Thank you all for your nice words and support .
I have such a bad time these days , i just don't know what to think anymore . I posted some of my thoughts in other topics , anyway it all exploded yesterday when i read some more articles that made me check some information on 2d:4d rapport . Then all fell apart as i found more and more data about the possibility that i am not really a girl .
I feel so alone and left out . Sometime I feel and i want to blame the universe for screwing me up , sometimes i feel that is all my fault , that is just a sexual fetish i could get rid off and continue my life . I feel so bad .
It feels so cold and real that possibility ,also the possibility that all my life was built around some fetishes and none of my dreams is possible .
Some extra thoughts , beside what i already posted , i know that no one really cares about and i should discuss that with a therapist , but i feel good exposing my feelings .
I started HRT with estrogen and androgen blockers on 18th of January this year , I don't have any libido at all and it doesn't bother me (which Is a big deal since before hrt my whole life was about sex) . I am ok with no sexual libido , although I have some pleasure/desire thinking of sexual acts there is no physical response , only a mental pleasure different from the ones I experienced before ) , and I feel very good about getting a better feminine body (i don't know if it is the rush of getting something new , a challenge , some activity to get out from my boring life , an icon of the new life i want to start)
A problem would be that I had/have no hate on my male body , it wasn't very hairy , bulky or something like that but I had and still have some muscles , I don't know If it is a personality trait of me liking muscles , if it is the habit since the days I had to have muscle to be cool and a sex symbol , me getting used to that look for some years , or that i am not a girl - if i were one i would have hate a male body , or anything else , but clearly is a masculine feature for a person no matter the gender
However the idea is that those studies and classifications induced me the thoughts that I could be a ->-bleeped-<- even though I do not crossdress for direct sexual gratification , or maybe I am not aware that all the feminization of the body and mind is to be attractive as a girl and that implies also a sexual fetish
Another factor is that i am a very erotic person , with lots of pleasures and an open mind , so i have lots of 'fetishes' ,like the society calls them , so that make it easy to seem that the feminity is just a fetish not a reality , The worst part is that makes sense for me , seem possible and i hate that .
But if traits that describe out way to be (even if they are learnt / acquired ) are called fetishes maybe it is not bad that my femininity is a 'fetish' - that is just me , a trait of mine .
I just hope their theories and point of views were wrong.
Also they said that the fetish could develop into a gender dysphoria (and that is both good and bad for me , I want to be a real girl , not only a crossdresser , but the 'man made' gender dysphoria , especially one resulted from sexual fetishes ,doesn't sound as respectable/genuine as a real one)
It seem that no matter how hard I want , all the science prove that I am not as much of girl as other
I don't know if it is my obsessive nature , a sexual related challenge or something else , but I want to be/feel as a full girl , not a crossdresser nor androgynous
I don't perceive genders the way i do , in a way there are no genders , but i want all my features : physically ,emotionally, behavioral ,personality to be in the feminine part of the gender spectrum . Maybe it is just an obsession , i am very obsessive and even though i don't like competitions , sometime i found myself in some of them trying to be the best .
Maybe the more I think about that the more I feel that I am different of others girls, I don't know .
Sometime after all the reasons and arguments struggle , all the science and stuff , i calm down and i feel like a girl especially if i see myself dressed and with make up on and i look pretty and feminine .
Sometime it seems that I can get a male pov and self id , sometime a female one
Sometime I feel that I think as a woman sometime like a boy (although i don't know if it is possible to feel that , i feel that i am me , if i allow to feel feminine then i feel feminine ),
Sometime I feel so fit and good about being a girl, sometime it feels weird , inharmonious with me
Maybe is the power of habits , maybe is some form of androginity or genderfluid , maybe is the feeling of scare and abnormal (after all is a huge change and it implies lot of downsides to come out as a girl ), maybe is the brain having trouble to recreate all the unconscious plans and daydreams for a life as a girl (I don't know if other girls had made their plans in life as girls since ever , or it was a clear moment when they were aware that they are girls and all that things involved , all the changes ), maybe it is because of the standards that states that a woman should likes men ( i like men but only some categories of them as a full partner , others just as sexual partners ).
It is weird and also very scary now that i think about
Was i wrong at the beginning when i identified myself as a bisexual man with transvestic fetish and an open mind
or this is who i am
I could really think that i misidentify because i grew up in a close minded family , society
all the pressure was for me to be not only a straight man but also a real tough one
i never was
but i was trying and in a way i wanted that
to be like the male heroes
to be strong
to make my father proud (taking your father as a model si a factor or a proof in being/id a boy ?)
i liked all the attention and advantages you got if you were a manly child , strong , tough
Beside i am very influencing , if all the people who are trusty from family to public autorithies classified me as a boy , i didn't dare to contradict .. But i guess these are just excuses , i guess girls felt , believed and act as girls no matter what .
All that together with the pressure from classmates and other who already saw me evolving as a' man ' made me inhibit the real me
starting from liking men (i didn't admit it or allow it to myself , not saying about coming out) to being a girl , even crossdress for start
For me it was like an evolution rather than a clear awareness of being a girl so i still believe that my previous perceptions of my gender identity were wrong
It is both weird and worrying how i never worried about living a a girl despite i clearly thought of that , but it didn't seemed like a big deal , i thought i am a girl and live with that , no struggling to come out ( i didn't have in front of whom anyway )
I focused on job and other stuff , and , although i had some masculine activities imposed by job , i couldn't say that i lived a masculine live . It was just a boring life , with plans and hopes , that i will live as a girl , although my self id was of a boy .
In a way , i perceived the transition as if i would completely change me with my mental idea of a girl , and that sounds worrying .
But it was also about sex , i focused about the sexual and physical part of being a woman
and that makes me wonder and worry if i was a ->-bleeped-<- and if i developed dysphoria from constant believe and inductions that i am a girl
Even worse , the transgenders i knew were the porn actresses and some escorts , all of them sexual persons .
I felt that some of them were more girly than others but i didn't think a lot at that
Maybe that was the difference between full girls and sexual ->-bleeped-<-s
Too bad , that i created my idea of transgender from that , and also too bad that i somehow liked more the more manly trans than the really feminine one . Was it because that is why i like sexually ?
Also that confused me in who i am and who/how i want to be .
The simple fact that i like transsexuals in an erotic way makes me wonder if it is all a fetish , a fascination , a curiosity to try how it feels to live as a woman ,( and when i say that i perceive myself as a man and is so frustrating and scary ).
I guess i wasn't understanding and seeking transgender , because of my sexual desire that put in a cone of shadow my id and desire to be a full girl .
The thought that i couldn't think that is possible for a trans to be exactly like a 'girl' regarding brain an stuff either indicates that i can't think like a girl , either made me create mistaken perception (from the lack of information) and icons of genders including where i situated on the spectrum .
In a way i feel like i want to transition from a gender identity point of view from what i am now (although i don't know what i am ) to a fully girl and being ok with that , I like the idea that I could enhance/create my femininity side and traits .
That is weird , and i guess indicates some issues and maybe that i am not a girl
Sometime i heard trans girls , that said they are not girls but they are trans and that made me peacefully
Maybe because i doubt , don't dare or i am afraid of facing the task of full transition
Or is it because that is the way i unconsciously feel , not a real girl ?
I somehow unconscious waited for my life as a woman to start , i don't know if that indicates that my femininity was just in my head , just a fetish , a dual personality , alter ego , another imaginary life , or just my way of functioning , living in daydreams.
I lived a lot in daydreams , in fantasy worlds , because my life was so hard , sad , and i was totally unhappy with it .
In a way , for me , if it is to give up sexual pleasure and life as a girl for good, it make no sense completing the transition
I will always be feminine end enhancing it but if it wouldn't be for sex and fun , it just doesn't worth for me all the struggle
I like women attention and it is easier to find some as a boy(even a sensible one ) rather than a girl
That is even more painful because i sometime remember the life as a boy and it seems i could continue it .
I would like seeing a therapist , but I don't 'trust' them : if I can't understand myself , how could they really understand me. They would observe form an image and classify me in a category by my 'output ' opinions , description of self , but they vary a lot depending on my approach on self , by the knowledge and experiences i have .
The only way I believe they could help me is encouraging me in transition and inducing me that I am a girl .
Also I tend to act in a way , because I don't interact with people too much (in fact , I don't interact at all with other people for days ) when I will see a therapist I will try to 'be' somehow : either I will try to behave in a more feminine way , either I will tend to show some masculine features from different reasons : if the therapist is a woman (as I like girls sometime , and I was misleaded that for getting a girl attention you have to be masculine)
as a response of some interactions : when I feel threatened , embarrassed .. (i think the pressure from the society and the universal 'normality' made me inhibit crying , especially in front of girls , although i feel like crying very often , in many situations ).
That is why I prefer an online therapy , with someone I don't know nothing about , including the 'gender'
Also the stories i read here
make me even more anxious and panicked
I wish i could have the gender identity opinion of most people , that they are men and women , and since i don't feel man and i want to be woman , that would make me clearly a woman
Unfortunately it is not , i believe that what you know/accept makes a lot of difference in self id and self accepting , so in a way , for me the more i know is the worst , makes me struggle and get wrong conclusions.
I found a topic about being a crossdresser or a trangender
And many say that if you reduce your libido with androgen blockers for example , and you still want to transition , you would be a girl. That would go nice for me , as i don't have libido for a while now yet my wish are the same or even stronger.
The problem is that my fetish may not be as superficial as a sexual one, but still be a fetish , basically my dream life is to be a woman , but that implies a lot the looks and sex and fun life , i didn't focus too much on other topics . I feel ok with being a woman in all domains , but i don't feel the real need for that , excepting the public social life . I guess it is because i didn't have a life so far , just working on this horrible job , staying alone for months on a row , so that the gender , although i identified it as woman for many years now , doesn't concern me too much . It seems that if is not about the social life , i could life the way i am , or even better to kill myself as my life is horrible .
Maybe my problems are of another nature , for example psychiatric : reality perception and personality disorder rather than my real gender.All of this just from the articles about the digit rapport that tells almost sure if you have been exposed to estrogen and got your brain feminized . I think that if i didn't know those things maybe i would have been peacefull and happy .
Now i am ripped apart . I just don't see a good way out of this
.
I don't want to start trying living as a man, trying to fit in the men groups or live as a weirdo .
The idea of continuing the transition although makes me happy , feels unfounded and non genuine
I feel that i should sacrifice my happiness and don't be a ->-bleeped-<- .
In a way i feel like i shouldn't be here , i feel an intruder , a disguised male in female world i was always fascinated with
I don't know what to do anymore , basically i guess i will try to make me allow to continue transition , if not possible i really hope i will have the power to end this life , 'like a man '
