Don't know what to do--Feeling heartbroken.

[Kitty-Nin]

I'm a cis-gender female who identifies as pansexual and autoandrophilic, and for over two years now I've been living with my MtF (pre-transition) boyfriend. I've know since our first date that he was MtF and that was fine--more than fine actually, because I'm more attracted to trans, intersex, or androgynous persons than I am to either traditional gender.

Over the last several months, he seems to have suddenly decided... I don't know what. That he doesn't want to be transgender anymore? He stopped dressing in female clothes or doing hair or makeup (which was previously a normal occurrence. He was not living as a woman but would frequently go out as one and more often that not would dress as a woman around the house, or go out as a male but wearing some makeup and/or some female clothes). Previously he had always planned on transitioning and we had talked about it somewhat often. He was unsure about bottom surgery but definitely wanted hormones and possibly breast implants (depending on the results of the hormones).

It's been very hard to get him to talk about what's going on, he says he doesn't want to, but what I've been able to drag out is that he 'just hasn't felt feminine lately' (I'd argue that this happens to all women from time to time), he's worried about it possibly affecting his future career (we are planning to move outside the US in the future to a country that is significantly more accepting), and that he thinks he's too old to transition successfully (he's only 25!). I've been trying to think about it as little as possible since he doesn't want to talk, but just today I come home from work and while cleaning he had packed all of his 'girl things' away into storage bins.

I don't know what to do. I still love him of course but I also feel a deep sense of loss and grief. I feel like I have lost someone close to me even though he is still here, and I want to cry all the time lately. Worst of all I feel as though I have to constantly hide how sad I am, I can't talk to him about it because I don't want him to know how much it's affected me and want to be supportive whatever he chooses, and he just doesn't want to talk about it. I'm having to hide that I'm completely heartbroken, and I have no one to talk to.

Worst of all is that I can't even understand my loss. From what I understand this isn't something that one just grows out of, and even if he was going to, I would have thought it would have been before age 23 (when I met him).

I am feeling very sad and alone.

[Jessica Merriman]

First  . I hope that helps a little bit knowing someone cares.

Second, show him my avatar picture. I started transition at 47 years old and pass just fine, so age is not an issue. I have lost 14 more pounds since it was taken.

This could be a "purge" moment for him. Sometimes for whatever reason people will feel guilt or something else and try to "throw away" the feelings we have inside. I did it several times before I really understood what it was I was going through. I don't understand it though since you support and even encourage the situation. Maybe it is time to consult a therapist with gender experience. From what you say you remind me of cis wives who find out their SO is MtF and feel betrayed. You met and formed a relationship with someone that you thought you knew and found out maybe the situation wasn't what you thought it was. Has there been some form of stress in your SOs life that could have caused this predicament? Has someone said something or expressed thoughts condemning your SO? There has to be something to develop the current mindset, especially with a supportive partner. This is perplexing to say the least. If your SO has gender Dysphoria it may fade for a while, but come back with a vengeance.

[Brooke777]

First off, your feelings are perfectly understandable.  Like Jessica said, you have already formed a connection with someone you thought was one way, and they are changing that.

Second, 25 is plenty young. I started at 29, and pass quite well.

Third, I had to get to a point of life or death before I transitioned. We all go through different stages prior to finally deciding what we need to do. Your SO may need a bit more time to fully come to terms with who they are.

Best of luck.

[Ltl89]

I'm really sorry you are going through this sense of loss.  It's quite common, however, for our significant other's to grieve when we decide on making changes that may alter how we are perceived.  Keep in mind that this may not necessarily be a temporary thing and he may have decided that transitioning isn't right for him.  If you are very concerned, encourage him to open up and share his feelings.  There can be a multitude of reasons that he is going through this.  It's important to find out what specifically is going on with him in order to make sure you are both happy as individuals and as a couple.  Again, don't worry about grieving.  It's completely normal to go through.

One thing I did want to say is that I hope he isn't avoiding transitioning only because of fear of his age.  I was originally going to transition at 19 but went through so much fear that I didn't get the nerve to start until I was 24.   It's something I regret as the feelings never went away and it was inevitable that I would transition no matter how hard I tried to erase the feelings.  Let me say, there are no guarantees with hormones and everything, but starting at 25 isn't too late at all if he is concerned about passing.  While it is true that hormones take can only do so much, the fact is they are usually more receptive the younger you are.  Sure, it takes time and there will be an awkward in between stage but not transitioning isn't an impossibility for him soley because of his age.  If he has decided on not transitioning for other reasons as well, that's understandable.  However, if it is only because of the age or society, I think that's a bit concerning.  If the desire to transition and live as female still exists in his heart, it may continue to manfest despite the practical reasons he is avoiding it.  The last thing he should do is deny himself or wait years to accept his situation, especially when he has the support of his SO.  Talk to him.  Find out what is in his heart.  That's the most important thing.  Maybe he simply isn't feeling feminine anymore or maybe he is going through a period of fear.  In any case, it's something that will be worthwhile for you to have an open minded discussion as a couple even if it is a hard conversation.   

Good luck with everything!

[SunKat]

I'm wondering whether your SO's purging and unwillingness to talk are signs of an underlying depression?   From the way you describe it, it sounds as though you feel like you are walking on eggshells in order not to upset her... so I assume that she isn't happily packing away her things and and cheerfully engaging in 'manly' pursuits.

If this sounds about right, then perhaps what you are mourning is not your partner's 'girlishness' but her former openness, cheerfulness and positive personality.  While you would like to support her in whatever she decides... it is very hard to support someone who is doing something that makes them distant and unhappy.

If your SO is depressed, that can be very difficult to deal with.  Many of the thoughts and behaviors that you have when you are depressed are self-defeating.  You may pull away from from love ones when what you really want is someone to hold you while you cry.  Or you may lie and pretend things are fine when really you just want life to be over with.

If your SO is happily giving up her girlish ways... then be happy for him.  But if she seems to be distant and sulky, then you'll need to address the possibility of depression.

[Jessica Merriman]

Is there any possibility she doesn't believe you support her? Do you know of any problems at work or financially? This is perplexing to say the least.

[Kitty-Nin]

I'm sure that he knows I support him. His brother lives near us and he supports him, and he doesn't have any friends who are against it. We live in a city that is fairly LGBT-friendly. I know that he is nowhere near too old to transition and have told him as much.

I know that last year he gained a little bit of weight (not much really, but he's a very skinny build so it felt like a lot to him) and he was kind of upset about that, but over this past summer he lost most of it. He also started hitting that sort of 'second puberty' that most guys get in their early-mid 20's, and that had him really really down for a while. Though, it isn't like it turned him into a man-beast or anything, he just got slightly more facial and body hair (his beard is still so thin that I have honestly seen unfortunate cis-gendered women with more facial hair). He was really depressed about it for a while but has seemed okay lately.

The only other thing I can think of is that he is worried about it affecting his future career. We are in college right now and he is getting a degree in engineering with a focus on robotics. We've talked before about how if he is worried about his career he could always take lower doses of hormones--enough to get some feminization, but little enough that he could still present as male in the workplace. He's naturally very androgynous looking, so it's something he could easily get away with, especially since the beauty standard for men has gotten fairly feminine over the past several years. Honestly though I sometimes have felt like he is making the whole career thing a much bigger obstacle than it is.

I think I am going to tell him I want him to talk to a gender therapist. He had planned to go to one when we moved back to this city and hasn't ever gotten around to doing it. I'm worried that he's going to put this all away for now, but then in five or ten years he might suddenly want to transition again.. which is fine, but I do know it's something that's better the earlier it's done.

[JoanneB]

I went through two periods in my early twenties when I "experimented" with transitioning. After a while the urge to be "Normal" fed by all the guilt, shame, fear, and negative self esteem, won out and I ended the experiment. Also add in the sexual attraction to women being in conflict with one of my key characteristics or what a transsexual person should poses. Binary thinking also lives in the trans world when you start thinking if I don't feel that I am a "real man" then I must transition full time to female.

Bottom line - There is a lot of baggage that comes along with being trans.

[Jessica Merriman]

Bottom line - There is a lot of baggage that comes along with being trans.

No kidding Joanne! I think we have more than most major airlines.

[SunKat]

I think that going to a therapist is a good start.  Your SO is free to resolve this in any way that they choose, but it's important to find closure and a positive resolution to the issue.  You are right in thinking that if he buries these feelings that he may come back to wanting to transition in another 5, 10 or even 50 years...  but those years can be hell.  Many of us who come back to transition later, after a lifetime of suppression,  feel driven to it by dysphoria, depression and suicidal thoughts.  The trauma of burying something like this can also lead to personality disorders that make our lives and the lives of our partners miserable.

As far as the lower doses of hormones... your SO may not be ready hormones, but they might want to consider taking anti-androgens and putting any further masculization on hold until this is all sorted.

I hope everything works out well for you two and I'm glad that your SO has your support and that of his brother and friends. I know that this has been very tough for you as well.   Having said that, I hope I can add an additional observation...  The support that we are given is not always the support that we perceive.  It's possible for everyone around you to be supportive, yet still feel that you are all alone in your problems. 

What we need in order to feel validated and supported can be very subtle. 
   It can be knowing that people use the right pronouns for us even when we aren't there. 
   It can mean being flirted with and having our attractiveness and desirability reaffirmed. 
   It can mean being unselfconsciously included in conversations and activities.
   It can mean having those around us expect us to naturally conform to a cross-gender role.

What we desire is to feel unconditionally accepted and desired as who we are.  Merely being supported can feel like being a burden or a disappointment to those who love us.  It's the difference between feeling pride and shame. It's the difference between feeling that our gender and existence are not just tolerated, but celebrated by those we love.