Hello everyone, I have just become a new member here in the forum, I am almost 22 years old now and wanted to tell a little about me.
(Before I start, i apologize for my bad english, almost all that i learned was by my self)
Sooo.. I was born as a boy, but that can't describe me at all. In my childhood i did never care of what was my gender or how I must to act to be a boy, I just did whatever a felt confortable with.
After, in my adolescence, fom 11 to 16 i think, when the guy hormones naturaly came up, like the other boys, I did find me attracted to girls (like I always did in some way), but I wondered soo much how it was to be a girl. I dressed up my mom clothes in bathroom so many times. I liked to act soft and girly but at the same time I did all that was possible to avoid been seen this way in public, (be seen as a gay was a complete shame and a reason for bullying for all the guys in my school
), but sometimes a did go to school with panties under my clothes
. At that time I researched a lot about this things that I was feeling but did not find something usefull (May be something about the existence of feminine hormones).
In video games, I always liked to play as the girls characters or the cutest figures like Tails in Sonic Games. This preference continued till now like Ramona in Scott Pilgrin Game Series. I never liked the masculine ones, I really see they somewhat disgusting, not a thing that I wanted to become.
I remember that im my puberty I always desired that I did not develop male secondary aspects like much facial or body hair. I had luck to have far less than my male friends. In relationships, I almost always liked to be friend of everyone, but more of girls, you know, that kind of guy that you would look and say "Hey, he is her gay friend". And no, I haven't much luck with girlfriends, I had one in my entire life, and did fall in love with some.
One thing a bit odd for me is that in 90% of my dreams, since that time till now, I am a girl. Few times it's sexual oriented, but most of then are simply girly where my body a girl body or become a girl body, or I just am a girl without a reason. In various days when i did go to bed, I imagined that one day when I slept something would come transforming me and I would Wake up with a girl body. Wow that was so confortable to me. (In some I was taking care of boys as a girlfriend. What's still weird for me because I don't feel atractive by guys anyway)
During all my life i tryed to get out this feelings of me (That I wanted so much to be a girl/woman), denying and all that stuff, but it always came back even when I think that they had gone away. I wonder to feel the sensation of wear a dress, a pump shoes or a make up (I think you know how that is
).
Now, i am finishing the college and in the last two years my "girly" desires has become so strong to keep it in closed. Then I searched and discovered much things about the mtf world, include this forum. I found for psychologist help and did my first encounter, and will start my encounters soon.
Ohh well, basicaly this things are that stop me to try a transition to woman:
_ I fear not be a passable girl. I just want to look like a girl in all aspects, not a boy in a dress.
_ My family is far religious, and a transgerder would be a sin against the bible, and my parents will see me as a sinner that deserves hell.
_ My friendship circles are based in church persons who will not acept me as a girl.
_ I afraid to not find a girl who would love me as I am. I am very emotive, by de way.
_ The health problems that hormones can bring to me.
As you can see, I am a bit confused right now
, I decided to finaly write this post after a dream last night where I was a beauty princess in a long pink dress that was going back to home to assume her kingdom, pretty much like the one in the Tangled Disney movie that I watched few days ago
and I probably can say that I have NEVER felt better than in that dream.
In the end, it's like I am a girl inside of me, that can't see the light of the day.
Sorry for take you time.
