Quote from: meow8 on February 20, 2014, 02:57:25 PM
Hi everyone,
For a long time (since early teens) now I've been confused about myself, my identity and how I felt about myself. i'm now in my mid 20's. I've been very unhappy with myself since then.
Let me start from the beginning, i'm sorry if this post is incoherent, but i'm trying to write down how I feel and english isn't my first language.
As far as I can remember, i've had a fairly normal childhood. Around the age of 10 (or maybe earlier) I started getting regular dreams where I was a girl. I didn't think anything of it at first. Thinking back those dreams could be about anything, about daily stuff or about weird adventures. It didnt matter, In those dreams I was me, only I was a girl. I remember waking up happy after that.
During elementary school I had about 3 male and 4 female friends which i played with often. I can't remember doing really girly things. I just played a lot.
Some years went by as puberty started. The dreams I had started to return but I dismissed them as just them being dreams, not meaning anything. At the same time, I starting to hate the way I looked when I looked into the mirror. i hated my face and my body and when my mother asked why, i couldn't give her a straight answer, only that I was not happy with myself. This feeling went on to the point of thinking about committing suicide (i was around 15 then). The dreams I had back then turned into daydreams. I felt I should've been a girl. I repressed those feelings and dreams, thinking of them as a fantasy.
Looking back I hated my puberty, i hated growing bodyhair and getting more muscular. I grew yealous of girls, the way their bodies developed and the way they looked. Still, i still wasn't sure if im transgender or if it was a fantasy.
I kept growing my nails long until my mom kept nagging for me to clip them. During the later part of my puberty and begin 20's i repressed those confusing feelings totally out of shame and fear and also because I thought that is was too late. That i would never pass as a woman, which made me more despressed because of it.
While the feelings of despression and jealousy of cis women seems to be transgender feelings, i was still fearful that it would be a fantasy. Mainly because While I identified myself as a girl instead of boy, i was never really interested in girl clothes. It would feel that it would look like a boy in drag, a joke. And i still wasnt sure if it was real or a fantasy.
This brings me to this point. This is why I decided to make an account and express how I feel here.
As I've felt very unhappy with myself. While i dismissed everything and had given up hope, the feelings returned.
Last year, I've been to a docter quite a lot with physical problems like pain in my chest and hyperventilation. The doctor thought it was caused by stress and sent me to a therapist. During the first session she asked if i was happy being male and I lied to her. Back home I intended to find out if it was a fantasy or something more. i decided to buy a womens fur vest, expecting it to be a fetish. When i got it i liked it and wore it all day but sexually it did absolutely nothing.
During the second session I told her everthing what I wrote here and she said because of the hatred i have of my own body and the fact I have a feminine personality and interests, i might have gender issues.
Sorry about my rant, just needed to vent here.
Meow - let me just add one observation from my own life experience. People who
do not have gender dysphoria generally don't have these sorts of self-identity questions pop up over and over again.
I can tell you, that I first felt these sorts of things when I was 11 or 12 years old, and it was confusing. I found ways to cope, but in retrospect, I wish I had been able to tackle them head on when I was young.
I read somewhere that the average age of MtF transition is about 40 years old. So 25 is still young in my book.
