Looking for someone with a similar story

[Mittens]

I'm the parent of a 17 year old boy who has very recently come to the conclusion that he feels more like a girl.  I'm using his words.  He has thought about transitioning eventually and hrt but states he does not want surgery.  He has come to this conclusion very quickly - in little over 3 months. 4 months ago he was all "guy" like...working out for bigger muscles etc...I'm being supportive and basically just letting him talk to me about it.  I'm coming at this from the angle of "what does my child need from me."  He has a therapist but has not mentioned any of this to him yet.

My confusion lies in the fact that he doesn't present as a girl at all.  He doesn't cross dress, doesn't enjoy "girly" things and doesn't even attempt to "act" like a girl (whatever that really means.)  He says he is bisexual as well.  I am taking him to an anime convention and figured this would be an opportunity he would take to dress as a female but he's not...he's going in a male character costume.

Is there anyone out there with a similar story?  If I could see some type of feminine streak in him this would all make much more sense to me, but I've been watching him like a hawk and I don't see it.  He's always been very much a "boy"...not a super manly guy but a guy all the same.  He never played with girl toys, never enjoyed hanging with girls (he/she has a sister), really never did any stuff one would associate with a girl.  Should I talk to him/her about that?  I don't want to offend his/her emerging sense of femininity but I would also like someone's perspective on this if anyone has an idea.  After our talk we agreed that he should take things slowly and not rush...He stated that he needs to concentrate on school and relax about all this a little.  It's great if he can relax a little now but I'm now the one that is super confused!  Thanks for any input.

[Nero]

Hi Mittens.

Not sure if we have any parents in your situation right now. But I know from the transitioning women here that degrees of 'girlyness' in childhood vary wildly. Sometimes trans women even go the other way and try very hard to be masculine. We have a lot of trans women who worked very stereotypically masculine jobs. It's possible your child's lifting weights and stuff was an attempt to feel more like a man. Overcompensation is very common in trans people.

I am taking him to an anime convention and figured this would be an opportunity he would take to dress as a female but he's not...he's going in a male character costume.

He (using he because you used it) may just not be ready. There are trans women here who never crossdressed before transitioning.

I know it can seem kind out of the blue if he was never girly. But if you think about it, probably half (or close to it) of all little girls today could be considered tomboys or display some tomboyish traits. Couple that with being raised a boy and it's very likely a girl would seem masculine. And some kids just go with the flow without much preference either way.

It's an internal sense of gender and being 'right' in your body. It's hard to explain, but to him maybe it's not about doing girly things or wearing dresses but about the need to be a girl while doing the things he likes. I know this can be very hard to grasp. It is for us too.

Should I talk to him/her about that?  I don't want to offend his/her emerging sense of femininity but I would also like someone's perspective on this if anyone has an idea. 

He may be thinking about this himself. We get a lot of comments from people with fears and worries about why they weren't girly in childhood. Or the opposite for the guys - 'I'm kind of feminine, I love to sew. Can I still be trans?' So he may be self-conscious about this. Or he may have a different interpretation and think he was girly but no one else saw it. You're right that this can be a very touchy area. Instead of asking why he feels this way when he was never girly, maybe just ask how long he's had these feelings, how he discovered this about himself, etc.

I'm probably not doing a very good job explaining, but I wasn't sure how long it would be before someone replied. And I'm really glad to see parents coming here for insight. Your child is a lucky girl. 

I'm sure some of the ladies here will be along and can explain more from an insider perspective what your child may be feeling.

Welcome!

[Mittens]

Thank you so much for the reply!  It is all very confusing...I just want to do/say the right things as well as understand as best I can.  I'm being a little obsessive about researching the subject etc.  I told him to slow down and he agreed...I think I need to do the same.  As a parent...I would hope other parents would come here for some perspective and education.  I love my child and just want him/her to be happy - always.  I don't use "her" yet because he hasn't told me to.  I've seen some posts about the difficulty other teens have had coming out to their parents and it's a good perspective for me to have.  I know my child was VERY afraid...which is weird in a way because I'm very accepting and liberal and we've always been close.  He was SO relieved when we finished talking...and happy which he hasn't been for a while.  I guess I will take that for now.  Hopefully someone with a similar situation (from the teens perspective maybe) will see and reply to help me understand a little more.  I have searched the net and haven't found a similar situation yet - but I realize everyone's circumstances are different.

[Mittens]

Thanks for the reply Emily.  Interesting about the denial.  I will have to think about that one for a while...it could very well apply to this situation.

[Brooke777]

First, I would like to say how brave your child is. To be able to come out to you in their teens is huge!. Also, you are doing all the right things here.

Next, I new I was supposed to be female when I was about 4 or 5. However, my step dad would beat me if I did anything he considered to be feminine. So, I learned to hide it. My mom had no clue how I felt. She saw me as a very masculine boy. I was very good at hiding it. Your child may be doing something similar. It can take a lot to be able to let yourself relax to the point where you can be yourself. Just give them time.

Best of luck, and again, good job on how you are working through this.

[suzifrommd]

This is my story exactly. I've never cross-dressed, never did girly things, never played with dolls, etc. I didn't hate the male parts of my body. No one (including myself) saw the slightest piece of femininity. The year or two before my discovery I had gotten into weight lifting.

And yet I am transgender, and am much more comfortable living as a female. I wish I had done it as a 17-year-old. I think I would have found it a lot easier to fit in. I've always been more comfortable with female friends, and it has been frustrating my entire life fitting into any kind of social scene. My problem was I didn't know WHY I was so uncomfortable living and socializing as a male until I started learning about what it means to be transgender.

I'm a school teacher, and I know that in a lot of areas there are now many supports available for transgender kids. Is there a Gay/Straight alliance in the school? Is there a PFLAG chapter in your area? Both of these can be good resources.

Good luck. It sounds like child has a wonderful ally as a parent.

[amZo]

Sounds very similar to my situation. I was a serious bodybuilder for years and I did many masculine things, still do at times.

I have gender dysphoria, but I'm not really interesting in surgeries or changing my name or gender status. I've been on hormone replacement for close to three years. There have been pros and cons regarding my efforts, but exploring this has been extremely beneficial for me.

Sounds like your going slow approach is in a way for you both to explore and understand his situation better. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

You sound like a thoughtful and loving parent, best of luck to you and your son!

[Emo]

I am somewhat similar.
I dont dress or act like a girl. But this is because i fear rejection by my peers. If i dressed as a female now, i would be horrified by any negative reaction. I have told my mom, and she does not seem to understand either but you are more accepting and that is awesome of you.
Right now id say the best you can do is keep supporting her, get her to talk to her therapist, and ask her if she wants to do some girl things with you, such as painting nails, makeup, or shopping. See if she likes these things.
Its hard to tell, by your perspective it seems she came to a very rapid conclusion but if this is truly what she wants, she probably would have been thinking about it much longer.

I hope this helps.

Ps- transgender and sexual orientation are different. My conclusion of being transgender only came when i left love, sex, and relationships out of the equation.

Noelle

[stephaniec]

I don't know if this is similar , but I knew I was quite different at age 4 onwards . I did have a severe cross dress thing all my life. I desperately tried to hide behind the male image because I knew I wasn't male. I wasn't going to be bullied for being different even though inside I was. I did the sports thing in high school. Did a lot of partying with friends. Dated a lot. Inside though I was a mess. One thing I wish I had done early on would of been to get all this out to an understanding qualified therapist. I've been through quite a lot of therapy in my life ,but I was never able to talk about my gender problem. I was just too embarrassed by it. I finally got it out recently and I'm a lot happier.

[Michelle G]

It was around age 10 when I started to really think that something was up with my body, my younger sis and I are very close in age and as we grew up I was positive that I should have been a girl like her....but! This was in the 60's and such things were unheard of in our small town so I just kept it to my self and kept on doing boy things, never getting into sports or "tough guy" stuff at all, instead I got more into my artistic side which was where I good be my true girly self today I am a successful professional artist stuck somewhere between girl/boy mode.

I could only wish to have such an understanding parent as you are at age 17! Things would have been SO much different for the better.

Your child is very very lucky! Just be patient and follow his cues as time goes on, Susan's will always be your friendly resource for first hand advice.....welcome

[BunnyBee]

Um this is long lol.  I usually try to keep things shorter than this...  Anyway..

The weightlifting may be, like FA said, an overcompensation, which is common.  I never got too much into the overcompensation things, but when I was trying to make being a guy work i did play up whatever few masculine traits I had.  Like, I was good at sports, so that became my thing.  it was the one way I felt I could interact with guys where I did not feel like I didn't belong.

And that was kind of my deal, I knew I felt like a girl, but I couldn't stand the idea of being a disappointment to my very conservative parents.  Also it was the 80s/90s when I was young, and it would have been horrible if I told anybody how I felt, unlike today where it is better, somewhat.  So I hid any anything about my nature that could have been even hinting at femininity with an obsession because I thought people were more observant than they actually are, and I just knew I people would know if I gave the smallest hint.  Anybody observing me back then would have seen a guy with no visible feminine traits, but seemed uncomfortable in their skin, who was very distant and reserved and soft spoken, but was good at sports.  Nobody probably saw any hints of being trans.

Meanwhile, I felt like yes, I am secretly a girl, but why does anybody have to know?  I felt like in time those feelings would go away, or if not I could find a way to live with them.  However, time went by and I found that instead of those feelings going away, I felt worse and worse about living a lie.  It started feeling like my whole life was fake, and I didn't know if I was even real anymore, because if you live a lie long enough you start to believe it, and the incongruity between that and deep down knowing it was all fake began tearing me apart.

I became deeply depressed, I started hating myself and even being alive.  I saw no way out, I had learned about transition but knew I could never make that work.  I just wasn't strong enough.  Without hope, it got very dark and very bad.

Somehow I found enough of a will to live to try transitioning, even though I knew I would fail at it.  It is funny how living your life authentically changes everything.  I started taking the steps and the depression faded (over months and months) and eventually was replaced with something I had never experienced in my life: sustainable happiness.  It changed me.  Transition has given me the chance to be the very best version of myself that I can be.  I very much love my life now and love the person I have become through all of this.

You are an amazing mother to try to find out more and understand this condition, rather than try to control your child and "make" them match how you think of them, which is what my parents did when I finally told them.  Your child may not be ready for presenting themself as female publicly yet, it's scary!  I think the first step is to have them talk to a therapist about how they feel, preferably one that specializes in these issues.  Then they just need to take baby steps, or whatever size steps they feel comfortable with, and head toward understanding themselves better.   Probably they will end up in a different place than they imagine at this early stage, I know I did, so don't take anything they say about their sexuality or what surgeries or whatever steps they think they will take as gospel truth just yet.  They have a lot to figure out still.  The best thing is that they start figuring it out, and that they don't wait till it gets so bad that it becomes dangerous.

[Tammy Hope]

just a couple of brief points -

first, a lot of us try to "man up" often to a rather funny degree in an effort to make it go away. Doesn't work

second, you shouldn't be surprised if the landscape shifts pretty rapidly. Chances are your child is just beginning to understand themselves and there could easily be not a few tangents and blind alleys and "I know i said X but now Y" moments.

Stay flexible.

[Ltl89]

First, let me say how refreshing and wonderful it is to see a mother who cares to learn about and understand their child.

As for the subject, yes and no.  I can say yes because I was told by my own mother that she never saw signs and no because they did exist.  In my case, my mother is in major denial mode and is trying to recreate everything in order to make this go away.   She thinks the fact that my sister and I would often play and dress up as the Olsen twins was just a cute little boy thing, lol. The most she will acknowledge is that she knew I was never comfortable in my own skin and that I had major body issues.  Other than that, she's really trying to deny everything and trying to change the situation.  You seem very open to your childs situation, so I don't think this is the case for you, but keep in mind that we all have an image of those we love.  When we discover that the image doesn't match up or that there is a major discrepancy, it's shocking and hard to grasp. 

As for my past, there were signs if you were looking, but most probably just assumed I was gay.  However, that's not to say that I was open and transparent about my feelings.  My whole teenage years were spent trying to hide many of my feelings and keep them among myself.  While I did a lot of gender bending at home when I was kid, it was usually in private.  By the time I got older, I kept anything that could make me suspect to myself.  I was always too shy about this stuff. Mainly it was a fear and inability to express what I feel and who I am.  Sure, some people saw right through me and I got teased for being percieved as "gay", but I really tried hard to keep things hidden.  For me, my gender identity was always a source of shame and regret.  I hated myself for being this way and it wasn't something to embrace.  Rather, it was something that I wanted to change in order to be normal.  So it's a weird thing.  I don't know how people in my past would see me.  I'd be shocked if they read me as a macho straight guy, but most people aren't looking for signs that someone is trans.  I've only heard two people say something about my gender prior to transitioning (both events happened in college from whispering girls). 

That being said, I don't know if my story is similar to your child at all.  What I can say is that your child may have spent many years repressing their feelinfs and trying to change who they were at it's core.  If they didn't like and accept themselves, it may be more difficult for you to catch onto your child.  Years of hiding and regret can really change how we intepret the situation.  However, your kid may also just feel comfortable being more masculine and doing some masculine things.  They may identify as female and wish to live that way, but that doesn't mean she is going to be your typical girly girl.  None of us can say which is true for your child.  The best way to discover that is to have a compassionate conversation with her to find out who she is and what she feels. 

Lastly, I would like to thank you for being a wonderful mother and for being so proactive in your child's life. You have no idea how important your understanding and compassion can be for your child.  Being a part of your daughter's support system can make her life so much easier and more meaningful. 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Before I came out and started transitioning ,I was appearing to be a typical guy...
the thing is that I hated that and I was scared/sad and unsure about what to do ...
I liked girls stuff/clothes etc but nobody knew...

Anyway its great that you are so supportive it will lessen his/her pain...

[kathyk]

Hi Mittens.  Please understand that before transition many of us hide who we are, and how we feel.  And we learn to do this very well.  I lived 60 years in a self imposed prison to keep the person I wanted to be burried.  And in the end doing so deeply hurt me and many others, inclluding my wife, children and a large extended family.

You have a very brave teenager who's opened a door into her life for the first time.  Be proud that she's willing to talk to you, and to ask for your help.  But now she really needs to talk to a Gender Therapist to help her see how her life can change.

Katherine

[mrs izzy]

There is a good article in Macleans this month that is a good read. It is also online if you wish to read. It is about family and children with the same issues your family.

http://www2.macleans.ca/2014/01/13/what-happens-when-your-son-tells-you-hes-really-a-girl/

Hope it helps some.
Isabell

[MiaOhMya!]

Great question, and you are obviously a very caring mother. I can see why he would have the courage to confide in you. While it's not to say your son is the same as myself, my parents did doubt me when I came out to them. They thought perhaps I was "just gay", or maybe avoiding life's challenges by creating this other image. Yeah they were wrong, and made me so angry, but now I appreciate that they cared enough to be healthy sceptics.

As for my story, I too used to lift weights I think mainly to hang out with friends and be like them. I was also into cars and such around that age. I never dated though, never dated anyone really at ALL due to my problems. I was also very aware of the kind of image I put forth, because I didn't want criticism or people wondering about me.

It might not be such a bad idea to ask if he wants to see a gender therapist since a good one has seen lots of cases and stories. Maybe ask him just how far back this goes, because for lots of us it goes as far back as our memory. Many of us do discover our nature later in life though. I wish I'd had the courage to come out at 17 that is amazing... I would have avoided some terrible years.

[Natalia]

I never acted feminine in public or close to my family because, as a man, I feared being rejected or being the reason for jokes. Also, I feel a woman inside, but I don't want to look like a feminine boy, I want to be a feminine woman, so when I am being what I have been until now, a boy, I usually restrain myself and act like a boy.

I have never been into excessive manly stuff but when at school I had more masculine friends than feminine friends, I liked to play videogames, I liked to play card games as Magic the Gathering and a lot of things boys do. I never played with dolls (except if you consider stuffed animals, in that case things are different), and things go on and on. I was not a girly child, but I also wasn't exactly doing excessive manly things.

Abour crossdressing...I always did it secretly...no one ever suspected...I think!

I only started questioning about my identity about the age of 15 yo...but I had other problems to think about and I left it aside to study and concentrate on getting into a good university. Just now, at the age of 26yo, I really found myself again.

[Rachel]

Hi Mittens and welcome. I wish I had a parent that supported me. You are amazing.

I could bench 300 lbm on my 6th set of a reversed pyramid at age 26. I was built like a brick .....
I chose a very male profession. In college I secretly wanted to be a nurse. 

I did wear female panties and shave and wear pantyhose and I would put on makeup and polish in hiding when young and 1/2 way through college. Then I cut my hair, put away my tight jeans and fitted shirts and concentrated on being numb and male. I had my escape every night and GID. Then my wall crumbled and the dark woods would not help. It was suicide or get help. Intake it was and a new me is immerging. Trans* did not go away no matter how hard I tried or how hard I cried.

Perhaps you can go to therapy with her. Blockers would help while you sort out the details with a good gender therapist. Perhaps a shopping trip would be fun. There is a Trans* spectrum so finding out how she feels and encourage exploration is important. What would her name have been is named female?

[Megumi]

When I came out to my parents and sister they all said the some of the same things and needless to say they NEVER saw it coming either. When I said I had something important to talk about they thought I was going to say I'm moving away. That's how well I had kept my feelings hidden for nearly 30 years of my life. 

"You never showed any signs" That was because I learned what real fear was at a very young age when I began to have transgender feelings even though I had no idea what it was back then.

"You never crossdressed, ever" They never caught me, simple as that they never noticed that I crossdressed as a child. Had clothes hidden between my mattress and would put them on at night when everyone was asleep and would cry at times because it was so unfair that I couldn't just have been born a "normal" girl.

"You never pounced around the house proclaiming you were a girl at a young age" I built up an immense amount of unrealistic fear that my family would abandon me if I ever told them how I felt. It took me until late last year before I could tell them how I really felt. By then I was already a 100% independent adult living on my own but it was still the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life.

"You played male sports as a kid and up until you finished high school" That was me trying as hard as I could to fake it and suppress my real feelings. I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough to be a man that I would forget ever feeling that I should have been born female and that everything would magically be good. Sadly that was to my own detriment as I now have a lot of regret over not being true to my feelings and how much different my life could be right now. I'll never know and it really hurts my soul thinking about the what if's.

I could go on and on. But I would look into taking your child to a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues. For all you know your child might not be transgender but could be androgynous but who knows other than how your child really feels. My parents asked the same of me as a 29 year old adult, take it slow...ect. I couldn't because I was in a very very terrible place mentally where I was getting close to just giving up on everything, it still terrifies me thinking how close I came to falling into a dark pit with no way out.
Try your best to not use emotional blackmail to prevent or slow them from doing what they feel that they need to do. I know it's hard on a parent to see their child wanting to do something as drastic as this but the reason why I say that is because once they start to transition they will know very quickly if it is right or not for them. I knew I was different from all of the kids when I was 5 and that I was a woman around 13 when I learned what transgender was, but I really didn't KNOW I was a woman until I started to transition from male to female. That moment came to me about a week after I started hormone replacement therapy which was over 2 months after I came out to my parents and had been seeing a therapist weekly all while going out in public dressed as myself to therapy and a few bar outtings. It's still hard on me as I deal with my own confidence issues but that goes away over time to where it's just a natural thing to be me everywhere. I've argued with my parents and sister over being transgender quite a few times. Both my mom and sister went on and on about how terrible it is to be a woman these days and how I wouldn't enjoy it at all, every time I could tell they were trying to use emotional blackmail and I wouldn't budge from my stance. They have no real idea of what it feels like to me to be a woman as my experience is completely different from there's in the obvious ways but I can't deny that in my soul I am a woman through and through. They weren't happy when I started taking hormones recently, my mom had some kind of crazy notion that in two years or more "she was in HEAVY denial at the time" and I'd come out at work when in reality my plan is to go on until I reach the level of male fail where everyone around me at work knows something is up or simply I reach the point where I can't take not being true to myself anymore which will most likely happen by this summer and from then on out i'll live full time as a woman. They aren't happy when I talk about the physical effects that I'm starting to notice happen and the sad reality of that is they aren't happy because I'm actually HAPPY with where I'm at right now and where I'm going and for them that means everything I've been saying for the past 3 months is true and that I'm heading in the right direction in life for me to be content with myself as a woman. For them that means their world will be turned upside down, they will need to learn my new name, use the right pronouns, accept everything and be prepared to be seen with me out in public. It scares them even though they don't want to openly admit it, I could be attacked/made fun of/even killed for being transgender but to me that doesn't scare me one bit. What scares me is the thought that I'd have to live the rest of my life as someone that I'm not and be completely miserable until I died. That terrifies me more than the possibilities of what might happen as I transition.