ending my relationship with them or leaving.  They truly are wonderful people and I love them very much.  They have to deal with a lot as well and I'm sure living with me hasn't always been easy.  Besides, I can't afford to leave and need every bit of help that I can get. Therefore, please be careful not to mention those two suggestions because I love my family dearly and can't leave.  Even if their words and opposition can hurt, they deserve respect and kindness.  Believe me, outside of my transition, you couldn't find a more loving and caring family. 

Thanks in advance to any advice or feedback!

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi learningtolive,

In short, there is basically nothing you can to to change or bring anyone round to accepting you. It's each individuals choice as to how they are going to accept or deny you.

There are certain things you can do to help them with though. Essentially it is setting up friends outside the family, who either accept or embrace your transition, that will help by talking to your family circle about ->-bleeped-<-. They would perhaps be the best provider of unbiased medical documented information.

Distancing yourself from them can also assist, but it may mean you moving out, which may or may not be possible.

This is a MAJOR change for most people to accept, let alone embrace. You may have been aware for your thoughts and feelings, so have had time to adjust to them. You family has only had a relatively short time to understand these major consequences.

Huggs
Catherine

[bethany]

Hugs LearningtoLive,

First off I'm sorry to hear that you and your family had a fight the day after Christmas.
Now as far as advice goes, you need to show them how that by transitioning will make you happy. That this is who you are.
Show them that this is the right path for you some how. I know that will be hard but family is worth fighting for.

Tell your family that you need their love and support and that having them telling you that transitioning is wrong is counter productive for all included.  Also point them to read Gender Identity and Our Faith Communities: A Congregational Guide for Transgender Advocacy found here.  http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/gender-identity-and-our-faith-communities-a-congregational-guide-for-transg  along with the pdf file that is linked on the page.  Actually you read it first to make sure its suitable for your family.

Good luck,
Bethany Dawn

[Sephirah]

I'm afraid I don't have much experience in dealing with families, as such. Other than one psychopathic and potentially homicidal brother, lol. But one thing in your post got my attention:

They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general.

Sweetie, that's the whole point of it. Such things also happen in a wider context too. It's always easier, when you want someone to not do something, to make them decide not to do it through undermining their confidence. Rather than telling them straight out that they cannot do it. If you can make someone believe it's best for them to not do something because they won't succeed at it, or they will have a hard time of it, or they look horrid, or whatever the case maybe... then your work is done. And you absolve yourself of any blame in the process.

These things they say to you, I would bet that they're not actually designed to hurt you. And come from a different place. But it's emotional manipulation. It's designed to make you question yourself and, ultimately, decide that transition isn't the best course of action for you.

Perhaps one way to get around that is to realise the purpose behind these things they say to you. To know that they are saying what they think will stop you, rather than because they don't love you or have feelings for you. Maybe this will stop when they see that this has no effect on you and you will carry on regardless.

[Heather]

I'm sorry your going through this but really their is nothing you can do to make them change their mind, that is something only they can do on their own. Just focus on your living your life and as bad as it sounds either they come around on their own or they won't.
And I will let you in on the sad reality of coming out to someone just because you have surgeries take hormones and look totally like a woman doesn't mean they think your a woman in their eyes. In most peoples eyes if you were born male you'll always be male to them and nothing you say or do will ever change that belief and with family this is especially true sure their is some people out there that are not that closed minded but they are not many of them. So just concentrate on your life and your happiness don't focus on making family accept you because sadly it's as pointless as a cat chasing it's tail.

[Rachel]

LTL Hugs, I am sorry they treat you this way.

They can only welcome you when they themselves accept the change. It sounds like they love you very much.

Remember this is their issue to accept not yours.

Be yourself and when they see it is really you and happy they will either accept and welcome you or not.

[mountainhun]

While I'm having trouble educating my dad, he's generally accepted as well as he can, and doesn't really say anything to try to dissuade me, yet, other than pointing out the dangers and troubles that could lie ahead (which he does about everything else already).  Then again, I am living more than 100 miles away, so it's harder for it to be in his face about how much I've changed, even without HRT.

And that's really the best way to educate family and close ones, I think.  There are stories about people who were previously anti-LGBT, until they discovered their children were 'different'.  Then they have an example, right in front of their eyes, that all their negative stereotypes don't really apply. 

So, in the words of a misheard Lynyrd Skynyrd lyric, "and be a symbol."  You are your parent's only link to the LGBT community, and while it's not fair to work harder and beyond a cisgendered person to be accepted or proven, if you go up and beyond the call of duty and prove yourself the exemplary human being you are, the more they will see that transgendered people as good, worthwhile folk. When they see that the label they have placed on you is not a bad one, when they accept it, then I think they will accept you, too.

[Anna++]

The advice one of my gay friends gave me was that you just have to wait it out.  It took his parents a few years to realize that the things they said had hurt him, and it may take a while for our parents to come around too.  Like others have said, it's not an issue you can force.

[Joanna Dark]

well you are unwilling to hear any advice that would help the situation, per your post. It's not CAN't leave. It's won't. Don't tell me about rents and poorer then you and live in philly. You have to take more drstic measures. Or just ignore them or tell them to shut the eff up. As long as you are willing to play doormat, they are going to walk all over you. Sorry you have been saying this since you thought ur mom would embrce you and nothing has changed. It's time for a different course of action. Otherwise, it's more of the same.

[Joanna Dark]

well you are unwilling to hear any advice that would help the situation, per your post. It's not CAN't leave. It's won't. Don't tell me about rents and poorer then you and live in philly. You have to take more drstic measures. Or just ignore them or tell them to shut the eff up. As long as you are willing to play doormat, they are going to walk all over you. Sorry you have been saying this since you thought ur mom would embrce you and nothing has changed. It's time for a different course of action. Otherwise, it's more of the same. Btw, I had similar problems and I left so I know what I'm talking bout.

[LJP]

"doesn't want it in her own family". I think this sums it up most of the time. I have one person to come out to , my mother. She has all ways been supportive of me in everything I do. For some reason she has no sympathy for trans/gay persons. She seems to actually have even less for trans persons. After a heated discussion at Christmas she remarked being transgender is "disgusting" and "she is so happy I'm normal". My reply was I'm not normal. Her claim is also it contradicts her religion, but truthfully it's ignorance and fear. I wish you the best and hopefully your family will come around and show you the love you have shown them.

[stephaniec]

Sorry  your going through this. Both my parents have passed and I don't talk to siblings so I don't deal with problems like this. I wish you luck though.

[Katie]

Do what you have to do and don't ask for permission, or acceptance. Doing so shows weakness that others can and will probably use against you. It also paints a picture of someone that is not 100% committed to a goal.

I reiterate do what you have to do and don't ask for anything!

Katie

[kathyk]

Please don't dislike me for saying what needs to be said in these paragraphs.

You can try to help them understand, but there really is noting more you can do if they don't or can't accept you and your transition.  Just tell them you love them, and let them go because the more you try to adjust your life to placate them the less you are as a person.  Remember, they've got their own beliefs and feelings, and they may never see the true and authentic person you have to be, or that you will become. 

You know I've had the same problem with my sons, two of my brothers, and almost all my cousins or distant relatives.  Even though it means loosing them, I finally had to let them think and feel what they wanted without my concern.  That meant not changing what I had to do, or setting aside my needs to fix their problems.  I don't argue with them, and if they can't accept me it's their problem now, not mine.  And I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you'll have to do the same.  Taking this step may seem irrational, misguided, and coldly selfish, but it opens the door to your own self worth.  It'll hurt, you're going to cry about it, and you'll think about them from time to time with wishes of having them back in your life.  But they may never come back to you.

In varying degrees our family members have contact with us.  And a few of us are very lucky to have wonderfully open and loving families that grace us with open arms.  But for most (including me) that not always the case, and the outcome for those family members who reject our transition has almost always been an empty separation. 

In transition there's chains holding us back.  But we all eventually find ways of breaking them, and we escape the self imposed prison that holds us.   

Hug hun. 
K

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Nobody wants to abandon their family , and I wouldnt suggest that you do it...

How long does your family know? it took almost 8 months for my mom to accept it , my brother was mad about it but he just doesnt seem to give a f*** now,still mad but doesnt care...

Sooo I think it would help if you made clear to your family how much you suffer and how much you need transition and also aducating them on some matters too , keep doing that and give them some time...

[Emo]

im probably going to go through the same thing because my parents are vehemently against lgbt.
so im probably going to amanda bynes it and cover it up like she did in shes the man. lol.

if your insistant in getting you family to come around why not getting them used to it little by little.
like wearing a little bit of make up at first then progressing through different clothing.
idk. just an idea. :p

[stephaniec]

I said I don't have answers for situations like this because I don't deal with these things ,but I will say I wish people would stop using Christ's teachings of love as a justification of bigotry. I'm catholic went to catholic grade school, catholic high school 3 catholic colleges and I happen to be transgender. So why do family's use gods love to prove their bigotry is right, sorry for the rant.

[Emo]

I said I don't have answers for situations like this because I don't deal with these things ,but I will say I wish people would stop using Christ's teachings of love as a justification of bigotry. I'm catholic went to catholic grade school, catholic high school 3 catholic colleges and I happen to be transgender. So why do family's use gods love to prove their bigotry is right, sorry for the rant.

because they dont understand Gods love in their own lives.
its not anger or hate. its hope and grace in your time of need.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I have no advice, in fact I often feel a sort of weird permutation of survivor guilt over the fact my family accepted it without pain or hassle.

If my family were to act as yours has, well I likely would have gotten dreadfully depressed and potentially self destructive.

But I would have ditched them all the same. I do NOT surround myself with disapproving, disappointing, unaccepting, mean spirited people. I don't care if they are the reason I am here or not. People need to stop pretending the term 'family' is a magical permission to do things you would not accept from strangers.

It's not acceptable ever, and that includes people pretending they love you. And as I see it their 'love' seems inadequate.

[Just Shelly]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to ask our more experienced transitioners a few questions on how to improve familial issues.  In particular, I'm looking to learn about how you handled your mother, father, sisters and/or brothers.

- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation?  Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
-  If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?

I'm still having difficulties with my family and had a big fight with my family the day after Christmas.  My mother noticed I was wearing a bra and flipped out.  While I wasn't doing anything wrong, it led to a major fight and the words such as disappointing, odd and out there came flying out.  Then I was told I'm selfish and that Im putting everyone's life at risk, this was after I was told things like no one will like you, everyone will be against you (bringing up my past bullying problems as justification for why I should suppress my feelings).   When I came to my sister for some help, she eluded that she felt my mother was right and later on told me (in a very passionate angry way) that she doesn't want me to do this.  Apparently, there is nothing wrong with being trans or gay in her eyes, but as a Catholic she doesn't want it in her own family.  Then she said she would be there for me and try to support everything, but I'll always be just a gay guy to her.  Since then, my mother and I have made up, but it's still like a powder keg just waiting to be lit again (it was ended with her telling me she is going to fight this with everything she has). For those who know me, I'm really trying to work with my family and be understanding of their issues with my transition.  Everyone found out in June (I think) right before I started hormones and I've been going slowly with my transition to help everyone adjust.  Nonetheless, it's getting very tiresome and after all this time I would hope there would be some improvements.  As of now, my mother and one of my sisters are very against my transiton.  Even worse is the fact that we live together which causes emotions to flare up.   I really want to make this work and have been trying to fix our problems; however, whenever I move forward it comes barrelling back.  This causes problems because I really need to start making more progress.  The thing is they just get so emotional and aggressive that it's too much to handle.  Every time it happens, I start to feel like a terrible person and like some giant loser.  They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general.  So, I really want to do what I can to prevent this and make progress at home.  It's been improving to some degree because fighting isn't as frequent and there is no longer threats of kicking me out being made.  I really have faith it can work because I love my family and they are good people with huge hearts.  They are bound to be reached at some point.  I just don't know how to do it.  And please, don't make suggestions about me ending my relationship with them or leaving.  They truly are wonderful people and I love them very much.  They have to deal with a lot as well and I'm sure living with me hasn't always been easy.  Besides, I can't afford to leave and need every bit of help that I can get. Therefore, please be careful not to mention those two suggestions because I love my family dearly and can't leave.  Even if their words and opposition can hurt, they deserve respect and kindness.  Believe me, outside of my transition, you couldn't find a more loving and caring family. 

Thanks in advance to any advice or feedback!

LTL I do not know you personally but from what I read on this forum I have always felt that you were a very compassionate, caring, honest and thoughtful person. I feel I could say the same about myself. Just remember no one can change that!

Even though these are good traits to have they also can work against us...at some point in our lives we do have to put ourselves first....or not transition!!

I have similar experience with my children, even though they have accepted me the best they know how. I have always put my children first, I struggled with transitioning since it meant I was not putting their needs first but mine. The guilt was overwhelming at first....and at times is still there. This was one of the reasons I took things very slow. Did I want to...hell no!! I'm old, I was steps away from transitioning at 25...I now have decided to follow through.....but I now had others to consider. The others really being only my children.

I always tried to compare my situation with other trans that had wives or like you significant caring family menbers. I feel empathy for any of the individuals that must go through transition with us....but for the children....they have no choice!! A child will love their parent no matter what....good or bad....ugly or pretty....gay or not....and even trans. This may seem to make things easier but also brings more guilt in not knowing how your children truly feel about you.

I always tell anyone in my position that going slow will help others adjust more easier. I'm not sure this is the case for you, I think either way will eventually have the same results. Both ways your family will come to love the new person you have become and the same one you always have been.

I will say that Catholics are more astute to following the practices held for years and because of this their fear of things they feel are unaccepting to God turns into hate. A good example of this is the guy from the Duck dynasty show. An even better example of how we should love all and help all is from the new Pope St. Francis!!! God is working in this person!!! I hope Catholics are listening to this man!!

I will say the one thing that has hampered me all my life is the fact I am not an assertive person. My last therapist and I were really trying to work on this.....I have become better with her help but still have a ways to go. A good therapist will help focus on other issues in your life that may stem from being trans or all the other issues everyone in life has!! I just wish she didn't move away....I could still use her very much. Oh, and she was a social worker not a psychologist....I highly recommend this type of professional. Best therapist ever!!!

I have been legally a women and out to those close to me for almost 3 years now. The family members I spoke with then I still do now....the ones I didn't remain the same....maybe worse because of who I am now. The 4 that mean the most to me are still there....my sister and children. there's still a long ways to go. My children are getting older....will marry...have children....what then. My sister and I are close but still not as close as I would like....some of this may be because she still doesn't understand....some is probably cause she just doesn't have the time.

There are also other issues now affecting me and my future with my children....and that is dating! I have recently had an experience with a man that I though liked me for who I am and not just for sex. This has brought me much pain since I am not sure who is worse....me for not telling him why we can't have sex....or him for demanding to know why we can't and determining our relationship based on sex!! I have given myself more heartache then I had before.

If anyone tells you that transitioning is easy, their full of ->-bleeped-<-!!! I'm sorry but if changing your gender is as easy as changing your job....then you must feel differently of life than I. For myself being stealth almost 100% does bring with it more or less issues...but being out will also bring with it as much as well. I wish I knew what was the best way of doing things. Doing it one way means your trans to most....doing it the other way means hiding certain aspects of your life....some that you are very proud of.

I wish I could help you more There is nothing you can do to get them on your side and you shouldn't!! There is no side to take....if they love you, which they do!! They will eventually see that you are not doing this to harm them or you. This isn't about them its about you!!

Please take care! and know that tomorrow will be a better day!! I can relate to that many times....since last night was one of those days where I didn't want tomorrow to come, but I knew it had to be better.....and here I am finding out that I am needed....someone that is struggling like I am could use my help. I thank you!! for letting me help you in any little way that I can.