Deception

[Jenna Stannis]

Apologies for getting on my high horse about this subject, but I'm still suffering the consequences of not being open about my gender. That said, while I stand by my earlier comments, only you can read your current situation.

Perhaps this kind of deception is a necessary evil within societies that treat trans* people as second class citizens.

[Lana P]

If your just friends I don't think it really matters. But if she is going to judge you as a friend then shes not worth having in the first place.

[Jenna Stannis]

Yes, what Lana said. Such a situation sorts itself out in an unfortunate kind of way, so it's pointless worrying about whether your friendship will remain intact. Yes, it's a shame that you can get along with someone in every way except when it comes to your gender - but the shame is all theirs.

[Rachel]

Lana and JS, I agree 100%.

I will share, I came out of the closet to my wife 2/15/2012. I love her and she loves me, I think. We have been struggling for the last 11 months. I believe we will remain friends but definitely not lovers.  We have been married 20 years. Living in a closet is hell, GID is hell, coming out of the closet to a wife is hell. Being out is freedom but time to pay the toll.

Joe, the longer you are in the closet to her the higher the toll.

[Joe.]

I understand what you're both saying, but it's not like she knew me as female and she has to get her head around changing pronouns and a new name. She knows me as a man because that's what I am. I don't have the right parts, but do I know what's really in her pants? I want to tell her because I care about her, but right now I don't feel the need to because we're just friends, even though I like her. Telling her I'm trans feels like I'm opening up the gates for her to start misgendering me or seeing me as something that I'm not.

[Jenna Stannis]

I understand what you're both saying, but it's not like she knew me as female and she has to get her head around changing pronouns and a new name. She knows me as a man because that's what I am. I don't have the right parts, but do I know what's really in her pants? I want to tell her because I care about her, but right now I don't feel the need to because we're just friends, even though I like her. Telling her I'm trans feels like I'm opening up the gates for her to start misgendering me or seeing me as something that I'm not.

Yes, I'm just considering what I'd do if I was living as a female and my prospective partner thought they were getting involved with a cis female. I really don't know. I can see two quite valid sides to this scenario. On the one hand, if I am living as a female I shouldn't have to explain myself to others. But not everyone out there sees it that way. You know what, now that your story is clearer, if you don't tell her and she finds out later, she shouldn't think that you've been deceptive. Mainly because you haven't been and she should understand that. It is tricky, though, and it goes to the heart of how we view ourselves, such as whether you consider yourself a man or a trans man? I've seen people here mount convincing arguments for both cases.

[Lana P]

There is no easy way around it no matter how you go about it. But you should be prepared that if and when you decide to tell her that she may say sorry thats not for me.

Personally for me if its new friends I don't say anything. Because they don't really need to know. However that being said I think you might want to share who you are on the 2nd or 3rd date.

I do most of my dating online and so I am pretty honest with who I am. Plus its easier to go through people who are not into me. Dating though is never easy no matter how you go about it.

[Jenna Stannis]

Lana, has anyone ever told you that you look like Anna Gunn?

[Bobbi]

Very nice, Cynthia - really like those words...

Joe - totally my experience here - YMMV. I was at those crossroads 4 weeks ago.  I felt I had to keep my heart open.  I took a chance & told her I loved her - and I have no regrets.  For me, I would rather love & lose that not love at all.  She was amazing - told me she was so tempted, but was straight. Yes - that hurt for a day. What I discovered was that my declaration of love helped create a friendship so deep, so intimate, so special.  We spent Christmas & New Year's together & I found a special friend with which I can share my soul.

          Be Courageous   Be STRONG
        There is Pain, there is BEAUTY 
             Keep your heart OPEN
  Everything You Need is Within You  ALWAYS

Joe - I wish you courage to be yourself.   Sending you warmest though for love & peace.

Love & hugs - Bobbi