How to make real friends?

[Genzen]

I've never been able to make real friends. I've had so called friends where I always felt like an outsider. And I have acquaintances, but that is about it. My job keeps me in a cube all day where I don't get to talk to anyone. Then I go home and take care of kids. It also doesn't help that I'm an introvert. I wonder how much of my gender identity issues have contributed to this. If I transition will it change things? Or will I just be in a place where it now becomes even harder to make friends? I think my biggest problem is that I barely have any time to make friends these days due to having so many kids ages 2 months - 14 years. As a single dad (for now) there are few support groups and even if there were I think I would still feel off about my gender. I just don't have or see much hope. The best thing I can think of is to work on my people skills by reading books about how to make friends and then do things that interest me. If people don't accept me for who I am then I guess that is just how things are and I don't really want to be friends with then anyways. It's hard and lonely....

[suzifrommd]

I'm going through some social issues as well. I'm finding making friends an uphill slog. I meet lots of people, but no one seems to have time in their busy schedules for someone else in their life.

I wish I had answers. Friends happen when two people who have something missing from their lives find each other. I'm trying to meet as many people as I can and if I find someone I want to know better, I communicate to them that I'm open to being friends.

Beyond that, I don't know what else I can do.

[retransition]

It also doesn't help that I'm an introvert. I wonder how much of my gender identity issues have contributed to this. If I transition will it change things? Or will I just be in a place where it now becomes even harder to make friends?

As we get older it is sometimes harder to make new friends, especially when your free time is taken up with the responsibilities (and joys) of being a father. Don't be afraid to look at if it is your gender identity issues contributing to your difficulties making friends or if it is something related to WHY you have trouble making friends that is contributing to your gender identity issues.  If you transition I have a feeling you WILL make new friends - but I believe these will mostly be people from within the trans community. If you feel like an outsider now don't assume that transitioning will make you feel less of one.  Many feel even more like outsiders after transition, but are happy that at least they can feel that they are living as who they need to be.
Short term advice - get out of the cube more. Consider meetup.com for groups of people with similar issues to yours.  Look for ways to get active in whatever communities you move through.

[Randi]

Friends are made from people you have regular contact with.  Belonging to some group is the first step.

I have four groups that allow closer interaction with potential friends.

1.  I go to church and sing in the choir

2.  I am active in the League of Women Voters.

3.  I regularly go to the YMCA and take water aerobics and other exercise classes.

4.  I go to Weight Watchers weekly.

Admittedly these all take time, which I understand is in short supply.  My local university offers free tuition for people over age 62, so I sometimes enroll in a class.  Admittedly most of my classmates are 40 years younger than I am, but it does allow me some interaction.

I am a fan of classical music and opera.  The local universities have frequent recitals and other free performances.  As you attend more of these offerings, you will find that you see familiar faces and that you, in turn, become one of those familiar faces.  After that, it is relatively easy to strike up a conversation.  You can always inquire about the composer or performers, without risking much.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Genzen,

Tricky situation isn't it.  Lots of responsibilities, so little time for self.

The fact you're considering transition suggest the path you'll tread will inevitably bring you to the realisation of who you really are. This truth and your acceptance of it, on it's own, will see the transformation of an amazing human being, let alone an awesome woman.

I suspect your introversion is fuelled by your need to hide your true self. Once that true self is released and empowered, I guarantee you'll never believe the outcome from such transformation.

Yes I can guarantee that. Less than 5 years ago, when all was sooooo dark and dismal for myself, I NEVER envisaged the power that released and the liberation, authenticity and freedom I live in each and every day from my own transformation. The reality I live in today is a totally unimaginable reality all those short years ago. It's there for you as well.

Find it, embrace it, live it, enjoy it.

Huggs
Catherine 

[retransition]

The fact you're considering transition suggest the path you'll tread will inevitably bring you to the realisation of who you really are. This truth and your acceptance of it, on it's own, will see the transformation of an amazing human being, let alone an awesome woman.

I totally agree that seeking self-discovery is the the path towards the realization that you are "an amazing human being" but just want to remind that it doesn't have to be as a woman.  This path leads many different places.

[ThePhoenix]

I think if there is a common theme in what everyone is saying, it would be to be true to yourself.  I have seen so many people become more magnetic and develop bigger circles of friends (mostly outside the trans* community, actually) when they came out as being trans* or at some point in transition.  It's like something clicked, they were suddenly comfortable, and they became people that others felt much more comfortable being around.  Some of them became downright charismatic and magnetic.

On the other hand, as retransition points out, that doesn't mean transition is right for everyone and it does not help everyone to make friends.  Transition is not even right for all trans* people.  So give it very careful consideration before embarking on that path.  Gender therapists can help a lot that way.  Lots of things can lead to someone having trouble forming relationships.  But if it's what you need to do to get comfortable in your own skin, then by all means start that journey. 

I think the bottom line here is that if you like yourself, and if you are true to yourself, then people be a lot more likely to like you too.  After all, the only way to make sure no one ever loves you is to never let them really know you.