Should I bother?

[Curious]

Male 23.6, 5' 6"
I have wanted to be a girl since I was 4. I didnt realize it until I was 10.  At 11 or 12 I developed puffy nippled and was effeminate.  strongly desired to change sex at 13. I have always been a coward about this and have always been afraid of telling anyone. I have also only liked guys since I was 16, but my sex  drive is low. I dated one guy for a year when I was 19. Im still a virgin and have been alone since. I spent a year homeless and I slept on park benches and under brides. Anyway, Ive been poor my whole life and I cant fit in with anyone. At this point I feel suicide is my best option. I did tell my ex BF 4 years ago that I wanted to be a woman and he said he would kick me out and it would be over.

Well, I have spent the last couple years scraping by and paying rent. Im so miserable that my face has become aged from stress and my hairline has receded a few inches at the temples. Im hideous. If only I had the resources and the courage to transition when I was younger.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

You still have plenty of time. I didn't start my transition until I was 29. Just get the ball rolling.

[insideontheoutside]

Male 23.6, 5' 6"
I have wanted to be a girl since I was 4. I didnt realize it until I was 10.  At 11 or 12 I developed puffy nippled and was effeminate.  strongly desired to change sex at 13. I have always been a coward about this and have always been afraid of telling anyone. I have also only liked guys since I was 16, but my sex  drive is low. I dated one guy for a year when I was 19. Im still a virgin and have been alone since. I spent a year homeless and I slept on park benches and under brides. Anyway, Ive been poor my whole life and I cant fit in with anyone. At this point I feel suicide is my best option. I did tell my ex BF 4 years ago that I wanted to be a woman and he said he would kick me out and it would be over.

Well, I have spent the last couple years scraping by and paying rent. Im so miserable that my face has become aged from stress and my hairline has receded a few inches at the temples. Im hideous. If only I had the resources and the courage to transition when I was younger.

You're not alone. I've seen similar stories to yours all over these boards. There's also people on here who transition well after their 30s.

Is there anything small you can do to help in the way of feeling a little better such as wearing an article of female clothing, painting your toenails ... you know things that wouldn't cause too much attention, but are things that bring out the real you. Talking with people on here can definitely help too. And if you really do feel suicidal, do get some help or call one of the numbers listed on the boards here. Life is short enough as is it. I've been at very low points in my own life where I didn't feel like it was worth continuing, but I made it through and am damn glad I stuck around because there were much better things in store for me.

[Curious]

My body isnt that bad. My shoulders got wider in the last year. I dont know how, but I didnt notice until last month. Anyway Im concerned about my face. Its very dark and unfriendly and has scars on it from a a few accidents as a child. To stop new xhanges as its disgusting me.

[Jamie D]

1.  You don't need a BF who stifles your ability to express yourself.
2.  There is nothing that nature has done that can't be corrected.  You would be amazed that what some of our members have done just on HRT.  Check out the Before & After topic.
3.  Self-medication can be dangerous.  Even spiro, which was developed as a diuretic, can have adverse side effects.  We always recommend that anyone embarking on cross-hormone therapy, have  medical advice.  You may live near a Planned Parenthood, or informed consent clinic, that provides some of these services on a as-you-can-pay basis.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I will tell you right now that is a very bad idea. Spiro is usually ramped up over a series of months. There is a reason why self-medding is considered a bad idea.

I've been there, done that myself and it screwed me up. I thought I knew what I was doing as well: I was wrong.

Go see an actual doctor. There is no need to treat yourself as a lab rat.

[Curious]

I dont have the money for a doctor to do blood tests. Im in ND oil boom town and I highly doubt there is a free transgender doc anywhere remotely located in this town Im in. Being here is the only way I will raise money for my transition. I dont think I have a choice until I can raise enough money. Its either a sink or swim for me.

[V M]

Hi Curious 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

I feel for your plight and wish you all the best, but we have rules regarding HRT located in the Site Terms of Service and rules to live by located in the announcements area

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hugs

V M

[Curious]

Oh ok. I didnt know my picture was too big. Sorry about that.

[V M]

Actually, I was mainly talking about the rules regarding HRT

8. The discussion of hormone replacement therapy(HRT) and it's medications are permitted, with the following limitations:
A. You may not advocate for or against a specific medication or combinations of medication for personal gain. This is strictly prohibited.
B. You may not discuss the means to acquire HRT medications without a prescription. The discussion of self medication without a doctors supervision is prohibited.
C. The discussion of recommended or actual dosages is strongly discouraged to prevent information obtained on this site from being used to self medicate.
We can not in good conscience condone the self administering of these medications. Not only may self medication be illegal, but HRT medications can cause serious health problems, and many have the potential for life-threatening side effects that can only be detected and prevented with proper medical supervision.

[Jamie D]

Im still a virgin and have been alone since. I spent a year homeless and I slept on park benches and under brides.

On my honeymoon, I slept both under, over, and beside a bride.  Does that count?   

Get your education and start a career.  That's how you break the cycle of poverty.

I dont have the money for a doctor to do blood tests. Im in ND oil boom town and I highly doubt there is a free transgender doc anywhere remotely located in this town Im in. Being here is the only way I will raise money for my transition. I dont think I have a choice until I can raise enough money. Its either a sink or swim for me.

I hear they are paying pretty good money there, but housing is a problem.  And yeah, maybe Williston would have a GP who does HRT.

Try seeking referrals from the North Dakota LGBT community on FaceBook

https://www.facebook.com/NDLGBT

[Curious]

The money should be enough for minor things like hair removal and future doctor visits(if i find one here.) I wont be making the big bucks if I become physically weaker and would prefer to avoid gaining more muscle mass. I still make more than in other states 14-20 minimum wage. As for education, I. am beginning to learn web development on my spare time. Html, html5, css, javascript etc. I justneed to go back to school for math. Then I hope to move back to CA.

Sorry about my typos, too. I've been typing on my phone this whole time.

[Arch]

Sorry about my typos, too. I've been typing on my phone this whole time.

You should see the texts I get from my students. Now, those are shocking.

I agree with the others. You have much to live for, and simply taking a small step forward can be immensely liberating and uplifting. You can do this.

P.S. You may think that your face is beyond repair, but I've seen some gals get very nice results from hormones alone, and facial surgery can yield incredible results.

[E-Brennan]

Should you bother?

Well, if it's going to be a bother, then no.  I don't think transitioning is something that can be approached half-assed or with an Eeyore-like attitude.  It's hard work.

But I don't think that's what you're asking.  So I'll answer the question I do think you're asking.

Yes, you should pursue this.  If your life is so miserable that you feel suicide is your best option, then you have nothing to lose.  There are resources out there, even in the middle of redneck right-wing land.  You'd be surprised who is in the same boat as you.

So take a deep breath and calm down.  You're young, you're not huge, and the hair?  I'd kill for your hair!  Worst case scenario, you'll wear a cute wig like many of us (and like so many cis-women do, and you'd never know it.)  Time is still on your side.

You have so much going for you right now.  And we'll do whatever we can to support you.  But relax, read some of the stories on this site, and you'll begin to realize that you're not alone, you're not unusual, and your life is truly worth living. 

The day you decide to live your life for yourself and not for anyone else will be one of your happiest.

[Jamie D]

The money should be enough for minor things like hair removal and future doctor visits(if i find one here.) I wont be making the big bucks if I become physically weaker and would prefer to avoid gaining more muscle mass. I still make more than in other states 14-20 minimum wage. As for education, I. am beginning to learn web development on my spare time. Html, html5, css, javascript etc. I justneed to go back to school for math. Then I hope to move back to CA.

Sorry about my typos, too. I've been typing on my phone this whole time.

Sounds like a plan!  Good job.