My name is Claudia (I guess i feel comfortable with this name because my 'boy' name is Claudiu and it doesn't seem that I change myself , just adjusting to my need and social standards of having a girl name ) , I am 24 (almost 25 🙁 ) years old and I live in Europe . My birthplace and also my actual document address is in Romania , but I was working around Europe for a long period of time , so I don't stay too much 'at home' .
My story is very , very long . The main idea is that I always was a sensitive kid , with a lot of feminine qualities but I didn't identified myself as a girl , like I hear about other transgirls who started their transition in their childhood - teen years . There were a lot of other things involved , my family , for example . I was born in a very closed mind family , in the rural area , with the religion playing a major role , so basically the only possibility for me was to be a boy and to 'like' girls . I was attracted to boys (especially in the sexual life/fantasies ), but I thought that was something wrong with me , and I inhibited those thoughts . Although I like girls too , I didn't have a real relationship with one , as I feel my 'role' is to be a girlfriend for a man , emotionally and sexually .
My life continued , I focused on school until I was about 15 , then I started to give up school and try to find my way , try to find who I am . I found a refuge in sport , and although I like it now too , bodybuilding was a mistake , I got a bigger and more masculine body but inside I remained the same sensitive person . My looks , although not great , were pretty good for a teen boy so I got some attention and I somehow felt comfortable this way .
That is a concern for my gender identity since I didn't hate my body like others girls did , I liked that I had a penis and I didn't felt deformed having some muscle growth . As I said I did associate some good memories with my man body , feeling the attention and even desire from the girls , and some 'respect' from all the people , finally I had something to display , I wasn't just a bullied kid anymore .
But I felt from time to time an envy and a desire to be like some beautiful girls I saw . That thoughts were not compatible with my macho look and reputation , so they remained undeveloped . I guess the real identity struggle started around 17-18 years old , around the time I finished high school , I already allowed myself everything in the sexual orientation area (I did and I still do like pretty much everything in the sexual life) , but my gender identity wasn't settled and I guess it still isn't . I found myself craving to look like the girls in the adult movies I watched , but that seemed impossible . Living in Romania means that the financial situation was very bad , it wasn't like if I got a job I could afford to pay rent for a place . So I continued living at my parents house , getting different jobs , basically wasting my life . I did continue to fantasies about being a girl , I used to dress as them , but that was about all .
Around 2011 I started working as a truck driver (such a masculine job
( ), but I used this opportunity to allow myself to behave more naturally, to emerge , to try things , especially because I was alone in the world , no one did know me . Being alone for long periods of time , I thought at myself , and I realized I would like to live full time as a woman . Since then I worked on and off as a truck driver across Europe , even now I am still working , not for long though , I quit and hopefully by mid February I will be in Romania , subletting a place for myself and focusing on my gender issues and life .
Around November last year I have a ' revelation ' , even if it sounds silly I somehow wasn't aware of my real age , I didn't realize I got so old , inside I feel like I am still 18 . So , in the last part of 2013 I realized that my life was wasted : I have no friends (and I mean no one ) , my family don't support me at all (in the gender issues and basically in all my interests ) , I have a job that I don't like , my best years were just wasted . They are almost 7 years since I turned 18 , I wanted to do so much , yet I accomplished nothing .So I decided to start doing something for my dreams to come true . But it is not so easy . I have plans though , getting a diploma in the photography (I am a big fan of photography ) and also the biggest of all : to come out ass a girl in public . It is pretty risky , if it is not going that good I will be soon be living under a bridge , so I guess it is understandable being scared .
I didn't come out in public as a girl until now , I have long hair and I don't have a 'manly' image, including being sensitive and shy , but I feel more comfortable with a fade boy look ( because I am really scared of getting embarrassed )rather than expose myself as a girl . My plan is to try it first in some LGBT clubs , to get more comfortable about it .
My biggest problem now is that I have some 'doubts' , I don't know how to explain it , I think I don't really understand myself : I want to be a girl but I am not sure if I am .
I feel a little embarrassed (even though I am alone ) when I repeat talking in a more feminine way , I feel that I have no style (like the girls I admire ) , i feel I am not as cute as them and the list goes on .
I know every person is unique but I really want to be more feminine and that is the problem : wanting and developing the feminine features makes me feel that I am not a real girl , a real girl would feel and have them.
I did make a lot of analysis , as I said I am alone for long periods and I always think . I got to look very deep inside myself , but that made me even more confused .
I met some transgirls in the country , very feminine , who started the HRT at about 14 , and they told me they felt they were girls since like forever . That makes me think a lot , I guess some of my personality issues play a role here too , I am obsessive and a little competitive so I don't feel good thinking that I am not as much of a girl like others .
My perception of other girls plays a huge role too , I always (including after I discovered the concept of transgender ) thought that girls are different of me , so I got a mental image of a girl , different from my own image because that was the way I thought things are . Now I find it difficult to see me as a girl because of that , I still feel that I am different from the 'real' girls .
Lately , I learned some things , some concepts , and I don't believe anymore in genders the way I did . I think that I am a unique person with features in the gender spectrum , and because most of them (including the ones concerning the sexual role ) are in the feminine area , I can pass as a girl .
Also I don't like the idea of being an androgin , not to mention all the possibilities : third gender , bigender , trigender , pangender , nongendered , genderfluid and so on , they confused me and also scared me in a way as sometime I feel I could identify with some of them for example pangender and/or genderfluid .
I heard a lot of transgirls saying that they would've liked being a man or a woman not a trans , and now I understand them . My wish/goal is to be a 'woman' but sometime I feel that I don't have this identity . I am clearly not a man , but I don ' t always feel comfortable at the thought of getting in public as a girl , either . I feel that I have some kind of pride that gets hurt when I dress and behave like a girl . Also because I like girls too , and I tend to see them as possible partners , I tend to display some male features when I talk to them . I inhibit my emotions , I try not to cry , and all those things that the society pressed me to do as a boy .
Maybe it is the fact that I thought I was a boy for such a long time , that makes it so difficult to be a girl now .
Also my looks play a major role too . When I see myself and I look pretty I feel very comfortable with being a girl , the girl behavior and gestures come naturally . But , for the most of the time I either look as a 'boy' , with no make up and man clothes or I visualize myself and I always seem to see myself as a boy , then I get lots of thoughts about my identity and the struggle repeats .
Anyway , I know I seem like a messed up person and I guess I am , but I really want to get some friends around here , I really feel alone , there is no one for me around (and sometime I wonder why , i don't want to be overconfident but I want to think that I am not so unpleasant as a friend
) .
