Getting over self hatred and inner transphobia (trigger warning)

[Jill F]

I kept everything trans hidden for 50 years. I hated my life. Major depression, shame, guilt, self loathing, and anxiety that came in waves for many years. Hurting people hurt people, and I did my best to inflict my hurt and pain on other people. I was a complete transphobic ->-bleeped-<- online. My inner turmoil was agonizing at times and I spent a lot of time crying in a fetal position. Some days I could function, some days not. This whole "woman thing" that I tried to ignore, deny and suppress my whole life snowballed on me. I finally started gender therapy on 12-2-13. I'm now almost 6 weeks into HRT and my life has changed dramatically. I love myself and my life. I feel better, my brain and mind are more clear and focused than ever before. I don't know if it's the HRT or what, but I no longer give a ->-bleeped-<- what others think. I get to become who I really was inside all those years. And that makes me very happy. And so far, I've only had ONE negative reaction. It's about doing what YOU need to do to be happy. If people don't want to understand, their loss.

Scary.  Apart from the transphobic a*hole part, this is like reading one of my own posts. 

[JordanBlue]

Scary.  Apart from the transphobic a*hole part, this is like reading one of my own posts.

We've discussed this before, Jill. 
So similar it's crazy.  That's why I said before, get yourself on FB, so we can chat.   

[Jessica Merriman]

It seems to me that most people that don't pass are judged.

No baby. People that don't pass well LET themselves be judged. They listen to the bile and filth as if it comes from their therapist's mouth. They take to heart bigotry and religious extremism and dwell on it thus producing trans phobia into their psyche. This in turn forms the guilt and other emotions you seem to have. I personally have been quite impressed with the tolerance level I have seen in my situation. Times are changing and things that used to be important have lost their luster. Could I have come out in 1979? Hell no! Did I come out in 2013? Most definitely because the climate is changing with regards to tolerance, acceptance and protection. You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself because you are an individual, not a carbon copy of everyone else. You are unique, embrace it as it makes you special and distinct.

PS-You are not just an avatar to me girl. I get to know people by the way they talk and the ideas and emotions they put forth. You are a real person and I have seen the love, compassion and the truth you have as inner qualities. I look at you as a sister, not just a logo.

[sad panda]

Yeah man up OP. Mental illness is not a real thing. /sarcasm

Please see a therapist about your self esteem. Not a gender therapist, one who specializes in fears and anxiety and stuff. If you find the right one for you it could really help. It takes real world interaction with a patient, empathetic person to start overturning these deep beliefs. Hugs to you and I hope you will find the strength to get help.

[Jessica Merriman]

Yeah man up OP. Mental illness is not a real thing. /sarcasm

Say what!! Please explain that statement. Sarcasm when she is suffering and asking for help? I sure hope I misinterpreted this. If so I apologize ahead of time.

[sad panda]

Say what!! Please explain that statement. Sarcasm when she is suffering and asking for help? I sure hope I misinterpreted this. If so I apologize ahead of time.

I said that about how so many people just tell the OP to get over it, stop whining etc which seems to be the knee jerk response here because apparently nobody believes that emotional regulation problems and anxieties are real and can be crippling. It's like telling someone with cancer to walk it off. There are actually ways of working on self esteem issues but it's so unhelpful to just tell people to get over it or just stop worrying...

[ClaudiaLove]

Hello all,

This is a sensitive topic, so leave the thread if you think it will be too triggering for you.

I'm sorry for a controversial and triggering topic, but I really need some advice.  Even though I am trans and know there is nothing wrong with that, I can't help but feel ashamed and disgusted for it.  Let's be honest, most people hate us or think we are freaks.  While there are people who are understanding or totally accepting of the us, they are few and far between.  Even some peoplle that are trans themselves dislike and judge other trans people.  It's just the way of the world.  On here, I'm just a screen name and avatar, not a person with my own individual experience and feelings.  And in the world, I will eventually just be a "->-bleeped-<-" (forgive me for the term, but this is how some people see us) without any distinctions about who I am as a person and how I behave in the world. This kills me.  It makes me hate myself for being something I have no control over.  If I could have avoided this, I would have.  Simple enough. However, I don't feel I can.  It will always be part of who I am, no matter how much I try to erase it.  And that's why I put so much stock into passing.  Because if I don't pass 100 percent and someone knows I'm trans, I know they will think terrible things about me without even knowing who I am and my actions in my life.  This is really painful.  Yet it goes beyond that too.  Even if I do pass and no one thinks of me as trans but a normal woman, I'll have to know that deep in my heart those very people hate and despise who I am.  They will have an image of me based on omission of fact.  If they knew, they will judge and hate.  And because I really require approval and validation from others, I will hate myself in turn.  Of course, hiding this fact makes it easier to cope by allowing me to live as me without being judged every second; however, knowing that others can't stand what I am and think terrible things really really upsets me.  This kind of thing makes me even afraid to socialize with other trans people and admit that I am trans in a supportive environment.  Seriously, I even panic in support groups.  It's hard for me to deal with it.  I just want to erase it.  Like transition and then go stealth and forget it ever was a part of me.  Yet, I realize this a problem I need to overcome.  Therefore, I really would like to ask people here for some help and suggestions.  Was there anything that helped you get over your inner transphobia and self hatred?  To someone in my situation, what would you recommend to help them get over this?  I go to therapy, been trying to go to support groups, and actively participate here, but it hasn't gone away.  I'm at a loss, so any suggestions would be appreciated. 

And sorry for any triggering or hurtful impact this thread could have had on others.  I may hate the fact that I am trans and feel ashamed, but that doesn't mean anyone should feel the same way.

For me it is even harder , as 'the science' force me to think that i am not a transexual girl but a transgender or transgenderist . As a transexual i would have many things to fight against but as a transgender it is even harder : considering yourself a girl , wanting and enjoying to be one , and then having the science telling you that you are a man . I felt really ok when i thought i was a transexual , really no guilt at all, only some sadness about my looks and the effort of transition . Now , i really feel ashamed , guilty and all that stuff . I would love to die but i am too weak to kill myself , my life is a miserable place where pain dominates everything and i honestly can't see a happy future . Being a 'male brain' who wants to be/feel like  a girl it is so much worse for me than being a trans girl . Every day i look for some validation , i even dream so often about my digit ratio changing in a feminine one , but nothing happens . Only sadness and tears for too much time now . I don't know what should i do , I even feel the guilt and pressure to inhibit my inner feelings , as i think i hurt the transexual comunity itself . The transition effort and the 'would i pass?' problems seem so easy to deal with right now , the big problem is that i hate myself ..
I am sorry that i couldn't help you and i hope i didn't make it worse , but i felt the need to share my struggle and pain .

[Jessica Merriman]

I said that about how so many people just tell the OP to get over it, stop whining etc which seems to be the knee jerk response here because apparently nobody believes that emotional regulation problems and anxieties are real and can be crippling.

What forum have you been on. No one here would say these things and you know it. We spend a lot of time trying to understand and provide the best insight we can. I have seen our family members exercise quite a bit of tolerance, patience and understanding in trying to help others. I for one do not appreciate the above comments at all and it just seems to me you are trying to stir the pot with this type of inflammatory rhetoric.  I will not condone statements like those above from anyone here from new members to well established members without objecting and making my feelings known.

My apologies to LTL for getting off topic.

[ana]

Claudia wrote:
For me it is even harder , as 'the science' force me to think that i am not a transexual girl but a transgender or transgenderist . As a transexual i would have many things to fight against but as a transgender it is even harder : considering yourself a girl , wanting and enjoying to be one , and then having the science telling you that you are a man . I felt really ok when i thought i was a transexual , really no guilt at all, only some sadness about my looks and the effort of transition . Now , i really feel ashamed , guilty and all that stuff . I would love to die but i am too weak to kill myself , my life is a miserable place where pain dominates everything and i honestly can't see a happy future . Being a 'male brain' who wants to be/feel like  a girl it is so much worse for me than being a trans girl . Every day i look for some validation , i even dream so often about my digit ratio changing in a feminine one , but nothing happens . Only sadness and tears for too much time now . I don't know what should i do , I even feel the guilt and pressure to inhibit my inner feelings , as i think i hurt the transexual comunity itself . The transition effort and the 'would i pass?' problems seem so easy to deal with right now , the big problem is that i hate myself ..
I am sorry that i couldn't help you and i hope i didn't make it worse , but i felt the need to share my struggle and pain .

oh hun, there is so much sadness and pain in your post, and not to take away from LTL, but I am not sure I understand. What do the arbitrary labels transgender or transsexual have to do with  who you are ? There is so much room for interpretation in gender science that it really depends on what your heart is truly telling you. The fact that you feel miserable as a male and knowing in your heart you are female is all that matters. As for the digit ratio, please understand  that a great number of women have digit ratios in the male quadrant and men in the women. Digit ratio is not a proven science, just as height is not an indication of gender.

How do you feel you hurt the transsexual community? By being yourself dear Claudia you can only enrich our community.

many hugs of support
 

[Jess42]

Getting over self hatred and inner transphobia? Just get over it by accepting yourself. Yeah we all have inner guilt. First time a guy up and kissed me while drinking, I was appalled, felt guilty because I wasn't gay in the least little bit even though I wanted so much to be female. Then I realized that I enjoyed it, still felt guilty about it but enjoyed it nonetheless and besides girls kissed guys all the time. Hated myself for it? Kind of sort of but not really. I realized it didn't really matter and since I wanted to be female anyway so what. I didn't hurt anyone so there was nothing to feel guilty about or hate myself for.

As for passing dear, I see plenty of ciswomen that can't pass as female that actually look more masculine than transwomen. And yes, we would all love to be passable 100% of the time but we as a species scrutinize one another especially on the basis of looks and like I said, I've seen ciswomen that have a hard time passing for female and know for a fact they're indeed female. So don't hate yourself for that. As for inner transphobia, you are who you are. Just go with it and start accepting yourself and focus your mind more on woman instead of trans.

[JordanBlue]

What forum have you been on. No one here would say these things and you know it. We spend a lot of time trying to understand and provide the best insight we can. I have seen our family members exercise quite a bit of tolerance, patience and understanding in trying to help others. I for one do not appreciate the above comments at all and it just seems to me you are trying to stir the pot with this type of inflammatory rhetoric.  I will not condone statements like those above from anyone here from new members to well established members without objecting and making my feelings known.

My apologies to LTL for getting off topic.

Jessica:
I agree - TRANSGENDER is serious business, but the OP has almost 3 thousand posts.  I was the poster child for hating myself because I'm trans.  I raged against it for a very LONG time. I wanted to die. I was the most negative person around. 
Self acceptance isn't easy, it's a long HARD road.  But, when you're faced with either accepting yourself or hating yourself, there's only one option that makes sense.   We're our own worst critics.  The biggest problem is not trans hate in our society, it's lack of education.  I have every reason to believe I'll never make a passable female.  But I now choose to make the best of my situation, stay positive, and become the best person I can become.  IMHO, that's what the OP needs to do.

[ClaudiaLove]

oh hun, there is so much sadness and pain in your post, and not to take away from LTL, but I am not sure I understand. What do the arbitrary labels transgender or transsexual have to do with  who you are ? There is so much room for interpretation in gender science that it really depends on what your heart is truly telling you. The fact that you feel miserable as a male and knowing in your heart you are female is all that matters. As for the digit ratio, please understand  that a great number of women have digit ratios in the male quadrant and men in the women. Digit ratio is not a proven science, just as height is not an indication of gender.

How do you feel you hurt the transsexual community? By being yourself dear Claudia you can only enrich our community.

many hugs of support

Thanks a lot for your support , i really need it and i really appreciate it

My mind is a painful and miserable place , and i hope i am wrong in how i think , but lately i got this idea that i am not worhty of being called a (trans)girl , because apparently i have a masculinized brain . I tend to feel like an intruder , i feel like i hurt the image of the transexual comunity by being a fake-girl , and i feel really guilty and sad about all this stuff , sometimes i feel i should either end my life or try and inhibit what i feel and live as a 'boy' .
Another sister kindly reassured me too that the digit ratio isn't that accurate , but anyway , for me , it would've been better to have the female ratio .. 

Anyway , thanks again for support and i am sorry that i often tend to share here my depressive  thoughts . 

[mandonlym]

Apologies in advance if I don't know many of you well since I'm new here, but I want to give you all big hugs.

I honestly love being trans. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't trade my experience for anyone else's. I love being able to perceive from both sides of the gender divide. I love knowing I have the courage to be true to myself in the face of opposition. I love knowing that my experiences are unique, and that my perspective of the world is one that few people have. Of course it hurts when people judge me for who I am, but it also means that the feeling of being seen and loved for everything I am is all the more wonderful.

I've been fortunate to have that kind of love from family, friends, and lovers. And I know it's related to passing, and that sucks, but I also know that the people I've affected because of my transition have become strong trans allies through knowing me, and that's a good feeling. And the more of us who come out, especially the ones who people perceive as "normal," the more trans can become a non-issue in a similar way that the gay and lesbian movement has progressed. I'm extremely ambivalent about "passable" transsexuals becoming spokespeople for the whole trans movement, but unfortunately that's the way our media-driven world works.

If you read gay novels like E.M. Forster's Maurice or James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room, you'll find the same sense of self-hatred that people here have been expressing. But it's because of nothing else than that the rest of society sees us as awful for being who we are, in the same way that gay people before the 1970's were. And it's up to us to change the way society perceives us, and I'm sorry to say that it's hard to do that while being stealth.

I've gone through periods of being extremely out and periods of being relatively private about being trans. Being out entails a lot of self-sacrifice, and was hard for both me and people close to me. But by being private, I also know that I'm making it more difficult for other people. So I try to be out as much as I can.

This is not to say I'm free of self- or trans-hatred. I still have a hard time interacting with other transwomen. I have a tendency to be insensitive and competitive because I know that my self-esteem as a transwoman is at least partly based on perceiving myself as attractive. I'm working on that, and I'm looking forward to being here more because I hope that we can all support each other and that I can be of help to other people here.

Edit: P.S. My digit ratio is typically male just like Michelle Obama. And no one has ever mentioned it or cared!

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  I know there will be a point where I will just have to grin and bare it.  It's come very soon, so that's why I'm freaking out.  At this point, I feel like it's so obvious that I'm trans, even in boy mode, that I just get uncomfortable in social situations. Today I asked my sister what she thought and she said there is no way she would take me as a regular guy and doubts anyone else does.  She said it's very obvious that I'm transitioning.  I guess this explains the giggling I often hear in public and the very big smiles.  Maybe I will put up pics to get opinions.  I feel like I don't really pass as a guy anymore, but don't know if I'm far enough to go full time.  I would like to wait until Juneish so I can first tackle my job dilemma and feel stable economically speaking.  But yes gettng out there and living is important.  For what it's worth my therapist and I are talking about exposure therapy to help build up my confidence.

Yeah man up OP. Mental illness is not a real thing. /sarcasm

Please see a therapist about your self esteem. Not a gender therapist, one who specializes in fears and anxiety and stuff. If you find the right one for you it could really help. It takes real world interaction with a patient, empathetic person to start overturning these deep beliefs. Hugs to you and I hope you will find the strength to get help.

Today my therapist and I discussed my low self esteem and horrible thought patterns. She wants me to start doing self esteem work sheets.  Apparently, I do think the worst case scenario at all times which may explain why people often get frustrated with me or think I'm too paranoid.  I'm just so used to seeing the worst in everything because I have no faith in myself.   And it's true that these issues are deeply rooted into my belief system, so it would make sense to tackle them.

I don't know if I need a second therapist, though I wouldn't be opposed to the idea and my mom wants me to see one.  Maybe I'll look into it.

For me it is even harder , as 'the science' force me to think that i am not a transexual girl but a transgender or transgenderist . As a transexual i would have many things to fight against but as a transgender it is even harder : considering yourself a girl , wanting and enjoying to be one , and then having the science telling you that you are a man . I felt really ok when i thought i was a transexual , really no guilt at all, only some sadness about my looks and the effort of transition . Now , i really feel ashamed , guilty and all that stuff . I would love to die but i am too weak to kill myself , my life is a miserable place where pain dominates everything and i honestly can't see a happy future . Being a 'male brain' who wants to be/feel like  a girl it is so much worse for me than being a trans girl . Every day i look for some validation , i even dream so often about my digit ratio changing in a feminine one , but nothing happens . Only sadness and tears for too much time now . I don't know what should i do , I even feel the guilt and pressure to inhibit my inner feelings , as i think i hurt the transexual comunity itself . The transition effort and the 'would i pass?' problems seem so easy to deal with right now , the big problem is that i hate myself ..
I am sorry that i couldn't help you and i hope i didn't make it worse , but i felt the need to share my struggle and pain .

You shouldn't feel ashamed for being who you are.  I know it's rich coming from me, but it's something we both need to overcome.  It's okay to be us.  Have you talked to someone about this?  It may help. 

[April Lee]

I am not sure "self hatred" is exactly the right phrase for me. "Repression" and "denial" come closer to my own experience. On some level, I have admired transsexuals for decades, but I never wanted to admit to myself that I was one. Looking back on it, I saw that admission as sort of a defeat. In my youth, I was very much into the pop psychology / self improvement thing. I believed that I could completely control the outcome of my life, if I thought the right thoughts and did just the right things. I had these grand career ambitions. I saw any gender issues I might have as utterly incompatible with that, so I tried really hard to will them out of existence. I ran as fast and as far I could to get away from that, but I could never run away from what was inside me.     

[JoanneB]

I spent a good 50 years living with the shame and guilt about being trans. A lot of history to unlearn that I am still working on. But it is amazing how quickly it crumbles once you start really working at chipping away at it. The remnants of guilt and shame live on mainly due to what I feel are legitimate feelings of guilt over the affect this is having on my wife. Non of this really fits well into the life plans we still look forward to fulfilling.

I think a very large part of getting rid of your own transphobia starts with self acceptance. Acceptance of yourself first as a person, irregardless of gender, followed my self acceptance of transgender state. Oddly, taking ownership of being transgender helped with self acceptance in that I sort of had a scape goat. A concrete reason for why things got screwed up in my life. Acknowledging that and knowing I did not have the right tools yet or learned the right lessons encouraged me on to take the steps I needed to take... WHEN I needed to and the time was right to. About the only schedule I had and forced myself to live up to was to find some sort of support ASAP. Three months and a 90 mile drive later I found the greatest self acceptance technique for me, a fairly unique TG support group.

Before self acceptance comes just feeling comfortable. Just as it is difficult and scary at first to do things or think differently rather than beating yourself up, it is also difficult and scary to venture out into the world presenting as female. Especially right out of the gate! Face it, cis-girls spent their entire life figuring out what works for them, that they feel comfortable with. It takes us a long time too. If you wait for the day that you feel you are 100% passable before leaving the safety of the nest, you are probably going to crash and burn. Seeing some arbitrary date circled on the calendar as your deadline to flip that switch from male to female is only going to increase your angst.

My little tough love bit next.... You are NEVER EVER going to be 100% passable. Especially by your own arbitrary, possibly idealized, standard. Cis women every day get clocked as being trans. Waiting on the checkout line at the grocery store you can like find "something about" every woman there with you. What hope do stand to have. Aesthetic surgeons make a good living based on women feeling they don't live up to some ideal. Plus you have a history. Unless you go off the grid and move across the country, your history will always be there.  As others have pointed out 99.999% of the people around you don't give a rat's ass. At nearly 6ft tall w/o heels, slim, almost always in a skirt or dress I get the ocassional look as I go about my day in rural WV. Still I feel totally alive and am not being shot at. Life is great.

Unfortunately there are few ways to get over that fear. The easy way is to simply revel in the feelings of finally being out in the real world being the real and complete you. That comes with practice, not by a date on a calendar. If your goal is to be fulltime in May, You'd best be almost full-time by now. If your goal is to be as passable as possible, you'd best be approaching or past male fail by now. If you have a driving need to be full-time, you wouldn't much else stop you besides you.

[stephaniec]

I spent a good 50 years living with the shame and guilt about being trans. A lot of history to unlearn that I am still working on. But it is amazing how quickly it crumbles once you start really working at chipping away at it. The remnants of guilt and shame live on mainly due to what I feel are legitimate feelings of guilt over the affect this is having on my wife. Non of this really fits well into the life plans we still look forward to fulfilling.

I think a very large part of getting rid of your own transphobia starts with self acceptance. Acceptance of yourself first as a person, irregardless of gender, followed my self acceptance of transgender state. Oddly, taking ownership of being transgender helped with self acceptance in that I sort of had a scape goat. A concrete reason for why things got screwed up in my life. Acknowledging that and knowing I did not have the right tools yet or learned the right lessons encouraged me on to take the steps I needed to take... WHEN I needed to and the time was right to. About the only schedule I had and forced myself to live up to was to find some sort of support ASAP. Three months and a 90 mile drive later I found the greatest self acceptance technique for me, a fairly unique TG support group.

Before self acceptance comes just feeling comfortable. Just as it is difficult and scary at first to do things or think differently rather than beating yourself up, it is also difficult and scary to venture out into the world presenting as female. Especially right out of the gate! Face it, cis-girls spent their entire life figuring out what works for them, that they feel comfortable with. It takes us a long time too. If you wait for the day that you feel you are 100% passable before leaving the safety of the nest, you are probably going to crash and burn. Seeing some arbitrary date circled on the calendar as your deadline to flip that switch from male to female is only going to increase your angst.

My little tough love bit next.... You are NEVER EVER going to be 100% passable. Especially by your own arbitrary, possibly idealized, standard. Cis women every day get clocked as being trans. Waiting on the checkout line at the grocery store you can like find "something about" every woman there with you. What hope do stand to have. Aesthetic surgeons make a good living based on women feeling they don't live up to some ideal. Plus you have a history. Unless you go off the grid and move across the country, your history will always be there.  As others have pointed out 99.999% of the people around you don't give a rat's ass. At nearly 6ft tall w/o heels, slim, almost always in a skirt or dress I get the ocassional look as I go about my day in rural WV. Still I feel totally alive and am not being shot at. Life is great.

Unfortunately there are few ways to get over that fear. The easy way is to simply revel in the feelings of finally being out in the real world being the real and complete you. That comes with practice, not by a date on a calendar. If your goal is to be fulltime in May, You'd best be almost full-time by now. If your goal is to be as passable as possible, you'd best be approaching or past male fail by now. If you have a driving need to be full-time, you wouldn't much else stop you besides you.

I'd say a very knowledgeable reply

[Natalia]

I had a considerable degree of transphobia and it's been hard for me to change this...it is so controverse, but someway I feel better knowing that I am not the only one.

I apologize for what I am going to write. I want to be clear that this is not me anymore...but nontheless I think this is the way most people see us.

During all my life I learned to hide from my real self and, with no perspectives of changing my life, I ended hating the desires and feelings I had. I hated who I was and I hated lying to myself. I though I was a freak for crossdressing, and a liar for playing as a female on virtual worlds like Second Life. I felt I was mentally ill for desiring to be a woman and for envying them. I felt I was a pervert because I was sexual attracted to men and I wanted to be the woman on a relationship. I knew I wasn't a gay man and the idea of being some kind of gay man was unthinkable for me.

Everytime I saw a transvetite, I looked with a degree of admiration and hate. Once almost all the transvetites I could see were hardly passable, I grew disgusted of them. I thought of them as perverted and ridiculous men trying to be women. Their masculine voices were repulsive to me, as their male faces.

But the truth is that I was afraid that one day I would become one of them. Someone that could be seem as a freak and a pervert working as a prostitute. The idea of being a man on womens clothes was one of the main reasons that made me run away from all my feelings for years. I couldn't bare that. Or I pass as a woman or I'll better stay this way...or I'll kill myself (that idea was attractive to me sometimes).

Only when I realized that being transexual, or transvetite, or crossdresser or whatever...is not a choice, but a need, only then I started accepting myself.

After lot of research on the internet and after watching movies about the theme I could see that transexuals and transvetites are much more than the few transvetites I could see working as prostitutes. Most trans people are living normal lives. I didn't know that...and then I realized how terribly wrong I was. I started considering the idea of transitioning, but I was still so uncertain...I only wanted to transition if I had the possibility of passing as a female. I still don't know what I am going to do if I cannot pass....but now I know that this doesn't matter at all.

But then HRT changed my life again. It cleared my mind and helped me to see that even if I cannot pass, even if society sees me as a freak...what really matters is the way you feel with yourself. If I cannot pass, then I'd rather live hiding in my home as a woman than walking on the streets as a man.

Today I see us as beautiful beings...besides all our difficulties, we have the unique experience of being both man and woman. We are unique and special. If I could travel back to the past I would like to tell me that (and slap me on the face!!!)...and tell me to start transitioning and being truthfull to myself. This is what is moving me forward now. I am not disgusted of being a transexual, nor I am disgusted of transexuals or transvetites that can't pass...I only fear that one day I might share their problem. I want to think that I am a better person now, that I have a better understanding of life. I don't want ever again to be how I was...and I feel pity for the ones that are today as I was before.

[Ltl89]

I spent a good 50 years living with the shame and guilt about being trans. A lot of history to unlearn that I am still working on. But it is amazing how quickly it crumbles once you start really working at chipping away at it. The remnants of guilt and shame live on mainly due to what I feel are legitimate feelings of guilt over the affect this is having on my wife. Non of this really fits well into the life plans we still look forward to fulfilling.

I think a very large part of getting rid of your own transphobia starts with self acceptance. Acceptance of yourself first as a person, irregardless of gender, followed my self acceptance of transgender state. Oddly, taking ownership of being transgender helped with self acceptance in that I sort of had a scape goat. A concrete reason for why things got screwed up in my life. Acknowledging that and knowing I did not have the right tools yet or learned the right lessons encouraged me on to take the steps I needed to take... WHEN I needed to and the time was right to. About the only schedule I had and forced myself to live up to was to find some sort of support ASAP. Three months and a 90 mile drive later I found the greatest self acceptance technique for me, a fairly unique TG support group.

Before self acceptance comes just feeling comfortable. Just as it is difficult and scary at first to do things or think differently rather than beating yourself up, it is also difficult and scary to venture out into the world presenting as female. Especially right out of the gate! Face it, cis-girls spent their entire life figuring out what works for them, that they feel comfortable with. It takes us a long time too. If you wait for the day that you feel you are 100% passable before leaving the safety of the nest, you are probably going to crash and burn. Seeing some arbitrary date circled on the calendar as your deadline to flip that switch from male to female is only going to increase your angst.

My little tough love bit next.... You are NEVER EVER going to be 100% passable. Especially by your own arbitrary, possibly idealized, standard. Cis women every day get clocked as being trans. Waiting on the checkout line at the grocery store you can like find "something about" every woman there with you. What hope do stand to have. Aesthetic surgeons make a good living based on women feeling they don't live up to some ideal. Plus you have a history. Unless you go off the grid and move across the country, your history will always be there.  As others have pointed out 99.999% of the people around you don't give a rat's ass. At nearly 6ft tall w/o heels, slim, almost always in a skirt or dress I get the ocassional look as I go about my day in rural WV. Still I feel totally alive and am not being shot at. Life is great.

Unfortunately there are few ways to get over that fear. The easy way is to simply revel in the feelings of finally being out in the real world being the real and complete you. That comes with practice, not by a date on a calendar. If your goal is to be fulltime in May, You'd best be almost full-time by now. If your goal is to be as passable as possible, you'd best be approaching or past male fail by now. If you have a driving need to be full-time, you wouldn't much else stop you besides you.

Sure, I realize there will never be 100 percent passing.  It's a false ideal.  However, my goal is to get as close to that as possible. I will say hormones have made a very big difference for me (and it's taken a while for me to find the right dose for me), as well as laser, hair growth and weight loss.  It's not a matter of everything falling to place all at once, more like finding a period where I will be in the best shape to start.  I'm sure the beginning part will be clunky, but I doubt it will be as clunky as it would hav been a few months ago. I don't really believe in part time to full time nor does my therapist feel that I need to go that route. Sure it works for some people, but honestly, if I got my hair styled the way I plan on doing for passing purposes (I feel bangs will do me a world of good), I think it would be really realy hard for me to keep up boy mode and it's already hard in it's way now.  Unfortunately, I need to keep that up until I have a job again.  That's key and my male name and work history force me into presenting that way.  Secondly, without money, building a whole new wardrobe is a bit difficult (I have female clothes but a lot of them don't fit like they used too after hormones and weight loss).  Thirdly, I need to work on my general self esteem because I'll never believe in myself if I don't find a way to improve that.  As frustrating as it may seem, I don't mind dragging out my transition if it will get me where I want to be for the rest of my life.  I have, hopefully, a long life a head of me. Accomplishing this at 25 will be a feat in itself and I don't mind that I'm making sure that it will go as right for me as it can. It's annoying to wait for me too but what's 3 or 4 months in the grand scheme of life.   Also, I should note my appearance is much more andro than it may sound (other than clothing), so it may not be what it appears.

[JordanBlue]

learningtolive:
You're 25?   I had no idea. I would have thought you'd been dealing with self hate for many many years by reading your posts.  What about those of us who dealt with inner turmoil for 50+ years and have now come to self acceptance?  You're the only one who can make the choice to get past this and get on with life.  Society is not against you.