This is a thread I have been considering making for a very long time, but never did because I wasn't sure if it would help anyone. But now I feel this needs to be said, as I want to warn others from my experiences. This is going to sound like a pity party, but I want people to realize that while transition has costs, so does NOT transitioning.
TL;DR if you know you are trans and that transition is right for you, and you delay or for anyone or anything else, you'll probably be sorry later. I wish I had sacked up and not given a crap what others think.
I personally was set to transition in 2009, T letter in hand, but I delayed hormones for 3 years because my family said I'd have to leave home if I started hormones. I had just won scholarships, and was doing well in uni, and if I left home I'd have to work full-time and kiss my scholarships goodbye (you have to maintain a full courseload and work a set number of hours to keep them). I chose my education - I wanted the opportunities it had to offer, to take advantage of the scholarships I earned. But I also wanted to show the world that I was the "strong one." The "rational one" who could hold off on transition for more practical gains. The one who could gain his family's love and approval, because until then, I musn't have been good enough at convincing them I was worthy of transition.
I wish I had known how much of my life delaying transition would ruin. In those 3 short years, I became bitter, cynical, and angry. I was with a woman who loved me as a man, and really, truly understood how hard transition was on me and always had my back. But when I got depressed over the delay, I couldn't give her what she needed. I remember that a bit after our breakup she said "you used to be the person who could make me feel a great feeling that no one else could give me. Now, you make me feel horrible things that no one else can make me feel."
I let my health go completely. I just stopped caring because I wasn't dealing with my body issues (a.k.a. becoming the man I am and staying a girl). I'm always tired, I'm weak, my cholesterol is high, and it's going to take a lot of effort to reverse those things.
I think the thing I've lost the most by not transitioning is my confidence. How many times did I have to shut my mouth, sell myself short, and deny the truth to keep the peace? How many times did I feel embarrassed when I told people I was trans but couldn't explain why years had passed and nothing was happening? Those things wear down on you. Cowering in fear of others, in time, will wear you down, even if the short-term rewards are there.
I realize some people truly are not safe and can't transition. But I implore all of you who want to transition but are scared to really question why. Is it truly something beyond your control, something that seriously compromises your safety, or are these things you could overcome if you made the appropriate choices and sacrifices?
I hate thinking that others will feel this way because they want to wait until their family understands. Because they want to wait until they're in the "right" group of people, until they can start "fresh", whatever. Sometimes the barriers are real, sometimes they are in our head, and the ones in our head don't matter. If I could do it over, I'd turn down the scholarships, move out, work full time and take longer to complete my degree. No question. The money wasn't worth it. I waited for approval that wouldn't come until they saw I had sacked up and asserted that I was in fact a man, and that this transition was MY choice, not theirs.
If this helps even one person, I'll be a very happy man.
