Coming Out Without Coming Out

[MadeleineG]

Has anyone come out at work gradually, acting publicly as if nothing is going on, without formally explaining, warning, or advising their coworkers/workplace?

I'd appreciate hearing people's experiences with this model.

[big kim]

I gradually feminised myself with HRT,electrolysis,long dyed red hair,plucked eyebrows and manicured nails.I got away with it as they assumed it was  something to do with hanging round on the punk and metal scene

[Sarah Rose]

I work online... over the phone so I haven't told anyone yet..

Once my voice is passable I'm planning to come out to the HR department so I can use my voice on calls so I don't get in trouble with the audit department.

[Missy~rmdlm]

My "coming out" was simply stating I was changing my legal name and to use correct pronouns. That was coordinated through HR with a very short letter.

[LordKAT]

Has anyone come out at work gradually, acting publicly as if nothing is going on, without formally explaining, warning, or advising their coworkers/workplace?

I'd appreciate hearing people's experiences with this model.

Exactly what I did. No real issues.

[Cindy]

Same it came to a point that I had polished nails, makeup (foundation and mascara), ear rings tunic dresses and leggings,  female shoes and carrying a handbag.

No one realised until I announced it anyway

[Ms Grace]

I'm half taking this approach. I am gradually feminising without drawing much attention to it (the scene my waxed legs caused at the Xmas party notwithstanding!) but when the moment arrives I'm gonna make a big announcement for sure!

[Rina]

I'm sort of taking that approach, but on campus, not work, since I'm a student.

I started with coming out directly to my parents, best friends, sister and in-law, which went very well. Now, on campus, I'm slowly changing my style - started out with women's jeans, women's boots, etc etc. I'm also of course wearing female underwear on all occasions except when going to the gym - I don't want to risk anything in the locker room. My idea is that by the time I actually transition, people will already know something is up.

I guess the "slowly" part of it just changed, though. I lost my patience today and went to uni with my fake breasts, a dress (but under a cardigan so I can roll it up when I don't want to draw attention) and perfume. I could probably just have gone full girl mode, it's impossible not to notice...

[ConfusedHumanUK]

I'm sort of taking that approach, but on campus, not work, since I'm a student.

I started with coming out directly to my parents, best friends, sister and in-law, which went very well. Now, on campus, I'm slowly changing my style - started out with women's jeans, women's boots, etc etc. I'm also of course wearing female underwear on all occasions except when going to the gym - I don't want to risk anything in the locker room. My idea is that by the time I actually transition, people will already know something is up.

I guess the "slowly" part of it just changed, though. I lost my patience today and went to uni with my fake breasts, a dress (but under a cardigan so I can roll it up when I don't want to draw attention) and perfume. I could probably just have gone full girl mode, it's impossible not to notice...

Wow! I don't know how people have the courage to do that - seriously, well done, I envy you! Seriously, don't you get scared going full-girl?

[Rina]

Wow! I don't know how people have the courage to do that - seriously, well done, I envy you! Seriously, don't you get scared going full-girl?

Thanks I did get scared, but then I wasn't completely "all out" either, since my outer jacket is male, so I can hide things beneath that. And I didn't wear makeup. But still, I was a bit self-conscious. The people sitting in the same studying/reading room as me were bound to notice. But people here are very polite and mind their own businesses, so I haven't received so much as a comment this far.

It's actually kind of addicting; I'm finding it hard to revert, even temporarily. Today, I was dressed even more feminine, to a spoken exam. Still no makeup, though. I only opened my outer jacket without taking it off to avoid getting any attention to how I was dressed, but it was visible for sure. Generally, weird clothing is a bad idea during spoken exams, but I was too nervous and worked up and didn't feel prepared. And dressing female helps calm me down. I was still nervous about whether it would affect the professors' perception of my performance, though. But I got an A! Seems my professors are of the tolerant kind

In any case, I'm finding I like this "gradual" approach. I give acquaintances and classmates the chance to realize something serious is up (I mean, I'm past the point of "some guys dress like that" now), while not shocking them by transitioning overnight. Prepared people are better than shocked people.

[Aina]

Thanks I did get scared, but then I wasn't completely "all out" either, since my outer jacket is male, so I can hide things beneath that. And I didn't wear makeup. But still, I was a bit self-conscious. The people sitting in the same studying/reading room as me were bound to notice. But people here are very polite and mind their own businesses, so I haven't received so much as a comment this far.

It's actually kind of addicting; I'm finding it hard to revert, even temporarily. Today, I was dressed even more feminine, to a spoken exam. Still no makeup, though. I only opened my outer jacket without taking it off to avoid getting any attention to how I was dressed, but it was visible for sure. Generally, weird clothing is a bad idea during spoken exams, but I was too nervous and worked up and didn't feel prepared. And dressing female helps calm me down. I was still nervous about whether it would affect the professors' perception of my performance, though. But I got an A! Seems my professors are of the tolerant kind

In any case, I'm finding I like this "gradual" approach. I give acquaintances and classmates the chance to realize something serious is up (I mean, I'm past the point of "some guys dress like that" now), while not shocking them by transitioning overnight. Prepared people are better than shocked people.

That is how feel completed addicted, this winter I started shaving my legs since I can hide them over long pants, but I found myself not wanting to let my leg hair ever grow out again. It is funny, once spring and summer comes around, if I haven't come out by then....I am going to have to.

[kellypatrick]

That is how feel completed addicted, this winter I started shaving my legs since I can hide them over long pants, but I found myself not wanting to let my leg hair ever grow out again. It is funny, once spring and summer comes around, if I haven't come out by then....I am going to have to.

Not really now a days a lot of men shave their legs. Even when with my girlfriend I shaved them explained that is something I did when I swam in high school when I swam and I like how it feels and look instead of the forest that was growing on my legs.

[Jamie D]

That is how feel completed addicted, this winter I started shaving my legs since I can hide them over long pants, but I found myself not wanting to let my leg hair ever grow out again. It is funny, once spring and summer comes around, if I haven't come out by then....I am going to have to.

Aina, my personal experience was that I did not have a great deal of torso or leg hair to begin with.  The AA I was on for six months (not Spironlactone, not Androcur) did an exceptional job in "killing" off a lot of what was there.  It has an on-label application for treating hirsutism as well as blocking T.

I shave a few stragglers on my legs about once per month.  I have found no one ever notices my legs anyway.

[Arcee]

This is pretty much what I've been doing at work as well: about half of my wardrobe comes from the "pink" side of the store (jeans, button-up shirts, etc), while remaining somewhat androgynous. My hair is shoulder-length and usually up in a ponytail, and I carry a nondescript purse. I've been shaving my legs for years (my excuse is that I'm a cyclist), and nobody bats an eye. In fact, so far nobody has said anything, although as HRT's effects become more obvious, I fully expect to have to make some kind of announcement.

[Rina]

That is how feel completed addicted, this winter I started shaving my legs since I can hide them over long pants, but I found myself not wanting to let my leg hair ever grow out again. It is funny, once spring and summer comes around, if I haven't come out by then....I am going to have to.

As has been pointed out by others, shaving your legs isn't necessarily a giveaway - people do it for all kinds of reasons; sports, comfort, cosmetic, etc. I worried about this the first time I went to the gym and had to shower after I started shaving, but no one has commented on it at all.

I think I'll switch to waxing soon since shaving is tedious and annoying. I wonder if waxing will be more noticed than shaving?

So far, so good on all of that.  I thought changing my gender on my FB account would cause a landslide of posts and PMs, no such thing.  It turns out that one's gender isn't actually displayed except on rare occasions in certain messages, it could be easily overlooked there.  Meh, maybe it's just not as big of a deal as we think!

I simply hid my gender, since I'm not ready to risk changing it yet. One thing is people whispering because I dress "weird", another thing is being outed on Facebook. I'm not yet sure how my more remote acquaintances will react, and sadly most of them are on FB.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Currently im doing what Rina does 

Im going to classes with a more feminine approach,,,make up ,perfume, hair etc
Also I dont use my given name but a similar genderless...
frankly I dont know what people think,,,im pretty sure though that they see me as gay feminine guy rather than trans... it just doesnt cross their mind,,,i dunno,,,
when i feel ok with myself I plan on going as a girl

btw since you are talking about shaved legs let me tell you when I had mine shaved as a guy people would look at them aaaaaaaaaaaaall the time...I dont know why ,,,just sayin

[Aina]

I suppose just how I am I worry about everything, and I've always had very very hairy legs, everywhere else on my body not so much, but my legs and sadly my "feet" have been. So I feel it would at very least raise question, so maybe it will give me just enough courage to come out....

Anyway Gwynne this is the new method I've been going at, slowly accepting myself, slowly itching forward - I've been contemplating how I can drop hints with out fully coming out. Since I tried to come out again just last night and I froze. Had it all planed out too, but when came to the time I some how wormed my way out of saying it. So I suppose I need to attack this problem from a different way.

[DiDi]

This has been my modus operandi over the past 6 months - stealth makeup, shaving all but the nether region, gradually thinning my brows, wearing only tights and capris to Jazzercise, and wearing moreP and more metrosexual style as I thin out and need to replace clothing. My SO hasn't remarked on it but it should be becoming more obvious. It is definitely the lead up to coming out of the closet with her and the DDs.

[JaneNicole2013]

Here's what I've done:

- Added more color to my wardrobe (from white and blue shirts to blue, purple, and pink).
- Growing hair long and playing around with style.
- Painted fingernails with clear nail polish.
- Shaved by sideburns.
- Got new glass (male glasses > unisex).
- Changed posture and mannerisms.
- Wearing more unisex jewelry.

I call my transition self "Jayne" and while "Jayne" doesn't go to work often, she's there more and more each day.

[Joan]

This is what I'm doing too, Gwynne.

Although admittedly I only started HRT 3 weeks ago, since I came out to my partner 3 months ago I haven't had a haircut, I lost my beard shield and around 6kg in weight. People say I look different but not that much and never followed by silences bidding me to share more.

I'm 45 so I don't really expect the hormones to have that much effect on me anyway. People are also likely to notice much less than our own obsessiveness about every closed up face pore or extra 1cm of breast growth.

Being noticed would be some kind of affirmation actually