Difficult choices-some advise please

[Rachel]

Jen, wow, very similar indeed. I had an electrolysis pre appointment but cancelled 6 weeks ago due to the line in the sand. I ws hoping the line would soften but as expressed Tuesday it is very firm.

Apsla, thanks, I too love my wife and can relate to "All I can do is work on myself,  respect her, honor our relationship and find a way forward.". Those virtues need to go both ways.

[Joanna Dark]

If your wife doesn't understand you ,it is her fault . After all , what would she say is you would ask her to live forever as a man ?

I can't agree with this. Her wife is a heterosexual woman. Once she gets SRS and FFS, she will be a total woman herself. So, it's her fault for not wanting to be with a woman and she should be forced to be with a woman against her will? I hear stuff like this in the lesbian community all the time how this is the reason that a some of them do not like trans women, cause if you don't like us, somehow it's wrong. Now, if she wouldn't even be friends, that's one thing. But I get the feeling it would just mean the dissolution of their marriage, which sucks bigtime and I totally feel for Cynthia, but it's understandable. The fact she stayed this long says a lot. My question is this: why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Also, the OP has been married a long time, I think, and wasn't completely honest about her transness until recently. If I'm wrong about that, disregard all of this.

I do feel for you Cynthia and you have a hard decision to make. You marriage obviously means a lot to you so you have to weigh the pros and cons of having these procedures done against what you will lose and gain. I recommend making a list of Pros and Cons.

Again, we have talked in the past Cynthia and you know I'm on your side, but your wife has needs too, as I know you know and do care about. You have made many sacrifices, I know. If I was you, since love is so hard to find, I would stick with love and deal with it. And this is coming from someone with severe body and social dysphoria since I started thinking. I started wetting the bed and my pants when I was no longer allowed and was suspended for using the girl's room. The safeties, older girls, who caught me in the girls room with my BFF playing in the mirror, said if I did it again that they would make me wear a dress, to which I replied, really that would be rad. They took it as being glib, but I was serious.

I even told my mom once I'm going to be an actress and she said you mean actor, and said no, I know the difference, and I mean actress. I still havre all this dysphoria and am youngish at 31 and look younger, except in those horrid pictures taken from my palm pixi with 1 mp camera. My friend said she thought I was no more than 24. She was actually stunned I was in my 30s. Tangent alert, time to shut up.

I'm sure I'll get a thumbs down for this but I am toally against the system anyway because Ionce almost left here cause I had 200 posts and not one thumbs up which really upset me and made me feel totally unwelcome. I'm sure this happens a lot and I really wish that it would be done away with. Maybe be like FB and just keep it positive and only use a thumbs up. Or kee the tumbs down in the person's profil where they have to click on it to see the thumbs down. But I am totally against it and it makes me want to scream. Or screetch. Since I have a pretty high voice.

[stephaniec]

I can't agree with this. Her wife is a heterosexual woman. Once she gets SRS and FFS, she will be a total woman herself. So, it's her fault for not wanting to be with a woman and she should be forced to be with a woman against her will? I hear stuff like this in the lesbian community all the time how this is the reason that a some of them do not like trans women, cause if you don't like us, somehow it's wrong. Now, if she wouldn't even be friends, that's one thing. But I get the feeling it would just mean the dissolution of their marriage, which sucks bigtime and I totally feel for Cynthia, but it's understandable. The fact she stayed this long says a lot. My question is this: why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Also, the OP has been married a long time, I think, and wasn't completely honest about her transness until recently. If I'm wrong about that, disregard all of this.

I do feel for you Cynthia and you have a hard decision to make. You marriage obviously means a lot to you so you have to weigh the pros and cons of having these procedures done against what you will lose and gain. I recommend making a list of Pros and Cons.

Again, we have talked in the past Cynthia and you know I'm on your side, but your wife has needs too, as I know you know and do care about. You have made many sacrifices, I know. If I was you, since love is so hard to find, I would stick with love and deal with it. And this is coming from someone with severe body and social dysphoria since I started thinking. I started wetting the bed and my pants when I was no longer allowed and was suspended for using the girl's room. The safeties, older girls, who caught me in the girls room with my BFF playing in the mirror, said if I did it again that they would make me wear a dress, to which I replied, really that would be rad. They took it as being glib, but I was serious.

I even told my mom once I'm going to be an actress and she said you mean actor, and said no, I know the difference, and I mean actress. I still havre all this dysphoria and am youngish at 31 and look younger, except in those horrid pictures taken from my palm pixi with 1 mp camera. My friend said she thought I was no more than 24. She was actually stunned I was in my 30s. Tangent alert, time to shut up.

I'm sure I'll get a thumbs down for this but I am toally against the system anyway because Ionce almost left here cause I had 200 posts and not one thumbs up which really upset me and made me feel totally unwelcome. I'm sure this happens a lot and I really wish that it would be done away with. Maybe be like FB and just keep it positive and only use a thumbs up. Or kee the tumbs down in the person's profil where they have to click on it to see the thumbs down. But I am totally against it and it makes me want to scream. Or screetch. Since I have a pretty high voice.

well Joanna I think if I understand correctly I'm agreeing with you. This business of putting blame on the wife for not understanding to me is so way off the wall. First a legal contract was arrange by the fact you were married. one person has decided to change the contract mid term and expects the other party to totally surrender to the new terms. I'm sorry really  if this is taken wrong its not meant to. I probably should say any thing because I'm not married never have been and probably never will. I have problems even dating.

[Rachel]

Joanna, thank you, I am the issue in the marriage. I hid that I am trans till the dam burst. I want it both ways and I need to make a choice. I would love to do everything but under my current arrangement I am hobbled. I am on HRT and the effects over the next 5 years will grow; enough that that alone may end the marriage. Perhaps I really have taken the red pill. I am not going off HRT, that will be a death sentence. PS, you really do look young.

Stephanie, I agree and this is my misrepresentation. I broke the contract and my wife is damaged. I appreciate the honesty and I welcome the comment. I need all perspectives. I had 3 homework assignments this week from my gender therapist. I a putting together a time line with actions and this is weighing on my mind.

[danielle28]

Cynthia, I had the same options a couple of years ago. I tried to work with my ex and ultimately failed. I am so much happier now after my divorce. I am free to be me with no negotiations or line in the sand. I do recommend seeing a movie called normal with jessica lange. I wish you  the best of luck as I know how hard this decision is. Hugs danielle

[warlockmaker]

I have changed so much mentally and my perception of life has changed - all for the better, as I head towards a year on HRT. What attracts us to the opposite sex before has changed, and how we are seen has changed - even in the closet. We emit female ordors and think differently and our manly personna fades away. For me this has worked a charm on my 3rd wife whom I loved the most and have a 12 year old daughter and she is really happy that I have come out to (she is the only one) but she wants me to stay in the closet until I have closed the business. She loves my new calmness and hapiness that I have found and we have become very close friends and companion but I dont see more than that in our future. My other ex wives would not accept but they need to think of the future finance of their children with me as I control the wealth.

[Allyda]

I have changed so much mentally and my perception of life has changed - all for the better, as I head towards a year on HRT. What attracts us to the opposite sex before has changed, and how we are seen has changed - even in the closet. We emit female ordors and think differently and our manly personna fades away. For me this has worked a charm on my 3rd wife whom I loved the most and have a 12 year old daughter and she is really happy that I have come out to (she is the only one) but she wants me to stay in the closet until I have closed the business. She loves my new calmness and hapiness that I have found and we have become very close friends and companion but I dont see more than that in our future. My other ex wives would not accept but they need to think of the future finance of their children with me as I control the wealth.

I would be careful to be not taken advantage of. I remember before I lost everything and my life savings which was substantial, I had alot of "false friends," as I put it. And even a few of my family members took my kindness for weakness. Just my 2 cents.

As for your changes in perception and the way you feel, I'm very happy for you.

[warlockmaker]

Thanks Allyda. My therapist all warned me that I may be taken advantage of and you have given conformation. I will be on guard for sure.

[Allyda]

Thanks Allyda. My therapist all warned me that I may be taken advantage of and you have given conformation. I will be on guard for sure.

Glad I could help. I just I'd had taken my own advice a few years back, lol!

[Rachel]

Daniella, thank you. I bookmarked the movie for later viewing. Double edged sward, that is the dilemma. I think I will find out one way or the other where I stand. I need to know what I am to her. I definitely want counseling prior to pushing the plunger.

Warlockmaker, I always was bi male leaning. I tend to look at cute guys and want to look like the cute girls. I wish you luck with wife 3. I know my wife wants sex 1 * per month which I like but is dysphoric. It reinforces my desire to have GCS.

[Megumi]

All you have to do is ask yourself this; What do you want to do in your life? Is being married to a person that you love but is constantly making you suppress your feeling's what you want or is being authentic about who you are the path you need to be on even if it's a path that you will walk down without your spouse? Only you can answer it unfortunately.

[Miranda Catherine]

All you have to do is ask yourself this; What do you want to do in your life? Is being married to a person that you love but is constantly making you suppress your feeling's what you want or is being authentic about who you are the path you need to be on even if it's a path that you will walk down without your spouse? Only you can answer it unfortunately.

There are so many good and heartfelt pieces of advice and I've read each one at least once. I don't know of a harder decision a new woman can have, or anyone, for that matter. Cynthia, I did what I thought everyone else, including the Lord, wanted me to do, not what I needed to do. Consequently, I tried to kill myself three different times. You've definitely taken the red pill and as hard as it may seem, I just don't see you finding any happiness staying with a wife unwilling or unable to let you transition. I wish none of us had this affliction, for lack of a better word, because all of us who fought our natural need and not necessarily desire to live in our true gender eventually hurt people. One thing I'd try to stress if I were you, is the fact that this isn't a choice, it was hard wired into you from the womb. Are you left handed? Find out some of the science of transsexualism and tell her that you need to do this. I'd also tell her you're sooo miserable now you wonder if life is worth living in a body that's always been essentially foreign to you. Ask her if she thinks a normal, well adjusted male would want to wear makeup, women's clothes for life, and especially develop a woman's body and have his penis mutilated then surgically formed into a vagina. It's not a choice. I don't blame your wife or you for any of this, but you didn't tell the truth about your dysphoria, and you can't expect her to change into a lesbian or become celibate. You'll always have your daughter, whether you know it or not, and if your wife will hang around once you begin to wear your clothes and makeup, she'll have a new person in her midst, a happier, well adjusted one. One last thing, I've read that some women secretly think that it's partly their fault because they didn't add up enough to satisfy their man. Tell her this has nothing to do with her thoughts, treatment, or anything else. This is nobody's fault. I feel for you. Mira