Quote from: Genzen on January 24, 2014, 10:44:28 AM
That is a great point. Ultimately I fear her not being attracted to me physically which isn't something that she can control regardless of her love for me.
Attraction and love are things YOU CREATE for each other. You need to find out what her needs are, what her fantasies are, and what she wants from you. You could have an even MORE sexually intense relationship if that's what she wants, and she might actually find it even more exciting sexually than what you were able to do in "man mode". Arousal is largely between the ears. If she starts to create fantasies of you doing things she loves, with your longer hair, smooth body, and even breasts, she could actually find you very exciting.
I have always been very "short" so I never really depended on what was between my legs to please a woman. On the other hand, I was uninhibited and willing to try lots of new things including giving oral and manual stimulation, and a variety of toys. I have always said I'm a lesbian, because even before I knew what sex was, my fantasies were always me as a woman with another woman.
My first wife really struggled with this, and even though she loved the sex, she had pretty much lost interest in sex even before we got married, and mostly used it to create children and to get very expensive things like vacation trips, a new car, getting me to quit my job and move back to Colorado (where no-fault divorce was easier to get with child support).
My second wife knew about Debbie before we even had our first telephone conversation and even though she would say "I'm not a lesbian" because she had never done it with another girl before, she loved what we did together. When I did start growing breasts, she was curious to see if mine were as sensitive and erotic as hers, and when she found out they were, she loved it.
We've actually had to be sexually abstinent for about 12 months because her orgasms were so intense that they caused hernias. Before her 8th hernia operation, she lost over 100 lbs, and had a much more extensive surgery, including a penectomy (like 1/2 a tummy tuck), to improve her chances of making a full recovery. They also put in a mesh and other things to make her "pop proof". She can't wait to get her hands on me now that I'm a 38-C cup.
Quotef there isn't physical attraction then there won't be sex and sex/intimacy is one of her highest values in life as is mine as well. Right now my hair is longer and when I clean shave she just doesn't find me attractive and doesn't want to be touched by me.
Again, much of this is between the ears. Start with low dose hormones, rather than trying to rush it with higher doses. This will give her more time to adjust. You also need to verbally and physically reassure her that you find her attractive, that you love her, and that you want to be married to her. The assignment I gave my children, which I practice with my second wife is to say "I love you" at least 12 times a day every day you are together, to hug at least 10 times a day, and to kiss, for at least 5 seconds, at least 10 times a day.
You should also tell her everything you love about her. This SHOULD include the things that might make more traditional "Alpha Male" types cringe. For example, when my wife is bossy, I tell her "I love it when you take charge", and she loves that I love it. When she alerts me to traffic, I say "Thank you for helping me drive". When we sit down to watch a movie together, I give her the remote and ask her to pick something romantic.
The hormones will make you more emotional, you will have fewer erections and they won't be as hard, and eventually you won't be able to have traditional intercourse, but you can still have an incredibly rich and intense sex life, that will be even more exciting for both of you because you can enjoy it longer.
QuoteShe has BPD, so I'm sure that is complicating things with her fears of abandonment. IMO, there is a difference between making a choice to start HRT and things that are out of my control such as death or if she just ups and leaves then that is her decision of which I have no part in.
The trick with BPD is to not confuse the physical with the emotional. During the up times, sleep may be difficult, the brain wants to stay up all night long, but that doesn't mean you can't cuddle and be close and really enjoy each other's closeness. During the down times, the body wants to "shut down" early, and there may be a desire to go to sleep early because you just feel so tired. On the down days, it's important to know that love is still present and that it's OK for you to carry the load of putting the kids to bed and reading them their stories, and whatever else is needed. She is not a bad person because her body needs to "hibernate".
Obviously, if she is on medication, she should stay on the medication, and you should support her in staying on the medication. It may lower her libido and energy levels and she may crave the "highs", but she will have more ability to enjoy both the high and low times if she isn't swinging to the extremes. You SHOULD plan on having her come to some of your therapy sessions with you, so that she can get some of her concerns, questions, and worries out on the table.
QuoteI just don't want to be the one responsible for the loss I guess.
If she loves you, she loves YOU, not the fuzzy hair, or the male form. If she wanted a macho "Alpha Male", she wouldn't have even dated you. You were transsexual LONG before you met, and even if she THINKS that you kept it a secret, it was part of what she found attractive. You weren't as bossy, as domineering, as pushy, or as violent as other men she had known in her past. She may have even worried that YOU were gay at various points.
The irony is that I have actually talked to wives of transsexuals who were afraid of what to do with their husbands who were transsexual. They were terrified that their husbands would feel emasculated or invalidated if she didn't continue to treat him like a man. The irony was that when they began to realize that they were attracted to their spouses feminine traits, their patience, their gentleness, their nurturing, their softness, their tenderness, and their vulnerability, and then they realized that these were exactly what their spouses were trying to share with them, they were able to embrace their partners, and even take a stronger role in supporting their partners. They also found that they could enjoy "lesbian sex" and that there were many alternatives to what was between his legs. For some, even dressing became part of the fun, with both of them enjoying the ability to show of their bodies in the best ways and be able to look and feel sexy and feminine and share that with each other. Sometimes they even reversed roles.
The possibilities are endless, if you start to let your imaginations and fantasies wander into areas that were previously forbidden to both of you.
QuoteThe question is if I have control over if I start HRT, which of course I do. I do not however have control of what caused my gender identity to form the way it has. I'm not denying that I'm trans as I'm most certainly am.
Every choice comes with consequences, and you have to choose both the benefits AND the consequences together. But you also must make an INFORMED choice. If you start the HRT, there is the possibility that your wife will find you repulsive, and will want either an open marriage, so she can have a "real man" or she may even want a divorce. On the other hand, are you absolutely sure that she wouldn't want these things anyway? Are you absolutely sure that she will hate you if you transition.
Honesty at each stage of the process is critical. If either of you reaches the point where there is the ultimatum, a final choice with unavoidable consequences, and you are absolutely certain that making the OTHER choice will NOT lead to those unacceptable consequences, then you will have to make that final choice as to whether or not to continue with the HRT and transition process.
QuoteI guess this thread really belongs in the non-transitioning section come to think of it.
This is exactly where this conversation belongs. Many rush into HRT without thinking through the consequences and then find themselves unable to deal with the mess. This is why we are supposed to see therapists before starting HRT and why the therapist has to approve HRT. The fact that your therapist approved you for HRT indicates that he or she realized that you NEED to transition.
QuoteI would love to be convinced that it is something that I have no choice in, but the reality is that I do by route of self sacrifice.
If you had a form of prostate cancer, and you knew that you could treat it now, but it would result in your inability to have erections or ejaculate for the rest of your life, but you also knew that if you did NOT have the procedure, you would die a slow and painful death in about 2-3 years, would your wife tell you NOT to have the procedure?
Aborting a transition is possible, but your subconscious mind, the girl trapped in your body, screaming to get out, will kill you if you try to kill her. You can keep her caged up longer if you let her come out to play once in a while, but she won't stay cooped up for long.
For younger transexuals, the self-destruction may take the form of drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, open rebellion against authority figures, difficulty holding jobs and forming relationships.
For older transsexuals who abort, the self-destruction may take the form of overeating, over-work, not sleeping, inability to concentrate, becoming argumentative in business meetings, refusing support from others, isolation.
In severe cases, the results can be heart attacks, stroke, fatal accidents, severe emotional disorders, or suicide.
You've been lucky enough to beat the odds for years, and could probably do so for a bit longer, but if you abort transition to please your wife, it won't be long before you begin to hate her, AND your children (ALL of them), you will begin to avoid contact to avoid the pain, and eventually, all that you have tried so hard to keep will be lost.
IF you choose to delay or abort transition, you have to CHOOSE absolutely ALL of it, even if the consequences you tried to avoid happened anyway.
These boards are filled with those who aborted or delayed transition to saves marriages, please parents, or keep children, only to lose them all anyway.
Think about it. If you were getting punched in the ribs every day by you wife, and she was hitting you in the head, tearing you down emotionally, and generally abusing you every day, how long do you think it would be before you started doing everything you could to avoid the abuse?
Sadly, the girl inside is being abused, and she wants to be free. If you let your wife sentence her to life in solitary confinement, without the possibility of parole, do you really believe that girl inside wouldn't do ANYTHING to end that isolation?
