Hi there everyone! 
Anyone else identify or have experience with the following?Having a really difficult time deciding whether or not to permanently remove one's beard?I've been shaving off my beard, and all stubble (including trace of side-burns) since late 2010. My presentation is feminine androgynous, the vast majority of time. I'm currently at the "weird" stage I guess, whereby my presentation is now reached pronounced feminine whilst my features are now pronounced masculine. I just about get away with it due to my very slight build, and long hair, but this androgynous concession isn't going to be granted to me forever.
My issue is this - I love looking androgynous and (when I can) enjoy looking female. I feel younger, happier, with more energy and I feel I am a stronger, less agitated person when I look female or feminine androgynous. I feel more at ease with myself, and confident. The feeling is that something positive and powerful is emanating from within me.
However, on the odd recent occasions when I've had to let my facial hair grow, I've had the confusing experience of feeling comforted by the stubble, and turned-on by the feel of my facial stubble and the fact I think that this manliness is sexy. And yet, at the same time, I also feel more agitated about having the facial hair, plus my reflection depresses me. I have this huge mental inclination to shave off all facial hair, and yet I also experience another feeling (seems to emanate from my body) which is I feel the need to keep it.
~ ~ ~
Ultimately, it seems that my facial hair feels right for my body, and it feels good. But for my brain and/or identity it feels confusing and increasingly out-of-character with my identity. This is exactly the same conflict of interests that I feel when it comes to my sex drive - having sex with girls feels physically amazing, and yet feeling like the girl myself feels mentally amazing. However, both feel right in their own way. Two incompatible identities running side by side each needing the opposite of what the other needs.
This week I kept my facial hair for three days, and by the third day - I REALLY wanted rid of it, as I felt I was being buried by the masculinity. But yet at the same time, I found it quite sexy to have facial stubble. Anywho, I decided to shave it all off, anyway. I felt much more feminine and happier, but..... grrrrrr..... I feel my body hates being clean shaven, (and knows I'd stand a better chance of getting a gf with some facial foliage about my person). My body wants to be a beast, but I don't. I feel I am the driver of an increasingly powerful futuristic racing car which I am supposed to be part of, however, despite how much I love the feelings of power of being in-sort-of-control of it, I don't feel entirely comfortable driving this vehicle.
I need to know how to come to terms with removing permanently, how to deal with the sadness of having to do it. My facial hair also reminds me of my dad, and I adore my dad as we are very close and we have a deep respect for each other. Removing my facial hair feels like it would be removing traces of my dad, like its an extermination of the physical traits of one of my parents. This feeling really hurts, and I think my dad would also see it as my denying his heritage, too, if I were to remove the facial hair.
I feel that my internal identity is subject (and kept captive) by so many ties to the physical world that I inhabit, that its impossible to bring my identity into physical being, without suffering massive losses in the process. So, I'm at a loss as to whether to remove it permanently or continue to wax and close-shave it for the rest of my life, to minimise the feelings of loss and guilt.
Any ideas ladies and gents?
