I figure, the best way for me to get what I need to say out is with, a poem. (I don't care if it doesn't rhyme or whatever. lol)
When I realized the truth that I'm MtF I knew people wouldn't understand and my life could be in danger if I wasn't careful, so I hide the truth for as long as I could, during that time I suffered greatly including depression and even had some suicidal thoughts but never acted on them and mainly was just wishing and picturing a car hitting me, then, I came out, I started going out as my true self in public and, while difficult at first, I loved it, all that suppression, fear etc. was lifted mostly and the suicidal thoughts had stopped. I even came out at work, thought it would work out, so far, it only half worked out... Now, after so many talks with the people who I came out too, after what's happened so far at work, and after knowing that, I probably will not be able to transition any time soon (We're talking 5-10 years if I'm lucky) if at ever (Yes I do have my doubts it'll ever happen), and after having made so much progress and wanting to make more, all of it seems to have come to a crashing halt it would seem... -_- Why oh why, I do not understand. Why was I born this way? Why couldn't I have just been born a female in body, soul and voice? Instead, I was born with only the soul of a female... How I've wished, how I've prayed, and even asked for just electrolysis from my Dad of which I said I'd slowly pay him back, but, nothing but a no so far. All this, I thought I had finally accepted how I looked, till the work place, and family, had to go and say stuff to me which bothered me.
To add insult to injury, my voice, though I hear it as a female half or most of the time (It's a complicated situation), I sadly know the world hears a male's voice. As a result, I'm in despair, depressed, hurt, and why? Because it finally dawned on me that I didn't have a girly voice like I'd hoped I did... As a result of all of the above and then some, I'm having trouble staying positive, I'm depressed at times, especially at work. To make matters worse, I can feel it, it's there, the suicidal thoughts are coming back and, while I'm strong, I don't wish to give up/run away/take my life, the fact remains, if this continues, I fear what I may do someday...
I know people will tell me to call the suicide hot line (assuming I do call it), go see a psych/thera (Assuming I can see one), talk to a friend/family member (Assuming I gots any/who I can talk too) or just simply say, don't give up, it'll get better (Assuming it does get better) but the fact remains, I'm at a stand still. (A Please Teacher reference if you will.
) That in turn only makes the situation that much harder on me, so, what left can I do? Simply put. Type up and post this poem, who knows, maybe it'll do some good, not just for me but for whoever reads this, for, while I'm like this, and need help in many ways, I do hope, whoevers reading this or this thread, won't ever give up, that includes myself naturally. My apologies if this got you down or triggered anything, we all have our times when we get down/like this, the thing to remember is to hang in there and never give up and get help if you need it, especially in a moment you may take your life. Now, hopefully someone, somewhere out there, whose reading this, can help me get back to being positive and shake off these reemerging suicidal thoughts that scare me...
But wait, I have just one more thing to say, while I know I'm a good person and have changed for the better, I simply don't give myself enough credit, I bring myself down by saying, who'd want to be with me/around me anyway? (This is because of my past, in which growing up was a nightmare, both for me and for those around me in which, due to circumstances I wasn't so nice at times...) The fact remains, I have no idea why anyone would love me let alone spend the rest of their life with me (yeah, how I wish I had a girlfriend/wife...), and, if you were going to say, because you're a good person, and fun to be around, sorry but, I've already heard that before, didn't do much good, sadly...
*Poem, over*
Just thought I'd say that, I was going to see a gender therapist, but my Dad changed his mind on stuff he said, thus is trying to find one that takes my insurance, but, it's doubtful that's going to happen and as you can tell, I REALLY need to see a gender therapist
ASAP!. (Only a gender therapist will do, due to circumstances I won't say)
