I realize that this post may offend some people here though I hope it does not. I want to state sincerely before I begin that I am incredibly supportive of the transgender community. My misgivings have to do with a specific situation- that of my (former) brother. I want to open up this discussion as a dialogue so I can maybe come to terms with everything better, or see if some of my misgivings are accurate.
I am 32 with a 45 year old biological brother who went from happily married to a divorced, post op female within a year and a half. The divorce was due to his (I will switch around pronouns a bit to tell the story as it unfolds) wife reconnecting with her high school sweetheart on Facebook- and being caught when my brother was setting up her new phone for her birthday. My brother had an excellent job which had him traveling around the world very often so I guess all of this occurred (the affair) while he was away. When he revealed that he knew she was cheating, the divorce happened fast. She was a stay at home mom to their two children for 14 years, and the state's laws have a 'no fault' rule so she was entitled to half of everything-including his 401k...so it got cashed out. My brother ....for lack of a better word, went insane. He was deeply depressed. My family had not experienced much divorce so it was new territory. His only other 'mental health' history was severe panic attacks when our father passed away (he was in his 20s but the oldest child of the family- my dad died young and suddenly). I should also say that the transgender thing was a surprise to the ex wife too.
Anyway- out of the blue, 6 months after this happened, my brother came 'home' to my mother and I with what he called 'exciting news'. He drove the 5 1/2 hours distance and brought in a bottle of wine and told us...while prefacing that he was 'not gay'...that he in his heart felt that he is actually a female and ready to transition to a female body. My mom, being very direct, asked him why he had married and had children. He didn't answer that directly, but said if he had stayed married he would have never done this (there was no hope of reconciliation- she married the other guy right after they divorced). To me that was a red flag.
Anyway from that point forward, everything moved very fast. He blew through his half of the 401k that had to be cashed to settle the divorce. He had the 'top' surgery within 6 months, with the 'bottom' surgery to be done a year after. Shortly after that date, he found out there was an opening for the famous surgeon (she has a show that airs on tv from time to time on rerun), a few months earlier so it got moved up. I know he had letters written, etc- but this was seriously a whirlwind. The whole time, when he'd speak on the phone to my mom he'd brag about how he'd be so much more beautiful than his ex wife, etc etc. It just didn't feel authentic. I could see if he always seemed feminine, or if this came from someone who didn't have the family, have the lifestyle he did...but in this specific situation it felt like someone who had went insane.
At the beginning my brother assured my mom that this would not affect his work- that they would understand, etc. Of course they did not, and while they did not fire him for being transgendered, they found another way to lay him off shortly after he came out at work. He began taking large sums of money from our mother after his final surgery, after his half of the 401k ran out and he could not find any other work.
My brother's female self is awful. She is bitchy, overtly 'female' stereotype, mean, and unable to support her lavish lifestyle. She has told me ways I could be more female (I am a rather girlie female already) (for example she began to critique the way I set things on the conveyer belt at walmart while we were on a trip with our mom saying a woman knew to group certain things together). She takes and takes and takes from our mother with no shame. She screams at Mom when she messes up a pronoun, and before she lost the home she once owned before the divorce to foreclosure, kicked Mom out twice at holidays after arguments- mostly fueled by her drinking
That is the worst of the situation. It has been a year since the last huge fight- about 2 and a half years since the beginning of all of this. My former brother still is the worst stereotype of a female you could imagine. She took so much money from my mom that she finally had to start saying no- which was really difficult for Mom. She (my former brother) has a job finally- but over this time span lost her home and is renting a bedroom in a large house, hardly able to see her daughters. That part is upsetting to me too, she is so focused on being called 'mom'. This may upset me because I know what it is like to lose a father- ours died when I was 16. To think of a father leaving daughters willingly.. I just feel like they need a dad.
It's just so very sad. I want to be accepting, and somehow see all the signs I missed growing up- or to understand this as a sister to a birth brother who always knew he was born in the wrong gender. To me though, it feels like I am the sister to an insane person. I don't want to be that person that judges, who doesn't accept...but my story speaks for itself. I'd love to hear some gentle feedback. How do I handle this? I want to get to a place of acceptance, and I keep researching ->-bleeped-<-, but I don't relate to any of the stories I read. I thought it would get easier with time but it doesn't. I really don't mean to offend anyone, so I'm sorry if I do. Thanks for reading.
