Aww, I'm sorry you went through that Shantel. Nonethless, this is a great topic.
Yes, I was pressured to be a "man" by family and peers. Like you, I was bullied pretty harshly for being different than the other kids. Most of my friends in Kindergarten and 1st grade were girls. It wasn't until the boys confronted me about cooties and how it was effecting my behaviour that I stopped doing so. In fact, I really became a shy kid and had difficulty expressing myself, though I did have friends and enjoyed doing typical girl and boy stuff. However, I was always seen as different and was bullied at times for this reason which made me shy and scared some of the other kids. Later on in my life (teenage years), I was bullied for being "gay" (even though I wasn't out as such). I remember really vicious things happening like having my face pushed into a urinal and just really nasty rumors (like grabbing a male classmates ass) and words and nicknames going towards my way. The one that hurt the most, though, was one time after work I went into my car someone had wrote "->-bleeped-<-got" on my foggy windshield. It was very hurtful and it has stuck out to me even to this day. Honestly, there is too much for me to write about and some of it is way too painful. A lot of this stuff made me fear expressing myself. But when I think back that time the boys confronted me about how boys are supposed to be and how girls are really made me more shy around my peers and more cautious about how I interacted with them. It's weird how such a small event can impact us in big ways.
My family allowed me to do some gender bending, but as I got a little older they started to push me (gently) into a certain direction. I remember having to play sports and going to baseball camp even when I had no desire to do so and would often crt. In fact, my mom didn't even believe I broke my arm at baseball camp, so she sent me in the next day only to be shocked. I hated playing sports, but my mother insisted that I do normal little boy things to build character and socialize with other kids my age. That's what all mothers do and I have no problem with that. Also, she tried to prevent me from doing "female" social activites. As a kid, I remember wanting to do ballet like my sisters did, but my mom wouldn't allow me to do it because I was a "boy" Instead, I got to do tap dancing and later on stole my sisters costume in order to dress up as a fairy princess in our home. Interestingly my mom was okay with that and the other times I dressed up as a young kid at home. She saw that as childhood expression. While she steeered me into one direction, she was somewhat liberal with things as long as they were in the home and private. However, I knew my mother and father saw me as their little boy and wanted me to be just that. My father would always tell me I had to "man up" but it was done with love not anger or frustration. I think he gave up at a point because he saw how sensitive and different I was. It's hard to explain.
What really made me afraid to express myself as a child was all the rules I had to follow that my sister enforced. If I had my TV on, it had to be on volume 2. Now way could it go on volume three or I would be yelled at for the entire night. And every 5 minutes she would make sure to check. If this was the only thing, I'd been okay. However, she did this with many things (including my cd player). I remember being terrified of doing the wrong thing because it would cause a lot of drama and it would be my fault. My parents had no idea what to do. Even though it was terrible with how controlling she was, we also got along really well. I always looked up to my sister and she was my best friend growing up. It was a complex relationship, but honestly she definitely made me afraid to break the rules or go out of bounds because she would yell and scream at you if you did. I think this is why I've always been fraid of confrontation or doing "the wrong thing". While this may sound bad, I really love my family and there is a lot of good to share, so the negatives are outweighed by the positives.
I have no doubt my childhood and teenage years had an impact on me, but I don't know how or why. There are so many events that could have had an impact, yet I have no idea. In any case, I am who I am and can't let the past or my fears define me. However, I've done just that for a long time and certainly can see how my past did mold me into who I am today.
