Unable to believe in myself

[yaka]

I am accepted as my true identity by my partner and my close friends, and many strangers I meet see me as a guy without question. However I do get the occasional person who (usually in the GLBT community) questions my manhood or denies it totally. My family is the same. I moved out of home simply so I could start my transition, and only see them occasionally - just because my partner (who has strong family values) urges me not to cut them off completely. However, whenever I see them my usual confident self feels....castrated. Reminded of the way I felt when I was living with them. Not only forced under their rules like most kids but also forced to be something I wasn't, and feeling like a worthless ->-bleeped-<-stain.

This feeling remains especially when I find myself doubting myself due to the opinions of these people, getting to the point of where I think that they might actually be true and I am indeed 'kidding myself', and going back to those feelings of worthlessness. End up trying out being my birth gender to failure, which feels almost self-defeating.. Simply didn't care about female qualities/interests, and felt warm about my masculine qualities. Sexually I could never get aroused imagining myself as a chick even when I tried - however trying to envision myself as a man fails as I can't believe in my identity enough to keep the fantasy going (in order to come), and masturbating the female way was bothering me big time. It's so hard in terms of intimacy as well, even tho my partner treats me as I want to be treated, when it comes to bedroom affairs I'm painfully reminded of what I haven't got and am already defeated.

Tired of the flip-flopping of my mind and wish I wasn't so self-hating to begin with. How can I push past these doubts and just believe in myself?

[freddie]

This feeling remains especially when I find myself doubting myself due to the opinions of these people, getting to the point of where I think that they might actually be true and I am indeed 'kidding myself', and going back to those feelings of worthlessness.

I can relate to this a lot. I'm only just coming round to who I think I am, but every time I think I've finally come to the right decision, someone voices their thoughts and throws me off guard. Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one, so doubting yourself is completely natural especially with larger changes in life. But as you know how you feel and that only seems to change around your family, I think you need to try and think differently about what they say. It's hard but try speaking positively to yourself about how you are certain and in the end that's al that matters.

Good luck!

[Edge]

I've been through this too as are some of my friends.
Other people do not define you. What kind of man are you? What kind of man do you want to be?
Do you want your family to be in your life? If not, put your foot down. They are your family and it is your decision to what extent, if any, they are around.
Sorry I am bad with words and I know how difficult it it to get out of other people's opinions.

[stephaniec]

I'm older and don't have these kind of problems because I stopped talking to siblings a long time ago because of different issues.  I  do know that life is short and it's nice to be able to live life the way you want because it's your life.

[insideontheoutside]

I'm no psychologist but I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do when it comes to family. Family can have a powerful effect on a person ... especially when it comes to parents and siblings whom that person spent the formative years of their life with. But just how you learned to doubt yourself because of the unsupportive environment you grew up in, you can learn to have confidence in yourself in spite of these people's opinions. Getting out on your own I'm sure was a good move and allowed you to see that away from the negative influence of the family members, you could have some confidence to be yourself. It's difficult to separate the negative influence you've known from your "new" life when you're back under the negative influence, but perhaps simply acknowledging it with that perspective might be a small step forward?

I, unfortunately, know all too well what you mean about the issues with intimacy. I haven't found a solution myself to that one.