Dating and Stealth Life

[AJarrah]

I'm sure this is probably a common question but honestly I didn't feel like searching the threads that are already up.

So, I'm stealth to the highest degree possible. I just started coming out to close coworkers that I've made friends with outside of work, and now that my fiancee and I have split up, I'm kinda curious how to get back into the dating world. I guess the problem is that I don't really know how to go about finding someone that'll be okay with a transgendered person, without having to search for a bisexual girl or in the LGBT community. The LGBT community is great and all, but I don't really want to have to force myself into a community half-heartedly just to find a woman that isn't going to be weirded out by a transguy. I guess I don't really know much about finding anyone since the girl I was going to marry knew me before I was trans and was with me all throughout my transition. She was kind of my "ideal" partner in how everything transpired. At the same time, maybe my ideas of the LGBT community are different than reality. I guess I've just kind of assumed that if you're a part of the community, you can't really be stealth. I don't know. I've never really tried to be a part of it. But being alone for the sake of being afraid to look is difficult and frustrating. If anyone's got any advice on how to tackle the situation it'd be great :/ unfortunately it's not as simple as going and just meeting a girl and not ever having to come out to her. Between the scars of surgery and the not being able to have a family by means of "just me and her doing the job", she's gotta know at some point and I think I'm probably just afraid that it's some huge red flag for rejection. Anyway, any thoughts or advice on the matter is really appreciated. It's been kinda bugging me lately. Definitely not down for being forever alone lol

[Kreuzfidel]

I don't think it's fair that trans* guys should have to forever limit our field for a potential partner to the LGBT community.  That just seems nonsensical to me. 

There are plenty of straight girls out there who would want to and who DO date guys like us.  My wife is one of them.  There are other guys on here and outside of here whom I know who have straight female partners. 

The thing is that I think because you're thinking too far ahead - to the "how will she react when she finds out?" stage - you're limiting yourself by thinking of looking in the lesbian community because a) most of them already know what trans* guys are and won't have the same expectations that perhaps a cis female would have and b) many lesbians date trans* guys. 

Maybe you should focus less on looking for girls who will be familiar with trans* guys and thus more accepting and focus more on meeting new people - male and female - with whom you have things in common.  Don't think of every girl as you meet as a potential partner, but as a potential friend - just let things happen. 

Meet a nice girl somewhere doing things you like to do or hanging out in places you like to hang out - get to know her - let her get to know you.  You would only need to disclose once you feel comfortable around her.  So what if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you when she finds out?  There will be other girls who will and won't judge you at all. 

[AJarrah]

All valid points. At the moment I'm not particularly looking to be with someone, I'm still pretty rocky from the last one. But the idea of a future in not having someone bugged me enough that I almost tried to look for the "escape route" and be sure that not everyone is against trans guys. I basically worry that my personal picture perfect marriage could never happen because a normally straight girl wouldn't be interested. Granted, my ex fiancee was fine with it, so I shouldn't be too worried I suppose. Mind you in the last week I've had two experiences at work where I've overheard people making comments about transgender people and now it's been on the forefront of my mind that maybe everyone I know just hates how I am. Blah. I always tend to force a crisis upon myself about things that either haven't happened, probably won't happen, or is so far ahead in the future that I couldn't tackle it now if I tried. Life lessons in progress lol

[kaiju]

If it helps, my girlfriend is straight and didn't know of my trans status until we got to know each other better. I suggest spending time with people who you share common interests with and then gauge their reactions to trans people through casual conversation or by listening to them. It's good, not only for potential relationships, but friendships as well. Especially if you want to be stealth but fear being outed in an unsafe environment. My girlfriend is actually close friends with a trans dude, so I was able to watch them interact with each other and see if it was safe to disclose to her.

It can be done. Some straight women won't be interested, but many others can surprise you. If something feels wrong, don't force yourself to do it. You don't have to look for someone who is specifically bisexual or a part of the LGBT community.

EDIT: I should add that there are plenty of cis dudes who can't just have a family the "normal" way, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. A partner who will only value you for your reproductive ability isn't someone who loves you, but rather a partner who loves the idea of what they want from you. And hey, if people want to have their own kids, fine. But it's not just a problem trans people face. It's a very normal thing for people to have reproductive issues, and something lots of couples deal with.

[Bimmer Guy]

I define as a transguy, not FTM.  My "community" has been the butch/femme and "queer" (butch/femme/trans identified people) community.  I was shocked when I first started coming to this site to see that people lumped all female bodied masculine people who date other female bodied people as "lesbian".  The butch/femme community that I have been a part of have never defined as lesbians.  The butches don't define as lesbian because they don't define as women.  They may or may not define as female (there are a lot of male-identified butches).  The femme don't identify as lesbians because they don't date women identified people.

Anyway, there are a large number of "femmes" (feminine cis females) who date and are attracted to transguys/FTM specifically.  The "queer" community is large.  The queer community does include genderqueer people, too, of course.

Anyway, you may find that the women in this community will love you in all your trans-glory.  They won't regard you as a female anymore than a woman from the "straight" community would and they may understand your "journey" in a way I think a straight woman cannot.  Don't count them out, is all I am saying.  I think they are also less tied up in gender roles/gender expectations when it comes to their relationships than some straight women.  I wouldn't look in "lesbian" venues for these women (as they won't be there...or will be in the back silently waiting for you to come along!), but in the "queer" or butch/femme/trans community.

I have dated women from both the straight community and the queer community, so I am not speaking from a one sided position.  Look into the "queer" community in your area.  You will find a number of FTMs to hang out with, too.

P.S. I am not saying that there are not butches/femmes who do define as lesbian, I am only saying that is often not the case.

[Brandon]

I don't think it's fair that trans* guys should have to forever limit our field for a potential partner to the LGBT community.  That just seems nonsensical to me. 

There are plenty of straight girls out there who would want to and who DO date guys like us.  My wife is one of them.  There are other guys on here and outside of here whom I know who have straight female partners. 

The thing is that I think because you're thinking too far ahead - to the "how will she react when she finds out?" stage - you're limiting yourself by thinking of looking in the lesbian community because a) most of them already know what trans* guys are and won't have the same expectations that perhaps a cis female would have and b) many lesbians date

Maybe you should focus less on looking for girls who will be familiar with trans* guys and thus more accepting and focus more on meeting new people - male and female - with whom you have things in common.  Don't think of every girl as you meet as a potential partner, but as a potential friend - just let things happen. 

Meet a nice girl somewhere doing things you like to do or hanging out in places you like to hang out - get to know her - let her get to know you.  You would only need to disclose once you feel comfortable around her.  So what if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you when she finds out?  There will be other girls who will and won't judge you at all.

Thats true you shouldn't have to limit yourself just because your trans, I see it as if the woman is meant for you she will stick with you know matter what. I know I'm young but its just my 2 cents.

[CursedFireDean]

Thats true you shouldn't have to limit yourself just because your trans, I see it as if the woman is meant for you she will stick with you know matter what. I know I'm young but its just my 2 cents.

I agree with Brandon, if she breaks up with you for being trans then she's not the right person for you.

[Tristan]

Trans guys do not have to limit yourselves to the community. Lots of woman would be happy to be with you if the chemistry is there and your good to them. And since your young as long as your also willing to preform your manly deed sort of speak . Wink wink

[anibioman]

All of the girls I've ever had any reciprocal feelings with have been straight except for one who Identifies as bisexual I think and they all knew I was a transsexual. I've had many other straight women hitting on me and they've all known I'm trans. I came out in high school while they were all there. The one girl I had a one night stand with till I was rudely interrupted by my drunk buddy has known me since 6th grade.

[BeefxCake]

I can't really say for myself as im not stealth nor do i pass most of the time, but i know a number of my straight friends who wouldn't mind if they dated a trans man. for some women if your a good man and what they want in a person, and how you present now is all that matters to them.

butt hen there are people like my mother that think the only way to have a healthy relationship is with a functioning dick.

but just keep eyes outt here some women don't mind if you were a woman. just not important to them.