Sorry but I need to let this out...

[Ryan B.]

[Warning: Lots of woe as me and ranting ahead; um, trigger warning maybe? Not really sure when this applies]



I hate hate hate hate hate writing this. I don't like broadcasting my problems but I'm just so fed up and need an outlet.

Things were progressing. Stopped repressing myself somewhere in the vicinity of 2012 and sought a therapist in 2013. Wanted to start hormones by the end of 2013 but of course, couldn't have that. Was talked into going through with the breast reduction. Was happier with the results.

Then everything just sorta stopped. I had the damn surgery at the very end of October and now nothing. Christmas drained any funds I had.

I'm currently jobless and can't even afford to go back to my therapist because of how ->-bleeped-<-ty my insurance is. I started job hunting but ended up stopping because of the bad weather (what's it going to matter if I get an interview if I can't get to it). In between snow storms though I did have a job interview. Which I proceeded to absolutely and totally bomb.

Had to start taking paxil for anxiety and it doesn't really help much (oh thank the freaking gods my insurance covers meds that barely help me at all!).

Because of this stupid weather I'm stuck in my house. My depression is starting to rear its ugly head again. I've been putting on weight because I can't control my eating. I eat because I'm depressed and bored and I'm depressed and bored because I'm trapped in this crappy house. I could probably still exercise... to some degree, but where's the motivation? Honestly.

I have no freakin' privacy anymore because my sister and her three kids moved in. I can't even lock myself in my room and let it all out without someone either trying to bother me or find out what's wrong.

I don't hang out with my friends anymore either.

I've been trying to bide my time. I spend a lot of time on youtube watching the more famous youtubers. Always always always starts out well and ends with me feeling bummed and dysphoric. I guess, I just get jealous of all the cis guys on there. :/  Ugh... I want hrt so bad. u_u

If anyone replies to this... I'll try to reply, but I'm sorry if I don't. My anxiety extends to the internet.... It's not a cop-out; I'm feeling anxious about just hitting the post button for this. u__u It's why I rarely post here, or anywhere really.

[ZombieDog]

I'm not really sure what to say, but I hope that at least voicing yourself helps some.  I know that when I'm feeling especially bad, I write in my journal.  I may still feel bad when I'm done, but at least my thoughts are organized.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I know how much that sucks.  If the meds aren't helping I recommend doing a little internet searching for some ways to relieve anxiety.  I know for me deep breathing and some mindless(easy) exercise help.  Unfortunately for anxiety and depression, the more you let yourself stagnate the worse it will become.  You're going to have to find a healthy outlet(ie: not food) to help yourself.  God knows I can't always motivate myself to exercise, but it's at least free and you can do it in your home regardless of the weather and with no money expenditure.

I also suggest you talk to your sister(and if her kids are old enough them too) about how you need your privacy and when you're in your room with the door shut that they need to give you some space unless it's an emergency(Obviously if zombies break in or the cat combusts you're gonna want to know.) 

With luck the weather will clear up soon, spring has to get here sooner or later, and you can resume your job hunt and using your new wages get a letter for HRT.  You could also try calling your therapist and discussing your problem with them.  They might be able to offer a sliding scale rate.  And depending on where you live, you might qualify for free or very low cost treatment for GID at a health center.  In the US the Department of Human Services is a good place to start.  A good google search should offer you a hand and maybe other members have good advice too.  And you need to tell whomever prescribed the paxil that it's not working.  They might be able to get you on something else that WILL work, or at least work better.

Keep your chin up and I wish you the best.

[Chaos]

I don't mean to counter anyone elses advice but the worst thing you can do when it comes to panic attacks or anxiety,is to 'breath'.though this doesn't make sense I'm sure,its best for people to do reseach on such things before handing out advice.during panic attacks or anxiety extremes,our oxygen is already cut in half-this is why we feel like our chest is being compressed or 'hard to breath' if we try harder to breath,we will then lose more and may end up based out,hyperventalating (spelled wrong I'm sure but you get the jest) so never tell an anxiety suffer 'to breath' or 'to chill out' and many other ignorant terms.first you need to find your 'triggers' these are things that cause the attacks or the anxiety to rear its head.after you do,then you need to figure out how extreme the attacks are 'can I handle them? Can I not?' Then find a way to remove yourself from said triggers.anxiety is unconcious fear that manafests outward.it can be so stronge that it can lierally phsically cripple us.one panic attack I had was so bad,I stopped breathing all together and nearly passed out on the floor.I had to drag myself away from the situation where I was then perfect.my panic attacks have sense turned to 'rage attacks' and then became worse and into 'phsycotic rage attacks' this is MUCH worse as instead of fear/running away-it is blood rage/defence.so now my mind doesn't want to run but fight and fight deadly.what sucks the most is being asleep like during it all.waking up to find you did something really bad the main reason for anxiety and my level,is surpressing fear and emotions until the mind begins to overload but because it is SO used to it,it acts on its own.its time for you to speak up to those who hurt you/surpressed you,in some way.be out spoken and honest.holding over 30 years of bs in-destroyed my mind.take walks,get awaay from the triggers and I promise you will make it through.as far as transition goes,all you can do is keep your eyes on the prize and achieve your goals any way you can.save money,focus only on a job,doctors and things like this.let everything else around you freeze in time and it will pass like it was yesterday.transition isn't easy on anyone but fullfilling to those who push their selves to their limity.

[debpossible]

If anyone replies to this... I'll try to reply, but I'm sorry if I don't. My anxiety extends to the internet.... It's not a cop-out; I'm feeling anxious about just hitting the post button for this. u__u It's why I rarely post here, or anywhere really.

Do you suffer from social phobia? The reason I ask is that I do and it extended to message boards.

[AdamMLP]

There's no need to apologise for posting on here, it's a support forum, it's what we're here for.  You can vent as often as you like.

It seems like you're stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling bad because you're stuck in your house, but because you're feeling bad you can't face getting out.  Is there anywhere private you can go that is at least out of the house?  Even just in your garden/yard.  The weather's awful, but you could wrap up warm, or if it's snowing, shovel the snow so you can see you've achieved something.  Perhaps if it's safe for you to do so, and you're comfortable doing it go out at night when there are no people around.  I don't know what your area is like though, so that might not be safe.  I was lucky in that I grew up in a small village, so I didn't have any qualms about going out late in the dark, it was just quiet and peaceful for me.

[Everly]

despite the sound, outdated, 'medical' advice from chaos (sorry dude just my opinion), in which avoiding your problems seems key, i would advise breathing deeply as well. but before you panic. oxygen is meant to relax you.

i also have a lot of anxiety issues that often lead to paranoia. ive learned to get past a lot of them through breathing, and taking the opportunity granted by the brief relaxed time period to rethink the issue more rationally.

im also seriously anxious (and paranoid) about venting online.

i generally just avoid doing it (which is where i do agree with chaos' dodge your problems advice)

[Ryan B.]

Do you suffer from social phobia? The reason I ask is that I do and it extended to message boards.

Yep, I do.


Crowds of people trigger my panic attacks (but I'm fine if I have at least one person I know with me :S). Otherwise I just have general anxiety towards all things social related. Including having four extra people in the house... I haven't really talked to any of them about privacy; they're all courteous enough to knock instead of just barging in (even the five year old). It's just these walls are paper thin. My outlet has always simply been locking myself away and crying. It feels good to just let it out every once in awhile, but I feel like I can't when everyone can hear me through the walls.

I think my biggest problem is being stuck in the house. I have a car, but do not have the gas nor the money to simply go out on a drive whenever I feel like it. I live on a highway in front of an addition. The addition is probably safe... I might try walking there later if it's not too cold.

Anyways, just expressing myself here has made me feel a bit better. Hopefully the weather will get better and stay better and I can continue job hunting without worry. And yeah, I do need to talk to my doctor about the paxil they prescribed... been dragging my feet on that one. >>

[Jessica Merriman]

Don't apologize baby! You rant or vent as much as you want to, we are family. I am like you in one aspect, I hate it when I can't get out because of the weather. We are having one of the worst winters since 2007 and it really bites! I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[Chaos]

Everly let me place a plastic sack over your head and face then when your suffocating,then let me keep reminding you to breath.DO NOT give advice that you know nothing about.a person who is suffering needs to know people care and are there,encouragement to face their triggers and to over come this way.telling someone to stop sneezing when they are allergic to cats-is bs and ignorant.and I never once told the OP to avoid anything but to know what starts it and ends it and with that,allowing them to have strength and faith in self.again an ignorant comment.aside from your (just an opinion that could cost someone their life) I can't stand people who say 'oh I know/been there/got it too' but don't take the life or health of others into consideration.when I have panic attacks and I pass out on the floor and not breathing,do you think I want to hear 'just breath' orr that if I even can? F++k no.anyway,agree with me or not-facts are different from opinion and in the life of a human being,there is NO opinion.to the OP-I wish you luck and I hope you face your tiggers with fearlessness

[Chaos]

what 'may work' for one,does not work for another.this subject at most bothers me because knowing my own disorder,I would beat the hell out of someone during an attack for suggesting such a thing-more so when they are not me.also knowing the best ways to deal with an attack is 1) idenifiy the trigger and do what's best for you.which could be facing it directly (aka two people fighting.get involved by asking them to stop) or remove yourself from the situation.2) always keep encouragement near.the best thing to hear during an attack is 'its ok.I got you' the mind needs to feel safe and secure,not over whelmed.but if people wish to keep forcing the 'breathing' suggestion knowing that its experimental (since everyone is different) then who am I to say otherwise

[AdamMLP]

I don't suffer from anxiety, but perhaps enthusiastically disagreeing with each other on a thread where someone has admitted that sometimes their anxiety extends to the internet isn't the best of ideas to help them.

[NathanielM]

I don't suffer from anxiety, but perhaps enthusiastically disagreeing with each other on a thread where someone has admitted that sometimes their anxiety extends to the internet isn't the best of ideas to help them.

You're right. Ryan B. and Chaos I'm sorry, I've removed my comments.