Why, why, why did I deny myself this for so long??? (Not a rant...)

[Ms Grace]

Yesterday was my first public outing as Grace, and as I mentioned elsewhere it went great! I wasn't (overly) nervous about being read and got no odd looks. I felt liberated for the first time ever. It just felt so right, like I was me for the first time ever and I was euphoric for hours afterwards, even after changing back to guy mode for work. And I have to ask myself why I denied this to myself for so many years?

It's a rhetorical question of course since I kind of know the answer. Thing is, this wasn't my first time out as a woman. During my first attempt at transition I went out many times as Julie, solo and with friends. I can't say I really remember many, if any, of those moments feeling like yesterday did. That first attempt went so seriously pear shaped (in my head) that I pretty much ruled out any further attempts as sheer folly. If I'm being honest with myself though I started to reconsider it some ten years ago.

I'm glad I am where I am now, no point in regrets or self blame, but it is a shame I denied this to myself so much longer than I could have.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Hhhm the reason I didnt came out sooner was propably fear and also that I didnt quite understand what was going on...but fear was the main reason...

I dont know if it was the same for you grace, but I remember feeling really bad about being transgender , cause all of the racism and marginalization...
I had no one to tell me that its gonna be ok, I was just alone and scared and I didnt came out until the thought was literally unbearable...

[katiej]

Good for you, Grace!  I bet you feel pretty jazzed about yourself.

In my case, I would have transitioned in my early 20's if it had seemed even remotely possible.  It was the late 90's and the information was just not as available as it is today.  I knew other people were doing it, but I never really made the connection that it was something I could do.

Fast forward a few years (I'm 36 now), and for the first time in my life transition actually seems doable.  I get all giddy every time I think I might actually be able to pull this off. 

I look back, and although I'm sad I missed out on my younger years as a woman, I don't think I could have transitioned well in my early 20's.  I'm not broke anymore.  My wife is more understanding than she would have been initially (that darn religious upbringing), and she wants to stick with me.  And of course my children would never have been born.  So I'm actually glad I waited a bit.

But I can't wait for the day that I can go outside and be me just like you did, Grace.  That's so awesome!

[Ms Grace]

Yes, I think a lot of things have changed in my life that have made a huge difference... having a good job and stable accommodation certainly helps.

[oh hai!]

Way to go Grace, that's a magical step

[Rachel]

Grace, I am happy for you and can only imagine how good it feels, hugs.

I have asked the same question to my therapist the past year about so many things. She keeps saying you are strong and overcoming a lot of obstacles and do what you can when you can. Do not beat yourself up for something you could not do, you are doing what you can now.

[Joanna Dark]

If Ilived in the UK I woulda transitioned on June 4 2000. When I turned 18. But I coulda paid for everything back in 2008 and didn't cause I was busy killing myself. And everyone just knew I was trans. Or intersexed. Or both. I told therapists. Got put on anti-psychotics. Oh, no, wait, my pscychologist just tried to bone me. So maybe I should have. Woulda got hormones. Just a little sucky sucky. No biggie.

It is true what Katies said in the late 90s the info was not there. Neither was it in 200. Kids dont know how lucky they are. I woulda self-medded if I knew I could have. I know that's wrong and all but at least I wouldnt have wasted my 20s in a stupor or thinking of new ways to kill myself. And when I say that I dont mean the whiney oh I want to die. I mean the lock myself in the bathroom, slash my wrists open and get 302'd kind of thoughts.

If I can ask you a question Grace, why did you stop? You were on them like a year? What happened? It could help some others here cause I all the sudden thought of stopping yesterday and was thinking being a dude wouldnt be so bad. What am I doing?

[Ms Grace]

Way to go Grace, that's a magical step

Thanks hon, one small step...

Grace, I am happy for you and can only imagine how good it feels, hugs.

I have asked the same question to my therapist the past year about so many things. She keeps saying you are strong and overcoming a lot of obstacles and do what you can when you can. Do not beat yourself up for something you could not do, you are doing what you can now.

I was beating myself up about it until midway through last year, fortunately my wonderful gender counsellor was able to help me see it wasn't a failure and neither was I - stopping transition was almost a self preservation, I doubt I would have been able to continue it without something snapping.

If Ilived in the UK I woulda transitioned on June 4 2000. When I turned 18. But I coulda paid for everything back in 2008 and didn't cause I was busy killing myself. And everyone just knew I was trans. Or intersexed. Or both. I told therapists. Got put on anti-psychotics. Oh, no, wait, my pscychologist just tried to bone me. So maybe I should have. Woulda got hormones. Just a little sucky sucky. No biggie.

It is true what Katies said in the late 90s the info was not there. Neither was it in 200. Kids dont know how lucky they are. I woulda self-medded if I knew I could have. I know that's wrong and all but at least I wouldnt have wasted my 20s in a stupor or thinking of new ways to kill myself. And when I say that I dont mean the whiney oh I want to die. I mean the lock myself in the bathroom, slash my wrists open and get 302'd kind of thoughts.

If I can ask you a question Grace, why did you stop? You were on them like a year? What happened? It could help some others here cause I all the sudden thought of stopping yesterday and was thinking being a dude wouldnt be so bad. What am I doing?

Transition is tough, there's no doubt about it. Doing it when there are other problems in life to sort out too just increases the difficulty factor significantly. Even though I knew it was what I wanted and needed I had many doubts about whether it would work. I went about my first transition very methodically, no rash decisions. I had many supportive friends but I never voiced my doubts to any of them for fear it would be proof I wasn't really trans*, likewise I didn't tell my shrink and those doubts just kept growing. The HRT made me very emotional and I was blaming the universe for everything, I was angry and unable to express it to anyone. If I could pin the reason on my decision to stop my first transition it was because I didn't have enough of the right kind of supports in place - I was lost, alone and frightened and felt I had no one to turn to. The more I was passable, the more compliments I got, the less I believed I was trans*. I was pretty messed up. It pains me but I did the right thing for myself by stopping that attempt, it saved my life and gave me the opportunity to put a lot of other things in my life right. Some of that involved self denial about being trans* but included massive work on my emotional well being, to be self sufficient but giving me the ability to ask when I needed help.