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Coming along

Started by Space Pirate, February 12, 2014, 07:04:56 AM

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Space Pirate

So it's been a little while since I posted, but I've been keeping up with the forums and I'm growing a little more comfortable.  Here's a quick update with me:

My girlfriend has been amazing.  She'll go into shoe stores or clothing stores with me if I want to try something on.  We discovered I fit into her old jeans and pants and that they actually fit me better than men's jeans (I have a very large, round, feminine rear end that I have yet to find a pair of men's jeans that actually go over properly).  Ditto my new boss at work, who has been encouraging me to be more open in the workplace (you know, as long as I remain professional).  This means I can do things like paint my nails and drop my "male" accent.  No one has given it much notice.

I wish I could say the same for my father, who seems to keep trying to closet me again ("Just some fatherly advice--I wouldn't wear that.  Nobody will understand and you'll look like an idiot") and likes to make loud, embarrassing public comments about how "Strange" or "weird' I look.  I'm struggling being "out" and also trying not to be provocative.  Absolutely none of my friends, even the homophobes among them, have cared the slightest.  In fact, several seem to be *more* accepting of me out than less.  But family and particularly older people...I don't know if it's because they've grown up with a certain image of me in their minds, but they're really struggling.  I love my Dad, but he's one of the biggest antagonists in this.  I want to be able to be comfortable, but I still can't find the line.

With a semi-promotion at work (more responsibility, more hours), I have more money to spend on things like makeup and clothes.  I'm looking through my closet and having one of those "who was I trying to be?" moments.  I'm not even sure where to start.  Or is it all just me being vain.

I guess what I have the most of these days is doubt.  Not sure where to go next, completely sure that what I was doing and how I was living before were no good and I don't want to go back to that, but trying to convince myself I really do have the right to look and dress however I want.

So here I am (I actually have no idea how to end this post), coming along somehow.
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

-Philip K Dick
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ativan

It's difficult for those who are pretty much stuck in their expression roles to accept those who step out and away from it.
There's an edge at the end of your comfort zone. Don't be afraid to step over it.
And definitely don't hesitate to just blow right past the edge of those who are afraid to/of change.
Ativan
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Kaelin

It's really unfortunate what is happening with your dad and what sounds like other older relatives.  However, the great news is that you have friends and a workplace that will accept you for who you are.  That base of support is very valuable by itself.

How you deal with family is up to you, but if you're "out of the house" now, you aren't obligated to actually spend time (or as much time) with them... and even if you are still living with parents, you can probably scale back anyway.  It is perfectly reasonable to shift away some/most of the time you are spending with people who treat you poorly to other activities and people you would rather be involved with.

To your dad, though, I'd probably agree that he shouldn't wear your clothes.  His body's probably not in as good of shape as yours, so he probably wouldn't look as good in them.  But more importantly, he shouldn't wear what he doesn't like, and we would both defend his right to *for him* to dress in the clothes *he wants to wear*.
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Space Pirate

I don't live with my father, but we both live in a small city, and he's something of a local politician so it's impossible to avoid him.  I don't think it's as simple as he disapproves.  I've had a lot of problems in my life, not just related to being androgyne, and he blames himself for it, like he did this to me through negligence or maltreatment.  That's what kills me.  He can't accept that this is who I am.  It had to be something he and my mother did to me.  My parents spent twenty-five years projecting their martial strife onto me so this is nothing new.  The hard thing is, things I do in public *do* get back to him one way or the other.

I don't talk to my mother, and in a way I do blame her for my gender confusion not necessarily because I think she caused it, but the way she handled it caused a great deal of harm (she was also abhorrent and abusive for lots of other reasons too but this is the one that pertains here).  I think I keep wishing not for acceptance but some perfect world where I wouldn't have had to go through everything I did, failing to understand that it made me who I am today and who I am isn't bad.

I don't want to just dismiss my father's feelings.  He's my Dad.  I love him and I care about him.  But I don't know how else to move on.
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

-Philip K Dick
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Kaelin

If your androgyny is potentially causing some collateral damage for your dad, on the basis of other people judging him for who you are, it may be useful for the two of you to reframe the matter as something positive or neutral for him.  Right now he seems to feel shame, but you're developing into a well-adjusted and contributing member of society, with a network of friends and your boss's respect.  These are things your dad can be proud of, even if some of the details are not what your dad expected or planned for.  There is a lot more positive in that story than with your mom, and if your dad can put things in perspective, he may be able to defend you and himself better.
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