First, I admire the OP's honesty, that took guts.
Second, I admire Ally's posts - in general too - since it is so transparent and a great window into what used to be called a "true transexual". I like everyone's posts its a great exploration of the truth about each of us.
I'm sitting in the study full transition. Female psyche in full play right now, it will flip based on social circumstances - survival instincts when I go out into the construction world in an hour, and to a redneck bar to sing later tonight in deep stealth mode.
Parallels with the OP: the trans reading site, which I still get a thrill out ofbut tend to avoid. And the sex part there turns me off its the psych part of the stories I find facinating. The temptation of watching graphic displays of.... preops..., is part of my story, and the reason for me? It was loneliness, I felt like a freak, and here are other girls that look like me. I powerfully identified with them, but hated most of what I saw. Not romantic at all. Yuck. I don't do that any more but instead of going to the boards, that was my original introduction to transexuality. I was afraid of the boards. I was afraid of you all. How foolish. How sad.
The parallel to the srewed up theory of autogynephelia sounds apparent here - I reject this theory although it can be a diagnostic tool in a hormone letter for someone not a "true transexual" to get us hormones. I don't even really know fully what it is, I was so disgusted by the assumptions and the stuff that does not apply to me that I stopped reading it. I do not self identify with that diagnosis.
With the sexual attraction to self - yes I have this but it has radically changed, was heavy for about 30 years and dropped now dramatically - which came about in a short circuit identity crisis when I looked in the mirror very young and saw a girl looking back at me, physically and to a great extent emotionally. I am still sorting that out, I was bullied into the male self very young. The more I look at true transexual posts the more I identify with them. As to my soul or core - at this moment I am all girl here in my study. It is far more than visuals with me its a state of being from the inside out, sifted through extreme psychological abuse from the past. And some from the present. Oh well I forgive them they are truly clueless.
Hormones, for me, reduced the libido enough to start feeling things truly without the interference of testosterone. It seems to have fundamentally altered the sexual perception of self - bringing that way down, and dropped the fetishistic element way down. Hormones are psychologically and medically needed for me. Hormones are handled by my very understanding endo guy who helped keep me from cracking up with referal to shrink and with an explanation that I am physically different from "normies".
I am physically and psychologically incompatible with testosterone. I cannot function as a traditional male anyway - I don't identify with them. I can look the part - I am a union actor in the legit stage making stealth even more imperative - I can draw on life experience to act it from the inside out - but my center, my core, is ultimately something I am beginning to think is similar to lesbian. I'll take that to the shrink.
No matter what, dysphoria hurts and fighting yourself is futile. I will agree however - with no criticism intended - that taking this on your own is like playing with dynamite. I was lucky to get a shrink that gave up on labeling me and figured out that it was hormones or insanity and gave me hormones, and we both know I am transexual. A transwoman. Best description of me, hanging out at a cis girls party and kvetching or competing with them has no attraction for me, I don't identify as a true cis woman. I identify with other transwoman, of all transexually based walks. (I don't indentify with male cross dressers at all.)
For the OP I have no suggestions or recommendations... I can only tell my story.
For you girls that were born without conflict or forced into male roles through abuse - I'm jealous, and I am so glad you are there for all of us that are in need, like me that got bullied into a survival game and bought into it until it crushed me.
Boy does it feel good to be in full transition at the moment. Its not sexual. It's ME. And I FINALLY can say in the mirror "I love you" and mean it. Wow is that a gift. I look just like Evie in the Mummy. I'm pretty!
I would be wise to NONE of this if I didn't have expert psychotherapy. My feelings on SRS may change..and probably will in time...but I don't think I could handle the public bathrooms and I think it would end stealth and threaten my marrage and my careers- both of them, as a performing artist and with my day job so I can eat. SRS is a not now thing, never ruled out.
Blessings to all you girls, you have helped me more than you could possibly imagine.
You too Allie you help me a lot. There is a lot of you in me but you walked a different path with better results.
You all help me a lot.
Self deception kills.
Hugs to all.
