So i'll start off by saying I hope I'm posting in the right spot lol Also I've never done this before or great at expressing myself so please bare with me
Well were to start something I've really been struggling with lately is truly being lonely and really struggling with staying on the path of transition.
Ok i'll start off explaining the being lonely part first. I started transitioning Dec. 2012 I cam out in oct. 2012 and have been single since june 2011. Now pre-transition it never once bothered me one bit about being single and I embraced it to find out who I was as a person....well we see how that turned out lol anyhow since starting HRT its really been hitting me hard to the point that I cry myself to sleep some nights and fall into a depression just at the sight of a couple holding hands or kissing, sometimes I just wanna give up and stay the guy that I was. Now on that note I wanna add that I know I cant do that cause I would regret that choice for the rest of my life and would never be fully happy with not being my true self. I know that most of us all go through this. I know that most responces will be try a dating site or go out and meet ppl I just wanna state I live in a place that has literally only one LGBT bar in the entire state sadly pluse its a very not accepting place around here either! Idk my biggest issue is that a lot of times because of where I live I still present male when I go out which kills me (until I move) so if I meet a girl she sees me as a guy and if I do meet someone I'm always honest about my trans status cause I hate lying and huge on honesty so I don't want there to be any miss leading which always leads to a lets be friends thing. which usually I'm fine with just dishearting. its one thing to date someone and after awhile and relize your GID than to come out to that person down the road knowingly going in your Trans just seems so wrong to me and not fair to that person. So that being said leads to my delema and was wondering if anyone has had these troubles, experiances or advise of any kind would be gretly appreciated.
Ok well I also stated in the beganing that a lot of times I think about giving up on my transition...Well a part of it was what I stated above but other parts of it are that I feel that I'm never going to get this right that I'm always going to be "a guy in a dress" kinda thing to ppl and never seen as the woman that I truly am! My biggest hurdle is my voice I've been trying for over a year now practicing sevral hours a day while I work and I cant seem to get it. My voice is something that is very important to me and I still sadly sound like a guy no matter what I do. So that causes a lot of problems for me. Also wanna state that I'm basicly doing this transition alone, so I haven't gotten a lot of experince's of going out or anything for that mater. A lot of this I know is my emotitions are running rampant due to the hormones and as much as I try to look at all this logicaly, once the emotions kick in as we all know logic flys out the window sort to speak. I mean theres like a lot more to all this but like I said before I'm not great at expressing myself. This is just something that has been weighing heavily on me these last few months.
I wanna say thank you to everyone who reads this and please share any insight, thought, experiances and advise if you want. I hope this hasn't come across to whiney or anything and thanks for letting me vent of sorts!!
