Who else has grown tired of explanations?

[Sybil]

Being a trans woman means you almost inevitably know something about feminism. About how women are just human beings, as men are, and have no particular constraints or hard and fast rules to define them. So when I find myself explaining things to people who want to learn or know, I encounter a frustrating paradox: explaining my womanhood without using any definitions for womanhood, because there are none.

It's that expectation people have where they want you to like girly things or have girly mannerisms. Even though I readily have those things, I find myself avoiding their acknowledgement when the topic comes up with other people. I refuse to acknowledge that I collect beautiful, colorful ornaments. I refuse to point out that I have an impressive weakness for fairies. I refuse to mention that I follow many social quirks associated with women. I refuse to share that I romantically prefer men. I refuse to be as readily affectionate as I really am. I do this because I have grown frustrated and tired with people needing some sort of easily understood, but impressively formal, format for what it means to be a girl or woman. It feels demeaning. None of these things are exclusive or inclusive to women.

I also refuse to share that I love video games. I refuse to point out that I prefer male friends. I refuse to let my analytic, sharp-witted side through. I do this because I feel that, just as easily as superficially feminine traits can enable my validity as a woman, so can superficially masculine traits disable my validity as a woman. It really saddens me that it seems so easy to lose female credibility when you mention masculine likes; for every one masculine trait or affinity you exhibit, you seemingly must also exhibit three feminine likenesses to offset that masculine magnetism in other people's eyes. I do not need to tell the choir that this feels wholly unfair; this rule does not apply to most women, who get to keep their perceived womanhood if they enjoy hunting, or contact sports, or even the romantic company of other women.

I run from the masculine polarity because I lose ground, and I shelter the feminine polarity because I refuse to deliver false meaning. The only explanation I am left with is "this is what makes me happy. I'm uncomfortable otherwise" -- or, if I'm feeling sassy, "I just REALLY like getting shot with lasers and stabbed in horrifying places. My life is kind of an action movie."

Unfortunately, simple answers are rarely good enough for people. I'm so tired of explanations.

[stephaniec]

the feeling of estrogen flowing through my veins rather then T is enough for me

[suzifrommd]

I have a variety of answers.

Sometimes I'll give them something like Stephanie: "I probably have more estrogen and less testosterone than you do."

Sometimes I'll give them transgender 101: "Transgender means I have a piece of my brain that tells me I need to be a woman."

Sometimes I'll give the defensive reply: "Women come in all shape and sizes and have a variety of experience. I may not be what you imagine when you think of a woman, but neither are many of the women in this world."

But in reality, I don't actually know that I am a woman.

What really matters is that I INSIST that people treat me as a woman: Use my correct name, pronouns, speak to me as you would a woman, etc.

[Beth Andrea]

The things one does, or likes, simply have no explanation. They are what they are...yes, girls tend to like pretty things (and fairy miniatures), but some men do too.

The only thing I feel I have to explain is "why am I trans?"...because I see that as an educatable moment, to help a person understand one aspect of "why".

[JRD]

I don't put any effort into explaining myself to people irl. Its not really needed in my opinion. I am as I am and the whys, wherefores and such simply don't much matter.

[Tessa James]

We are too often challenged about "what a woman is" in a tedious backhand effort to invalidate our lives.  having lived a long time, raising a daughter and working in a female dominated profession it is clear to me that there are infinite kinds of women.  We can also be educated about history and recognize the cultural perspectives of what women have been and how we are seen.  We can be grateful for those queries when folks really are seeking knowledge but too often this is an exclusionary effort.  "You're not a real woman because...." fill in the blank.

When folks point out some incongruities in their perspective of the woman they think i should be it has become my pleasure to encourage them to go be just exactly the woman they want.  I'm going to be my authentic self and the girl that may yet consider herself a woman.

[Hikari]

I find that it would be quite nice at times to be stealth just so that I didn't have to explain it. The why is the toughest part, people seem to always ask "Why would you Choose to do this"? I mean it isn't so much of a choice I feel but that seems to be quite hard to understand to people. Moreover, people seem to also stuck on the idea that I am going to go be with men. I try to explain to them that sexuality isn't the same thing as gender, women can be with women or men, or both there isn't some sort of rule there.

I have to admit my male friends often tend to not take this seriously, and no matter what I say seem to believe that as soon as I have SRS I am either going to be Bi or Straight; rather than continue a lesbian sexuality. I have a tough time explaining to them, that I would gladly date men if I actually were attracted to them, but I am not I have tried to be but I am not. The thing is, people who have just met me, will ask questions like this, as if my sexuality is somehow an open topic of discussion because of being transgender.

Perhaps I should just carry around a pamphlet or something that describes what being transgender is and also explains how sexuality orientation can be anywhere regardless of gender.

[Aina]

I don't think you should worry, plenty of girls plays video games, have mostly male friends and enjoy sharp witness.

I think we are at a point of time were we as a people are starting to understand that feminine and masculine are not so black and white.

I think also people will always have expectations for you, regardless of who they are. People see people and expect them to be a certain way. For example a big biker guy with a long bearded and tattoos most will expect him to be mean or gruff. When in reality he could be the worlds biggest teddy bear.

I think what will help over all for everyone is if more trans women show how diverse and different they are that we all don't fit in the same mold.

-shrug-

[Oriah]

Why not just stop offering explanations......instead of explaining your womanhood, just be the woman that you are.

[suzifrommd]

Why not just stop offering explanations......instead of explaining your womanhood, just be the woman that you are.

Because what people think of Trans women matters. In many countries public policy follows public opinion.

Therefore I see it as worthwhile to educate people as to why we're doing what we're doing. It's a prerequisite for more favorable policies toward us.

[Oriah]

Because what people think of Trans women matters. In many countries public policy follows public opinion.

Therefore I see it as worthwhile to educate people as to why we're doing what we're doing. It's a prerequisite for more favorable policies toward us.

the less I focus on being trans, the more people identify me as a woman, not a trans woman.  I don't want to be treated as some rare and exotic gender subclass, so I don't promote myself as such.  I'm not stealth, I just don't make a big deal out of being trans.  I'm a girl, and I live as such

[Sybil]

the less I focus on being trans, the more people identify me as a woman, not a trans woman.  I don't want to be treated as some rare and exotic gender subclass, so I don't promote myself as such.  I'm not stealth, I just don't make a big deal out of being trans.  I'm a girl, and I live as such

I'm totally okay with the stuff I like, though I appreciate the encouragement. My post was more about how much of a bother it is to try to educate curious people because anything we say about being a woman is so sensitive and easy to abuse or misinterpret.

the less I focus on being trans, the more people identify me as a woman, not a trans woman.  I don't want to be treated as some rare and exotic gender subclass, so I don't promote myself as such.  I'm not stealth, I just don't make a big deal out of being trans.  I'm a girl, and I live as such

I don't promote myself, either. But people who get to know me ask, and I don't want them to get the wrong idea of what trans women are. It's an education thing. I also don't want to give people a negative view of trans women by being bitter and sarcastic. I'm totally okay with answering questions. It just gets old to try and explain it to people because we are fairly rare and there is such little education out there.

[Oriah]

I'm totally okay with the stuff I like, though I appreciate the encouragement. My post was more about how much of a bother it is to try to educate curious people because anything we say about being a woman is so sensitive and easy to abuse or misinterpret.
I don't promote myself, either. But people who get to know me ask, and I don't want them to get the wrong idea of what trans women are. It's an education thing. I also don't want to give people a negative view of trans women by being bitter and sarcastic. I'm totally okay with answering questions. It just gets old to try and explain it to people because we are fairly rare and there is such little education out there.

I guess when that sort of thing happens, I tend to go for incredibly simple answers....the more complicated the answer, the more pitfalls there seem to be.  I say something about how I used to live as a male, and how now I am living as female, the way I always wanted to.....and when people try to say "but you aren't super feminine...." I just point out how many cisgirls aren't really all that feminine either...

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm going the other way but I get it. I used to get into long explanations and discussions but I'm at the point now where I'm like "it is what it is." I tell them I'm a guy now (I always was, but you know how people are...) and that's it. Interests and behaviours be damned.

[Ms Grace]

For the last twenty plus years I've had to explain to people why I'm vegetarian... not the same thing exactly, I know, but wow does it get boring!! If I could get away with having to explain anything about being trans* I would, but I agree the education element of it is important. That's why I'm still vego and explaining why I guess!

[Emily.T]

So why are you vego Grace lol.   Sorry I just couldn't resist

I don't do much explaining to ppl I just tell them i'm trans and happy with that so that's all that matters to me-

Hugs

Emily.T xx

[Sheala]

the largest problem is there is no cookie cutter answer as to what a woman is. prime example, my mother, ciswoman likes to hunt, fish, farm, and even cut wood for fires, loves roses, and humming birds. my aunt, biker, as tomboyish as you can get with out going butch. then there is my sister, not bress and make up girly however there is no tomboy there.

the best and only deffination that matters is yours. what makes you feel good about your self. for me, its the E, the breasts, the pronoun and the treatment. I dont need all the girly, girl clothes, wouldnt turn them down but i dont need them to feel good.

[Carol2000]

I find that it would be quite nice at times to be stealth just so that I didn't have to explain it.

Funny, a trans friend of mine said the same thing only yesterday. Stealth on this forum seems to have different meanings -- so, just to be clear, I'm talking about 24/7 stealth, as in living and working female without anyone knowing my past.

I have done this for more years than I care to remember. I am very careful and will never put my photo on a forum (hence the avatar), just in case a work colleague stumbles across it (me, paranoid?)

Never had a problem, touch wood! But there have been times when I've wondered what it would be like to be open about it, so it has been interesting reading the posts on this thread.

I transitioned at work, but then moved on and into stealth. I'm having a great life as the real me and have never been out of work, so I'm not about to change it now. I think I'll stay the way I am, thankyou.

Caroline

[Adam (birkin)]

For the last twenty plus years I've had to explain to people why I'm vegetarian... not the same thing exactly, I know, but wow does it get boring!! If I could get away with having to explain anything about being trans* I would, but I agree the education element of it is important. That's why I'm still vego and explaining why I guess!

Good point, people often do want explanations about anything they see as different. You know though, the fact that people have so many questions and concerns about vegetarianism is mind-boggling to me. Like...they're seriously concerned about what another person chooses to eat? (or in the case of vegetarianism, not eat). I guess it's the same with transition, why is anyone concerned what we do with our bodies?

[suzifrommd]

I guess it's the same with transition, why is anyone concerned what we do with our bodies?

Sorry, gotta disagree here.

If I ask you to do something for me- please bring that over here, for example - what you understand about the situation makes all the difference.

If you think I'm too lazy to do it myself, you may bring it to me anyway, but you'll feel put out. Frustrated. Next time I ask you to do something, you'll be much less likely to do it.

But if you know I just had a back operation, you will probably even feel good about helping out, right? Will ask me whether there's something else I need, maybe?

My point? Explanations matter. Understanding matters.

We're asking people accommodate us. To call us by pronouns that at first feel unnatural to them. To cover us at work when we miss time due to surgery. To unremember our old name and remember our new name. They will feel better making the effort if they understand that we're wired to be this way and we're not just doing it for "fun" and want their cooperation.