Crossdresser or Transexual?

[SerenityTG]

My earliest memory is dressing up as a girl, playing in a make believe kitchen with friends when I was 4 or 5 years old. I've been crossdressing my entire life, in the past it was mainly a sexual thing that I did during masturbation but lately it has grown to something else I think. I've been questioning my true gender for the last 2 years and I cant seem to figure it out!

I spoke with a therapist online last year but he seemed to be very pushy in pushing me to transsexualism and was not very helpfull, I ended up stopping those sessions because I felt unfulfilled by the help he was offering.

Reasons why I'm probably transsexual:

- I fantasize daily about having a female body, to the point that it sometimes affects my daily tasks
- Crossdressing no longer fulfills that need, it kinda makes it worse. The crossdressing is more a tool to fake my mind in seeing a woman in the mirror under the clothes. Its not about the clothes anymore. Its to simulate a female body.
- I rarely masturbate without fantasizing being a girl in the fantasy
- I feel super uncomfortable having to fit in in a group of guys and feel afraid of showing any feminine traits
- In contrary, I feel super comfortable in a group of women, it feels like I can be myself in that group. Not having to fake masculinity as with a group of guys
- When I see a woman walk past, my mind goes straight to jealousy, wishing I was her. That I could be outside as a woman looking like a woman
- I never ever thought the previous comment when seeing a handsome guy walk past. I never wish to be a handsome guy. I always wish to be smaller, a woman, not buff.
- When someone calls me a masculine pronoun I die a little inside
- When someone refers to me as "her" or "she" I get these warm happy feelings inside and cant stop smiling
- If the imaginary button exists that would transform me into a woman with everyone remembering me as a woman, I would press it immediately without hesitation.

Reasons why I'm probably just a crossdresser:
- I never felt like a woman trapped in a body, I would just prefer the woman body over the male body
- These trans feelings only started to happen when I went outside as a girl and it might have been a fetish run loose
- I don't hate my penis
- I don't really hate my body, the idea of becoming a woman excited me, but having a male body is not depressing to me
- When I'm actively busy with a task, the gender dysphoria is not on my mind. Seems to only be an internal struggle when I'm doing nothing
- I never wished to become a girl before 25 years old

Writing these down helped me a lot and settle me down. I feel like I need to figure this out as soon as possible. I'm 29 years old now and it feels like now or never. I have a desire to become a woman, but I dont want to transition. The transition aspect scares me. Loosing my partner (she told me she would leave me if I ever would transition), how my family will react (my sister is very homophobic), fear of loosing my job (very male driven environment), the fear of passing (I'm 29 years old, I might never have the body or frame that allows me to wear clothes that I want to wear as a woman).

[VeronicaLynn]

Even though it might confuse you a bit further, you should maybe consider also if some non-binary identities, such as genderfluid or bigender might fit you better than crossdresser or transexual. In case you are not familiar with them, there is a good listing of them at nonbinary.org...

I have a similar family and work situation as you, being genderfluid does allow me to still be the guy I am expected to be by family and work, and also be the woman I often feel I am elsewhere. It is a bit more difficult in some ways to be this way, but it also has it's rewards.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi SerenityTG,

from how you describe your feelings and thoughts, I'd say you are transgendered with the usual fears and doubts we all have at one time or another.

Your reasonings for being a CD are the same issues TG people are confronted with.

If you were to work through the doubts and fears you mentioned in your last paragraph, I think, would strengthen your case to transition or not. Clothing styles, not age will determine how well you will be perceived as a woman. Essentially, "passing" is how you perceive yourself internally, which radiates outwardly.

Huggs
Catherine

[TerriT]

I think sometimes that there is a sense that being trans is somehow more validating than being CD. I find it infuriating. Nobody is "just a cross dresser." It is an entirely valid, respectable and acceptable lifestyle. I know people that span all across the spectrum of gender identities. None are more important than another. Instead of listing why you are trans vs CD, list what makes you happy about your gender identity and where you would like to go with it. It's a different answer for everyone. It's not one or the other type of thing. Get to know some of the posters here and you will see people from all ages and gender ranges.

[Jamie D]

As Tiffany mentioned, cross-dressing is a form of gender expression, and cross-dressers are part of the transgender spectrum.

My own belief is that the severity of the gender dysphoria is proportional to the degree of change a transgendered person desires.  To that end, gender expression is one way they cope.  Some cope with HRT.  Some require surgeries.

29 is not "old" by any stretch of the imagination.  I believe that the average age of MtF transition is about 40.

[Lyric]

I think too many people in our culture are way too hung up on labels when it comes to gender identity-- and this includes a lot of therapists. The truth is that we don't all easily fit into neat categories like "man","woman", "transsexual" or even "crossdresser". A lot of us (including myself) must look inside ourselves and create our own way to experience who we are with regard to gender.

This forum is largely a gathering place for transsexual people, but I tend to believe there are far more people in the world who would fit into one of these less specific gender categories than would fit neatly into the category of TS or whatever. There are a few names appointed to us, but I since there is such a range, they don't fit everyone. Bigender, dual gender, autogynosexual, pangender are a few. I really think it can do more harm than good to try and define yourself that way, though. Just close your eyes and imaging a world without gender labels. How would you be? Creating your own gender ID lifestyle isn't easy, but for many (maybe most) of us it's the best route to a fulfilling life.

~ Lyric ~

[SerenityTG]

Instead of listing why you are trans vs CD, list what makes you happy about your gender identity and where you would like to go with it. It's a different answer for everyone. It's not one or the other type of thing. Get to know some of the posters here and you will see people from all ages and gender ranges.

I have no desire to be a man, all my desire is to have a female body. I never thought, "Hmm I look good as a guy, I'm happy having these muscles and masculine features". What makes me happy is seeing my body turning more feminine through exercise (I only go to the gym for having a feminine body, not at all for having a beautiful masculine body).

I'm happiest when I'm dressed up as a girl. I'm happy too when I go out with my friends at the bar but its not as happy as me dressing up. Unless I'm cross-dressing, every action or hobby I do, I have this thought in my mind "I wish I could do this while being a woman".

If someone tells me today with 100% certainty, "You are just a man that loves cross dressing a lot, you should never transition". I would feel sad, knowing that I will be stuck with this body and would never be able to fulfill that desire to have a female body.

[Jessica Merriman]

Uh baby, it sounds to me you are transgender. I am about 94% convinced of that. You worry about passing at 29, well, I am now 48 and pass just fine because of confidence and being who I really am. Seems to me you know what to do and are just looking for verification. You say you are happiest when dressed and want a woman's body, so, be happy and become the real you who it sounds like is dying to get out anyway. With all of this and the statement of affecting your daily task's you should probably return to therapy and start the process. This is only how I see it though.

[Jenna Marie]

I never felt "trapped" in my body (that feels silly as a way to describe my personal experience - it's MY body, and I don't want someone else's!) or hated my masculine features (...at first, after 2-3 years on HRT I started to, but that's me and who knows how anyone else may react). That made me wonder if I was making it up and was "just" a cross-dresser, too. I transitioned socially and eventually had GRS, so I have to concede now that I'm trans.

Basically, you know you want to try to have a more feminine body. It's perfectly, 100% OK to transition physically because you think you would be *happier,* and not just b/c you're utterly miserable now; even though it's common to say that all trans people hate their bodies and want to commit suicide if they can't transition, that's only one possible story/journey out there. (It's also perfectly fine if you decide not to try to transition! But basically, don't limit yourself because you think someone else's story gets to define you. Do what YOU want first and foremost.) Oh, and I only decided to transition at 32, too. I got great results, and am thrilled with the outcome to this day.

[suzifrommd]

Reasons why I'm probably just a crossdresser:
- I never felt like a woman trapped in a body, I would just prefer the woman body over the male body

Nothing to do with it. I've never felt like a woman, and I'm definitely MtF.

- These trans feelings only started to happen when I went outside as a girl and it might have been a fetish run loose

Most of us found our feeling intensified as we allowed ourselves to live as our true gender.

- I don't hate my penis
- I don't really hate my body, the idea of becoming a woman excited me, but having a male body is not depressing to me

Me either. Not a requirement for being transgender. Many transgender people are ok with our bodies (except for the fact that they're not the sex we want them to be, if that makes sense).

- When I'm actively busy with a task, the gender dysphoria is not on my mind. Seems to only be an internal struggle when I'm doing nothing

Lots of people get so absorbed that the rest of the world falls away. Has nothing to do with being transgender or not.

- I never wished to become a girl before 25 years old

For me it was 15 or so. For others it's not until middle age. There is no age limit.

Serenity, I wonder if you have an image of transgender people fueled by the sort of misinformation one finds in the media, which would have us all sure we were in the wrong bodies from age 3 and wanting to cut our genitals off in desperation. There's a lot of variation in reality.

[SerenityTG]

The biggest issue for me is. I feel like I can probably spend my entire life in this male body. There is not much hate. Its just that strong desire to wanting to have a female body. I do believe that people should do whatever their heart desires. In a vaccuum, I would start HRT and transform my body into a female body in a heartbeat. Its all the stuff around it. Family, relations, work, society, costs. Is the desire to have a female body, the desire to be seen as a woman, the desire to make love as a woman all worth it?

I feel like I'm gatekeeping myself. Do I want to transition and become the woman I desire to be? Yes. Do I want to go through all these troubles medical wise and probably loose my current partner? No.

Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Every year that passes I get more depressed about it, I wish I've known these feelings when I was 22, back then I had a support structure, no girlfriend, still young. I've already accepted that I would never in my life experience the 20s as a woman. That depresses me but I get over it. I never will be able to look cute, young and perky.

The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

[Jessica Merriman]

The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

How is that gatekeeping you? I started transition at age 47 and I am having the time of my life and never felt better. I feel a good 20 years younger and am in better shape both physically and mentally.

[SerenityTG]

How is that gatekeeping you? I started transition at age 47 and I am having the time of my life and never felt better. I feel a good 20 years younger and am in better shape both physically and mentally.

Because I want to be a young woman in her prime of her life in her 20s.

[Jessica Merriman]

Because I want to be a young woman in her prime of her life in her 20s.

I really think you should take these concerns to a therapist with gender issue experience. It may help quite a bit in finding what direction you want to take. It never hurts.

[FilaFord]

---

[suzifrommd]

Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Oh God, you sound like me a couple years ago. I agonized over all this. Turned out not to be a big deal. I'm 7 months into full time living. I'm beautiful and often attract men. I've gotten used to the routine. I've gotten rid of some stuff, and gotten used to the rest. I value convenience more than anyone I know, but it's just not a big deal. I do hate the shaving (though I hated it when I was a guy). When electrolysis is done, I won't have to do that or the foundation either.

And the age thing - I thought it would be a big deal for me. But I love myself as a woman of my age. How old am I?

52.

[izzy]

Your would know your transgendered if your depression becomes worse over time. Well that was for me. I think that you should decide to transition or not. It is no rush. Your may feel comletely yourself. You dont have to be transexual and complete hate over your body to be one. Many transgendered dont mind their bodies, just can not be a man. You sound a little bit like me. I dont think with your desciption you meet the classical defitiniton of a crossdresser or a transsexual.

[Jamie D]

The biggest issue for me is. I feel like I can probably spend my entire life in this male body. There is not much hate. Its just that strong desire to wanting to have a female body. I do believe that people should do whatever their heart desires. In a vaccuum, I would start HRT and transform my body into a female body in a heartbeat. Its all the stuff around it. Family, relations, work, society, costs. Is the desire to have a female body, the desire to be seen as a woman, the desire to make love as a woman all worth it?

I feel like I'm gatekeeping myself. Do I want to transition and become the woman I desire to be? Yes. Do I want to go through all these troubles medical wise and probably loose my current partner? No.

Currently I possibly can still pass as a woman if I pick the right clothing, lather myself up with make-up, shave 3 times a day. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No. What I desire is to be able to wake up in the morning, not having to worry about superficial things and just see a woman stare back in the mirror. Not some guy that has to do 10001 things to remotely look somewhat female.

Every year that passes I get more depressed about it, I wish I've known these feelings when I was 22, back then I had a support structure, no girlfriend, still young. I've already accepted that I would never in my life experience the 20s as a woman. That depresses me but I get over it. I never will be able to look cute, young and perky.

The main thing that is gatekeeping me really is my age.

I understand your frustration.  My therapist asked me question which elicited similar answer.  You have a girl inside, who wants to grow.  You don't have to totally kill off the guy outside to achieve that.

If it were me in your shoes, I would start with facial hair removal, then low dose HRT.

[bingunginter]

I remember this joke. What is the difference of crossdresser and transexual ?  3 years.
Lol it comes true for me.

[JoanneB]

I have agonized pretty much the same as you. Even went as far in my early 20's and experimented twice with transitioning. Both times opting to try to be a normal guy. Normal in my case meaning a CD+. I didn't hate the dangly bits. In fact we've had some great times together. Just hated having a male body in general...especially mine. Guys never did much for me. I was attracted to women. Cross Dressing had become an escape from maleness. Something I needed to do once a month. More often with other life stresses affecting me. Plus add in at 6ft tall, big boned, balding fast, frog hands and super extra large feet I knew I could never pass, which was very much confirmed during my experiments. I spent a good part of my life till then being a target because of my physical differences. I had no desire to spend a lifetime as one.

A good 5 years ago at the tender young age of 53 the excrement hit the air handler, once again. Plenty of stress thus plenty of desire/need to escape by dressing. But I couldn't if I wanted to since part of my reaction was to start stuffing my face and I starting to get into the 200lb area. An area I swore never to visit again nearly 40 years earlier.

Since my epiphany I worked hard on myself. Found a TG support group and got totally blown away by it. I learned to slowly accept myself for who I am, still not sure of the what. Started loosing the TG shame. Eventually so to the guilt. I even achieved my life long dream of being seen as an accepted as a woman.

I have zero doubt that I am transsexual.

I have plenty of doubts still as to my need to transition

I have very little doubt that my life, my soul, is far happier and far better off than it ever has been. Even childhood. Though some nights I still wish/pray I can  wake up as a woman with the caveat that to the rest of the world that is all I have ever been to them too.

My question for you is the same as the one I constantly ponder; Will you be happier? Compare the potential and real costs against what can maybe gained. Do you need to fully transition? Afterall being transgender means there is an entire spectrum of behaviors and coping mechanisms out there. Not the simple if you have an outie you're a guy, an innie a girl B&W world many like to live in. Life is never that simple.

Nor does life have guarantees. (Death and taxes aside)