My dysphoria hotspot...

[Ms Grace]

I don't really consider myself overly dysphoric about anything much, certainly my (real) hair is nowhere near as lovely, lush and long as I'd like and I really wish my beard was gone yesterday. But that's the extent of body related gender dissonance anyway.

However, I realised the other day there's a very specific thing about still presenting as male that's really disturbing to me... so much so I feel panic, despair, disgust, anger and a whole bunch of other things all crammed into one when I think about it possibly coming to pass. So I guess that is my dysphoria... rolled into a tiny little ball of something extremely unpleasant. I feel kind of silly about it, but it's a big deal to me - I'm clearly going to have to discuss it more with my shrink!

Simply put it is a communal loo/toilet/bathroom issue. But not all of them... I actually feel OK about having to go to the Mens when I'm out in public presenting as male, I'd really rather not but if I have no choice (and given my bladder is apparently the size of a walnut it is common that I don't have a choice) then I will use the Mens, as quickly as possible. No, it's not any ol' loo/toilet/bathroom full of strangers all pissing up against the wall... but the work/office loos? That's a different matter. To be more precise, it's the ones we'll have at the new offices we're likely to be moving to in April. Currently our work loos are (mostly) unisex... they're all single stall/single user anyway so it makes no difference. But at the new office there will be Male & Female toilets - it sounds dumb I know but the thought of having to use the Men's fills me with so much despair and dread I just can't think rationally or straight about it, let alone understand why I feel that way about it. Given that I hadn't anticipated going full time until late May/early June that could potentially leave feeling me in a real bind... except we will apparently also have a uni-sex loo for people in wheelchairs so I've reasoned I can at least use that one instead of the Mens. So much relief at that thought, you have no idea!

So yeah... believe it or not, that's my dysphoria hotspot... of all the things to be phobic and fixated on! I can only guess that maybe I feel this way because I so strongly identify with the other women at work, being required to use the male loo is tantamount to being told "doesn't matter how much you identify with us, you're still a 'guy'". I feel kind of nuts for even typing that (...not sure yet if I'm going to hit the post button...)

(...apparently I did...!)

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Grace, first ( )! I am so glad I don't have that issue being retired. Don't feel nuts though, we all have weird triggers.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs Grace.

Don't know if this would work. Ignore it if you don't think so.

Can you feel in yourself, the souls of the strong women that came before us? The battlefield nurses, the inner city teachers, the loving mothers who need to deal with all manner of filth and unpleasantness while bringing up children? Can you feel their souls within you, and see yourself as one in a long line of women who are forced to endure adversity and relied upon their feminine spirit to get them through.

Yes, using a men's room is gross (though I'll have to say that women's rooms aren't a whole lot better). We don't belong there. That's one of the things that makes us women.

But another thing that makes us women is the ability to soldier on in the face of adversity, to walk into that room in touch with your women's ability to handle adverse situations.

Don't know if this helps, but it's what I got.

[Emmaline]

Oh Grace I know what you mean... for me it is just a mild sense of unfairness.  Men... Women... AND...  AND???  Where is the other options?  Grrrrr.  I am not disabled!  What if someone in a wheelchair needs this loo?  GRRRR!!!

But think about the end of the rainbow.  One day, my girl... you are going to walk through that girl's door.  You, unlike the majority of girls, earned that right through many, many hours of hard work, pain, suffering and therapy.  On effort alone, that door is YOURS.  Maybe not now, but soon, and for the rest of your life. 

I imagine one day, infact, you will be bitching about the queue to the ladies and envy the blokes sailing into the gents.  I personally cannot wait to get out of the male-scent.  Even pre HRT, guys smell funny to me, and I just cannot hold my breath that long.

[stephaniec]

It use to not bother much other than going in this one at the train station with quite a line of wall urinals. Lately though since being on HRT and reading a story of a visually handicap transitioner , I think it was on this site, I'm more aware of the doors I go in waiting for some one to tell me I'm entering the wrong door if it's marked male.

[amber1964]

Not weird at all. But maybe your mind is trying to tell you something. Living a dual life, I only did it for a short time and it made me completely crazy.

Of all the things that are wrong with my body the one that makes me completely mental is my ears.

[mountainhun]

Spoke to me in so many ways. Even before I was transitioning, I hated going to the men's bathroom, or needing to change my clothes in front of other guys or anything like that.  I need to be absolutely alone, or I find it really difficult.  So it's not that weird at all!

[Tanya W]

Oh Grace I know what you mean... for me it is just a mild sense of unfairness.  Men... Women... AND...  AND???  Where is the other options?

Absolutely no need to feel silly about this!

I know I was always slightly/unconsciously uncomfortable about using men's washrooms. Then several years ago, I was visiting a place for work for a month. Without thinking about it, I used the washroom nearest my office during this span. It was a single use facility, which I thought a bit odd. But it was nearby, so what the heck. Days before the end of my tenure, I discovered this was the building's sole trans washroom. A light went on. I realized how comfortable I'd felt using this. And ever since, don't you know it, the whole 'Mens' / 'Womens' situation has been a real conscious edge for me.

So no need to feel silly at all!

[amber1964]

My memory just kicked in. My entire life I dislike using urinals and if they were busy I always used a stall to pee. Once I started hormones I stopped using urinals altogether. I suddenly felt uncomfortable with people seing that thing.

[Jill F]

My memory just kicked in. My entire life I dislike using urinals and if they were busy I always used a stall to pee. Once I started hormones I stopped using urinals altogether. I suddenly felt uncomfortable with people seing that thing.

Amen.

I always hated having the junk on display, whether in locker rooms, bathrooms, and sometimes even in the bedroom.  And I apparently have nothing to be ashamed of in the size department.

The worst was open trough style urinals, like at Dodger Stadium (a.k.a. Chavez Latrine), where there's no privacy at all and drunks end up peeing all over the floor.  By the 7th inning stretch you're just wading in it.  Eww!!!

On a side note about urinals, why is it that too many of them are so perfectly parabolic that no matter which angle you hit them at, the backsplash always comes right back at you?  Thankfully, it's been almost a year since I've had to set foot in a mens' room.

[Adam (birkin)]

Amen.

I always hated having the junk on display, whether in locker rooms, bathrooms, and sometimes even in the bedroom.  And I apparently have nothing to be ashamed of in the size department.

The worst was open trough style urinals, like at Dodger Stadium (a.k.a. Chavez Latrine), where there's no privacy at all and drunks end up peeing all over the floor.  By the 7th inning stretch you're just wading in it.  Eww!!!

On a side note about urinals, why is it that too many of them are so perfectly parabolic that no matter which angle you hit them at, the backsplash always comes right back at you?  Thankfully, it's been almost a year since I've had to set foot in a mens' room.

Oh man lol that is so nasty. I've only been in relatively clean bathrooms so far.

FWIW Grace I'm a guy and I even hate men's bathrooms, because it's weird seeing guys at the urinals or whatever...and I can't even fathom entering a changeroom even if my body was passable as male because of the fact I'd see penises...so I imagine that for you, as a woman, it just adds an extra layer of unpleasantness. Don't worry though. Soon enough you'll be entirely out and can use the women's and you'll never have to worry about it again!

[Emmaline]

+1 on the whole change rooms/urinals thing.  I could never understand it- I had perfectly acceptable junk.  Just could not be comfortable.

[Ms Grace]

Thanks everyone for your replies, support and suggestions.

I guess for me it's not the loo/toilet/washroom that's the specifically the issue, although I'll grant you that many of them are rather putrid. For me it's more about the gender segregation, even as a kid it used to get me worked up. To this day one of my recurring dream themes is finding myself in a gigantic changing, shower, loo area...I try with varying degrees of success to find somewhere as far away from any groups of guys who might be using it so I can shower or change in private. Had one just the other night! Having to be segregated with other men, just because of my birth designation...I don't like it one bit!

[Tanya W]

For me it's more about the gender segregation, even as a kid it used to get me worked up.

And a big 'Amen' to this!

[Emmaline]

Art school had unisex toilets with stalls.  Freaking awesome.  Plus the graffiti was high brow.

[Adam (birkin)]

Art school had unisex toilets with stalls.  Freaking awesome.  Plus the graffiti was high brow.

High brow graffiti in a bathroom? I'm more impressed by that than by the unisex toilets lol.

[Emmaline]

Mind you, comments on Prousts ideology are all good and well, but sometimes you just need a badly drawn dick to get you through.

[Ms Grace]

...but sometimes you just need a badly drawn dick to get you through.

Is there any other kind??

[Emmaline]

What if they are really good drawings of bad dicks?

Have you noticed how mtf threads derail so quickly?

[LordKAT]

What if they are really good drawings of bad dicks?

Have you noticed how mtf threads derail so quickly?

I could say something to that , but I think I will take the safer route.