should I start transitioning, would really appreciate honest advice

[imtc]

Hi Everybody:

Here is my story, as I am at an intersection point in which I really need to decided if I want to start transitioning or forget about it forever, I would really appreciate if community can give me some good advice. I am trying to organize the story as best as I can.

I am 25, from one of the largest Asian country, I had feeling to be a girl since I have memory, like 5, 6 years old, I just want to dress like girl(e.g. steal mom's dress), I have clear memory that I have asked my mom when I was six about transgender thing, she then said "do you want to be a girl? I was afraid and then I said "no" ". When I was a child, I was always dreaming about someone would take me and turn me into a girl next year, this fantasy goes on though out my childhood(like every day, every time I think about it, I feel happy),  of course, the reality was I grown up like a normal boy. my first erection happened when I was 10 years old, while I was dressing in my mom's  clothes, and I was being excited by myself in the mirror.

although my fantasy of being a beautiful girl never stop, the reality was quite different, Since I went into puberty in a quite earlier age,  I was 180cm ish while I was only 13 or 14(now I am 185), in the place where I came from, it was quite high(the average height in my town would be 168cm for male and 158cm for female, I barely see any other person taller than myself in the town), since I was that tall, I was expected to be in the school basketball team---but I never being there, I was forced to try out one or two times but I really don't like it so I turned it down despite strong will from my physical teacher and school team. The main excuse I used by then was because I was at same time at Olympic mathematics team at my school as well,and I don't have time for basketball.

because I was the biggest guy in the class, I was always expected to show some very strong male characteristics in which I never did, I hate to be in a flight and I was never physically strong, and I never liked sports.

on the other hand of the story, I was good at mathematics, in fact, I win quite few competition in Olympic mathematics mental throughout my childhood,  and I also win competition in nature science in the middle school(in which combine of physicals, chemistry, biology),, it was very male thing, but I was very good at it.(one reason could be my father pushed me in this area and give me additional class at home about it because he was very good at it).

Then it come to internet and being a leader.

Throughout my childhood, I always like to be part of student committee, even though I never very good at political things, but I almost always have some sort of management job in the student committee till my middle school.

Because the job of my father, I had very earlier access to the internet at very earlier age(around 11, at later 90s), though I was never able to program anything(and I never understanded it), I really liked to discuss in a forum with different people, and I had become moderator for one of largest forum by then in the country when I was 12, the discussion was about political and military topic, I was quite enjoying it and I learned and developed a lot of my views to the world during that time.

When I went to my high school, I started to play world of Warcraft, an online game, the game was heavy depends on team work, in which based on an company-like organization inside the game called guild, I had built a small guild inside the game and I have quite few hundreds of members, and I really enjoyed that being a leader and organize things. It is the same time I decided that I want to be an successful internet entrepreneur and having my own company(story like bill gates and Steve jobs impaired me a lot).

Because I have spend all my time n the world of Warcraft during my high school years,  my exam results was extremely bad by then, in my country, it simply means I will not able to compete in the national college entry exam in which I will not able to attend a good college. My parents decided to sent me to one of the European country for study.

I went to the European school right after I graduate from high school, I was in school and pre-college school in total for about 2 years, I started my own company at the same year(2008), as far as my company made enough income for me, I quite the study.

6 years later, today, I've built a company has annual sales volume in millions, and I've made myself quite few millions in assets as well.

I have to say, I do enjoyed it to being a company leader and building service for people to use and growing my business, discover new opportunities. the whole silicon valley thing are very much impaired my life.

My girlfriend and boyfriend:

I had one "boy" friend I felt very close to when I was prepare for going abroad, I meet him in English class, we ware very good friends and we going out together everyday(I had a girl friend at same time),sometime we sleep together. I think he is straight guy and I don't think anything otherwise about our relation, but I do feel very good to stay with him, I even hold his hand while we walking together, even my then-girlfriend said we ware like couples and I was the girl.

then I had 4 girl friend:

I like to talk to them and I am very emotionally attached to each of them while I was being with them, I was enjoying <not allowed> them as well, the only problem with my sexual life is, I sometime would think if I ware the girl while I had sex with them, then it turn down my sex drive. But I learned to control them so it was fine. but except the last girl friend I was live with her, all the other girls we ware in different part of the world(e.g. one girl was Australia while I was in europe), we only meet once or twice a year, so most time I still masturbating myself with my little fantasy about being a girl.

To conclude:

1. I had very earlier feeling about "I really want to be a girl".
2. Despite my physical appearance, I was never physically strong and never enjoyed any boy's sports.
3. I like to be a leader of an organization, and I've made some quite male achievement throughout my life(from Olympic mathematics to built my own IT company).
4. I behave like normal male till today(having girlfriend and have sex with them)

I have been to the gender team in the country and I have been given green light two years ago, however, I have delayed it because of my sperm banking problem(I have hepatitis B infection and my sperm quality was not good enough, and they have to do exile for it, but my guess would be I used hormone for two weeks, then tested 6 month later, maybe that has something to do?), but of course it was mostly excuse because I was doubting.

I hesitated for following reasons:

1. transgender is discriminated in the most society, regardless what people saying politically correct is, the reality still being very much stressful to be a transgender. From my current "self-made young wealthy IT guy" to a girl was a man, it might turns from "everybody wants talk to me" to "nobody wants ever knowing me", especially in my society and culture.
2. I still want to have children, even though the doctor has told me that it is unlikely, I still believe if I will be put under testosterone treatment for a while maybe I will still have ability to have children.
3. I want to have a family, as I said before, I am very emotionally attached to my partner, I need someone there to give me social security, I would fear very much that if I have to go though my life alone.
4. because I really hate my own appearance since puberty, so I never cared about it, I look horrible now, I am 110kg and I look very hat urgently man, I really don't have any confident to turn myself into a passable woman. and if I loss enough weight, I believe I can be an attractive male with good height. and a little side thing is, I fear of surgeries.
5. because I had quite some achievement as a male---I will sometime wondering if all the thing is a delusion and I should trying to get away from it---if anyone can confirm this thoughts for me, is it possible? or like doing some male things has nothing to do with the transgender mindset? It will always be like this?

But I want to do it now for following reasons:

1. I see quite few people doing at later age(40 or 50), they had much larger family problem and it was almost unlikely for them to look 100% convincing, if I want to do it, I have to do it now as I am already 25, if I don't do it now, I might loss life chance to be looking 100% convincing, the last thing I want is being looked as a freak. So if I hold back now like I did in all my life, will I regret when I was 40 or 50 like I am regretting now for not doing it before puberty.
2. I want to be a beautiful girl at least once in my life.

I am trying to be very honest about my thought and stories, hope everybody can give me a good advice and your thought, thanks very much in advance, it is extremely important for me.

[Edge]

Hi and welcome.
If you want my opinion, I think you already know the answer. It is what you have wanted since you were a child.

[Michelle123]

You have the character to create a successful life, not to mention the resources.  I think you would make a success of this as well.  You may be surprised by how much you can change your body.

Your story reminds me of:
http://www.reneereyes.com/index.html

[Rachel]

Start today. See a gender therapist and start the process. You need to sort out what you want and the sooner the better. It is not, can you pull off looking female, it is can you continue as you have been. You may be surprised what HRT can do for you mentally.

[Ltl89]

Hi Everybody:

Here is my story, as I am at an intersection point in which I really need to decided if I want to start transitioning or forget about it forever, I would really appreciate if community can give me some good advice. I am trying to organize the story as best as I can.

I am 25, from one of the largest Asian country, I had feeling to be a girl since I have memory, like 5, 6 years old, I just want to dress like girl(e.g. steal mom's dress), I have clear memory that I have asked my mom when I was six about transgender thing, she then said "do you want to be a girl? I was afraid and then I said "no" ". When I was a child, I was always dreaming about someone would take me and turn me into a girl next year, this fantasy goes on though out my childhood(like every day, every time I think about it, I feel happy),  of course, the reality was I grown up like a normal boy. my first erection happened when I was 10 years old, while I was dressing in my mom's  clothes, and I was being excited by myself in the mirror.

although my fantasy of being a beautiful girl never stop, the reality was quite different, Since I went into puberty in a quite earlier age,  I was 180cm ish while I was only 13 or 14(now I am 185), in the place where I came from, it was quite high(the average height in my town would be 168cm for male and 158cm for female, I barely see any other person taller than myself in the town), since I was that tall, I was expected to be in the school basketball team---but I never being there, I was forced to try out one or two times but I really don't like it so I turned it down despite strong will from my physical teacher and school team. The main excuse I used by then was because I was at same time at Olympic mathematics team at my school as well,and I don't have time for basketball.

because I was the biggest guy in the class, I was always expected to show some very strong male characteristics in which I never did, I hate to be in a flight and I was never physically strong, and I never liked sports.

on the other hand of the story, I was good at mathematics, in fact, I win quite few competition in Olympic mathematics mental throughout my childhood,  and I also win competition in nature science in the middle school(in which combine of physicals, chemistry, biology),, it was very male thing, but I was very good at it.(one reason could be my father pushed me in this area and give me additional class at home about it because he was very good at it).

Then it come to internet and being a leader.

Throughout my childhood, I always like to be part of student committee, even though I never very good at political things, but I almost always have some sort of management job in the student committee till my middle school.

Because the job of my father, I had very earlier access to the internet at very earlier age(around 11, at later 90s), though I was never able to program anything(and I never understanded it), I really liked to discuss in a forum with different people, and I had become moderator for one of largest forum by then in the country when I was 12, the discussion was about political and military topic, I was quite enjoying it and I learned and developed a lot of my views to the world during that time.

When I went to my high school, I started to play world of Warcraft, an online game, the game was heavy depends on team work, in which based on an company-like organization inside the game called guild, I had built a small guild inside the game and I have quite few hundreds of members, and I really enjoyed that being a leader and organize things. It is the same time I decided that I want to be an successful internet entrepreneur and having my own company(story like bill gates and Steve jobs impaired me a lot).

Because I have spend all my time n the world of Warcraft during my high school years,  my exam results was extremely bad by then, in my country, it simply means I will not able to compete in the national college entry exam in which I will not able to attend a good college. My parents decided to sent me to one of the European country for study.

I went to the European school right after I graduate from high school, I was in school and pre-college school in total for about 2 years, I started my own company at the same year(2008), as far as my company made enough income for me, I quite the study.

6 years later, today, I've built a company has annual sales volume in millions, and I've made myself quite few millions in assets as well.

I have to say, I do enjoyed it to being a company leader and building service for people to use and growing my business, discover new opportunities. the whole silicon valley thing are very much impaired my life.

My girlfriend and boyfriend:

I had one "boy" friend I felt very close to when I was prepare for going abroad, I meet him in English class, we ware very good friends and we going out together everyday(I had a girl friend at same time),sometime we sleep together. I think he is straight guy and I don't think anything otherwise about our relation, but I do feel very good to stay with him, I even hold his hand while we walking together, even my then-girlfriend said we ware like couples and I was the girl.

then I had 4 girl friend:

I like to talk to them and I am very emotionally attached to each of them while I was being with them, I was enjoying <not allowed> them as well, the only problem with my sexual life is, I sometime would think if I ware the girl while I had sex with them, then it turn down my sex drive. But I learned to control them so it was fine. but except the last girl friend I was live with her, all the other girls we ware in different part of the world(e.g. one girl was Australia while I was in europe), we only meet once or twice a year, so most time I still masturbating myself with my little fantasy about being a girl.

To conclude:

1. I had very earlier feeling about "I really want to be a girl".
2. Despite my physical appearance, I was never physically strong and never enjoyed any boy's sports.
3. I like to be a leader of an organization, and I've made some quite male achievement throughout my life(from Olympic mathematics to built my own IT company).
4. I behave like normal male till today(having girlfriend and have sex with them)

I have been to the gender team in the country and I have been given green light two years ago, however, I have delayed it because of my sperm banking problem(I have hepatitis B infection and my sperm quality was not good enough, and they have to do exile for it, but my guess would be I used hormone for two weeks, then tested 6 month later, maybe that has something to do?), but of course it was mostly excuse because I was doubting.

I hesitated for following reasons:

1. transgender is discriminated in the most society, regardless what people saying politically correct is, the reality still being very much stressful to be a transgender. From my current "self-made young wealthy IT guy" to a girl was a man, it might turns from "everybody wants talk to me" to "nobody wants ever knowing me", especially in my society and culture.
2. I still want to have children, even though the doctor has told me that it is unlikely, I still believe if I will be put under testosterone treatment for a while maybe I will still have ability to have children.
3. I want to have a family, as I said before, I am very emotionally attached to my partner, I need someone there to give me social security, I would fear very much that if I have to go though my life alone.
4. because I really hate my own appearance since puberty, so I never cared about it, I look horrible now, I am 110kg and I look very hat urgently man, I really don't have any confident to turn myself into a passable woman. and if I loss enough weight, I believe I can be an attractive male with good height. and a little side thing is, I fear of surgeries.
5. because I had quite some achievement as a male---I will sometime wondering if all the thing is a delusion and I should trying to get away from it---if anyone can confirm this thoughts for me, is it possible? or like doing some male things has nothing to do with the transgender mindset? It will always be like this?

But I want to do it now for following reasons:

1. I see quite few people doing at later age(40 or 50), they had much larger family problem and it was almost unlikely for them to look 100% convincing, if I want to do it, I have to do it now as I am already 25, if I don't do it now, I might loss life chance to be looking 100% convincing, the last thing I want is being looked as a freak. So if I hold back now like I did in all my life, will I regret when I was 40 or 50 like I am regretting now for not doing it before puberty.
2. I want to be a beautiful girl at least once in my life.

I am trying to be very honest about my thought and stories, hope everybody can give me a good advice and your thought, thanks very much in advance, it is extremely important for me.

What any of us think or feel isn't important.  What matters is what you feel and whether the potential sacrifices and hardships are worth it.  This is only something you can detirimine as we can't tell you how things will play out even if we wish we could.  Judging from your post you seem to have strong desires to transition yet fear giving up the successful scenario you have earned in trade of uncertainty.  That's understandable as we all fear the unknown and many of have fears evrn if transitioning feels right.  In any case, your story isn't uncommon,  and I wouldn't be surprised if you come to the conclusion that this is right for you.  Nonetheless, I would look inward and clear up the doubt you feel.  A therapist could be helpful in this regard. 

By the way, while no one can guarantee your outcome, there are many success stories out there.  I just wanted to throw that out there because many of us do remain happy with our transition even though it may create hardships and require some sacrifice.  Good luck to you, and I hope it works out.

[bingunginter]

From your description its seems like that the benefit doesn't outweigh the disadvantages. Like myself, even though I knew that transition doesn't make that much sense but the strong desire, the continuous what-if, the curiosity, the wishful thinking, all those thing drive me crazy. So tempting, I succumbed. Oh well, at least I learned the lesson.

[retransition]

Wow what a story, what an interesting young life you have already lived!!!

I think all of the concerns you have expressed are extremely valid and are all things that I don't think anyone can provide you "easy" answers for.  But I think we can talk about some of this and maybe help you sort out what is right for you.  You are obviously extremely intelligent and I think hesitation toward proceeding at once "down the path" (since you already have a "green light" as you say from your country's gender related medical providers) is coming from some well thought out reasoning.

You have mentioned some of the practicalities and seem to be aware of the some of the challenges you might face should you decide to transition (i.e. how well you will be able to "blend" based on your height, how people will relate to you should you decide to transition.)  It sounds like you are quite popular and people are naturally drawn to you.  You enjoy this and in many ways it is stuff like this that sustains us in life.  There was a recent story that made a lot of news here in US that I am thinking about as I read your post.  It is a very sad story about a successful inventor/entrepreneur who happened to be MTF transwoman who was trying to protect her past identity.  http://grantland.com/features/a-mysterious-physicist-golf-club-dr-v/  A lot of people are very angry with this reporter for exposing her - and sadly she comitted suicide.  The story was a tragedy all around - but the part that made me the saddest was something that very few people talked about.  And that was that here was an undeniably gifted individual (even those who point out her alleged character flaws admit this) who was reduced to a shadow life of being afraid to interact openly and honestly with people who could contribute to her financial and social success for fear of being "outed".   I am not saying that there was any obligation on her part to tell ANYONE about her past life as a male.  It is nobody's business.  But she spent increasingly larger and larger amounts of energy and time in protecting this "secret" from "getting out".  At the very same time she probably needed human connection the most, she was actively withdrawing from the "world outside" to maintain her gendered identity.  That was her priority and we all have to respect that but I do have to wonder how well this served her in the end?

I only bring this story up because, as a successful entrepreneur to some degree you are going to have a spotlight on you that other people considering transitioning don't have to deal with. It is yet another of the challenges that you may be confronted with should you decide to transition. 

One thing that jumps out at me that I have to comment on is that I get the sense that you are still in the process of finding yourself sexually.  I know that everyone says that gender identity and sexual identity are two different things - but they are interrelated.  And although it would be unfair for me to try to "guess" your sexual orientation through what you wrote here I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you haven't fully explored your attraction to men (or women for that matter) with as much exactitude as you have analyzed other areas of your life as they relate to your gender.  I know that as I write this in the USA you are faced with a completely different set of cultural norms and expectations in Asia, but it seems like this is part of you that you need to get to know a little bit better no matter what course of action you undertake with the gender stuff.

I know I just touched on a few things you mentioned but maybe it is a starting point?  What do you think - does this make sense?

[imtc]

thanks everybody for replying. I still wondering, maybe I should start...

[Ducks]

thanks everybody for replying. I still wondering, maybe I should start...

Yes!  Do it now, you'll never regret transitioning too soon.  You may end up never taking the next step to surgery, but you will know it for sure, not just wonder about it all your life. Go girl, and be yourself!

[E-Brennan]

Yes, start.  If you don't like it, you can always stop long before there are any permanent effects, and long before anybody needs to know.  You have nothing to lose by taking it slow and seeing where you end up.

[Evolving Beauty]

I have no time to read this long stuff here, just post your pic here or in PM and I'll tell you straight ahead if it's worth transitioning.

[E-Brennan]

I have no time to read this long stuff here, just post your pic here or in PM and I'll tell you straight ahead if it's worth transitioning.

I do hope this isn't serious!

[helen2010]

imtc

I recommend that you work with your therapist.  Then if you both agree that you are tg and that your dysphoria requires a solution that you then decide which steps you will take.  This may involve joining a support group, cross dressing, developing a more androgynous presentation (dress, hair style, hair removal, weight loss etc etc) and potentially low dose hrt.  Take it a step at a time, the only truth is your truth and the only answer is the one which you own.

Many of us have been your size or larger, this will not prevent you from having a successful transition if this is the path which you choose to take.

Safe travels

Aisla

[imtc]

Hi

I lived in the Netherlands for past 7 years, and for anyone suggest for a therapist, yes, I did it 6 years ago in the gender team in the Netherlands and I have receive green light( allow to process to HRT and surgeries) 3 years ago.

I think there is not much doubt about if I have the problem, rather that I am very much hesitated by the social consequence and my physical appearance.

More over, I still have question about whole ->-bleeped-<-, if I am really a female, why I able to have normal relationship with girls, and why I am so good at male things? And the strong desire I want to be a female mostly come from sexual desire, while I don't have the male rushing sexual feeling, I am sort of ok with who I am.

oh, one more thing, I don't like to look myself in the mirror even till very recently...I am not very liking how I look now...

I have lost 10kg since this post...still in process.

[Edge]

What is a "normal relationship with girls?" I have a few cis female friends who also have normal relationships with women and they're still female.
What are "male things?"

[imtc]

I mean have normal girlfriend, and having sex with girls, and no girl would ever notice any difference from me.

So I simply wondering is this a mental decease, because it does exists at very earlier age and go though my life, it is not something I am fancy about for sure, on the other hand, because I believe I am functioning very well in the society as a male, I see no reason why should I change to something quite different and I might not functioning very well on the new rule.

however the feeling of this does coming back on daily bases, and seems to me there is no cue to it. So it is a fastrating situation.

[Emily1996]

Well you need to stop about how well you can fit in society, and start thinking about your life... Do you want to live as a male forever? A part-time thing? You could always try to move and go a place where being trasngender is more acceptable and you are still 25, that's a good age for transitioning! There are many tall women in the world... My mom is a few cm smaller than you and she is a cis woman. From what you wrote here, I think that you might feel like a female, but your gender dysphoria maybe isn't very consistent or grave to the point that you might not handle it anymore, or maybe I just misunderstood, maybe you felt you were born in the wrong body when you were younger, and tried to adjust yourself to society by imposing yourself to look like a male (which I did too).

You shoud look for informationa bout transitioning, and read a lot of stuff about it, and then make a decision based on how you see yourself going though this path and if you feel like it's the right choice for you. There are many transgender people that chose not to transition for several reason.

[imtc]

Well you need to stop about how well you can fit in society, and start thinking about your life... Do you want to live as a male forever? A part-time thing? You could always try to move and go a place where being trasngender is more acceptable and you are still 25, that's a good age for transitioning! There are many tall women in the world... My mom is a few cm smaller than you and she is a cis woman. From what you wrote here, I think that you might feel like a female, but your gender dysphoria maybe isn't very consistent or grave to the point that you might not handle it anymore, or maybe I just misunderstood, maybe you felt you were born in the wrong body when you were younger, and tried to adjust yourself to society by imposing yourself to look like a male (which I did too).

It is consistent, I can handle it though I am not sure how well I did it. I felt about the wrong body thing as far as I can remember, and imposing myself seems to be the only choice I had even now.

You shoud look for informationa bout transitioning, and read a lot of stuff about it, and then make a decision based on how you see yourself going though this path and if you feel like it's the right choice for you. There are many transgender people that chose not to transition for several reason.

I have done that for past 20 years, and I still hesitated about my decision, I rather not due to huge consequence came alone with it, but because it is consistent feeling in which makes me doute my ability to handle it for life time--and if I can not, do it now of course be much better than do it later

[Emily1996]

Why do you hesitate?

[janetcgtv]

If you transition but later decide to back out of transitioning , you cannot go back to being a man in their eyes. as you have told everyone(family,coworkers,friends, and all others) that you are a woman. No one will ever think of you as a man again.  Even if you stop dressing as proof that you stopped they will always doubt you.

So if you transition go full speed ahead and never look back and be very happy that you had transitioned.