Question about Self image and others..

[SamiT]

So one of the key factors that I hear a lot of girls say is that they never really cared about passing. It seems like the girls that come from this position have a much eaisier transition.

So for most of my life 40+ years I have spent trying to pass as a man. I do have some hobbies that are very masculine in nature and that did help. I am coming up on 2.5year mark of transition. Yet every day I still see that man in the mirror, and 99% I get SIR and him where ever I go. The 1% comes from those that just look at the long hair or catch a side profile of my upper body. I know I look nothing like the man I started out as.. FFS and hormones have made sure of that but its far from lady like.

How do I get to a point where I don't care what others see.. What others say about me.. I know some if this is tied constant need for validation from those around me.. And the mear thought of someone having ill thoughts about me is enough to send me into panic attacks..

Sami...

[barbie]

For other people, our appearance or exterior beauty is not so much important in maintaining a good relationship. People surrounding me understand and accept my crossdressing very well, not because of my beauty, but of my accomplishments, dependability and sustaining my family. Your personality will be more important than your appearance.

barbie~~

[sad panda]

I don't know if that point comes for everybody. I have been living as a girl for 2 years and was never misgendered even once, people called me crazy but I only rarely saw a girl in the mirror. I have dissociative issues though so my body image is very unstable... for me transition didn't make me happy, I don't know :S

Sorry, that's probably not helpful but that's my experience. You could try mindfulness meditation though, and something called radical acceptance if you want to keep living as a girl in spite of the difficulties. Maybe a therapist could help you?

[amZo]

When a particular need of a person gets satisfied it moves down their priority list. It's no different than more affluent people feeling money isn't important to them, no it's just not high on their priority list at the moment. Take it away and see how that changes. You need to find a way to move this need down your priority list. Either satisfy it or move other things above it.

[stephaniec]

I'm going FT this summer. Hopefully the HRT will help by then. For me I'm just at the point I have no other option but to do it regardless of the attitude of any one else . The need is from deep with in and has been there from birth.

[suzifrommd]

Being non-passable sucks. People know your story upon looking at you. You invite all sorts of judgment, and people are quick to gender you male. Being passable rocks. People give you the kind of smiles they reserve only for women. You get treated like a woman wherever you are.

Being passable sucks. You're always wondering whether people read you, wondering whether they'll find out your past and reject you, either for being queer, or not being forthcoming. Being non-passable rocks. The happiest trans women I know IRL are all non-passable (That is 100% true). They are free to be themselves and don't have anything to hide. They can be out and proud.

It really is how you look at it.

[amZo]

An alternative way of approaching this is, do you blend? Basically, that means when people see you and interact with you, do they feel "yep, makes perfect sense to me."

I don't pass, but I can blend very well. This is an attitude, a confidence, getting to ideal weight, proper dress, etc.  In fact, days I'm not confident, I don't even attempt presenting female, it would be a disaster for me.

Fact is, some (many?, most?, who cares?) trans women who feel they pass, don't IMO. They blend.

IMO only a cis-woman is unassailably female. In other words, almost all trans women have male markers that would raise some question if scrutinized close enough.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Sami! Not every one here who passes because of confidence had easy transitions. Mine was definitely not easy after serving 28 years in the Alpha Dog career of Paramedic/Firefighter. OMG just the opposite. When the guys found out, well, imagine the stuff me and my reputation took. What is funny is my confidence level backfired on them because they did not get to me or change my mind. It left them no further enjoyment because I was feeling no pain from it. I pass and have confidence because in that line of work you find out what is really important in life. It is not stuff, looks, money or anything close to that. It is life itself! Life, the thing I was not living and going through miserably every day of my life that I denied my real self. After seeing so many people cry out for more time as they were dying I made the decision to make sure that was not me. When I go out of this world I want to do so happily and fulfilled, not living up to others ideas and expectations. I want to go out knowing I lived MY life happy, fulfilled and without a regret one. Even if I die before SRS I will die happy because I lived the rest of my life as me on my terms. I will die as myself, Jessica, the real me!

[kelly_aus]

An alternative way of approaching this is, do you blend? Basically, that means when people see you and interact with you, do they feel "yep, makes perfect sense to me."

I don't pass, but I can blend very well. This is an attitude, a confidence, getting to ideal weight, proper dress, etc.  In fact, days I'm not confident, I don't even attempt presenting female, it would be a disaster for me.

Fact is, some (many?, most?, who cares?) trans women who feel they pass, don't IMO. They blend.

IMO only a cis-woman is unassailably female. In other words, almost all trans women have male markers that would raise some question if scrutinized close enough.

I've seen an awful lot of cis-women with 'male markers'. M-shaped hairlines.. Male chins/noses/etc.

Do I pass or blend? I really have no idea. I mostly don't care. People gender me correctly, so I guess I'm doing something right.

[amZo]

I've seen an awful lot of cis-women with 'male markers'. M-shaped hairlines.. Male chins/noses/etc.

Do I pass or blend? I really have no idea. I mostly don't care. People gender me correctly, so I guess I'm doing something right.

And thank goodness for these gals! They make life easier on us. 

[Jessica Merriman]

And thank goodness for these gals! They make life easier on us. 

No doubt! *giggle*

[HelloKitty]

To me, blending is the same as passing.
It's weird but for me the more I try to pass, the better I do. I mean hair, clothes and makeup.

But the more I try to pass as in mannerisms and behaviour, attitude and all that, the less I do cuz it's kind of fake or forced. I can only be me and do what comes naturally. I wish i was a girly girl, but I'm not. More like average. A lil more feminine and girly than a tom boy, but thats me.

When I am myself and comfortable and not thinking about passing and all that goes with it, it tends to work very well.

Havent been misgendered in a long time now. Cant wait for the hrt to really start kicking in too. 4 months into it now

[sam79]

Sorry Sami, I don't understand your post.

I apologise if this stikes a nerve, it's not my intention. But from your last photo posted, you shouldn't have any more issues passing than I do. I cannot see any pronounced male characteristics in your photo. Sure, it might take a little effort, just as my look requires time and effort for it to work, but I do just fine just as you should. So are you trying to appear feminine? There's so much potential with your hair, and your beautiful face. With your hair up, some nice drop earings, and subtle makeup, I doubt you'd have any issues.

Edit: For the record, some transwomen who pass physically very very well out themselves through their deportment and mannerisms. It's so important to be able to play the part too.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Sami,

Ill come from a different slant , i dont pass or blend in as a female im not talking about being a woman , this is about how i look,  okay,

My features are quite male in my facial features, and from an other women friend a bit older said to me 3 year ago i must have looked a very handsome looking man,  hmmm yes i would say you are correct, no dought i did, just one miner issue im not a full male as she well knows, because im intersexed, im both male / female by default,  i had / have no say in this matter, so you see some of us ill use the expression mirror mirror on the wall whos the farirst of us all.  well lets get it right , certinly not this kid,

Yet i am a woman because i have ... grown in  to being one  yes maybe by default as female,  still does not change how i look and does not stop how im fully accepted by many many people and hold rank in different areas with in our community here in Waimate  and else were,

You see what im saying its not by only look we are known its by who we are as a person first then for my self as a normal woman, iv  earned what i have if worked for it and been accepted on being who i am not what i am in  how i look  or dont,  see the difference,  not by look alone .

Im accecpted over in Austraila no different there, and i meet many 1000.s of people, 

If you meet me youll see what i mean its when you get to know me that will make the difference with friendships or how people get on with you, or i with them,

...noeleena...

[Tristan]

When I first started I felt like passing was half the battle. Post op many years later. I still feel the same way

[SamiT]

Thank you ladies for the great comments. There is a lot there that resonates with me.

I know on the inside I am more woman than 95% of the Cis-Women I have ever know. Which makes these feelings that the outside doesn't match the inside such a standout. Yes its true many people have said things just as SammyRose has that I should have no reason not to fell I pass.. Its not so much about passing or blending in. For me its getting to the perspective of I don't care if I pass. For me that is a much more powerful position. To me it represents the ideal that I know who I am there is no question.

I have been seeing a therapist through this process. I chose one that has GID skills and could provide me with a letter when the time came. Unfortunately there is not a lot of trans resources in my area. I drive over 300 miles each way to see her. So if I'm lucky I can go 6 times a year to see her. That said 50% of the session is spent playing catch up and 15 to 20 minutes to get into meaty issues.  That leaves me to work thru a lot of it with the tools I have at hand.. This is just one I'm hung on.

I don't mean to down play those that have been so successful transitioning. Each persons path truly is different Its also what make each one of us even more special.. Our life experiences are something that most can only fathom. To cross a boundary that is as old as time and to make it successfully. Maybe my goals are to lofty.. If only I could be half as successful as a woman as I have been as a man..