Hi Ollyjay,
Sounds like heavy times, indeed. And very confusing, yes. Needless to say I've experienced the same internal feelings and actions like purging, that you have. It used to surprise me just how many of us have had that "OK, lets get rid of all the girly stuff, date some chicks, and become a real man, yeeeahhhh!" bullsh*t. Its interesting just how much that approach just doesn't seem to work at all. And it usually explodes in the face of the person experiencing it.
I will say that up until the point of acceptance, it was a constant battle to destroy my femininity and ignore it. The final time I tried to kill off my femininity with a monster clothing and mental purge, I lasted for 6 months before it blew up in my face, and I had to dress up again. But once I'd accepted it, it started quietly assimilating itself into my "normal" life, so that its increasingly becoming an easier to manage and enjoy part of me. There's faaaaar less shame and guilt now, and most of my issues with being transgener are mainly down to practical considerations and the occasional hang-ups from society. So ti does get better and easier. That is I guess until one starts HRT and then that's a whole other level. The boss level of being transgender, perhaps.
Definitely therapy with a decent gender therapist is the way to go. Writing down as much information as you can about how you feel, and how these feelings have progressed is also a very good idea. It can help with identifying triggers and the life experiences that may contribute to these feelings. As soon as I started identifying milestones, discoveries and realisations, I managed to build up a picture of how this had started and progressed, and therefore where it possibly might lead. I've now forwarded all this information (in the form of a 25 page report) to the NHS gender therapists I'm being seen by.
So, good luck felling the demons!
