Crossdresser or Transexual?

[TinaMadisonWhite]

Your description of yourself strikes me as decidedly more transsexual.  But that is something you have to decide for yourself.  I am clearly projecting my personal experience.

What stands out in your comments is who you do and don't identify with.  I think that this is important.

I also think that this is a very confusing topic when you are pre-HRT.  It is a trite expression that men have two brains.  In my case, they were in constant conflict.  The brain between my ears was in a constant state of agitation and disgust with some of the "feelings" and "thoughts" expressed by the brain between my loins.  My only recourse was similar to yours: to imagine myself as the woman in any sexual encounter.

I am not suggesting that you go on HRT.  But, in my case, it was the first time in my life that I felt like one integrated person.  For me, accepting that I am a transsexual had less to do with outward expression and more to do with eliminating inner turmoil.  I really don't care who or what I am - as long as I am one person.  My decision came down to making the gender between by legs conform to the gender between my ears.

Good luck!

[SerenityTG]

Every time I act and move more feminine I get reminded that I have a male body. Its a struggle to get over that feeling. When I walk outside I walk a more feminine walk with my hips and it feels lovely, but the desire is there to do that with a female body. Not a guy body acting feminine. I want to be a woman acting feminine.

I don't really have a big desire to have a vagina (though I think I might enjoy it more than a penis). My main desire is to have a smooth soft body, a female body with no ugly manly body hair. No typical male body fat. I want to be able to go about my day in a cute top without people looking weird. I want to experience the world as a woman.

The key is for me personally, I don't mind being a guy having a penis, I'm happy with my life. I just would be more happy with a female body and a vagina. I fantasize during sex that I always am a woman. I never had this male desire to sex.

I want to be able to go to the gym in female work outfits, cute top and yoga pants without people staring and saying "Look at that guy wearing woman's clothing". I want to go to the gym being a woman wearing yoga pants and a cute top and people not batting an eye, because after all, I am just a woman going to the gym.

Its common that dysphoria gets bad the older you get, its already bad for me right now. I'm scared of what it would be in my late 30s. I'm scared that the dysphoria would take over completely and being stuck as a guy and possibly do more damage in my life by transitioning in my late 30s (kids, wife, work, etc).

[FilaFord]

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[SerenityTG]

You should go see a gender therapist, and emphasize on this statement right here.  My wife and I talked about it for hours and that's why I'm going to be transitioning now.  No sense in doing more damage.  I'm happy as a man but I hate having to maintain a manly appearance, so I feel I'd be happier living as a woman.  There is no prerequisite of being unhappy in order to transition. 

The only reason I wouldn't want to transition is if I thought that it would make me lose happiness.  Even at the thought of losing some friends and possibly family, transition still outweighs it all by a lot.  I don't even see myself as a woman right now because I have put on the manly role for so long.  I'm a woman when I think about the future, in my dreams, and in my mind sometimes.   But until I get on HRT, master the art of make-up, learn a little more style, grow some hair, do-all-the-things-most-girls-do-when-they-are-teenagers, etc... then yeah, I will be some sort of androgynous gender nomad.  When my appearance and presentation are more in tune with my vision, then I am going to be one happy camper.  Patience is a virtue.

You are completely right. I need to go back to therapy again. From posting this thread I figured that i'm 90% sure that I'm transgender and not a cross dresser. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with it. Low dose of HRT sounds great but I know that if I mention and talk to this to my current partner she will break up with me "for my happiness". Because she wants a man, not a woman.

[FilaFord]

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[Alice]

SerenityTG,

You sound just like me when I went through my struggles. I found it is ok to be a CD, there is a gender scale and it is OK to be between male and female. There is no right or wrong answer here.

Alice

[ana]

I can only really provide observation from my own experiences....

I am definitely on the transsexual side of the scale, for me CD helps to fill a gap but it is not enough. Since I have a slim built and long hair  I am not unhappy with my body, but I am unhappy with my facial and body hair, and I ache to have a more curvy body type and softer skin, which I hope to have with HRT.  Any struggles that I have, come from external pressures not internal turmoil. Cd does not provide me with the serenity, peace, and happiness that I strive.

I know that the answer might be a bit simplistic, but I think the question is a simple one, if you can say you are happy and contented as a CD, then that is what you are, but if it is not enough and there is something more you need to be happy, then you are probably closer to the transgender side. If you are struggling with the answer, then you might be struggling with coming to terms with being transgender.

Best of wishes hun
xxx hugs !

[Rachel85]

I remember this joke. What is the difference of crossdresser and transexual ?  3 years.
Lol it comes true for me.

I heard it as two years... lol same

Serenity, you are doing an amazing thing just looking into and seriously thinking about yourself in this regard. As many other people have posted you sound like you are Trans* somewhere on the spectrum but don't let anyone tell you where you fit, that is something you need to find out yourself. Seeing a councilor, psychologist or psychiatrist may help but tbh one of the most useful resources I found was speaking with other people in the trans* community, Susan's included. You realise just how similar two peoples (or more, many, many more!) stories can be. I've also met a number of people who "would just love" to transition but don't, convince themselves they can't and a number who are CD and feel that it is "enough" for them. Who am I to judge, everyone is different.

All the reasons you stated earlier are very typical and normal. In my experience I knew that this side of me was never going to go away and that I would not be able to hide it or forget about it long term, even short term. Yes, it was a scary considering and reconsidering all my options but I knew I only had one.

So here I am! On the age thing, I'm 28, started HRT at 27 and as many of the girls have been saying, that makes us fairly young in the grand scheme of things (Although I would be lying if I said I don't have times where I envy people that transition as kids, but that would have been an entirely different thing and I wouldnt be the person I am today).

GL with your journey!

[barbie]

As others said, it is not important what category or noun you are defined by. Also, passing is not so much critical, at least for me.

Sexuality is important for all of creatures including us, Homo sapiens sapiens and transgender people. Freud wrote that sexual desire is the ultimate force of maintaining human life. Sex, eroticism, art, culture, and science are all interconnected.

My colleagues, friends and students all know that I am a dad. Still, some of them praise my feminine beauty and courage to express my own feelings. In my life, strangers in the street are not so much important to me. My families and friends are far more important, and whether I pass or not is meaningless to them. I sometimes wear 5.5 inch heels when having dinner with my colleagues. And my female colleagues at their 30s mostly envy my body figure, and sometimes treat me like their female friends.

While drinking together late at night with my old friends last week:



barbie~~

[SerenityTG]

Thanks all for the replies, it helps me a lot.

I figured the reason why I'm struggling now is that I have no place now to express myself. My girlfriend knows and understands that i'm bigender. She does however not like the cross dressing but she handles it. She accepts who I am in that context.

But during the day when I feel feminine, like a woman. And I mention something that makes me sound like a woman she visually gets upset in her face. If I call a girly dress cute, she looks strange at me. She always calls me masculine pronouns which hurts me every time. When I talk to her about these things, she always goes into defense mode and results in saying "You should find someone who is bi and would love for you to dress up as a girl". I don't have this safe relationship where I can freely talk about these feelings because the moment I open up a bit more, she goes into defense mode and starts freaking out and saying that "I should become a girl full time, its clear you are happier as her." or "You are way more sexually excited when we have sex when you are a girl".

This happened every time we talked about it so I have this feeling built up that I cant talk to her about it. She says she is ok with me dressing up, but I see it in her eyes that she hates it. That she wishes I was just a normal masculine guy.

And some days its perfect, she is loving and she calls me cute sweet words. The dysphoria is there every day. Some days very mild, some days very hard.

I have my triggers like, seeing a beautiful woman passing by, I cant help but think "I wish I was her". Someone calling me sir, I cant help but think "Bleh, I don't want to be called sir, I would love madam more".

[barbie]

It is very natural that your girl friend worries about you and herself, isn't it?

You need to reassure her that your career, love and relationship will not be affected by your dressing and other feminine things. It will take long time for her to understand you.

Probably you may go shopping together and she may advise you in choosing various fashion and beauty items.

My wife also initially worried that I may become a woman, or that I may become a gay, but that was not the case. I have maintained my role as dad in my family, and she no longer worries about me and my kids. It was not just wife who worried me. All people surrounding me did the same.

barbie~~