Marriage falling apart - what to do

[ford]

I've been thinking about how to write this for some time...so please bear with me as I attempt to get it all out there.

My husband is leaving me. Or am I leaving him? The story:

He has been my main source of emotional support. My best friend. When I came out, he stood with me. He encouraged me to start hormones when I was worried that doing so would make him want to leave. He said that would never happen. He even posted here occasionally!

About six months into my transition, things were amazing. To me at least, our marriage felt stronger than ever before. I was finally feeling comfortable, and I was able to focus more on doing things for our relationship. We were getting out of the house more, trying new things, setting exciting future plans. Where I had been depressed and emtionally empty, I now felt energized, adventerous, and even occasionally sexy (a first!).

Then one day, out of the blue (to me at least) when I was giving him a kiss, he pushed me away and said, "sorry, I can't do this anymore."

"This," it turns out, is feel any kind of attraction to me. And to be clear, I can't fault him for that. The guy isn't into other guys. He gave it a good try. So good, in fact, that when I look back at the months leading up to that moment, I can't help but feel like he was leading me on a little. I felt crushed. I almost wish he had just up and left me right then and there. But instead it got more confusing.

His first thought about this situation is that it didn't seem like a big deal. He told me he thinks he could see himself being married to me for the rest of his life, and that we could be like 'brothers' or room mates. We are good friends, that will never change. A year or two ago, before transition, I would probably have been ok with that arrangement, since I loathed my body and would never have wanted anyone touching it anyways. But now...now when I was finally starting to feel like a complete person with an existant sexuality. If I was older maybe, and had been married for a long time, this might not have fazed me as much. Don't most marriages end up losing the romance eventually? But I'm still in my 20s. I've been married less than 8 years. I feel that such an arrangement would rob me of a chance for a relationship where the love isn't purely platonic.

It has been a few months since that revelation. We've talked about it a lot. Divorce came up of course, and he pretty much said, 'if that's what you want.' He wants me to initiate the process in court; he doesn't want to be the one doing the leaving. I feel safe with him. I'm having trouble picturing my life without him. However it is emotionally exhausting to be completely in love with someone while they purposely keep you at arm's length. Can I don that for the rest of my life?

So I'm incredibly confused. Am I wrong in wanting a romantic relationship? Is that worth throwing out an otherwise "perfect" marriage? I married young. I've never even dated another person. I'm well aware that as a trans person my prospects at finding any relationship, let along one as 'stable' and comfortable as my current one are slim. If I leave, will I regret this forever? If I don't leave, will the resentment at not being completely loved do me in eventually? Is the romantic aspect of a marriage really that important? (well clearly it is to me, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this I guess)

One last thing: my husband has made remarks about 'if he starts dating again' etc, so I suspect he wants (and definitely deserves imo) a woman who can make him happy. I wonder if it comes down to guilt for him - he wants a life too, but doesn't want to leave me to fend for myself, since he promised not to at the beginning of all this. He is also fairly religious, and has strong notions that marriages are a spiritual contract that should be preserved even if it means great self-sacrifice.

Anyways, this situation has sent me to a really really dark place for the last few months. It's getting worse, and I have no friends, no family to discuss this with. I'm chasing my tail in the dark. If anyone could  shine a light in, give their thoughts or advice, I'd really appreciate it. Am I just being selfish? Is love overrated? Or should I get out and try to build another life while I still have time (and allow him to do the same?).

Thanks for reading,
Ford

[Jamie D]

No, love is not "overrated."  We are social animals.  I think we all need companionship.

A loveless marriage is not a good situation.  It is not really a marriage.  I understand your depression.

Even though you still love him, and you are still, inside, the person he married, the relationship dynamic has changed.  I think you need to have some serious discussions about where you want to be as a couple.  It may be he wants or needs female companionship.  And you are not female.

Could you foresee an open relationship?  Or one that is polyamorous?  Could he?

Perhaps couples counseling would help you both.  Good luck.

Jamie

[mrs izzy]

We never seem to be the ones who fall out of love. I know and understand it all now. My X said she could not live her life as married to another female. She did give it a little time but she could not bring herself to love me as a girl.

Same with your husband i think he is not the bad person. I truly feel he gave it sometime and was thinking that he could live with a man. Just as you have changed over this time he has not.

Do not short change yourself into thinking that no one will want you in there life if you move on. It is up to you to make your life happy. I for one wanted to move on and be with someone. I found my Husband with in the community. (ftm) Funny thing is he is way more caring then my x ever was. I went after love and found it, i feel you also have the same chance if you need to move forward.

I know it hurts, I know it is tearing you apart. Take everything one day at a time.

Hugs
Isabell

[Rachel]

Ford,  hugs

I read your post and can relate to much of what you wrote. My new therapist mentioned what Jamie stated

Could you foresee an open relationship?  Or one that is polyamorous?  Could he?

She also gave me two LGBT non presenting marriage counselors names and numbers close to where my wife works.

[Hikari]

Here is my take on the situation:

Your husband, is a really great guy, but he isn't really an amazing communicator because he doesn't want to do anything that could hurt you.

What I mean by that is, I am reasonably sure that he does want and deserve an active romantic relationship with a woman. He gave a bona fide effort, which I (and from what I gather from your post you as well) respect greatly, and while his physical attraction has dissipated it is clear he very much still cares about you. He might even still have romantic but nonsexual feelings left, which can further confuse the situation, and make him willing to stay in a situation that won't really make him happy.

You both deserve romantic love. This marriage seems to have ran it's course in a romantic way. I wouldn't be so focused on divorce per se, but I would be focused if I were you on trying to find a way to move forward together outside of the context of romance.  I think you two should stay friends and support each other, unless that is your love (after all you said he was the one that became unattracted not you) for him would complicate that sort of platonic relationship too much for you to move forward romantically with a partner who is indeed has mutual attraction which you very much deserve.

Best of luck to both of you, I know this can be a rocky journey but you both deserve to be happy, and to be loved.

[JoanneB]

My wife and I have had similar talks. She see's a future where I fully transition and a high likelyhood that my desires will turn towards men. She has often remarked "I did not marry a woman". We both love eachother very much, support eachother, and place the other's happiness above our own. She has also said she cannot imagine herself spend her life with anyone else.

The resolution... The distinct possibility of an open marriage. Which given her cat like personality was always on the table, yet never exercised. That along with the promise of if the marriage needed to end, it does with no bad feelings or recriminations.