Deception

[Joe.]

I've been getting close to this girl and things are going well. As far as I know, she thinks I'm just your average guy, just a little late developing. However, we were talking the other day and she said she doesn't like being decieved or lied to. Whilst I don't believe that I am lying or decieving her, when it comes out that I am trans I worry that she will think that I was. I don't know if I should tell her I'm trans and risk scaring her off, or if I should wait until we get closer and tell her and risk her reacting badly if she thinks I lied to her. I really like her and don't want to mess this up.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi baby! Well, honesty is a must. Would you want to start a relationship based on a lie? That is a bad start. If you could lie about something so big if she ever found out, how could she even begin to trust you in small matters. Anyway, you have no chance to hide who you are. Please baby, tell her.

[Joe.]

But I don't feel like I'm lying  I feel like I'm being myself. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to begin to tell her. It's early days and I don't know how to say I'm trans because I don't know if she likes me in that way. If she doesn't, I don't know why I need to tell her, but I don't want to not tell her and it turns out she does like me. It feels really complicated.

[Bobbi]

Joe - I feel that my personal body is my private business until I feel that I might be intimate with someone - & that would only happen if we had established a deep, meaningful bond and trust to start sharing such personal details - past a normal friendship. I am very uncomfortable sharing all of myself so soon. I focus on relationship quality because I feel that my body is not important until our relationship transcends friendship.


Love & hugs - Bobbi

[Jessica Merriman]

But I don't feel like I'm lying

If she thinks your a cis male, you are not and you know it, what does that mean? You are deceptive and deception is a what? A lie. Sorry, that's the truth no matter how much spin is put on it.

[Joe.]

Thanks Bobbi. That's what I feel like. I don't feel the need to tell her until we're intimate. But if it gets to that point, I don't want her to feel lied to or decieved.

I see what you're saying Jessica 

[Jenna Stannis]

But I don't feel like I'm lying  I feel like I'm being myself. I don't know how to explain it.

You don't know how to explain it because you're deceiving yourself as well as her. I assume that gender is important to you, so why would you believe that a potential partner wouldn't find it just as important? If you're allowing her to believe that you're a cis male, then you're lying by omission, simple as that. You have to tell her. If you can't do that for fear of disclosure to others, you need to walk away. Trust me, I've been down this road; the longer you wait the more extensive the damage. 10-years and one child later, my relationship dissolved overnight after finally coming clean about my gender. I know it's early days for you, but you'd be amazed how easy it is to indefinitely put off that important conversation once you become romantically involved.

[Joe.]

I am transitioning at the moment. I'm living as male full time. If we did get close, I'd have to tell her of course. It's just at the moment I don't know where I stand. I don't want to tell her right at this moment if to her I'm just a friend, but I don't want to not tell her and her think we're more than that. I don't see the point in telling her if we're not going to get intimate.

[Jenna Stannis]

I am transitioning at the moment. I'm living as male full time. If we did get close, I'd have to tell her of course. It's just at the moment I don't know where I stand. I don't want to tell her right at this moment if to her I'm just a friend, but I don't want to not tell her and her think we're more than that. I don't see the point in telling her if we're not going to get intimate.

That's fine, but a lot of what you said in your initial post seems to indicate that your relationship has already moved beyond friendship. By this, I mean that you both seem to be considering some sort of romantic relationship. If this is the case and you've already committed to transitioning, I would advise that you tell her.

Alternatively, you could try testing the waters with a few conversations about gender, etc. Be warned, though, that this doesn't always work. What some people are happy to accept and support in theory they don't often accept in practice in their own lives, as I discovered with the partner I referred to in my last post.

You also said you're worried about scaring her off, but ask yourself what this means. If she's not into trans women and you're transitioning, then her turning you down is a foregone conclusion anyway. That's not to say, however, that she won't remain friends with you.

That said, I know these situations are not easy and I have no idea how I will approach my next relationship (which is already assuming a lot).

[Joe.]

Sorry, I think I've confused you. I'm not a trans woman, I'm a trans man. I'm transitioning from female to male.

I don't really know where I stand with her. I don't know how to do the whole dating or relationship thing. I don't know what is right or wrong to do.

I think it will be best if I tell her, I'm just not sure when the best time for that will be.

[Jenna Stannis]

Sorry, I think I've confused you. I'm not a trans woman, I'm a trans man. I'm transitioning from female to male.

I don't really know where I stand with her. I don't know how to do the whole dating or relationship thing. I don't know what is right or wrong to do.

I think it will be best if I tell her, I'm just not sure when the best time for that will be.

Apologies for that. That's my good-eye-for-detail at work.

Yes, I think that's best. But, yeah, while honesty is the best policy, your reservations are valid. People can react in unexpected ways to such news, as I discovered.

[Joe.]

It's ok.

I don't want to blow it before it's even begun, but I don't want to build it being on a lie. It's a really difficult situation and I don't know how to react to it.

[Jayne]

Hi Joe

I think it's very important that you tell her, the longer you leave it the higher the chance that she'll see this as deception.
Not telling someone something personal is not a lie but but it can be seen as deceptive when it comes to potential relationships.

I've sent you a pm with a bit more detail about my view & how I would handle this situation but the final decision lies with you

[Rachel]

Hi Joe,

You have a dilemma. So let me see if I understand, if you tell her you are trans* she may walk away from the friendship and the potential romantic relationship. If you do not tell her you are trans until there is a romantic then she may walk. Also, if she finds out you are trans* while in the friends stage she may walk too. I hope I have the information correct.

Putting Trans* aside, if you have romantic feelings for her do you think she has romantic feelings for you? If you kissed her tomorrow would you tell her tomorrow night? Do you think it will be easier telling her after you kissed her? Do you think she knows already and the conversation about lies and deception is an invitation to discuss it with her?

I will be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way. The dilemma is truly difficult and can go either way. However, eventually you will tell her, the question is when.

[Joe.]

That's correct Cynthia. Whatever happens, there's always the chance she may walk.

Putting the trans thing aside, yeah I do think she might have romantic feelings for me too. If I did kiss her, I would probably tell her soon afterwards. I care about her, I care about how she feels. This is why I want to tell her, but I'm worried about the outcome.

I think theres a chance she knows, because I am pre-T and I don't think I pass. That could be why she brought up that conversation.

Thanks Cynthia

[Jenna Stannis]

It's ok.

I don't want to blow it before it's even begun, but I don't want to build it being on a lie. It's a really difficult situation and I don't know how to react to it.

What is it that you're worried about destroying, the friendship or the shot at a relationship? If it's the relationship you're worried about, then whether you tell her now or later, a relationship won't work if she's not into having a trans partner. It seems to me that you're stringing her along until she gets involved with you, at which point you plan to reveal all in the hope that true love will prevail, casting aside any doubts that she may have about dating a trans person. I don't think that's a very fair strategy. It is deceptive.

[Joe.]

Fair enough.

[Jenna Stannis]

Fair enough.

If it works out, let me know how you managed. I could use some tips.

[Joe.]

It probably won't work. I'm just going to stay friends.

[Rachel]

I care about her, I care about how she feels. This is why I want to tell her, but I'm worried about the outcome.

Joe, if the two of you have chemistry then when it really gets brewing well ........

Well when it heats up you will have the difficult conversation. You know what is at stake which makes it so difficult. Tell her, "I care about you, I care about how you feel. This is why I want to tell you, but I'm worried about the outcome".