Total Meltdown

[Rachel]

Carrie, hugs

I think having such a shock takes time for you wife to adjust. As she realizes you are there for her and she is there for you, the emotions may settle out and you may find being yourself and her accepting the new reality makes you and her closer, perhaps not.

I had a lifetime to know who I am and she has had 11 months. If I said I am doing this and she said no, what would I say? But, if she said that hurts me and cries than what would you say? Sometimes I feel manipulated.

My wife and I went out this morning and spent time in town, had lunch and spent some time together. She said she really enjoyed the day. So we really enjoy being together and love each other. You may want to consider some time together in a neutral location for fun.

I can not make my wife happy. I am not responsible to make my wife happy. We love each other and I want (need) to become aligned. Hence the dilemma. If we had a bad marriage and added this to the mix then it would be over. But we had a very good (not great) marriage and I added this into the mix. We may end up just friends or divorced. If I go back she will become a widow. I really like where I am going, so forward I go with transition.

In a year or two my identity may be very strong and I may look at  the situation differently and I may drive a decision. Perhaps she knows I am growing and is scared she will be left out. Perhaps she just does not want change. She is cis, hetero female and wants a guy and I no longer fit the bill. Lots of change causes lots of emotions. The more you discuss the change the more it will sink in and be less scary.

I expected to be divorced by now

[carrie359]

Joanne,
Amazing story..
I too never imagined just 5 months ago that bang, just over seeing a  therapist on how to stop overeating suddenly I would have to face me.. the me I have hidden even from myself.. I got so caught up on my image and pride.. being the perfect guy that I put her away..
I have changed so much just in 5 months..it amazes me.. I don't even look close to what I looked like and I hope the changes get better and better over time.
Since HRT.. started.. I am working at 100% again on my job... when before I could barely make it through a day..
Love that part of it.. just feeling good.. until I have that mental breakdown and cry sometimes.. but even that feels good in a way.. being able to get it out..
Carrie

Carrie, your wife sounds so much as mine just as what you are experiencing is much like my own. My wife and I have always been best friends, soulmates (though she doesn't really like that term) and lastly lovers. Most of all we put the others happiness and needs above our own.

While my wife and especially I, have cried a few gallons of tears over these past 5 years, I know she will tell you that she is also better for it. Yes, she still is a bit upset over the "Betrayal" part with me hoping being a CD'er would be enough. She is also the major recipient of positive changes in me and my attitudes. I cannot count how often she has been on the verge of "checking out" one way or the other, or even walking out over the previous 10 or so years as I devolved into that facade of a man with even odder ways of dealing with life. The shutting down emotionally, the shutting her out more and more to "spare her the pain".

Six years ago when I lost my dream job and life was totally turned upside down there was no way I would have predicted the events that followed nor imagine how that event changed my life in such a positive way. By that same token I cannot say where I'll be in another 6 years.

In a perfect world I know what I'd like to see happen. For now, I am in a much better place, far happier than I could have imagined. Have an even closer relationship then ever with my wife. Finally happy to a large degree being in my skin. Especially those days I can be the real me out there in the real world. I smile every morning when I wake up, look in the mirror, and see Joanne. It all kind of sort of works. For now. Perhaps always.