My ftm boyfriends family has him questioning my sexuality.

[Mahmi]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my ftm boyfriend officially 6 months and have been dating about a year now. I found out he was transgender after our second date.  I have never had a problem with my boyfriend being transgender. I love him so much .
He has known he was transgender his whole life and has wanted to start his transition for years but has never had the support to do it. I am very supportive and have  given him enough support that he feels confident enough to tell his family he is not just a butch lesbian but is transgender and is going to start transitioning.
He has told his mom and sister and they both took it fairly well. But now his sister is questioning my sexuality. I am a Cis female and have always considered myself to be a lesbian but questioned possibly being pansexual or bisexual  as a  teenager. My boyfriend and I have had this discussion many times and both have said that we are content just not labeling it.  He is very sensitive when it comes to labels because he hasn't fully transitioned and feels like if  I say I'm straight I'm going to want a Cis male but if I say I'm a lesbian I won't want him and If I say I'm bisexual then I'm going to want one or the other which he feels kind of in between right now so feels he won't make me happy. Honestly his family questioning me has brought up all of these thing that we had gotten past. I know I love him and  he knows that. But now that his family is questioning me  I feel maybe I need  some help trying to figure this out.
I don't know if anyone else has gone through this or is going through it. We consider our relationship to be straight and I feel like his family should just accept that. I need help talking to his family and I guess putting a label on myself for the sake of this conversation not being brought up constantly.

[Jessica Merriman]

As long as you love each other it is no one else's business. Put your concerns into real issue's like making sure the transition goes smoothly and safely and everything that can be done to help the physical healing is done. Keep loving each other and living your lives to the fullest extent possible. They have no right to question you in the first place, it is inappropriate.

[Adam (birkin)]

Yeah, it's not really their place to question. I understand why it would make him feel insecure though, as I really worry about that kind of thing from time to time. As I see it, as long as you treat him like any other guy, that should be enough to assuage his doubts.

[Mahmi]

Thank you both this is the first time I've really talked about anything in our relationship to anyone besides my boyfriend. I feel better knowing it's not just me and him thinking it's inappropriate. We are both kind of on edge trying to work out details of therapy and doctors appointments and things so this becoming such a pushy subject has made me feel like I could just be being sensitive and overreacting due to everything going on in our lives. Again thank you for your input just getting feedback from others helps tons. 

[LordKAT]

I totally agree, none of his family's business. I understand their curiosity but think it extremely rude to bring it up.

[frogo]

hey mahmi,

i am in a very similar position as you. although my family or his family did not really question me yet. it might come up at one time though as i 'just' came out as a lesbian during the last 2-3years. now i have a boyfriend ^^ but yeah whatever that's just the way it is.
i was and am thinking as well what labels are suitable for me and my sexuality. but the more i think about it the more i figure that all of them are somehow lame or don't fit perfectly when i put them in a specific context. for example my boyfriend does not really want to become 'straight' as he really identified strongly as a lesbian for a very long time in his life. so for him it is strange to be heterosexual suddenly. so maybe the term queer would be more appropriate? than at the same time not everyone can understand queer so we will be a heterosexual couple in a lot of people's eyes. just we know that this is nearly but not quite right being read as a 'straight' couple will be a challenge for me to i guess but i know that although i might feel uncomfortable sometimes i will get used to it and find my own ways of dealing with this label.

i wish you both the strenghts to tell his family that they should stop 'investigating' you and your relating. you have enough other important things to figure out. just tell them: we know our sexuality(ies) and its non of your business!

[Dahlia]

He sounds totally absorbed in his transition....without considering you.

He's become a bit selfish in not accepting you, no matter what you are.

The early stages of transition always seem to be 'one way traffic', it's only about the transtitioning T and not (also) about the significant one, his/her relatives, friends etc.

[LordKAT]

It sounds like you didn't read the OP. He accepts her just fine.

[retransition]

I agree with what most of the others have said. Don't worry about labels. If you just accept that you are two people who love each other and not get hung up on what sexual orientation your relationship should be classified under you will be much better off. Your relationship exists in a kind of middle ground so if you try to lock it down in terms of what type of sexual orientation it represents you could go around in circles forever.

But the possibility is out there (and this happens) that one of you (usually the trans partner in a relationship) will eventually have this become an issue for them.  If he gets to a point where he feels that the fact that you identify as lesbian is interfering with his own self-image as a man this could become an issue.  Sometimes people choose partners as a way to define themselves.  Sounds like your beau is above this but I am just putting it out there.  My main thought though remains - you are in love, a precious thing! Stop worrying about it and enjoy it.

[Dahlia]

It sounds like you didn't read the OP. He accepts her just fine.

<He is very sensitive when it comes to labels because he hasn't fully transitioned and feels like if  I say I'm straight I'm going to want a Cis male but if I say I'm a lesbian I won't want him and If I say I'm bisexual then I'm going to want one or the other>

[Mahmi]

He sounds totally absorbed in his transition....without considering you.

He's become a bit selfish in not accepting you, no matter what you are.

The early stages of transition always seem to be 'one way traffic', it's only about the transtitioning T and not (also) about the significant one, his/her relatives, friends etc.

I'm not sure if saying he is not accepting of me is true because he is but when this subject comes up he just gets pretty sensitive about it. We are happy being in love and honestly he was scared to go through with transitioning but because I have other friends who are transitioning I've talked to them and tried to make sure any questions my boyfriend had but wasn't sure where to look for have been answered. I think the fact he has never had a girlfriend that tried to help him with getting his transition started and they have never been supportive has been hard and now that I am so supportive because I've been around others who have or are transitioning it is shocking him. Which makes him feel like I want a man and with this still the early stages of transitioning he doesn't feel he is man enough. So it's not that he isn't accepting of me it's he is still not accepting of himself which makes this topic a shaky topic for him.

[Mahmi]

hey mahmi,

i am in a very similar position as you. although my family or his family did not really question me yet. it might come up at one time though as i 'just' came out as a lesbian during the last 2-3years. now i have a boyfriend ^^ but yeah whatever that's just the way it is.
i was and am thinking as well what labels are suitable for me and my sexuality. but the more i think about it the more i figure that all of them are somehow lame or don't fit perfectly when i put them in a specific context. for example my boyfriend does not really want to become 'straight' as he really identified strongly as a lesbian for a very long time in his life. so for him it is strange to be heterosexual suddenly. so maybe the term queer would be more appropriate? than at the same time not everyone can understand queer so we will be a heterosexual couple in a lot of people's eyes. just we know that this is nearly but not quite right being read as a 'straight' couple will be a challenge for me to i guess but i know that although i might feel uncomfortable sometimes i will get used to it and find my own ways of dealing with this label.

i wish you both the strenghts to tell his family that they should stop 'investigating' you and your relating. you have enough other important things to figure out. just tell them: we know our sexuality(ies) and its non of your business!

Hey there forgo,

The issue you have with that label thing is where I am. Difference is my boyfriend wants to be a straight man. At least for now. Good luck to you and your boyfriend. I hope that you both stay happy in your relationship and don't let others come in between you both. Don't let others questioning you because I'm sure it will happen although I hope it doesn't bring dispute into your lives. Thank you for your support and your kind words. One day I'm sure the world will be more open and all these labels won't be needed. It's not only in the 'straight' world but 'lgbtq' world as well. It's hard to be openly trans sometimes because people in general seem to be so pushy for a label which makes it's difficult not only for the one transitioning but the S/O.

[Mahmi]

I agree with what most of the others have said. Don't worry about labels. If you just accept that you are two people who love each other and not get hung up on what sexual orientation your relationship should be classified under you will be much better off. Your relationship exists in a kind of middle ground so if you try to lock it down in terms of what type of sexual orientation it represents you could go around in circles forever.

But the possibility is out there (and this happens) that one of you (usually the trans partner in a relationship) will eventually have this become an issue for them.  If he gets to a point where he feels that the fact that you identify as lesbian is interfering with his own self-image as a man this could become an issue.  Sometimes people choose partners as a way to define themselves.  Sounds like your beau is above this but I am just putting it out there.  My main thought though remains - you are in love, a precious thing! Stop worrying about it and enjoy it.

The fact that I have questioned at one point in my life if I was pansexual I honestly don't mind not calling myself a lesbian. I love my boyfriend so much and he accepts me for me and I accept him for him. But being so early in transition he is in a kind of fragile state with trying to figure out what is about to happen with him so his family trying to make him question all of these things is hard. Thank you for your input I'm so glad that there are others who are open minded and see that love is love in all forms. We love each other and that's what matters.

[blueconstancy]

I agree with everyone else that questioning you like this is just rude and inappropriate. This is something that you had worked out between the two of you (and he's understandably sensitive, but he'd been happy with the status quo until they interfered), and letting them ruin it is unfair to both of you. I recommend simply telling them exactly that, if more gently - "we've worked this out between us and are comfortable with it. how and if I label my sexuality is not up for discussion or debate."

Dahlia, for someone who claims to be on the SO's side, what you've said here *also* sounds kind of rude. It's up to them to determine how to handle this, and if she's happy with her boyfriend and considers him to be acting reasonably, it's none of our business. She's asking for suggestions on dealing with people OUTSIDE the relationship... not auditioning for more people to start judging her, him, and their relationship! (For the record, my wife did just fine in focusing on my needs and caring about me - to the point where sometimes I had to push her to focus more on herself! - and I would have been quite angry if someone had said what you just did about her.)

Incidentally, Mahmi, I am now generally perceived as lesbian (my wife is a trans woman), and while it doesn't thrill me I long ago came to terms with the idea that my orientation would be constantly misunderstood - I'm bi, and lots of people assume that instead my orientation matches my partner's gender. It's ridiculous, and I think you deserve a lot of credit for being OK with walking away from the label "lesbian," since that can be hard to give up. It's totally, 100% fine for you to choose not to have any labels on your orientation at all, for now or for ever. We are not obligated to slap handy shorthand words on ourselves for the benefit of others, especially people who are then going to be obnoxious about it.

[LindsayJill]

I'm in a similar situation as someone who has mostly identified as a lesbian (I identified as bisexual when I first came out, but my attraction to men decreased over time). My partner just started to transition from female to male, and I've found a lot of security in identifying as queer, which is also how he identifies. Queer to me means that I'm definitely not straight, and it feels like there's a lot of space there for attraction to grow and change. Queer feels like there's no judgment about my past and no expectations for my future, which is comforting.  I'm definitely looking to talk to other people who have identified similarly, so feel free to message me!