At this moment in time male at the age of 29 I have no idea what I am. I have now been single for the best part of 4 years with no sex in between and I believe I'm straight. I am attracted to woman but I also envy them and i do feel jealous of them.
  Brining you up to speed I have been dressing up as a girl since I was about 18-19 and despite being in a perfectly good relationship at the time this all started the reasons for me doing this were unclear. My relationship ended after 5 years and then things got out of hand. I would rather stay home and dress up as a girl then go out and socialise and this has been the norm for me now till present date. What's confusing for me is the reasons why I cross dress. I would be lying if I said I didn't get aroused by dressing up but this seems to happen more if I've only got a short time to be who I believe I want to be. On the other hand if I have an empty house for a week I would book the time off work to live as girl and it's during these times I don't feel excitement but a inner peace. I have owned everything I can to look as close to a girl as possible , so it's not just clothes, the more feminine I look the happier I am.
The battles I have with who I am reached a climax a short while ago. I tried to bury the female side of me by throwing away everything feminine that I owned. I tried to tell myself that I'm a guy and to try and be more masculine, as soon as the bin men took away the rubbish it instantly felt like a piece of me had just died and the time in which I can become a girl again can't come soon enough. I do t have many friends and the ones I have are male but I only see them a few times a year and I find it easier talking to female work colleagues than male but have no interest in Pursuing a relationship .

Hi baby! Throwing everything away is called "purging". We have all done it one time or another. Most believe, as I do, it was a feeling of guilt over who we are and the Demon was always with us, until, we recognized our true selves and lost the guilt placed on us by societies version of "normal". I know the struggle going on inside you right this minute. I found peace from it by accepting who I am, getting a therapist and starting the transition process. I don't want to scare you, but these feelings you have will only get worse as time goes by. I hope you look deep inside yourself and find your true self. If that leads to transition, OK, if not, OK as well. Just do not let the views of others affect who you are or need to be. You will find so much information here on every question you have. If not, ask. That is what we are all here for, support and information. Good luck girl. 

Thanks for the reply , I think theropy is going to be the sensible route to go down but how do I set about this, do I need to go through my gp

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 02, 2014, 04:31:52 PM
Hi baby! Throwing everything away is called "purging". We have all done it one time or another. Most believe, as I do, it was a feeling of guilt over who we are and the Demon was always with us, until, we recognized our true selves and lost the guilt placed on us by societies version of "normal". I know the struggle going on inside you right this minute. I found peace from it by accepting who I am, getting a therapist and starting the transition process. I don't want to scare you, but these feelings you have will only get worse as time goes by. I hope you look deep inside yourself and find your true self. If that leads to transition, OK, if not, OK as well. Just do not let the views of others affect who you are or need to be. You will find so much information here on every question you have. If not, ask. That is what we are all here for, support and information. Good luck girl. 

*hug* As always, spot on advice from Jessica...

Quote from: Ollyjay on January 02, 2014, 04:53:32 PM
Thanks for the reply , I think theropy is going to be the sensible route to go down but how do I set about this, do I need to go through my gp

This depends on the country you are in and what kind of healthcare you have.  A GP would be a good place to start, but many have no idea what to do with transgender people.  I would recommend googling for a Gender Therapist in your area, and giving one (or several) a call until you find an office that will help you figure out which route to go.  In the US, where such treatments are not often covered by health insurance anyway, generally we can just call and set up an appointment.  The first one is usually free, a get-to-know-you session.

*hug*  Much luck and happiness to you!

Those demons sure can be powerful, right Robin?

I'm purging for a final time and giving my things away at a local cd/tg support group meeting in early March.  I've had no desire to crossdress since a couple of months into HRT.  I followed HRT religiously for 6 months.  It wasn't until recently that I had the mindset where I had no urges, no desires.  I'm not aroused by anything and have no desire to crossdress or, for that matter, further pursue transitioning. 

I have no idea why this is?  Could the HRT have that type of effect to where my gender dysphoria has subsided and am not taking any course of action?  I feel that I'm such a complex person.  Wait until the therapist hears about this when I see her this weekend?

In my personal experience, yes HRT will greatly diminish the sex drive. Your Dysphoria is not gone, it is just HRT doing what it is supposed to do. It will come back if you stop HRT, with a vengeance! Please see your therapist before you stop or purge. Girls, if I am wrong about this please, sound off. 

I used to consider that thing I suppressed for most of my life, that "whole woman thing" that never went away, a demon.  I tried to chase it away with alcohol, drugs, food, shame, guilt and overcompensation.  Then those coping mechanisms became the REAL demons.

Being transgender was not really a demon at all.  I just have a female brain that wasn't getting the right hormones.  Stopping trying to fight it finally gave me the inner peace I never had.  I take estrogen and am finally loving life.

I can only agree with this fine trio of sisters who have given succinctly sound advice.  The spectrum of comfort and the level of interest in cross dressing or transition is not a reliable measure of who we are and I hope Ollyjay will find some more supportive counseling.  Glad to hear Karahayes that you are seeing your therapist soon.  People do reach plateaus and a lack of desire seems a common but not permanent occurrence.  You may want those clothes again? 

We don't have to know our destination to pursue happiness as who we are.  Jill is so right on about the real demons that need our demon slayers.

Quote from: Ollyjay on January 02, 2014, 04:12:59 PM
At this moment in time male at the age of 29 I have no idea what I am. I have now been single for the best part of 4 years with no sex in between and I believe I'm straight. I am attracted to woman but I also envy them and i do feel jealous of them.
  Brining you up to speed I have been dressing up as a girl since I was about 18-19 and despite being in a perfectly good relationship at the time this all started the reasons for me doing this were unclear. My relationship ended after 5 years and then things got out of hand. I would rather stay home and dress up as a girl then go out and socialise and this has been the norm for me now till present date. What's confusing for me is the reasons why I cross dress. I would be lying if I said I didn't get aroused by dressing up but this seems to happen more if I've only got a short time to be who I believe I want to be. On the other hand if I have an empty house for a week I would book the time off work to live as girl and it's during these times I don't feel excitement but a inner peace. I have owned everything I can to look as close to a girl as possible , so it's not just clothes, the more feminine I look the happier I am.
The battles I have with who I am reached a climax a short while ago. I tried to bury the female side of me by throwing away everything feminine that I owned. I tried to tell myself that I'm a guy and to try and be more masculine, as soon as the bin men took away the rubbish it instantly felt like a piece of me had just died and the time in which I can become a girl again can't come soon enough. I don't have many friends and the ones I have are male but I only see them a few times a year and I find it easier talking to female work colleagues than male but have no interest in Pursuing a relationship .

I've been there as well. This entire post rings so true with my life. I always found such inner peace with myself when I am dressed as a woman. {One of my early therapist called me delusional for that.} And like yourself I never got aroused by dressing but it just made me happy and like yourself it allowed me to be who I really wanted to be. And then afterwards that guilty feeling would come over me and I found myself purging. And then a week or so later I was right back buying the same things. It just got to a point where I gave into the inevitable and decided that this is a part of my life and there was no denying it, and that was when I came to the conclusion that I was a transsexual.

Quote from: Jill F on January 02, 2014, 07:43:39 PM
I used to consider that thing I suppressed for most of my life, that "whole woman thing" that never went away, a demon.  I tried to chase it away with alcohol, drugs, food, shame, guilt and overcompensation.  Then those coping mechanisms became the REAL demons.

Being transgender was not really a demon at all.  I just have a female brain that wasn't getting the right hormones.  Stopping trying to fight it finally gave me the inner peace I never had.  I take estrogen and am finally loving life.

That!

Online therapists are also an option.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 02, 2014, 05:49:31 PM
Those demons sure can be powerful, right Robin?

Indeed they can... <3

Hi Ollyjay,

Sounds like heavy times, indeed. And very confusing, yes. Needless to say I've experienced the same internal feelings and actions like purging, that you have. It used to surprise me just how many of us have had that "OK, lets get rid of all the girly stuff, date some chicks, and become a real man, yeeeahhhh!" bullsh*t. Its interesting just how much that approach just doesn't seem to work at all. And it usually explodes in the face of the person experiencing it.

I will say that up until the point of acceptance, it was a constant battle to destroy my femininity and ignore it. The final time I tried to kill off my femininity with a monster clothing and mental purge, I lasted for 6 months before it blew up in my face, and I had to dress up again. But once I'd accepted it, it started quietly assimilating itself into my "normal" life, so that its increasingly becoming an easier to manage and enjoy part of me. There's faaaaar less shame and guilt now, and most of my issues with being transgener are mainly down to practical considerations and the occasional hang-ups from society. So ti does get better and easier. That is I guess until one starts HRT and then that's a whole other level. The boss level of being transgender, perhaps. 

Definitely therapy with a decent gender therapist is the way to go. Writing down as much information as you can about how you feel, and how these feelings have progressed is also a very good idea. It can help with identifying triggers and the life experiences that may contribute to these feelings. As soon as I started identifying milestones, discoveries and realisations, I managed to build up a picture of how this had started and progressed, and therefore where it possibly might lead. I've now forwarded all this information (in the form of a 25 page report) to the NHS gender therapists I'm being seen by.

So, good luck felling the demons!