Who am I?

[Alyssa446]

Hello everyone.  I'm going by Alyssa here (know this is including an intro. Sorry).  I was hoping to get some advice about myself. I am 26 and physically male, but I think I would rather be a woman.   I have a tendency to over-think many things so I have a hard time trusting my own judgement in certain cases. That is why I have come to you.  I was hoping to get an outsider's perspective on things(before I go out and start talking to a shrink).

The main question I have is "Am I truly a transgender?".

One of my biggest issues with this is the surety that many others seem to possess in saying "I am a woman on the inside".  I have a difficulty saying this because I am in fact physically male.  I  have dreamed of being a woman off and on since I was in elementary school.  Sometimes I can manage to distract myself for a while, although recently it has become drastically more intense and I feel that I won't be able to keep it out of mind for any longer.  I have the desire to do womanly things; to go out with the girls, to put on makeup, wear the cloths, but most importantly, to live the life.  The problem  again for me is the difference in desire and actually feeling like a woman. 

I do know that fear is probably playing a big role in my thought process in making me somewhat biased in my thinking, which again, is why I come to you ladies.  Ask any questions you want and I will answer them honestly.  I'm hoping you can help me figure out what is going on in my head.  Thank you.

[LJP]

Welcome Alyssa, the only person that can answer that question is you. First step would be to find a gender therapist who is experienced with transgender patients. I totally get the overthinking it, I'm in the same mode right now. Tons of helpful ppl and info here.

[Sir Wafflinton]

Trans dude stepping in here, hi Alyssa and welcome. I think you are going to get a lot of comments here saying speak to a gender therapist, and that is completely OK and a great way to deal with it, but because people give this answer a lot I thought I'd just mention a different route. Tbh I didn't even realise "gender therapy" was a thing that existed and people went to until I started frequenting these forums quite some time after I actually transitioned.

I remember putting all this effort into figure out my identity and feeling confused and angry when I didn't get any answers. One night I accepted that it is OK for this to be confusing and I shouldn't try to force the issue, I should just take as much time as I need. I woke up the next morning knowing I was a guy and transitioning was something I needed to do pretty immediately. I think half of it is that transitioning seems so difficult sometimes we keep asking ourselves if we are sure this is right hoping we'll get the answer "no" which never comes for obvious reasons.

My own experience taught me that a "just do it" approach is sometimes best for dealing with gender stuff. Not necessarily hunting for answers, but experiences. Find a loved one you feel it is safe to be honest with and tell them you are questioning your identity. If you think wearing women's clothes and makeup sounds awesome go wear women's clothes and makeup. Don't feel you have to justify these things by categorizing yourself one way or another. If the loved one you have chosen to confide in is really awesome you could even get them to use the pronouns and name of your choosing, just for a day so you can see how it fits.

If you're not sure then there is nothing wrong with testing the water. You have very little to lose and a lot to gain.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome Alyssa! I would like to say a therapist is so much more than someone to tell you if you have Gender issue's. They provide information about the process of transition and problems or issues you may not think about. They provide letters for other medical providers such as HRT, SRS and letters to carry to avoid trouble when using bathrooms or locker rooms for your gender identity. I was in the medical field for 28 years as a front line provider and thought I knew everything about transition, wrong. I have learned so much and found out about future issues I would face in transition. They are a valuable resource and should be used if nothing else but to have someone supportive to listen when things don't go so well. I plan too use mine even past GRS. 

[suzifrommd]

The main question I have is "Am I truly a transgender?".

A trans friend of mine has pointed out that cisgendered people don't spend time wondering about their gender, pretty much EVER.

Many trans women don't feel they can say "I am a woman inside". I've been happily living full  time as a woman for the past seven months, am thrilled with my transition, and I STILL don't feel like a woman inside. (Doesn't really matter. I'm where I want to be.)

IMO, any male-bodied person who can say "I  have dreamed of being a woman off and on since I was in elementary school" will have a hard time convincing me they are not transgender.

Welcome to Susan's. This is an excellent place to explore the questions you ask.

[peky]

Trans dude stepping in here, hi Alyssa and welcome. I think you are going to get a lot of comments here saying speak to a gender therapist, and that is completely OK and a great way to deal with it, but because people give this answer a lot I thought I'd just mention a different route. Tbh I didn't even realise "gender therapy" was a thing that existed and people went to until I started frequenting these forums quite some time after I actually transitioned.

I remember putting all this effort into figure out my identity and feeling confused and angry when I didn't get any answers. One night I accepted that it is OK for this to be confusing and I shouldn't try to force the issue, I should just take as much time as I need. I woke up the next morning knowing I was a guy and transitioning was something I needed to do pretty immediately. I think half of it is that transitioning seems so difficult sometimes we keep asking ourselves if we are sure this is right hoping we'll get the answer "no" which never comes for obvious reasons.

My own experience taught me that a "just do it" approach is sometimes best for dealing with gender stuff. Not necessarily hunting for answers, but experiences. Find a loved one you feel it is safe to be honest with and tell them you are questioning your identity. If you think wearing women's clothes and makeup sounds awesome go wear women's clothes and makeup. Don't feel you have to justify these things by categorizing yourself one way or another. If the loved one you have chosen to confide in is really awesome you could even get them to use the pronouns and name of your choosing, just for a day so you can see how it fits.

If you're not sure then there is nothing wrong with testing the water. You have very little to lose and a lot to gain.

I second Sir Wafflinton... In all my journey I saw a psychiatrist for half an hour so as to get my HRT letter.

Here is a test for you:
How do you feel when you dress up in female clothing ?
How do you feel when people call you "sir, dude, man, guy, etc, ?
Have you ever cross dress in public, and have been called ma'am, her, she....How did you feel?
If there was a magic pill that would transform your body into a female body, how long would you wait till you take it?


Peky

[peky]

A trans friend of mine has pointed out that cisgendered people don't spend time wondering about their gender, pretty much EVER.

IMO, any male-bodied person who can say "I  have dreamed of being a woman off and on since I was in elementary school" will have a hard time convincing me they are not transgender.

Pretty much nailed down... game over!  ... well done Suzi!

[Alyssa446]

How do you feel when you dress up in female clothing ?
How do you feel when people call you "sir, dude, man, guy, etc, ?
Have you ever cross dress in public, and have been called ma'am, her, she....How did you feel?
If there was a magic pill that would transform your body into a female body, how long would you wait till you take it?

I enjoy it.
I am used to it.
Both embarassed and a little excited at the same time (never done outside of games though)
However long it takes to get said pill and go through whatever means I could to continue my life, though certainly taking the pill.

[MaryXYX]

I didn't know there was such a thing as a gender therapist until after transition either.  I was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety problems, and the first time I went as myself - that is as female - and got to the end of the session and realised: "Oh ->-bleeped-<-, I'm going to have to change back to 'him' now", it was game over for me.  Can you try something like that?

[Cindy]

An alternative view.

When you go to a therapist and ask 'Please make me the man to suit the body I was born into' and they say ' I'm sorry I can't change your brain, but we can change your body to match your brain' How will you feel?

[JoanneB]

I can fully sympathize with over-thinking things. Except in my case I tend to trust my thoughts since it also enable me to make to make the big $$$. The only hitch is thinking or knowing what to do about ME never tended to work out good. I suspect because I was NEVER really really trying to be me, untill the last 4 years.

Untill then I relied on my best friends, Distractions, Diversions, and Denial when it came to me and my deep down shameful and guilty feelings. Wierd since back in my early 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice I said it's not for me. (Actually I wasn't up to the task for a host of physical and emotional baggage reasons)

Although, if you go by Peky's test, I would score big time affirmative on the transgender, even transsexual, for the longest time, decades, I opted to push thru. I tried, and failed my transition testing. So what changed? The excrement hitting the air handler once more, big time. I was forced to take a good long hard look at my life and actually really think about it.

What really turned my life around was finding a TG support group. For me local was some 90 miles away. I had avoided any group in the past because most were CD focused. This one had mainly TS's making up the core. I was totally unprepared for the feelings I experienced being in a living room hearing others share almost the exact same life as my own.

Back to more thinking... By the third meeting I knew I had to be there. I also knew my old friends of Distractions, Diversions and Denial were not my friends.

Four years later all I know for sure (which is no real news) is that I am trans. I also achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. I still have no clear feel as to whether I NEED to do that all the time. Yet part-time also takes it toll. Transitioning, especially at this point in my life, may bear a cost I cannot afford. Yet, what is the cost to my life if I don't?

Only I can ultimately answer those questions. Just as only you can answer yours. Going to group helps me a lot. Seeing a regular therapist for all my baggage helped. Now being able to see a gender therapist is helping. As well as helping bring out more questions, more thinking.

[Taylortots]

Trans dude stepping in here, hi Alyssa and welcome. I think you are going to get a lot of comments here saying speak to a gender therapist, and that is completely OK and a great way to deal with it, but because people give this answer a lot I thought I'd just mention a different route. Tbh I didn't even realise "gender therapy" was a thing that existed and people went to until I started frequenting these forums quite some time after I actually transitioned.

I remember putting all this effort into figure out my identity and feeling confused and angry when I didn't get any answers. One night I accepted that it is OK for this to be confusing and I shouldn't try to force the issue, I should just take as much time as I need. I woke up the next morning knowing I was a guy and transitioning was something I needed to do pretty immediately. I think half of it is that transitioning seems so difficult sometimes we keep asking ourselves if we are sure this is right hoping we'll get the answer "no" which never comes for obvious reasons.

My own experience taught me that a "just do it" approach is sometimes best for dealing with gender stuff. Not necessarily hunting for answers, but experiences. Find a loved one you feel it is safe to be honest with and tell them you are questioning your identity. If you think wearing women's clothes and makeup sounds awesome go wear women's clothes and makeup. Don't feel you have to justify these things by categorizing yourself one way or another. If the loved one you have chosen to confide in is really awesome you could even get them to use the pronouns and name of your choosing, just for a day so you can see how it fits.

If you're not sure then there is nothing wrong with testing the water. You have very little to lose and a lot to gain.

Hey you, I can't thumb up, but just thought I'd say that your post vibes SO much with me. Thank you.

[Alyssa446]

Thank you all for your advice.  You are all wonderful people and I'm glad to have found this place.